Holding On To Love (20 page)

We reached the elevators and Kennedy pushed the call button. We waited and listened for the familiar 'ding' as the car stopped on our floor. The doors opened, we wheeled our bags inside and I pushed button for the sixteenth floor. I giggled and my cheeks flushed as I recalled a certain elevator 'incident' from the day before.

"What's so funny?" She asked curiously.

"Nothing, just something about elevators and how I'll never be able to look at them the same way again," I said smiling brightly.

Kennedy laughed and shook her head.

The elevator doors opened once we reached our floor and we followed the hallway to our room. I slid the key into the card slot, the tiny light blinked green and the door unlocked. The room wasn't anything special, just two double beds, a bathroom and a view of the Denver skyline. Once we claimed our beds and freshened up, we headed back downstairs.

The lobby bar was buzzing with people, which I thought was unusual for a Tuesday night, but we grabbed a table near the bar and listened to the music as we waited. A server swung by our table, took our drink orders and handed us some menus. We decided to share a plate of nachos, I ordered a mojito and Kennedy opted for water. Once our food arrived, we both caught each other yawning non-stop, so we devoured our nachos and headed back to our room.

We changed into our pajamas, brushed our teeth and crawled into bed. After such a long day, for both of us, we fell asleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow. 

"Al, are you awake yet?" I heard Kennedy ask between lucid dream
s.

I rolled over to face her, checking the clock on the night stand between us.

"Uh...I am now," I said sleepily.

"Oh. I didn't mean to wake you up, sorry," she apologized.

"We should probably get up anyway. It's already almost nine," I said, noting that Kennedy was already dressed and had been waiting patiently for me to wake up.

"What's your plan of attack today?" She asked.

"Um— Well, I was thinking we could drive straight up to visit Andrew's grave first thing this morning. Unless, you have something in mind?" I said yawning.

"Nope. I'm here for you, so whatever you wanna do is fine with me."

"Well, first of all, I'm gonna need some caffeine and a shower," I said rubbing my eyes.

"I saw a coffee shop in the lobby. Go get in the shower and I'll get us some coffees."

"Tea for me," I corrected her and paused, "but if all they have is coffee, I'll take it."

"Kay, I'll see if they have tea. Be right back," she said as she slid off the bed and bounced out the front door.

For a non-morning person, she sure was up early and clearly more awake than I was. I threw the blankets back and drug myself out of the comfortable hotel bed, making a mental note to find out what kind of bed it was before we checked out.  I unzipped my suitcase, pulled out some clean clothes and my toiletries and headed into the bathroom. Kennedy's expansive make-up collection covered half the counter and her mini shampoo, conditioner and body wash bottles lined the edge of the tub neatly.

I turned on the shower and the bathroom quickly filled with warm steam. I washed my face, hair and it felt so good to scrub the griminess off of me left over from our flight. Once I was sparkling clean, I dried off, rubbed some lotion onto my skin and blew my hair dry.

By the time Kennedy returned with my tea and her coffee, I was dressed and ready to go.

"Are you ready?" I asked.

"Whenever you are," she replied.

We made our way back downstairs and through the lobby. I handed the valet our claim ticket and he quickly disappeared into the garage. The cool morning breeze was welcomed with open arms, since it was at least a twenty degree difference from Arizona's sweltering heat.

"It's so much nicer here. Not hot-as-hell, like back home." Kennedy said as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Yeah, but winters around here suck, trust me," I said flatly.

"You're right, I don't think I could ever drive in the snow. But summer time here is gorgeous."

"It really is," I agreed.

A moment later, the valet pulled our car up to the curb and stepped out. I handed him a tip and thanked him.

"He was kinda cute," Kennedy said as she kept her gaze trained on the valet.

"I didn't even notice," I lied, since I didn't want to encourage her anymore than necessary.

"Come on, friend. Lets go," I said and motioned for her to get into the car.

We slowly made our way through downtown traffic and headed north once we reached the freeway. The hour long drive was quiet between us, although Kennedy sang along to every song on the radio and bounced in her seat; yet all I could do was think about was Andrew. I felt a pang in my gut, like I was preparing myself to break-up with him. Alive or not, I still felt connected to him and I knew this would be the most difficult thing I ever had to do.

Would he approve of me seeing someone like Brody? I couldn't imagine he would ever be okay with another man in my life. God, I'm a mess. 

We reached our exit in what seemed like minutes rather than an hour and  I turned the Mercedes onto the familiar highway into the small town where Andrew and I once lived together. During fall, the streets would be crowded with college students going to and from classes over the expansive campus. However, during the summer months, without all the students the town almost seemed like a wasteland without the hustle and bustle.

About two miles west out of town, I made a left onto an old country road. Hundred year old oak trees lined the narrow drive and grass had grown through some of the cracks in the asphalt. By the look of it, there hadn't been anyone on the road in at least a month. The road curved and I slowed the car as we passed the large stone pillars that read, 'Mountain View Cemetery'. As unmaintained as the road in was, the cemetery was groomed and immaculate. Each head stone was adorned with white carnations and a few rows also had tiny American flags placed neatly alongside. Tears stung at the corners of my eyes as we passed the veteran's memorial wall and I took a moment to inwardly thank them for their service. Once we reached the end of the road, I pulled the Mercedes into a parking space and turned it off.

"We're here," I said softly.

"I'll just wait here for you— But, Ally...if you need me, just let me know, kay?" She said reassuringly.

"Okay. I won't be too long," I said and opened the car door.

The sun shone brightly on the cemetery grounds, but the mountain air was cool and refreshing. I fished the picture of Andrew and I out of my purse, along with my engagement ring and followed the stone path to where he was laid to rest. The familiar marble stone lay flat in the well-manicured grass at the very end of the pathway. It looked as if the groundskeepers made their rounds earlier, placing fresh flowers on each grave. I knelt down, traced his name with my fingertips, set the picture under his name and pulled the ring from its box. I held it tightly in my hand and closed my eyes tightly as tears fell silently, leaving tiny droplets on his stone.

"I miss you so much," I whispered, "you've been my everything for so long and I don't think I ever really said goodbye, 'cause somewhere deep down in my heart, I thought you'd come back. You promised—" I paused as the tears clouded my vision. "You promised you'd always be by my side. We were supposed to grow old together...and now I'm all alone." I sobbed.

I took a deep breath and continued, "Remember when we spent the night in Aspen and we were curled up on the floor in front of the fire 'cause the power went out?— You said, the only thing that would make you happier, besides loving me, is just seeing me smile everyday...I want to smile again...I want to live again...I want to know how it feels to be happy again. I've spent so long hiding from my feelings and I just realized I've been missing out on a lot because I didn't want to face my emotions." I sniffled and wiped the tears from my cheeks, as the warmth of the sunlight wrapped around me like a tight bear hug.

"I came here today to tell you that I've met someone," I paused and took a deep breath, "he's nothing like you, Andrew. But I have a feeling, deep in my heart, maybe we could be good together someday. I just don't want to hurt anymore and I can't keep holding on to our love like I have been for so long. I love you more than you will ever know and I don't know if I'll ever be able to love someone as much as I once loved you, but I have to try. For me...for us...I need to move on." It was like someone turned on a switch to my tear ducts; I laid my face in my palms and sobbed harder. My chest ached and my body shook as I promised myself this would be the last time I would cry over Andrew Raleigh.

"I love you. You will always have a place in my heart..." I said softly and placed the ring over the 'A' in his name. "Good bye, Andrew." I leaned down, kissed the cool marble and moved the carnations over our picture.

I stood up, took a deep breath and walked with my head down back to the car. Kennedy was still waiting patiently with her gaze trained on her phone.

"Hey," I said in a half choke.

She swung the door open and bounded towards me with open arms. She hugged me tightly and I squeezed back.

"Are you ready to go?" She asked.

"Yeah. I'm ready," I said softly and released our embrace.

"Want me to drive?" She asked cautiously.

I smiled and shook my head. "No way. You drive like a maniac."

She protested, got into the passenger side and pulled the door closed.

I turned around one last time to say goodbye to my past, blew a kiss and whispered, "Thank you for showing me how to love." 

The Mercedes purred to life once again and we made our way back down the narrow drive, passing through the cemetery gates.

Once we were on the main road, I felt like a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders and the further we traveled, the better I felt about the decision I'd made just a few moments ago.

"Are you hungry, yet? There's a cool little southern style cafe in Old Town that I use to go to all the time back in college," I said.

"Yeah, actually, I am. My tummy has been growling for the last hour," she giggled.

Once we'd made our way back into town, I pulled to the curb outside the white house-like restaurant and turned the car off.

The smell of homemade biscuits and cinnamon tea filled the air as we walked through the creaky yellow door. We were greeted by a hostess who showed us to a table on the patio.

"Everything here is amazing," I said as unfolded the paper menu.

"I'm so hungry, I could eat one of everything," Kennedy said as she eyed the trays of food being served to guests at adjacent tables.

Our waitress returned with our tea and took our orders. I ordered my favorite, red beans and rice with andouille sausage and poached eggs. Kennedy ordered Cajun shrimp and a side of grits.

Once our food was served, we both eyed our plates, cursing ourselves silently for ordering so much food. But, it was delicious and we cleaned our plates. Kennedy paid our tab and we held our bellies, groaning all the way back to the car.

"I'm so full," she said.

"Me too," I agreed.

It was a little past two when we reached the hotel. Our stomach's had settled and we decided on some R-n-R by the pool. Once we changed into our bathing suits, we headed out to the rooftop pool, which was actually deserted. We found a couple of lounge chairs near the railing with an excellent view of the city.

"What should we do tonight?" I asked Kennedy as she slid her sunglasses over her eyes.

"Doesn't matter to me. I could get use to this though...not having to worry about work, just relaxing our days away beside a pool with a glass of champagne," she said.

"We don't even have champagne, dork. And I don't wanna be hung over tomorrow, cause our flight leaves kinda early."

"Well—" She said as she stood up, "I'm going to see if room service delivers up here, 'cause I need a drink."

"Good luck with that," I smiled and leaned back against the soft fabric of the lounge chair.

"You'll see. I've got my ways," she giggled and disappeared into the hotel.

I closed my eyes and listened to the waterfall over the grotto splash into the pool. The peaceful sound of the lapping water, relaxed me so much that I drifted off to sleep in a matter of seconds.

"Close your eyes, Ally. I have a surprise for you," a familiar voice said.

"I hate surprises," I whined, but did as I was instructed and closed my eyes.

I felt a hand on my lower back guide me as I took small, cautious steps forward. "Almost there," he said softly and his voice made me giggle.

"Oh my God, where are we going?" I asked.

"Shh. I don't wanna ruin the surprise," he said.

I continued to walk forward and I felt a rush of cool air against my cheeks.

"Okay, now take a step down," he said and I slowly felt the step with my toes. "One more...Okay, stop."

"Really, Andrew, is all this really necessary?" I asked, my eyes still closed tightly.

"Yes. On the count of three, open your eyes. Okay?" He asked.

I nodded excitedly.

"One...Two...Thr—" His voice drifted off and I opened my eyes slowly.

I was standing in the middle of a hockey rink with a spotlight over my head. I looked around me, but there wasn't anyone there and the arena was dark. My gaze fell onto the ice and just in front of my bare feet was a silver charm bracelet. I bent down to pick it up and inspected it carefully. There were two charms...a hockey puck and a ruby, shaped like a heart.

"Ally...Ally!" Kennedy called and my eyes fluttered open. My heart raced and I jumped.

"Jesus Christ, Ally! You look like you just saw a ghost."

I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming and shook my head.

"I must've fallen asleep and you scared the shit outta me. Sorry friend," I said, still dazed.

She stood with her hands on her hips like she was waiting for me to explain. "What were you dreaming about?" She asked as if she read my mind.

"Sit down," I said. "You're gonna think I'm certifiably insane after I tell you this."