Gathering Clouds (6 page)

It rang and rang because of the hour, but as I expected, my mother picked up.
Daddy might not even be home tonight
, I thought. As it turned out, I was right about that. He was on one of his famous business trips.

“Mom,” I said. It was rare I called her that. I almost always addressed her as Mother.

She heard the panic in my voice.

“Megan? What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Mom, I’m pregnant,” I just blurted.

She was silent, but only for a second or two.

“How long?” she asked without questioning whether I was positive or not.

“I’m well into my fourth month, but I won’t have an abortion. I won’t.”

“Do you realize what you’re saying?”

“Yes. I can’t do it because . . .”

“Because why, Megan?

“Because the man I love, the man whose baby I’m carrying doesn’t know I’m pregnant and must not know.”

“Are you crazy? Have you gone completely crazy?”

“I’m sorry,” was I all could say.

“Who does know?”

“No one besides you and me.”

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know. Some small place near the college at a convenience store on a pay phone.”

“You can’t keep it a secret much longer. How can you think you can remain there and be pregnant, Megan?”

I sucked in my breath.

“I don’t,” I said.

“You’re damn right you don’t.”

I could almost hear her mind churning away, working out the details and the solutions.

“Go back to the dorm. Go to sleep. When you wake up, start packing your things. I’ll call you and tell you where to go.”

“I’m not going to have an abortion,” I repeated.

“Who is this young man? How long have you been seeing him? Don’t tell me this comes from a one-night stand?”

“No, I’ve been seeing him almost the whole time I’ve been here.”

“Well, why haven’t I known about it? What is he, a garage mechanic or something similar?”

“No, he’s an honor student, a poet, a published poet and he’s won scholarships and . . .”

“He sounds too good for you, Megan. What aren’t you telling me?”

“He’s black,” I said.

She didn’t scream or yell or curse, not my mother. I could see her shoulders rise, her body stiffen with her resolve. Unlike other mothers, she didn’t immediately begin to lecture me about being ungrateful, about bringing disgrace on the family, nothing.

“I’ll call you in the morning,” she said. “And tell you where to go and what to do.”

“Is Daddy there?”

“Fortunately for him, he’s not and will have another day before he hears the news. He’s always been lucky that way,” she added. “Return to your dormitory, Megan, and do what I told you to do.”

I wanted to say something else, find some words of apology that would sound sincere, but I couldn’t. Despite it all, I wasn’t as sorry as I sounded or thought I should be.

“Okay,” I said and hung up.

I didn’t return to the dormitory. Instead, I drove to where Larry lived.

I didn’t get out of the car, however. I just sat there looking at the house and thinking about him inside, sleeping, feeling wonderful, maybe even finding time to think of me and what might be a wonderful future.

“Good-bye, my love,” I whispered.

Then I drove off and never saw him again.

Lynette left for class before I did as usual. I told her I would meet her later and review some notes for the history exam. She didn’t ask me why I had stayed out so late. I saw she thought I had been with Larry and I let her think it. I almost gave it all away when she said so long. She paused in the doorway and looked at me hard.

“Is something wrong, Megan?” she asked.

“No. I’m just tired,” I said. “Go on. Don’t worry,” I said.

“Okay. See you later,” she said and left.

I started to pack. Mother called about a half hour later and gave me instructions for going to a friend of hers who lived outside of Richmond on a large estate, even bigger than ours. I was given a guesthouse where I remained until my baby was born.

Mother covered for me at the college. She had influence with the administration, of course.

I learned that when Lynette called to find out about me, Mother basically implied that she and my father had found out about me and Larry and had pulled me out of the school and sent me to Europe. Everyone back home was told I went to Europe but not given the reason. Even my sister was told that and immediately complained that I was being given a reward for not doing well in college.

I was sure Larry had made some attempts to find out about me. Mother would only say that a young man with a nice speaking voice had called and she had politely told him I had decided to go to Europe with some friends and would be gone for four or five months, well into the time Larry would be off to England. Whether he believed her or not, I never knew. He sent one postcard from London before Christmas, but I never responded, and just like that, he drifted into a memory. In the end it was almost as if I had dreamed all of it. Mother was that good at patching up my life.

I gave birth to a little girl at the guesthouse. Mother was there with the doctor and the nurse. Daddy either couldn’t get himself to come or really had something more important to do. I knew he would rather pretend it wasn’t happening and Mother told me to let him pretend.

Of course, the big question was what to do with my baby. She was beautiful. I hated the thought of turning her over to an orphanage.

“Arrangements have already been made with a family living in Washington, D.C.,” Mother informed me.

“What kind of family? Will she be in a good place? Will we take care of her financially?”

I had more questions, but Mother stopped me sharply.

“You should have thought about all that before you made your decision to have the child, Megan. This isn’t a game, some silly recreation. It’s long past the time you should have grown up.”

I choked back my tears and watched the nurse carefully bundle up my baby to take her to this family Mother had surely paid well to play a role in the grand coverup. I hated her and loved her for it.

“You once told me we own precious little of ourselves. I know now how right you were,” I said, unable to keep out my bitterness. Mother didn’t blink.

“That’s good. You should feel some pain and sorrow, Megan. It will help harden you and prepare you for the disappointments and failures waiting out there, for like everyone you’ll have them.”

I couldn’t disagree, especially after what I had done and the choices I had made. What’s more, I decided I would listen to her more seriously from then on. She found a new college for me to attend and it was there that I would meet my husband to be. I was like a small sailboat that had decided to turn itself into the prevailing wind and go wherever it would take me. Mother was the wind. She would always be that.

There were to be many times when I would see a handsome young black man and think it was Larry. My heart would race until I realized it wasn’t he.

And there would be many, many times, years later, when I would be in Washington, D.C. and I would see a particularly beautiful teenage black girl and wonder, could she be my daughter?

Something inside me promised me that someday, somewhere, I would look into her eyes and I would see myself and Larry and I would feel complete.

I would know she was something beautiful born of love.