Get Smart 5 - Missed It By That Much! (13 page)

The anti-protest protester was back on his feet in an instant, though. “Karate chop me, will you, you would-be worker, you,” he snarled. “Take this!” And he dropped the protester with a karate chop.

Karate chops began flying in all directions, as the protesters attacked the anti-protest protesters and the anti-protest protesters attacked the protesters, both of whom were then attacked by the anti-anti-protest protesters.

“It’s a shame,” Max said, looking back, as he and 99 made their way toward the gate. “They were all so happy before, singing and dancing.”

“Well, it probably got to be too much like work, Max,” 99 said.

“Then what are they fighting about?”

“They wouldn’t be human if they didn’t fight, Max.”

“I suppose that explains it.”

They reached the gate. And as they passed through they heard the voice of the host in the background, shouting in violent rage.

“Okay! You asked for it! This is your last chance! Cut out the foolishness! Or, oh, baby
—such a lightning bolt!”

Hassan was waiting for them. “How’re things in Caliphphornia?” he asked.

“About the same,” Max replied. “Shall we go?”

M
AX TOOK
the lead and they pushed on into the jungle. But after they had been traveling for about a half-hour, he called them to a halt.

“What is it, Max?” 99 said.

“I think before we go any further, there’s something I ought to mention,” Max said. “I haven’t the vaguest idea where I’m leading us.”

“I know exactly where you’re taking us,” Hassan said. “After all, that’s my job. I’m the guide.”

“Good,” Max said. “Where are we headed?”

“In the wrong direction.”

“You could have said something, you know,” Max said.

“Not me. I know when to keep my mouth shut. What are you paying me for? To guide? Or to run off at the chops? To guide, that’s what you’re paying me for. If you’d wanted a blabbermouth, you’d’ve hired a blabbermouth—right? I know my duty. To guide, that’s what I’m here for. You won’t catch me boring you with a lot of jabber-jabber-jabber about which way to go. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: a guide should be seen, not heard. A guide should be out in front, leading the pack, showing the way. What good is a guide who lags behind, making snide remarks and causing dissension in the ranks? Why, a guide like that is a traitor to his craft. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

“Just one little question, Hassan,” Max said. “If you’re supposed to be out front, leading the pack, showing the way, why aren’t you?”

“Because the pack is going in the wrong direction,” Hassan replied. “That puts me in the rear. But if the pack would turn around, I’d be in the lead—right?”

“He’s right about that, Max,” 99 said.

“All right—about face!” Max commanded.

They all turned and faced in the opposite direction. The move placed Hassan in the lead. Once more, the party set out.

After a while, Max said, “Hassan, I don’t want to be a trouble-maker, but how do you know that, now, we’re going in the right direction?”

“Simple logic,” Hassan replied. “Before, we were going in the wrong direction—correct?”

“Yes.”

“And we did an about-face, turning us in the opposite direction—correct? And what is the opposite direction of the wrong direction?”

“The right direction.”

“Brilliant,” Hassan said. “You could be a guide yourself.”

“Max . . .” 99 said, sniffing the air, “. . . do you smell something?”

“Hassan,” Max said, “you better move back here to the rear.”

“No, Max,” 99 said. “This is . . . isn’t it . . . yes, it is, it’s the same odor we smelled when we were back in that cannibal village.”

They halted, and Max and Hassan turned their noses into the wind.

“99, you’re right!” Max said, making a face. “It’s the terrible odor! We’ve picked up Dr. Livingstrom’s trail again! Hassan—full speed ahead!”

“Do you want some advice?” Hassan said, hesitating.

“No, Hassan. A guide should be seen, not heard.”

“Maybe we better listen, Max,” 99 said.

“All right, Hassan. What’s the advice?”

“You better change that command to: full speed to the rear,” Hassan said. “Do you hear that rumble?”

Max and 99 listened, and heard a noise in the distance that sounded something like thunder.

“Hassan, is there, by any chance, a bowling alley anywhere near here?” Max said.

“The nearest bowling alley is in Provo, Utah,” Hassan replied. “That’s the animals you hear.”

“Hassan, I am willing to believe that animals can be taught to bowl. But I refuse to believe that they’re so fond of the game that they’d travel all the way to Provo, Utah, to—”

“Max, he means the animals are stampeding!” 99 said. “That’s the sound we hear! They’ve smelled the odor and they’re fleeing from it in panic!”

“Oh. That’s very interesting.” He turned to Hassan. “Do you think we’ll be able to see it?”

“I’m positive,” Hassan said. “All we’ll have to do is look up. We’re right in the animals’ path.”

“Let me get this straight,” Max said. “What you’re saying is that if we remain here we’ll be trampled by the stampeding animals—is that right?”

“It’s not right—I’m too flat to die—but it happens to be the way the ball is bouncing right at this moment,” Hassan replied.

“Max! That sound is getting closer,” 99 said fearfully.

“I know, 99. I’m not deaf. I’m also aware of the fact that we’re in great danger. And, I
think
that the longer we stay here the greater the danger becomes. But I don’t want to make a decision without first hearing what Hassan has to say on the matter. Remember what happened the last time? When I plunged ahead without getting his advice? I led us in the wrong direction.”

“Max!” 99 shouted, “I can’t hear you over the sound of the thundering hoofs!”

“What I’m saying, 99!” Max shouted back, “is that I don’t want to make a mistake! If it were entirely up to me, I’d say that we ought to run! But, Hassan—”

“Max,” 99 screamed. “Hassan isn’t here!”

“Isn’t here? Oh, yes . . . I see. There he is, running through the jungle! Well, 99, that gives me a pretty good idea what his advice would be. So—”

“Max! Run!”

Max and 99 plunged into the jungle, following Hassan, fleeing the sound of the stampeding animals.

“Max, we’ll never find a place to hide,” 99 said. “The animals are everywhere!”

“99, in a case like this, you have to depend on the quick thinking of your guide. That’s what guides are best at, protecting you in instances of dire emergency.” He called to Hassan. “Do you have a place in mind for us to hide!”

“The perfect spot!” Hassan yelled back. “A bowling alley in Provo, Utah. It’s never had an animal stampede!”

“That’s quick thinking, all right,” Max said. “But isn’t Provo, Utah, a bit far from here?”

“You’re trying to lead again,” Hassan said admonishingly.

“Sorry about that.”

“Max . . . up ahead . . . look!” 99 said. “There’s Paradise again. Maybe we can hide in there!”

“99, that’s only an illusion.”

“I know, Max. But it’s closer than Provo, Utah. So couldn’t we take advantage of it, anyway?”

“I’ll ask Hassan,” Max replied. “Hassan—” he called.

“Don’t bother me with questions!” Hassan yelled. “Quick—into the illusion. It’s a short-cut to Provo, Utah.”

The three dashed through the gate. Ahead, they could hear the sounds of battle; the protesters, the anti-protesters and the anti-anti-protesters apparently were still fighting. A moment later they reached the scene of the fray.

The host was shaking both fists at the inhabitants, who were busily engaged in dropping each other with karate chops.

“Okay, this is it!” the host raged. “I’ve been kidding before, but this is really it! I’m warning you! Stop the foolishness! Do you hear me? You’re really going to get it! Honest Injun! You really are! Such a lightning bolt! You’re really going to get it!”

Max, 99 and Hassan tried to push their way through the battling inhabitants. But they were mistaken for protesters and dropped with karate chops.

“Max, the stampede is getting closer!” 99 wailed. “We’ll be trampled!”

At that moment, however, one of the anti-protesters got a whiff of the terrible odor. “It’s the lightning bolt!” he shrieked.

Instantly, the rest of the anti-protesters, joined by the protesters and anti-anti-protesters hiked up their flowing white robes and fled the terrible odor.

“I warned them,” the host said.

“Uh, I don’t like to prick your bubble,” Max said. “But that wasn’t a lightning bolt.”

“Oh?” the host said, crestfallen.

“No, that’s a terrible odor, accompanied by the sound of stampeding animals,” Max said.

“Then what’s a lightning bolt?” the host asked.

“A great flash of light that destroys everything in its path,” Max replied.

The host looked around. “Well, they’re gone,” he said.

“But there was no great, flash of light,” Max pointed out.

“So? So it was a different kind of lightning bolt. It did the job, that’s what’s important.”

99 tugged at Max’s sleeve. “Max, please, let’s go!”

“You better come with us,” Max said to the host. “In a few moments this place is going to be trampled underfoot by a stampede of thousands of fear-crazed jungle animals.”

“Let ’em come,” the host replied cockily. “I’ll hit ’em with a lightning bolt.” He lowered his voice. “Frankly, I’d never used it before. But, now that I’ve got the hang of it, I’m invincible.”

“Max . . . let’s go!”

“99, I think we have a duty to convince our host that he is not invincible,” Max said.

“Max, in a few minutes, when those animals come stampeding through here, he’s going to find that out.”

“You have a point there, 99. Experience is the best teacher.”

“Max . . .”

“Let’s go, 99!”

Max, 99 and Hassan raced on. Soon they reached the wall that enclosed the illusion.

“Max! We’re trapped!” 99 cried.

“Hardly, 99. Remember—that wall is an illusion. We only imagine that it’s there.”

“You mean we can crash right through it?”

“No, what I mean is that if we can imagine that there’s a wall there, then we can just as easily imagine that there’s a ladder leaning against it.”

“Max, you’re right! Look! A ladder!”

“Up and over!” Max said, mounting the ladder.

Max, 99 and Hassan cleared the wall, then went dashing on into the jungle, followed by the terrible odor and the sound of stampeding animals.

“Max . . . wasn’t that a little strange,” 99 said. “Until you mentioned it, there was no ladder there. Then suddenly it appeared. Whitestone must be somewhere nearby.”

“99, that’s ridiculous. That ladder helped us escape. Why would Whitestone do that for us?”

“I don’t know, Max. Unless—”

99 was interrupted by a ringing sound.

“Will somebody get the door,” Max said.

“I think it was your shoe,” Hassan said.

“Oh . . . yes . . .”

Hopping on one foot, Max removed his shoe.

Max:
86, here. Is that you, Chief?

Chief:
Are you all right, Max? You sound a little out of breath.

Max:
That’s because I’m out of breath, Chief. You see, we’re being pursued by a stampede of fear-stricken jungle animals.

Operator:
You wouldn’t catch Arnold in a position like that.

Max:
Oh, is that so? What would Arnold do?

Operator:
He’d hit ’em with a lightning bolt.

Chief:
Max, in case you don’t escape that stampede, maybe you better tell me what information you’ve gathered on Dr. Livingstrom—so I can pass it on to the agent who takes over the case.

Operator:
Yes, Arnold will appreciate that, Max.

Max (hurt):
Chief . . . Operator . . . I’m surprised. Don’t I always manage to extricate myself from these impossible situations? Have a little faith. Believe in me.

Chief:
I’m sorry, Max. Of course, I believe in you.

Operator:
I’m sorry, too, Max. You’ll pull through—I’m sure you will. But, Max, when those stampeding animals catch up with you and you fall, will you fall on your shoe phone, please? I wouldn’t want it to be damaged. Arnold will need it when he takes over for you.

Chief:
Operator, I think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself. Arnold still hasn’t filled out an application.

Max:
Some secret agent candidate. He can’t even find the Chief’s office.

Operator:
It must be hiding.

Chief:
Operator, my office is right where it’s always been.

Operator:
That explains it. Arnold was probably expecting a trick. He knows how tricky secret agents are. Hide your office, Chief, so Arnold will be able to find it.

Chief:
I will not!

Operator:
You won’t even give Arnold a chance! Shame on you! Both of you!

Chief:
I’m sorry, Operator. Maybe you’re right. I’ll move my office down the hall a few doors, if you think that’ll help.

Operator:
That’s the spirit! And, Max, what about you? Will you get trampled by an elephant now?

Max
(listening with one ear to the sound of the stampeding animals):
I may not have much choice, Operator. There’s bound to be an elephant somewhere in that stampede.

Operator:
Wonderful! Let’s ring off now. We all have work to do. Chief—get that office hidden. Max—fall down in front of an elephant. And, Max, remember—when you fall, fall on Arnold’s shoe phone! But gently!

Max hung up.

“Max, this scenery looks familiar,” 99 said. “Haven’t we been through here before?”

“I don’t know,” Max replied. “How about it, Hassan? Have we been this way before?”

“It depends,” Hassan replied. “Have you ever taken the short-cut to Provo, Utah, before?”

“Max!” 99 said. “I know where we are! We’re—”

Before 99 could complete the statement, she and Max and Hassan found themselves suddenly surrounded by the revolutionaries they had left behind hours earlier. They recognized the follower who had taken notes at their trial. Apparently he was the new leader.