How the Dead Live (Factory 3) (26 page)

There was a short pause that seemed long and then Prince said: ‘Oh dear oh dear oh dear, we are in a temper today, aren’t we? And what might the charge be?’

‘There’ll be more than one,’ I said. ‘Conspiring to conceal a death, then there’s blackmail and, who knows, it might even go further than that.’

‘You’ll be lucky.’

‘That’s what they all say,’ I said, ‘right up to the bit where the judge says ten years, no recommendation. So now listen, bunny rabbit, are you the brains in here or just the minder? Why not let the boss get a word in?’

‘Watch your fucking mouth,’ said Prince, ‘or I’ll smash it through your teeth, copper.’

‘Even if you were able to,’ I said, ‘that would do you no good at all, the jam you’re both in. Now since you are just the minder all you need to do is fuck off, as you are beginning to give me a very big pain in my arse. I can see you’re on the slow side, but have you got it?’

Baddeley was on the sofa watching all this. For some reason he giggled. I said: ‘I shouldn’t giggle, Walter.’ I said in a voice as grey as death: ‘The real jokes haven’t started yet.’ I added to Prince: ‘Now don’t stand there, darling, when I’ve told you not to. I want a word with Walter here on his own. I’ve marked your card, now get out of here, you miserable wanker, and do it fast – I don’t bother with bunny rabbits.’

Prince turned white. ‘Go very easy on that talk,’ he said.

‘With you,’ I said, ‘I don’t need to go easy on any talk. I can go the distance with you – I can be as deliberate as I like.’

Prince said: ‘And you are being. If you weren’t a copper I’d have killed you by now.’

Baddeley said to me: ‘Look, why don’t you just calm down?’

‘Walter,’ I said, ‘this is a free and easy age, I know – but you just don’t talk to police officers like that.’

‘Why not?’ he sneered. ‘I talk to everybody else in Thornhill like that.’

‘That’s an agreeable stage in your life which is about to come to an end, Walter,’ I said. ‘I’m in a very bad temper with you, in case neither of you had noticed, and I’m no Inspector Kedward – which is lucky for me, because he’s about to be nicked too.’

‘What’s the charge?’ said Baddeley.

‘That’s none of your business,’ I said. ‘However, I’ll tell you: accepting a bribe, you know all about that, you little villain, but that’s only a start. Now get rid of this poof, will you, before I lose all patience.’ Whereupon Prince said: ‘All right, that’s it,’ and came at me and I said: ‘Indeed it is,’ and stamped on both his insteps very hard.

‘You can’t insult and attack people in my house!’ Baddeley
screamed. ‘Prince is my personal assistant!’

‘So is the devil,’ I said. I went over to Prince, who was sitting on the carpet moaning and stroking his feet. I said: ‘Never ever do that to me again, like have a go, do you understand, because it’ll be your fucking head next time, not your feet.’ I turned back to Baddeley and said to him: ‘What else does this cunt do for you, besides delivering dry ice to unfortunate old men and polishing the grate?’

‘He’s a bearer in my undertaking business.’

‘How nice to take your last journey on his shoulder. Look at him on the floor there, Walter, good old British stock, turn his hand to anything, from burials to blackmail, a bit of an all-rounder, isn’t he?’

‘We’ve all got to live,’ said Baddeley anxiously.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘And die too.’

Prince, his head coming and going backwards and forwards over his feet, moaned: ‘Why don’t we bury him, Walter? The bastard’s on his tod, there’s none to see.’

‘I’m one of those folk that never stay buried long,’ I said, ‘and I could see you out any day.’

‘Look,’ said Baddeley, ‘I can see you’re uptight over this business with the Mardys, but it was just a commercial deal.’

‘It certainly was,’ I said, ‘and it’s one of those deals that’s earned you a second-class single to a load of porridge. Now get up off that sofa.’

‘Why?’

‘Just do it, darling.’

‘You’re not going to have a go at me, are you? What? Are you? Are you mad?’

I said: ‘Get up and take your glasses off, I don’t want to blind you.’

Baddeley said: ‘Help me, Johnny, you can see this fucking copper’s going to start.’ Now all his pretensions had dropped and he talked like any villain.

‘I can’t, Walter,’ Prince said. ‘Can’t you see I’m hurt? I’m hurt bad, look at my feet.’

I said to Baddeley: ‘Get up on yours, undertaker.’ ‘No, I’d rather make a statement,’ he said. He added: ‘With my lawyer, of course.’

I repeated: ‘Get up.’

‘But I’ve got a weak heart,’ he mumbled, gazing at me like a sick animal, ‘anyone in Thornhill’ll tell you that.’

‘I’m fed up with what I hear in Thornhill,’ I said. Prince had realized how tight the moment was for the two of them and was trying to pick himself up off the floor. I said to him: ‘If you want a really good kick in the earhole you can have it. But if I were you I’d just go on trying to mend your feet. Keep quiet.’

‘Police officers can’t behave the way you’re going on,’ said Baddeley.

‘I’m other things besides a police officer,’ I said, ‘like a man, for instance – I don’t like you playing tricks with weak people.’

‘What are you going to do?’ said Baddeley.

I said: ‘Come outside.’

Prince said from the floor: ‘Negotiate, Walter. Negotiate.’

I said to Baddeley again: ‘I tell you, come outside.’

I pushed him outside to the drive where his Rolls-Royce stood. I said: ‘That car, is it locked?’

‘Yes.’

‘Unlock it. All the doors. Wide open.’

He sensibly did as I told him, then he said: ‘Now what are you going to do?’

‘I’ll show you,’ I said, getting my cock out. I pointed it into the car and pissed all over it; I’d been looking for a place for some time.

‘You’re pissing on twenty-six thousand quid’s worth!’ he screamed.

‘Yes, but the money’s not yours,’ I said. ‘Somehow I just don’t care.’

‘There must be a way to stop this,’ he entreated, wringing his hands.

‘That’s what Mardy thought when you began bleeding him,’ I said. ‘But there wasn’t, and there isn’t going to be with you either.’
I pissed on all over the seats, all custom-upholstered in lambswool.

Baddeley began to cry. ‘The stink’ll stay in the upholstery for ever!’

‘Good,’ I said, finishing my piss and zipping myself up. ‘But where you’re going you’re not going to need a car anyway, you can’t drive this thing round in a cell.’ Prince hobbled outdoors as I turned round. He said to Baddeley: ‘For Christ’s sake let’s top him.’ He looked dreadful. He was holding a shooter, but it didn’t look very steady. In his other hand he held a cut-glass tumbler full of whisky.

I said to him: ‘I very strongly recommend you to put that gun down,’ and Baddeley said: ‘Yes, I’ve got to talk to this man, you – fool, and I can’t do that if he’s dead.’

Prince began to cry. He said: ‘Now this cunt’s brought me down you don’t want to know about me any more, do you? That’s the fucking strength of it, Walter, isn’t it?’

Baddeley said: ‘Now don’t be idiotic, Johnny.’ At the same time he tried to get away into the dark. Prince fired at him. He missed; the bullet crashed through the windscreen of the car. Prince threw the gun down on the gravel and stood there with tears running down his face. ‘I feel so small,’ he said with his head down on his chest, ‘so bloody small.’

‘All right,’ I said. ‘That’s enough.’ I went forward, picked up the gun and looked at it; it was a Colt .38 revolver. I dropped it in my pocket. Baddeley said to Prince in a hard voice: ‘Johnny, get indoors. Somewhere where I can’t see you. Get out of the way, Johnny.’

‘So you don’t need me,’ he said, limping towards the front door. ‘You don’t need me.’

‘That’s right,’ Baddeley said to his back, ‘nobody does.’ Prince disappeared into the house. Baddeley turned to me now and said: ‘Forget about Johnny. What I want to know is, what can we do about this business, Sergeant?’

‘Nothing,’ I said.

‘Oh come on,’ he said. ‘Let’s be friends. I could give you a
cheque for twenty thousand right away. Or cash if you don’t mind waiting till morning when the banks open.’

‘The banks can open and shut as they please,’ I said, ‘I’m not interested.’

He turned white. ‘You can’t mean that.’

‘I do,’ I said. ‘Blackmail, accessory to murder, you’re going to go down for fifteen years minimum, you’ll see.’

‘What about Johnny?’

‘He can forget the sunshine for ten years.’

‘This is just laughter and jokes,’ said Baddeley.

I said: ‘Yes, and didn’t the Mardys love it.’

‘Look, thirty thousand, then. All cash. A nice little nest-egg, Sergeant. I’ve got ten thousand in notes in my safe, and you can have it to be going on with, the rest tomorrow. So we forget about all this, what do you say?’

I said: ‘I’ve got photocopies of all the payments between Clearpath and Wildways. I’ve got the proof I need to break you, and I’m going to.’

‘You people have no sense of fairness,’ he sobbed.

‘That sounds really funny,’ I said, ‘coming from you.’

Prince reappeared on the doorstep. He still held the tumbler in his hand, but now it was empty. He leaned against the stucco masonry of the porch. ‘I hate you,’ he said to Baddeley. ‘I really do, Walter. What’s the use of working for a man who makes love to you and then lets you go down?’

‘He’s going down himself,’ I said.

‘I want to do myself some good,’ said Prince. ‘At least let’s forget about the shooter.’

‘Why should I?’

‘The load of dry ice for the Mardys was me and Sanders. That was our lark.’

‘I know,’ I said, ‘and you’re going to sing like one.’

Baddeley shouted at him: ‘Will you just fuck off, Johnny!’ Prince staggered off, and Baddeley said to me: ‘Look, for the last time.’

I said: ‘The last time was the last time.’

‘Give me one chance,’ he said, ‘just one.’

‘You had it and used it long ago,’ I said.

‘How the fuck did you make Mardy talk?’

‘With pity,’ I said. I started to walk away. Baddeley tried to hold me back by the arm but I shook him off; I got into my car and drove out of there back to Thornhill in a state of great depression.

I walked into Thornhill police station; Turner was sitting there.

I said: ‘Is Inspector Kedward in?’

‘He’s not available, sorry.’

I said: ‘Make him available.’

‘For someone who’s on real bother you like giving orders, don’t you?’ Turner said.

‘Oh,’ I said, ‘you mean that man’s jaw I broke.’

‘Yes,’ he said, ‘and not just anyone’s jaw, it was a police inspector’s jaw.’

I said: ‘It was a cunt’s jaw, but I suppose these things get about.’

‘You’re the living proof that they do,’ said Turner.

I said: ‘Get Kedward out here, otherwise I’ll go in, I’ll do it myself. I’m just trying to be polite but I’m not trying that hard, see.’

‘You never make much of an effort over that,’ said Turner, ‘no.’ He started to get up, but Kedward came shooting out before he could. He said in a white voice: ‘Did you want to see me?’

‘You bet your life I do,’ I said. ‘I suppose this is going to be private, I don’t know why, so are you showing me the way or am I going to take it?’

He understood. I looked at myself in the reflection of a window as I went after him. I looked frightful. I looked as if I had slept in my clothes, and I had; since I’d been down in Thornhill I hardly seemed to have had a chance to get them off.

‘Well, sit down,’ said Kedward when we were in his office.

‘No,’ I said, ‘this is something I prefer to stand up for.’

‘Do as you please.’

‘I always do,’ I said.

He said: ‘Well? What is it? I’m in a hurry.’

‘You are,’ I said. ‘You’re in a hurry to do bird, because you are a
bent police officer.’

There was a silence and then he said: ‘Would you care to repeat that?’

‘Most certainly,’ I said. ‘In court.’

‘What are you implying?’

‘I’m not implying anything,’ I said. ‘I’m in the business of stating things and I am stating that you are bent.’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Well if you don’t I do,’ I said, ‘because I’ve been looking through your cheques over the last year, and when I look at the difference between your income and the money you’ve had, then I want to know a lot more, and so will a judge.’

He swallowed, staring at me.

‘How much did you take to sit on the Mardy thing and keep it quiet?’

‘Nothing.’

‘That’s an idiotic answer,’ I said, ‘because I can see from the cheques that it was nearly three thousand pounds from Wildways. You’d have taken cash if you’d had any sense but you hadn’t; thieves never have at that price.’

He said: ‘I’m just going to give you a piece of advice.’

‘You can shove that up your jumper, the position you’re in,’ I said. ‘What did you do with the money?’

‘I say I never had any.’

‘The cheques you banked don’t agree with you,’ I said. ‘You used that money to finance a mortgage on that club of your wife’s, the Lucky Jack, didn’t you? It’s no use your saying you didn’t, I’ve got the proof in my pocket.’ I remembered what a dreadful woman she was – stank like a jack-rabbit and talked far too much, mostly about money. She wasn’t Walter Baddeley’s sister for nothing.

‘I don’t deny my wife runs the Lucky Jack,’ he said. ‘But it’s her own venture, I’ve got nothing to do with it.’

‘Yes you have,’ I said, ‘and your bank and the building society will tell the court all about it. You’re just ad-libbing, and I’ll soon split that down.’

‘She started the club because she got bored sitting at home all day.’

I said: ‘Well now she’s got a new home coming to her where she’ll be even more frustrated.’

‘What about a drink?’ said Kedward. ‘I’ve got some nice malt here in the drawer.’

‘Not me,’ I said. ‘Never when I’m on duty.’

‘Oh don’t be so fucking holy,’ said Kedward, getting the bottle out, ‘we’re two coppers alone in here.’

‘I told you no.’

‘All right, then,’ he said. ‘What about that inspector’s jaw you broke? You’ll be disciplined for that, and serve you right.’