Getting by (A Knight's Tale) (22 page)

Closure; that’s what Jake had come to find, and I seemed to be working well for him. “Liam gave me a stupid scenario where you married and had children with Average Joe, and I wanted to pound him.” Jake lowered his gaze for one second and then looked back at me. “Because you are mine, but…family.” His saddened forest green eyes closed for a few seconds before looking at me again. The room went still, and I patiently waited for goodbye. “I can’t, baby. See, Em, you know me so well; we’re so perfect together. I hate when I’m wrong, but I thought we could fix this, and go back to us. Perhaps move in together in a place in Manhattan, another in London and juggle schedules.” I knew it, he’d leave me. “I can’t do this to you, Em. I’m a broken man, unable to offer what you need and want.” Then he smirked at me, and trying to lighten up the mood, he playfully asked, “So, no goodbye sex either, huh?”

I shook my head and hugged his waist. The bitter taste of “the end” made me want to cry. Intertwined, we clung to each other for one last time. The ambiguity of the moment dissolved me into tears. Many roads, destiny, serendipity and other forces brought us together, but in the end, we realized we weren’t a fit. The paths would never cross and continue down the same road. Jake and I spent the best night of our lives together; my fondest memory of our relationship. Those secrets we kept from each other were out, and if the moment wasn’t a goodbye, I would have thought our bond had solidified.

Dear Emma,

I’ll disappear for a couple of days. See you at the wedding, sweetheart. I’ll be the one agonizing because I can’t touch you. You’re my dream girl, baby, the one I’d have spent the rest of my life with, if things had been different for me. Call me if you need me, I’ll be there no matter what.

Love you,

Jay

Chapter 26

Jake

LIKE A CREEP, I observed Emma as she slept for most of the night. It was our last time together in bed. And I didn’t mean it in a sexual way, there wasn’t going to be another night of me holding her tight while we slept. Once the night table clock hit five in the morning, I kissed her and eased myself out of the bed, writing a goodbye note. I needed her to know that she was my dream girl.

She was the one who grabbed ahold of my heart and occupied my entire mind on a daily basis. Before I left the room, I approached her silently and whispered in her ear, “I love you, my pretty girl.”

“Walk away, cowboy,” she said. “You want to be the last man standing.”

Emma meant it when she blurted those words. One of us would end up hurt. We both did. Her eyes never lied, so I knew that indeed she loved me. I closed my eyes feeling like a complete asshole.

Closing the door of her room cautiously, so as not to wake her up, I headed to my room where I took a shower, dressed and arranged a bag before I drove to the airport. I bought a plane ticket that left for JFK at seven forty five in the morning. Staying around for the rest of the week would be torture for Emma and me—mainly Emma. My poor baby, she had lost so much in her life and I was the man she fell in love with. Children, wife…that was a road I’d never walk.

Needing to steady myself, without the hovering of my family, I hurried, but didn’t make it out on time.

“You fucked up?” Mitch stood outside his bedroom door. I didn’t hear him open the door. My lungs deflated when I heard him saying it. The guy made it real. I had lost the girl.

“I’ve got things to do,” I said, not wanting to discuss Emma with him—or Liam who had joined.

“What can be more important than family?” Mitch asked tightly, knowing he’d had to cover my departure with our meddler Mother.

“Chloe died eight months ago,” I told them, and they both closed their eyes and shook their heads.

We tried once to intervene, not for her but for Gavin. She didn’t give a damn and we took that as our queue, leaving her behind.

“The kid?” Mitch asked.

I nodded, because he clearly asked me if I was leaving because of him. “He’s with a man who is presumed to be the father.” I had to check, so I could give Max and Emma a chance to be a family, to be close to her nephew.

“You coming back for the wedding?” Liam asked me, while leaning against the wall. The hellish wedding was no longer important to me. My cousin could continue pretending life was perfect, once he walked down the aisle to a woman who cared more about his checking account than him.

“I’m not sure, Li.” They both frowned. “I’ll call on Friday and see how Em’s doing. The last thing I want to do is cause her more—”

“Pain?” Mitch suggested. I was done with the family shrinks, their interventions were getting old. No one would fix me.

“See you later,” I said. My mind was made up. I loved her, but not enough to take a leap and get into terrain I was afraid to step on and fall. Families were close to quicksand, and I had enough with one. I didn’t need to jump into another that I was supposed to lead.

*

The story in New York wasn’t what I had expected. The boy was Jeffrey’s, coming out of an affair with Chloe that lasted long enough to create a child. He liked inflicting pain, his wife didn’t like it and the other Anderson girl offered that on the menu. Among his sexual preferences was the lack of using condoms. That sounded sadly like Chloe, she’d do anything for drugs, or the money to acquire them. I remembered her desperation. She offered the limp boy a blow job that would take me to outer space for a thousand dollars. Or if I preferred, she could give me an entire session for fifteen hundred. As disgusted as she was with me, the cash would have made the self-inflicted moment forgettable by the time she sniffed it. I rejected her and got an ear full of nonsense. Not that she hurt my feelings calling me names, I didn’t care for her much.

After talking to the Nicholson couple, and giving a brief explanation of Emma and how her only living family was her grandparents and Max—no details exchanged though, they agreed to let her see him more often, if, and only if, she behaved friendly with their other two children. No “Aunt Emma”, only a friend of the family. Those were the conditions and she’d have to live with them.

The woman, Barb, impressed me. How could you let others be with the man who’s supposed to be the love of your life? This world made less sense to me on a daily basis. Though, I didn’t have room to judge, my life was as fucked as theirs. Loving a woman who I couldn’t share my life with didn’t spell normal either. I left after giving them my card and informing them I’d keep in touch.

From there I decided to head toward Connecticut, where Emma’s grandparents lived, and see if they needed anything. I might not be boyfriend, husband or father material, but I wanted to make sure she’d be alright. If only my brother would call me to tell me how the visit with the grandmother went, that’d take the edge off my mood.

Chapter 27

Emma

JAKE LEFT A written note on the hotel’s stationary. It made me shed a few tears. What an incredible guy. He was capable of loving with a selfless passion. Jake set me free to search for more. My parents’ marriage became a joke, between the day they said I do and when they died. Though, there was a gap where they loved each other and their children. Those memories made me believe I deserved more.

“You might want to socialize,” Jake joked at some point during the night. “Not too many guys dig the
‘I’m not interested’
glare. And you need a boyfriend before you go to step number two.”

With those thoughts, and the left over whiff of his lotion in my bedroom, I hurried and got ready to leave for my grandparents’ home. Dressed with a pair of black slacks and a dark green blouse, I believed I was ready to face them. I wore a pair of black flats and the tote bag was ready with anything and everything I would need. With one more look in the full size mirror held by the door, I opened it to leave. A full flashing smile appeared right in front of me.

“Good, you’re ready,” Mitch said. “You had a nice night?” I nodded, not wanting to rehash Jake’s goodbye. “Liar, he looked like shit too. You and I have to work on that boy, my friend.”
No,
I wanted to scream, but right when he put his arm over my shoulder and we both began to walk toward the elevator, the doors opened and Rachel appeared.

The warm smile on her lips made me want to hug her and cry about my night. Wow, the woman had her ways to get what she wanted, and I reacted. That was her plan, wasn’t it? “Save me from her,” I told Mitch. “I’m not sure if I can handle her today.”

“You won’t even notice what hit you,” he said, and laughed. “Jokes aside, I promise I won’t let her intrude. But….”

“She’s like your brother.” I growled after saying it.

“You noticed.” I nodded and smiled, while she watched us from the elevator, holding it for us. “But they mean well when they meddle. Don’t forget that.”

“Em, how are you?” She tilted her head sweetly after we boarded the elevator car. Then she opened her purse and began to search for something—an organizer? Taking out a silver tube, she handed the purse to Mitch and opened it, pressing it gently under my eyes. “This will get rid of those circles, perhaps you want to talk?” She shoved the tube inside her purse and put both hands on my face looking at it intensely. “I won’t insist, but know I’m here for you, sweet girl.”

That was too close for comfort,
I thought. The elevator opened its doors and we walked to the exit, where Ed already had the car running and waited for us to hop inside. Liam was nowhere to be found, which made me call Grandma and tell her the number of guests we would have. The woman I knew must have been abducted, because she said it was fine. Her voice was calm, but not warm. Who was she and what had happened to Lilian Anderson?

*

Ed drove us to our destination. Mitch opened both doors and asked me to text him when I needed them to pick us up. The place from the outside hadn’t changed much, a fresh coat of white paint and the pots outside the doors were the only new additions. After I rang the bell, Rachel buttoned my blouse up to the collar and adjusted my wavy locks before the maid open the door—such a mother. The polished wood floors remained impeccable, and the mirror in the foyer seemed different, but I didn’t stop to analyze it. The scent of a mixture of eggs and flower, made me guess breakfast had overpowered grandma’s usual rose fragrance. Grandpa’s office was the only one that had his musky scent. I remembered that back when I was little, it itched my nose when I kissed him hello. The maid walked us to the second story of the house, and a nurse came out of Grandma Lily’s room. A chill ran through my body.

Grandma’s leg, held by a sling hanging from the ceiling, made my heart drop to the main floor. She fell a couple of weeks ago, and broke her leg.
Not another one,
I thought. Teresa, the maid, pointed us toward the tea table Grandma had in her room, set with fruit, yogurt, cottage cheese and warm scrambled eggs. Rachel joked about my eating habits—fish, tofu, fruits, veggies and salads—and that I must have gotten them from her. Teresa agreed.

“Come closer, Emmy,” Grandma Lily said, with the smile I remembered that she usually had for me. “Look at you, all grown up and with a responsible look. Your grandfather would be proud of you. He promised to swing by around ten, so that we would have a little girl time. Tell me what kind of job you have. Do you love it?” She seemed genuinely interested in me and expected an answer, but stupidly, I was petrified. It had been so long since I had been around her that nice and warm wasn’t part of my dictionary when it came to her. “I hope it’s sculpting, though painting was a gift you perfected at the age of seven, if I remember correctly.”

And I began to cry, because she remembered me and seemed to like me and love me…and where was she; when my parents died, or Chloe or Grampy—I needed her back then. I needed them. A hand rubbed my back, some kind of support I guessed, from Rachel.

“It’s been hard for her,” Rachel said, and my grandma reached for a tissue from her nightstand and handed it to me. “But you know, you lost a child and that is one of the worst pains a woman can go through.” She sighed. “I almost lost my oldest in an accident and the middle when he was a baby. We can all understand you weren’t yourself during those days.” She patted my back. “Don’t mind me. I’m heading downstairs to make a phone call. I have to check on my child, whose head isn’t right at the moment. Em, you’ll be fine, we’re all here for you.”

“She’s right,” Grandma’s said, her face broke down mirroring mine, and following her lead I took a clean tissue and handed it to her. After blowing her nose and calming, the woman, who never lost her cool, tenderly continued what she had tried to say before. “Nick’s death, and Anna…I couldn’t think much. Your grandfather…” she stopped and sighed, “he knew what Nick did, what he was doing, and never called him on it. When they told us about the pictures and that you were next….”

Careful not to move much, I shifted to the other side from where her broken leg rested, and without waiting for an invitation, I sat on the big king size bed. The old mahogany frame held solidly through the years. I liked the solid green sheets and matching pillows and comforter. I guessed I got my matching obsessions from her. I grabbed her hand, because it seemed that she needed some support. Either that, or I needed it.

“You look like me, but have Anna’s nose and her full lips.” She smiled. “Also that free spirit soul that contrasted so much with your big heart. That one is your grandfather’s. I regretted not bringing you home after the funeral.”

It was a little late for those thoughts, but it felt like she needed to say it. So I let her tell me about her grief, and her husband’s shame. My grandfather had lost his son, daughter in-law, and his two girls barely made it out alive. He could’ve prevented it, but he let his son ruin his life and ours to teach him a lesson.