Here's Lily (11 page)

“Do you remember what happened?” Mom said.

“Dad was cooking bacon, and the grease caught on fire, and I tried to put it out. Only then there was more fire, and Dad got burned.”

“And so did you,” Mom said. “Yours are only second degree though. I know it hurts, but you're going to be fine.”

Lily put her hands up to her cheeks. All she could feel were bandages that felt two inches thick.

“I'm burned on my face?” she said.

“One on each side.” Mom forced a grin. “They match. Leave it to you to do it perfect—”

“What about Daddy? His hands were all burned, Mom!”

Her mother's grin faded. “Your dad wasn't as lucky as you were. He's burned all the way up to his elbows on both arms—some second degree, some third.”

“What does that mean, all those degrees?” Lily's heart was pounding, and the tears were already stinging in her eyes.

“It means he's in a lot of pain, and he's going to need some surgery and physical therapy. It's going to be a long haul.”

A sob wrenched Lily's face, and that hurt even more, and that made her want to cry even more.

“Ohhh, talk about salt in the wound, Lil,” Mom said. “Come on. Try not to cry. Let me get a Kleenex. There you go. Just breathe through it.”

“I can't!” Lily said. She tried to shake her head, but that hurt too.

“Daddy's going to be fine,” Mom said. “It's going to take time, but he'll pull through. We'll all help him. We have to thank God it wasn't worse.”

“It was my fault.”

“Don't even go there, Lil. It was no one's fault. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine for not just ordering you two a pizza. Who knew you were going to pick tonight to try gourmet cooking?” Mom laughed, but she reminded Lily of Suzy: her laughter was nervous, and it never reached her eyes.

“I'm sorry,” Lily said.

“There's no need to be. It wasn't your fault, and if you get yourself all upset, you're only going to hurt more. Come on. Just breathe easy and I'll pray.”

“God must hate me. I hardly ever pray anymore—”

“Lilianna.” Mom never used
Lilianna
unless she was really serious. “We're not going to have that kind of talk. God loves you. Period. End of discussion. Now close your eyes. Let's talk to Him.”

Lily did close her eyes, but all she could see were flames reaching out and grabbing her, grabbing Dad.

“Mom?” she whispered when the prayer was done. “Dad
is
gonna be all right, isn't he?”

“Yes. The doctors have all assured me. They wouldn't lie. I wouldn't lie.”

Still, Lily cried. Even though the tears stung as they trailed down into her bandages, she cried. She cried for a long time while Mom kept her head bowed.

Eleven

T
he doctor with almost no hair let Lily go home from the hospital the next morning. While Mom was downstairs signing papers, a nurse came in carrying a helium-filled pink balloon and smiling like she didn't have an off switch.

“You get to go home and be pampered all day, lucky lady.” She tied the balloon to the arm of Lily's wheelchair.

“I don't think anybody's going to wait on me,” Lily said as she slid into the chair. “We don't pamper at my house.”

“Lots of ice cream and DVDs,” the nurse continued, as if Lily hadn't even answered. “You can be queen for a day.”

She wheeled Lily out into the hall, and Lily was about to say they didn't do “queen” at the Robbins house when she caught sight of her reflection in the shining stainless steel elevator doors. A gasp escaped before she could stop it.

It was the first time she'd seen herself since the fire, and the sight sent a long shudder down her back.

A large bandage covered each side of her face. She knew that—she'd felt them with her hands last night— but she had no idea the rest of her face was bright red and that her forehead was swollen and threatening to tumble down over her eyebrows. She didn't know her eyelids were as puffy as biscuits or that her eyes were the color of Cassie's fingernail polish. She hadn't realized she looked like a freak.

The elevator doors slid open and split the bandaged freak in two.

“So you just snuggle onto the couch when you get home,” the nurse was saying, “and drink everything you like to drink, the more liquids the better.”

But the only liquids Lily could think about right then were the tears spilling from her eyes.

She was glad that when Mom joined her at the front door of the hospital, she didn't continue the nurse's nonstop grinning. In fact, as she pulled the car away from the curb, she looked as glad to leave the nurse behind as Lily was.

“That woman was far too cheerful,” Mom said. “Nobody should be allowed to smile that much this early in the morning.”

“I might never smile again.”

“Are you hurting? They sent some pain medication home with us.”

“I'm a freak now! My forehead looks like it belongs on a baboon!”

“The swelling will go down,” Mom said. “You aren't going to be Ape Woman for more than a day.”

“Mo-om!”

“Lil—come on. Don't lose your sense of humor. Dad still has his, and he's got a long way to go before he looks human again.”

Lily blinked back the newest onslaught of tears. “Are you coming back to get him after you drop me off?”

“Uh, no.” Mom stopped at a red light and tilted her head at Lily. Her brown doe-eyes looked suddenly sad. “He isn't going to be home for at least a week,” she said. “He's having surgery right now. I have to come back as soon as I get you settled. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear, hon.”

As Mom cruised the car forward again, all Lily could do was stare straight ahead. The road disappeared in a blur of tears, and her already burning face flamed even hotter.

What's wrong with me?
she thought miserably.
Here I am whining because my face is messed up, and my dad is having some awful operation! I'm a horrible person!

Lily had never felt shame like this before. It burned into parts of her that hadn't been touched by the kitchen fire. She wanted to shake it out of her, run away, hide her whole horrible self under the mess in the backseat.

But she knew no matter what she did, she couldn't get away from it. The shame burned inside her like a grease fire that couldn't be put out.

“Now remember, he's going to be all right,” Mom said. “They have to repair some damage and it's going to be painful for him, but he'll be able to use his hands again just fine. He'll be home, driving us all nuts looking for his glasses before you know it.”

Lily flung her face into her hands and burst into fresh tears. They stung her eyes and her face, and the sobs choked up her throat, but she couldn't stop.

“God love you,” Mom said. “I know this is torture for you. You've got more feelings than Art and Joe and me all put together.”

That only made Lily cry harder.
She thinks I'm all good and wonderful because I'm crying for Dad
, Lily thought as more sobs broke out of her chest.
But all I am is selfish and vain
. She wrapped her arms around herself as her body started to shake.
You were wrong, Mom
, she wanted to cry out.
God
must
hate me now
.

She was crying so hard that she didn't notice they weren't headed home until they pulled into Reni's driveway.

“I don't want to see anybody, Mom,” Lily managed to say.

“You don't have much choice,” Mom said. “I have to get back to the hospital. Mrs. Johnson will take good care of you.”

“I can take care of myself. Why can't I just go home?”

“Nobody's going home for several days,” Mom said. “The smell in there is enough to gag a maggot.”

“What smell?” Lily asked.

Mom gave her a teasing almost-grin. “You and your father tried to burn the house down, remember? Nobody's going to live in there until the cleaning service gets the stench out.”

“We didn't try to—”

“Would you lighten up, Lil? I'm teasing you. Everything is going to be fine. You kids should love it. Until the kitchen's redone we're going to have to eat out or order in every night.”

Lily was certain she'd never eat again even when, after Mom left, Reni's mother offered her pancakes, waffles with strawberries and whipped cream—anything she wanted.

“I'm really not hungry,” Lily said. “Can I just go to Reni's room and lie down?”

“Your mama says you have to keep fluids in you at all times.” Mrs. Johnson smiled and showed the same deep dimples Reni had. “So what's your pleasure? Coke? Sprite? Lemonade?”

“Water,” Lily said.

“One water coming up.”

But the minute Mrs. Johnson put the frosty pitcher and the glass with a curlicue straw on the bedside table and left Reni's room, Lily turned her face to the wall and cried until she fell asleep.

When she woke up, she heard whispering. She was sure someone was saying, “She nearly burned her father up, and all she could think about was her precious face.” But as she shook off the ugly cobwebs of her dream, she opened her eyes and saw Kathleen.

She wanted to pull the covers up over her head.

“Hey, there!” Kathleen sank—elegantly, of course—into a chair Mrs. Johnson had pulled up to the bed before she tiptoed out. “You gave us all quite a scare.”

“Don't look at me,” Lily said, “or you'll really get a scare.”

Kathleen surveyed Lily's face and slowly shook her head. “This isn't the
best
look for you,” she said, “but if anybody can pull it off, you can.”

Lily blinked. “Pull what off?”

“The show. Your mom said the doctor told her it should be no problem for you to walk down a runway a couple of times. We'll have extra help for you for your changes, but—”

“I can't be in the show!” Lily almost shouted. Her voice was scratchy and pitiful, but she didn't care.

“Excuse me?”

“You don't want me in your show! I look like a baboon!”

Kathleen sat back in the chair and folded her hands neatly in her lap so that all her nails lined up in a polished, white-tipped row. She seemed to look at Lily forever, until Lily had to turn her own eyes miserably down to Reni's comforter.

“In the first place,” Kathleen finally said, “it isn't ‘my' show; it's ‘our' show. It's very much all of ours, and I can't imagine it happening without you.”

“But—”

“And in the second place, you look absolutely nothing like a primate of any kind. You are a beautiful young woman with some bandages on her face. Yes, your forehead is swollen, but I'm practically watching it go down as I sit here.”

Lily shrugged.

“I'm surprised at you,” Kathleen said.

“Why?”

“I was convinced that you understood that we're not about drop-dead gorgeous at Rutledge. We're about poise and self-confidence. We're about being healthy and setting a good example for other girls your age who think they have to wear gobs of makeup and labels to be someone.”

The comforter began to blur.

“And
you
are the most poised, the most confident, and therefore the most beautiful person in our class.”

“I'm not beautiful right now. Look at me.”

“Have you been listening?”

“I'm ugly on the inside. I was supposed to look for God in modeling, and I never did. I got so wrapped up in being this show-off and wanting to throw it in Shad Shifferdecker's face, that I—I burned the kitchen and burned my father, and when he was lying in some operating room, all I did was—was whine b-b-because I looked like an ape.”

Kathleen probably didn't understand half of that, but she leaned forward, nodding her head as if she'd comprehended every word. She picked up Lily's hand and held it gently between hers. “Bless you, Lily.” Her usually very shiny eyes were velvet soft. “There's a battle going on in there, isn't there?”

Lily could only nod and cry. She knew snot must be bubbling at her nostrils, but who cared?

“And do you know who the enemy is?” Kathleen asked.

Lily shook her head.

“It's you.”

Lily took the Kleenex Kathleen handed her and swabbed at her eyes, which was pointless since more tears just kept coming out.

“You're being much, much too hard on yourself. Much harder than God is being, I'm sure of that.”

“You know about God?” Lily said.

Kathleen gave her air-filled laugh. “I'm a Christian too. If you'd told me you were looking for God at Rutledge, I'd have pointed Him out all over the place! And I would have started right here.”

She put a shiny nail to Lily's chest.

“Not in me,” Lily said.

“Yes, in you. How on earth do you think you got all that poise?”

“You taught me.”

“I taught you to look at the special gifts and qualities
God
gave you.” She smiled. “Actually, we shouldn't call it
self
-confidence. We ought to call it
God-
confidence.”

“Why would God have confidence in me? All I cared about was showing up Shad Shifferdecker.”

“I don't know who in the world Shad Shifferdecker is, but I do know we don't need to worry about how much confidence God has in
us
. I mean, we disappoint Him all the time. It's much more important to put all
our
confidence in
Him
.”

“I don't get it.”

“Okay, let me ask you this: Do you have confidence that God loves you? That He forgives you for the things you've done that are obviously driving you into a frenzy?”

“I don't know,” Lily said. She looked down at the comforter again, but Kathleen reached over and lifted her chin with the tips of her elegant fingers.