Hope for Your Heart: Finding Strength in Life's Storms (5 page)

I lived in daily dread of what might happen to Mom. In the midst of one of his rampages about Mother’s mental state, I lost it. “Has it ever occurred to you that
you
might be the one mentally ill?” I asked, seething with hatred.

Instantly my father retaliated physically. I was stunned. His actions struck me like a flash flood. Nevertheless, I was determined he would not make me cry, and he didn’t.
I won
. . . until the next morning when my father sent me to boarding school for several months. I was only ten minutes away from home, but I might as well have been in Siberia.

For several summers I was also sent away to camp. To get to go to camp is one matter . . . being sent away to camp is another. Since this camp was in Colorado, every mention of Colorado evoked a sickening feeling. While at camp, I never knew if Mother would be permanently gone . . . institutionalized . . . when I returned home. For years I hated Colorado.

Only when Mom took us kids to her mother’s in Idabel, Oklahoma, did I afford myself the luxury of relaxation and genuine carefree play with neighboring cousins. There I allowed myself to live, and there my mother also lived, because theremy father was not around! But unfortunately we always went back home.

The “bad influence” accusations . . . the threats to have Mom institutionalized . . . the isolation of boarding school . . . the exiles to summer camp . . . Dad’s perpetual pummeling all led to a deepening sense of hopelessness and despair within me. When I felt I could bear it no longer, I approached Mother with a practical solution.

“I’ve figured out a way to kill Dad,” I announced matter-of-factly. “There won’t be much repercussion on me because I’m a minor.” I was dead serious, but I’m so grateful for my mother’s response. She did not chide me or laugh at me or ridicule me. Instead she gently and sympathetically said, “No, honey. I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but that really won’t be necessary.”

My offer to kill Dad was not motivated by a desire to commit cold-blooded murder. Instead, like my impulse to drive off the bridge, it was motivated by utter hopelessness. I had lost hope that I would ever experience a home where I felt protected . . . where life was predictable . . . where justice prevailed . . . where I could be at peace.

Hopelessness, the kind I understand intuitively because of my growing-up years, is what motivates countless people across the United States and Canada to call me each weeknight during the live two-hour call-in counseling radio broadcast I host. Over the years I’ve received thousands of poignant and pain-filled calls on
Hope In The
Night
. . . desperate cries from people struggling with all kinds of heartaches.

One of the most memorable conversations I’ve ever had involved a man named Tyler, an alcoholic unable to overcome his addiction. Because of his alcohol dependence and the resulting problems, his wife of twenty years had left him, and he had been divorced for six years.

Feeling utterly hopeless, he was on the verge of committing suicide. In fact, when he called me, Tyler had a loaded gun in his hand. Our unforgettable conversation unfolded like this:

June, I want to end my life.

What’s so painful that you want to take your life?

My ex-wife said, “If you ever drink again, I’ll divorce you.” I went to a treatment center, and I was sober for eight years. But I drank again and she divorced me.

You’re saying that you feel hooked, and you know the costs. . . . It cost you your marriage and . . .

Counseling hasn’t helped. I also pray and go to church, but the temptation is
still there. What do I do?

The apostle Paul said, “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (Rom. 7:19 esv). And then he said, “Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (Rom. 7:24). There was a sense of desperation. Only a relationship with Christ could bring about real change. Tyler, God knows the pain in your heart, but He also says, “I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you . . . not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11).

I’ve been with God all of my life, but I’ve been an alcoholic for thirty-seven
years. I’ve got two wonderful children I love, and I love my ex-wife too. Now I
have nobody. For twenty years I raised my kids, but I wasn’t really there because
of my alcoholism. When the divorce finally went through, it just blew me away
and right now I don’t care.

Do you have a plan for committing suicide?

Yeah, I’ve got a gun sitting right here.

How long have you had this plan?

I’ve been thinking about it for the last twelve months. I have lived forty-nine
years, and all those years have been hell. I’ve loved God, I know the Bible, I’ve
asked God to help me so many times . . . but every time I pray for help, nothing
happens.

Let me ask you: Do you believe that Jesus is God?

Yes, I do.

When He was in the garden of Gethsemane, He prayed, “Let this cup pass from me.”
¹
If Jesus, who is God, prayed to the Father and that prayer was not answered, there was a more perfect will. We may not understand God’s will at the time, but there is always a bigger picture that we can’t see. You said you have children—how old are they?

A daughter who is twenty-two and a son who’s nineteen. I love them both. But
I’ve burned so many bridges that I don’t have anyone to grab onto.

God has a plan for you, Tyler. There is a reason I asked about your son and daughter. You told me you love them very much. At times we think,
There is no hope for me. I don’t have any choice.
When your kids and your ex-wife say, “Hey, I don’t want to be a part of your life anymore,” you don’t have that control. So the issue isn’t just about you . . . it’s about the devastation to the family. Are you aware of what happens when a parent commits suicide? The children have a huge sense of guilt, as though it was their fault. They carry that for years and years.

But then why don’t they show you the love when you’re going through the pain
and the hurt?

Frustration and immaturity. But if you really truly love them, will you do what is loving toward them? I’m talking about making the decision to say, “Yes, I’ve hurt them in the past, but I will do my best to stop hurting them in the future.” You have a choice right now, and it’s an extremely important choice. . . . Where’s the gun right now?

It’s right by my side.

I would like for you to make a godly choice right now to unload the gun. Take the bullets out.

Okay. Can you hold on for a minute?

I will hold.

All right, it’s unloaded.

Take those bullets and put them in another room. Now, you said you truly love your son and daughter and even your ex-wife. A son and a daughter both want the best relationship possible with their daddy. The most difficult thing about suicide is there is no way that they can have a relationship in the future.

But they don’t want me.

They don’t want what they’ve had with your addiction. Every son and daughter wants the best relationship possible. With suicide you cut off all potential in the future, but more than that, you don’t want to do this because you told me you really love them. Actions and addictions can be changed. You don’t want to destroy your kids, do you?

No, I don’t.

I don’t think you are that self-consumed, that self-centered that you would want to inflict pain for years. So what we’ve got to do, then, is come up with a true solution. You’ve told me you want to do what God wants you to do and you know the Ten Commandments say, “Thou shalt not kill.”
²
So if you really want to do what God wants you to do, you have to say, “God, I know I have felt hopeless, but I will choose to eliminate the option of suicide, no matter what.”

But Ananias and Sapphira were killed because they lied to God, and I’ve
been a sinner.

Death can be a consequence God chooses in that He is the author of life and death. I don’t think you really want to play God. I don’t think your intent is, “I’m going to take the role that God alone should have.” Right now you’re in such pain that you’re saying, “I hate the pain. I just want to end the pain.”

I just want it over.

I think it’s the addiction you need to get over. You just don’t have the plan in place to get the true solution for your addiction. Addictive behavior means: Instead of
you
being in control, the behavior has control of you. But there are thousands and thousands of people who do eventually gain control.

I went through two treatment centers, and the addiction comes back and just
nails me to the wall.

I know it’s hard, but there is hope. I’ve done a little math here—you said you had been an alcoholic for thirty-six years?

Thirty-six years, yes.

And you’re forty-nine. So you were an alcoholic when you were thirteen years old.

Yes.

The Bible says, “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has has come” (2 Cor. 5:17). Because every authentic Christian literally has Christ in him or her, Christ is the power source for change. I’m not talking about behavior modification. Anybody can modify behavior for a period of months or even years, but Christ changes people permanently . . . from the inside out.

I believe that.

Is it possible you want to access the supernatural power of God but you don’t have Christ on the inside causing the change? When you have
Christ
in you
, you have the power of God available to overcome whatever temptation, addiction, or struggle. I’m wondering if it’s possible that you don’t truly have Christ
in you
. So many people have made an assumption that they have Christ when they really don’t. Part of it is because they know so much intellectually that it’s a camouflage keeping them from seeing that they don’t have the real life of Christ.

I see what you’re saying. Just because I know the Bible and I know what God
wants me to do, I think it’s going to happen automatically. But that’s not true.

The Bible says I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength. It’s through His power, so you need Him on the inside. The whole issue is for us to lay down our will and say, “Lord, I want your life inside of me.”

It’s like the song, “Take My Life and Let It Be.”

As 2 Corinthians 13:5 says, “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?”Tyler, I think it is valuable enough for you to pray that prayer and say, “Lord, I want You in my life, not for me to have head knowledge. I need You in my heart. I need to give You absolute control. I’m out of control and have been for years. I learned some behavior modification, but I’m not transformed.”

I’ve been informed but not transformed.

Yes, yes. I’m so proud of you, Tyler, because many people are too prideful to even admit they have a need. Why don’t we tell God what you’ve just told me, that you know you need to be transformed and you need Him to transform you?

[Tyler asked Christ to take control of his life.]

An hour ago I was desperate, but I feel a whole lot better.

Okay. Now the beauty is found in Ecclesiastes 9:4, which says, “Anyone who is among the living has hope.” You have all the hope you need, because it is God’s hope.

What a priceless privilege it was to assure Tyler that God, our Provider and Protector, is with us every moment . . . from the time storm clouds formulate until they dissipate. And what a priceless privilege it was to see authentic Christian hope birthed in Tyler’s life as he grabbed hold of his Anchor.

Tyler’s hand on that gun was just like my foot on that accelerator all those years ago. Despair darkened our days; we held no hope that the sun would ever break through and shine joy, peace, and unconditional love upon our lives. Hopelessness is indeed the most serious of matters; it can drive desperate people to take desperate measures, pursuing a permanent solution in an effort to end overwhelming pain.

But comprehending God’s love and faithfulness and recognizing that God has a plan for our lives, people like Tyler and me,
and per
haps you
, can move forward . . . healed by hope . . . held secure by our Anchor.

You see, when I entrusted my life to Christ, everything began to change. Hope began to illuminate my life . . . almost imperceptibly at first, then breaking forth in irrepressible light.

I wasn’t the first one to notice the newly dawned light in my soul. It was my friends at Colorado summer camp. The summer after I invited Christ into my life, I was sent off to camp . . . again. Once there, others told me they noticed something different about me, about my countenance, about my attitude.

While I still wished to be elsewhere, unlike previous summers when I reluctantly and begrudgingly participated in activities, this summer I was present and I was engaged. But the strange thing about it was, I did not make a conscious decision to be different . . . I just was.

Without my even realizing it, God was changing me not only on the inside but also on the outside. Had it not been for the encouraging comments directed toward me, I don’t think I would have even noticed something mysteriously wonderful happening to me.

I was unaware of hope burrowing its way into my heart and lodging itself there, hope that was being evidenced by my newfound ability to find good in my once grim camping experiences. During previous summers I’d hiked the same steep, rocky switchback trails and fished from the same fresh mountain streams; I had shot bullets and arrows at targets, paddled canoes, and ridden horses. I had done all the things summer campers do in the Colorado mountains. Yet no one could tell on the outside that on the inside I was
alone, isolated,
emotionally disengaged
. I went through the motions, but it was always without emotions.