Highland Lover: Book 3 Scottish Knights Trilogy (34 page)

That disagreed with her new belief in what a marriage should be and with her desire for his caresses. But it
would
be better than what she’d had with Niall. A few weeks of the year with Jake would be more interesting—and more exciting—than a lifetime with Niall would have been.

She continued to feel sorrow for Niall’s death. She also knew, despite Jake’s assurances, that she was more willing to marry him than he was to marry her. Where, she wondered, might such disparity of feelings lead, especially if a man felt free to roam? Would he feel free to do other things, too?

She had looked away to think. Now, she looked back and saw that he was watching her closely.

“You’re having second thoughts,” he said.

“I have not told you what my first thoughts are.”

“Aye, but I could see them, lass—and feel them, too, in
your kisses and in the way your body responded to mine. You wanted me as much as I want you. But now you sense a conflict, doubtless in my love of freedom.”

Solemnly, she said, “I won’t seek to confine you against your will, sir. In troth, though, I am uncertain of my feelings in the face of yours.”

“How is that?”

“Sithee, I married Niall so I’d have a home of my own where I could escape my family’s incessant demands. I had always liked him. So when he expressed his desire to marry me, I decided that marriage to someone I liked would be better than one to a stranger that my father or brother might choose for me.”

“I expect it would be,” he said doubtfully.

“Aye, but now I fear that I might accept you for the same reason or to satisfy the bishop and his eminence. You said they’d anticipated my family’s reaction, and I must say that the thought of telling my great-aunt Beatha, in particular, that I’ve annulled my marriage to Niall to marry you without even knowing for sure that he’s dead…” She shuddered. “Moreover, if gossips would talk of our
journey
, sir, would they not say worse of our marrying?”

“How long do you think that such people or your family would expect you to wait for Niall?” he asked quietly.

She considered her answer carefully. “I think most of them would expect me to wait as long as it takes,” she said at last. “That has been my own expectation. Practically speaking, I think it would depend on how soon my brother Ranald marries. Since I own estates to which I might remove, I doubt that his wife, when he has one, will welcome my presence at MacGillivray House. But my kinsmen would all object to my living on those estates
without a husband to protect me, just as they did before, when they realized that Niall would often be away.”

“They will eventually realize that, even if he is still alive, he’s likely to remain captive for years,” Jake said. “An annulment would be the most proper course to follow if that
were
the case, would it not?”

“Do you think so? I doubt the Holy Kirk would agree with you, were it not for the other matter,” she said, grimacing. “But if you think I want to tell my family that Niall did not want me, that I failed to please him and was unattractive to—”

“It can have nowt to do with your attractiveness, lass, believe me. Some men are just less attracted to women than others are, that’s all. In troth, some men are not attracted to women at all. It has nowt to do with the women.”

She heard that edge in his voice again and wondered at it. He seemed to have taken a strong aversion to poor Niall. But instinct warned her not to ask Jake much more about that, lest she hear more than she wanted to hear.

So she said, “ ’Tis true that I don’t know his reasons. But ’twas plain enough since our marriage—mayhap even before it—that he did prefer Mungo’s company to mine.” She sighed. “What Great-Aunt Beatha will say to all that has happened since Christmas does not bear thinking about.”

“Then don’t think about it.”

“But how can I be sure of my feelings?”

“Like this,” he said softly, kissing her again and holding her close.

Sighing again, this time with pleasure, she realized that with such methods he could persuade her to do what
ever he wanted her to do. Resolutely, she put her hands to his chest and gently pushed him away. “Don’t you see, Jake? You are appealing to my emotions. And my emotions are what urged me to marry Niall.”

“Then I’ll return you to your bedchamber and let you think about all that has happened and what we’d like you to do—what
I want
you to do. If by morning you find that you cannot stand the thought of marrying me, I’ll take you home and stand by you whilst we explain to your family just what happened.”

Again, such ready agreement stirred her annoyance. But, telling herself she was being unreasonable, she let him take her to the door. Before he opened it, he said, “If Mistress Hyde awakens, tell her you were seeking the garderobe.”

“There is a pail,” she said.

“Aye, well, sometimes a pail is insufficient or one fears that its contents might offend the other party in one’s chamber.”

A gurgle of laughter bubbled up, surprising her. Nevertheless, she was delighted to see him grinning back at her.

“Come now,” he said, opening the door and preceding her down the stairs.

At her room, he brushed her lips with his, opened the door more silently than she could ever have done, and urged her inside.

Mistress Hyde was snuffling with reassuring regularity. So Alyson crossed the room to her own cot and slipped quietly beneath the covers.

It was long, though, before she slept.

Jake reached into his wee pouch and took out the circle stone, idly rubbing its smooth surface as he sought his bedchamber. Alyson’s uncertainty matched his own, because he questioned his feelings as much as she was questioning hers.

His liege, the Lord of the Isles, also commanded most of the western coast of Scotland. MacGillivray House and at least one of Alyson’s estates lay in Perth. To be sure, she had mentioned an estate near the Moray Firth, doubtless in Clan Chattan territory and thus near his friends Ivor Mackintosh and Fin Cameron.

Remembering days at St. Andrews, when the three of them would confer before making decisions, he wished that one or both men were at hand now. Both would visit Perth when Parliament met and be at Scone Abbey for Wardlaw’s consecration in a fortnight. But that was not soon enough.

Remembering that his first reaction to Wardlaw’s declaration that he should marry Alyson had been a sense of dismay at having stepped into a trap, he realized that his dismay had eased even before she’d said she had no wish to confine him.

Perhaps thoughts of honor and duty had eased it. Perhaps it was his strong desire for the lass. He slept at last without drawing any conclusion, and the next morning when he met Alyson on the stairway, he was just glad to see her.

Bidding her good day, he added, “Where is your respectable companion?”

Smiling, she said, “She takes longer to dress and agreed that there could be naught amiss in my awaiting her downstairs in the bishop’s privy chamber.”

“I doubt you’ll come to harm there. Forbye, I thought it was her duty to lend you respectability. Mayhap you ought to have waited for her.”

She looked mischievously at him. “In troth, sir, I think that as a burgher’s wife, she is unaccustomed to noblewomen. I offered to aid her, because she did not bring her woman. But my offer put her in a flutter, and she shooed me out.”

“In troth, I’m glad she did,” Jake said. “It gives us a chance to talk, although we should not speak more than pleasantries on this stairway.”

“As you wish,” she said amiably.

Jake gave her a searching look as they continued down the stairs, trying to discern what she was thinking. When he could not, he decided he could at least ask her one question: “Have you made up your mind yet?”

“Almost,” she said.

He stifled a near growl in his throat.

Alyson followed silently as Jake continued down the stairs. She could sense his frustration as if it had wafted through the air to engulf her.

At the great hall entrance, he paused long enough to say, “What impedes your decision, Allie?”

“It is all so sudden, happening so fast,” she murmured. “I ken fine that my prospects are dim if I don’t do this. I know, too, that if Niall
should
still be alive and will not couple with me, we’ll have no children. I know people will blame me for that, too. But even wanting it with all my heart, knowing that you agree, and with two priests telling me that annulment is the right thing to do, it still
feels
wrong. I cannot help it, Jake. I feel as if I’m betraying
my
promise to Niall.”

“Since he broke his vows to you, to the Kirk, and to God Himself, I believe it is the other way round,” Jake said grimly as he urged her into the hall.

Several priests sat at a table near the fire, talking in low voices. So Alyson and Jake crossed in silence to the bishop’s chamber. At the door, Jake stopped her and said with that strange edge in his tone that meant he was thinking about Niall, “Tell me something, lass.”

“Aye?”

“Do you think that
I
would abandon you if you were in danger?”

Without hesitation, she shook her head. “Nay, I have seen that you would not. But why do you ask such a thing?”

“Because that is the chief reason that you must agree to this annulment even if you do not marry me afterward—although I hope with all my heart that you will,” he added. Putting his face close to hers and speaking urgently, he said, “Don’t you see? You could
not
depend on Clyne if he
does
live. He has proven to you by his actions or, rather, by the sorry lack of them, that you could never
trust
him again.”

“But he must have thought—”

“Don’t make excuses for him! You heard Will just as I did. And that lad has given neither of us cause to think him a liar. He said Niall called out for you but turned away as soon as Mungo said he’d sent someone to fetch you. He did that even though everyone knew by then that the
Maryenknyght
was sinking.”

“But Niall would have
believed
Mungo.”

“Whom would Mungo have sent to find you?”

“I… I don’t know. One of the men, I suppose.”

“But all was chaos, Will said. Men were hurrying to board the pirate ships, abandoning the
Maryenknyght
, terrified of going down with her. Sakes, Niall and Mungo were amongst them. According to Will, when Mungo beckoned, Niall went unhesitatingly. Do you think I’d let someone lead me away by the nose if you were in danger? Sakes, do you think
I’d
believe that
you
would leave me?”

Jake saw the truth dawning in Alyson’s eyes as she stared into his. “Even if someone had tried to persuade me that
Niall
was safe,” she said, “I would not have left the
Maryenknyght
until I’d seen him with my own eyes. Nor would I have let that ship sail away without him, had I had any means to stop it.”

“Niall cannot have believed you were safe unless he wanted to believe it. From what I’ve heard of him, I can easily believe that
he
persuaded himself. And, if he did, he was not only a bad husband; he was a damnably bad friend. This is no longer about Niall Clyne and whether he lives or is dead.”