How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (7 page)

that only people can generate in peoplethe thrill of making new connections. There is
absolutely nothing in this world as exciting and rewarding as connecting and developing a
rapport that can lead to a new friendship or relationship.

What about difficult people? I am often asked what you're supposed to do when you meet somebody who is all bundled up with defensiveness:
tight jaw, arms crossed defensively or hands jammed into pockets. Or

Ever since Mr. Szabo had begun his rant, Paul had been skillfully synchronizing Szabo's
mood and general mannerisms. When it came time for him to respond to the irate owner, he
almost became Mr. Szabobut in a completely nonthreatening way. He used similar arm gestures,
tonality, pauses and attitude, and he even jabbed Mr. Szabo on the shoulder as he said,
“You're absolutely right.”

As they talked back and forth for a minute or so, Paul calmed down his own gestures,
and Mr. Szabo followed. When they finished talking, Mr. Szabo put his arm around Paul's
shoulder and led him to the end of the aisle. There he collared one of the store staff and
said to him, “Give this man any help he needs.”

Paul had successfully joined Mr. Szabo in his world and led him quickly, skillfully and
respectfully to his own desired outcome.

the best way to handle a bully, a shy person, a cornplainer or someone who is arrogant
or overly aggressive. It is not the purpose of this book to give detailed instructions
on dealing with difficult people, but here are some guidelines.

Rule number one when encountering a difficult person is to ask yourself this question:
“Do I really need to deal with this person?” If the answer is no, then leave him or her
alone. If the answer is yes, ask yourself what it is that you want. What is your desired outcome? Not what is it that you don't want. (Remember KFC?)

When synchronizing “difficult people,” it's vital that you do it in a nonthreatening way.
Once you have matched your body and tone with theirs, you can begin to “lead” them out of
it. Unfold your arms, relax your shoulders and check to see if they follow your lead; if
they don't, get back into your original position for a minute or so and try again.

A word about shy people: try to find out what they're interested in. Synchronize their body movements and voice
tone, and unhurriedly ask them lots of open-ended questions (see the next chapter) until
you get a glimmer of enthusiasm. Take on their attitude, and then little by little lead
them out of it. Lean or sit forward and see if they follow; if not, go back to where you
were and synchronize any little thing you can. You'll be surprised at how well this
works.

When do I start synchronizing? Try not to let more than two or three seconds go by before you start. Rememher the sequence in Chapter 2: Open
(Really Useful Attitude and open body language)Heart (pointed at the person)Eye (first
with the eye contact)Beam (first with the smile)“Hi!” (introduce yourself)Lean (indicate
interest as you start synchronizing).

Anything that increases the common ground and reduces the distance between you and the
other person is a good thing. And the quickest way to accomplish this is to synchronize as many of the
other person's aspects as you canadopt the same attitude, make the same motions and speak
the same way.

Synchronizing attitudeor multiple congruity, to give it its scientific nametakes into
account location and mood. It is also frequently supportive, as when a friend is
challenged and you “take a stand” with him, or a parent deeply relates to a child's
problem with a class assignment, or you share the exhilaration your partner feels over a
promotion. When people “go through things together,” they will often be synchronized right
down to primal sighs of despair or shouts of joy.

Pick up on other people's feelings. Synchronize their movements, breathing pattern and
expression as you “deeply identify” with them. Tune in to the overall mood suggested by
their voice and reflect it back.

synchronizing Body Language

As you already know, body language accounts for 55% of our communication. It is the most
obvious, easiest and most rewarding feature to synchronize on your way to rapport. If you
get nothing else out of this book but the ability to synchronize other people's body
language, you'll be miles ahead of where you were last month.

Dave was out looking for an anniversary present for his wife. He had whittled his
thinking down to two ideas. It was to be either the very latest palmtop computer or a painting to hang in their breakfast room. From where Dave parked his car
at the shopping mall, it was more convenient to visit the computer store first. Fortunately, it was midmorning and the store wasn't too busy. Dave approached the counter, where a salesman in a dark suit was nodding and smiling. So far, so good. As
the salesman started to explain the differences in all the latest models, he lifted his
right leg and plunked it on a low stool that was somewhere next to him. Then he leaned
thoughtfully on his right knee and continued with his explanations. Suddenly Dave
couldn't wait to get out of there. It wasn't that he lacked interest, it was just that the
macho, leg-raised position was completely out of sync with his own posture and it made him feel uncomfortable. -*

Synchronizing body language falls into two loose groupings: matching, which means doing the same thing as the other person (she moves her left hand, you move
your left hand), and mirroring, which means, as it implies, moving as if you were watching the other person in a mirror
(he moves his left hand, you move your right).

It was a completely different story at the art gallery. Dave stopped before a painting
that took his fancy and adopted a contemplative stance: weight on one leg, arms folded but
with one hand on his chin and a finger hooked around his lips. After maybe a minute, he
became aware of somebody standing quietly next to him and heard a soft, supportive voice
say simply, “Nice, isn't it?”

“Yes, it is,” Dave replied in a pensive voice.

“Let me know if I can help you,” said the lady at his side. She withdrew to another part
of the gallery.

Within five minutes, Dave had bought the painting. It seemed the natural thing to do.

Dave felt comfortable just looking at the painting. The woman had slipped in beside
him, taken on the same body language as his and dropped into the same attitude. She made a
seamless connection by exercising perfect, effortless synchrony: 55% body language, 38% voice tone and 7% wordsthe three
“Vs.”

Maybe you're thinking, But won't other people notice that I'm copying their behavior? Actually, they won't, unless the copying is blatant. Remember, your movements must be
subtle and respectful. If someone sticks a finger in his ear and you do the same, then
yes, he'll probably notice that. But when a person is focused on a conversation, he or she will not pick up on subtle synchronizing.

Particular gestures. Hand and arm movements are especially easy and natural to synchronize by matching and
mirroring. Some folks raise their shoulders when they talk; others wave their hands around
as they express themselves. Do whatever they do. If you find it uncomfortable at first,
then go at it a little at a time until with practice you become an expert synchronizer.
Just the fact that you're noticing these different types of gestures is a big step in
the direction of making people like you in 90 seconds or less.

Body posture. Overall posture is known as the attitude of the body. It shows how people present them
selves and is a good indicator of emotional state. That is why we sometimes refer to it as
“adopting a posture.” When you can accurately adopt a person's posture, you can get a fair
idea of how he or she feels.

Overall body movements. Whether it's a job interview or striking up a conversation at the museum fund-raiser,
observe the person's overall body movements, then gently mirror or match them. If he has a
leg crossed, then cross a leg; if he's leaning against the grand piano, do it, too. If
she's sitting sideways on the banquette, sit sideways; if she's standing with her hands
on her hips, do the same. Body movements like leaning, walking and turning are easily
synchronized.

Head tilts and nods. These are the simplest movements to synchronize. Fashion photographers know that most of
the “feel” of a terrific cover shot comes from the “innuendo” created by subtle tilts and
nods of the head. Sure, the face is important, but it's the angles that carry the message.
Pay close attention to them. Most good physicians and therapists find that they
synchronize tilts and nods without giving it a second thought. It says “I hear you, I see
what you're saying and I feel for you.”

Facial expressions. Along with tilts and nods, synchronized facial expressions show agreement and
understanding. They come naturally. When he smiles at you, your natural inclination is to
smile back. When she shows wide-eyed surprise, give it back to her. Look around at the
next luncheon or dinner you attend, and notice how those with the deepest rapport are
doing it all the time. It's an easy and natural, surefire way to make someone like you in
90 seconds or less. You can match the same amount and same style of eye contact. It may be
fleeting, or direct or coy; whatever it is, pick up on it and return it in the same way.

Breathing. Pay attention to breathing. Is it fast or slow? Is it high in the chest, low in the chest
or from the abdomen? You can usually tell how people are breathing by watching their
shoulders or the folds in their clothing. Synchronizing their breathing can be soothing
and comforting to them.

For this exercise, you will need two other people: A and B. A is the first to do the
actions; B synchronizes with A's actions. You start off as the director.

Sitting, standing or walking, A and B converse casually about anything they want. A makes
a point of moving about enough to give B some body movements and gestures to
synchronize. After about a minute, tell them to break synchrony. At this point, B
deliberately mismatches A's movements. After another minute or so, instruct B to get into
sync again. Then, after another minute, get them to break once more. Finally, have them
get back in sync before finishing.

Now switch places with A or B. Keep rotating so that each one of you assumes a different
role in the exercise. Compare notes at the end of each rotation. The comments will most
likely be similar to these: “When I broke synchronization, it was as if a huge wall had
been erected between us” and “When we stopped synchronizing, the level of trust plummeted.”

You can also try this out on your own. Synchronize someone for a couple of minutes, then
deliberately mismatch his or her movements for one minute before getting back -*

into synchrony again. Go in and out at will and notice the difference; it will be
tangible.

Leading When you're sitting and talking with a friend, one of you might cross a leg and
the other might do the same without thinking. This means that one of you is following
the other's lead, which is a sure sign that the two of you are in rapport.

As you quickly become proficient at synchronizing, you can test to find out just how
well your rapport is going. After three or four minutes, regardless of what has gone
before and without the other person being aware of what you're doing, make a subtle move
that's independent of your synchronizinglean back or cross your arms and perhaps tilt
your head. If the other person follows, then you are synchronized and have rapport and the
other person is now subconsciously following your lead. If you tilt your head, she tilts hers. If you cross your legs, he crosses his.
Just change what you're doingmake a movement, alter your vocal toneand observe whether the
other person matches or mirrors you. This way you can check to see if you are in rapport.
If the other person doesn't follow your lead, go back to synchronizing his or her
movements for a few minutes and try again until it works.

I teach volunteers who sit with cancer patients how to have rapport with those in their
care. This is the first thing I stress. Breathe in and out with them. Then, when you
speak, you're doing it on their “out” breath, and this has a very calming effect.

Rhythms. The same rule applies for anything rhythmic. If she taps her foot, tap your pencil; if
he nods his head, pat your thigh. In the right circumstances and with judicious
application, this works well as long as it is beyond conscious awareness. If not, the next
sound you hear may be the door slamming shutor worse. Just use common sense and discretion.

Voice accounts for 38% of face-to-face communication. It reflects how a person is feeling;
in other words, his or her attitude. People who are confused will sound confused, and people with a curious attitude will sound curious. You can learn to synchronize these sounds.

Tone. Notice the emotions conveyed by the tone of voice. Tune in to these emotions, get a feel
for them and use the same tone.

Volume. Does the other person speak in a quiet voice or a loud voice? The value of synchronizing
volume is not so much in doing it, but more in what can happen if you don't do it. If you are naturally loud and excitable and you meet someone who is more
soft-spoken and reserved, it goes without saying that the other person would feel much more at ease with
someone who spoke in the same tender tones. Conversely, a jovial, backslapping loudmouth
would surely find lots of common ground with someone who radiated a comparable degree of
exuberance.

Speed. Does the other person speak quickly or slowly? A thoughtful, slow-speaking individual can
be completely unsettled or flummoxed by a speed talker, just as much as a slow, ponderous
talker can drive a quick thinker to the point of distraction. Talking at the same speed as
someone else makes as much sense as walking at the same speed.