Galveston (46 page)

“I'm certain it must be some sort of misunderstanding, dear. I'd hoped to spare you this … put it off as long as possible. Serena, you know I adore you, feel you're one of the most talented students I've ever had. If I could afford to teach you free of charge, believe me I would—”

I rose from the chair. “Of course not. I'll go to his office right now. I'm so sorry, I—”

“Now, now, don't worry. Just let me know. Nothing more need be said about it. I'm only sorry I had to come to you with this.…”

“Please, madame, don't apologize. Let me get it straightened out. You're right, probably some mistake. I'll let you know.”

I ran all the way from the studio to Dad's office at the church, too incredulous to think straight. He was seated inside, reading the morning mail. “Why, Nan, what a pleasant surprise. Come to ask your old Dad to lunch?”

“No,” I said, panting. “Dad … I've just spoken with Madame D'Arcy. She says you haven't paid her since April. Can … can this be true?”

“Oh.” The color drained from his face. He cleared his throat. “I'm afraid so. You see, we've been in a bit of difficulty lately over finances.… I've been intending to get a payment over to her. Perhaps I could scrape something together today.”

“Why didn't you tell me before this happened? I was mortified. I had no idea you were in trouble financially. What has happened?”

“Nothing at all, dear. It's just that, well, I did have a kind of reserve fund for a while, for things such as your dancing, you know. But it has … well, dwindled, over the past year or so.

“I'm afraid we're going to have to cut some of the extras we've enjoyed, that's all. Nothing we can't resolve in time. I've been trying to figure a way of telling you, but I know dancing means such a lot to you.

“I had an idea the other day, though,” he said, brightening. “Perhaps you might take up lawn tennis. A fellow in our parish—Ned Stevenson, do you know Ned?—is building a new court not far from here, as an experiment. But he believes the game will catch on here soon.…”

“But, Dad …”

“Or, if you don't like that, you might be able to go to the YWCA. They've a fine gymnasium there, and you could get your exercise. I think we might be able to afford it, after I've paid off Madame. It's nowhere near as expensive as the dancing lessons. I'll go and see her today, and set up some sort of program.”

As I listened to him I realized the mistake I'd made by never bothering to find out how we were able to afford the dancing lessons. I should have pressed him on the matter, rather than shuffling it to the back of my mind all these years. He made little as a parson, had not had an increase in wages for years, and there was Mrs. McCambridge to pay and the grocery bill, and medicines and lotions for Mother.

“Is anything else behind?”

“Not a thing, I assure you. The bill at Moore Brothers Grocery got out of hand for a while, but Fred Lindsay was very kind about it, and I've got it under control now.”

I sat still, staring at him, wondering whether he was even now evading the truth.

“Serena, you've no idea how badly I feel about this. I wouldn't have embarrassed you in front of your teacher for anything in the world. I kept intending to send a note telling her a payment would be forthcoming, and I was going to try and get one over to her next week.”

“I can never face her again.”

“Yes, of course, and you needn't. Please forgive me, darling. I'll try and make it up to you.”

“There is no way you ever could. I'll see you later at home.”

There was no question then, after our discussion, that I would have to persuade Roman to take me with him. And if he refused, I would at least not be floundering any longer. I could begin making some other plan to extricate myself from the crumbling ashes life had become. I could no longer be content to hope for the best, hoping Roman would say the right thing, hoping he would care for me in the way I cared for him. There was no choice now except to find out once and for all, and I went to him from Dad's office with a determination greater than any I'd ever had.

He was in a pesky mood, standing just at the edge of the surf behind the Pavilion, arms akimbo, looking out to sea. I walked up beside him silently. There are times one is better off not approaching Roman Cruz too abruptly.

“Oh, hullo,” he said, more quickly than I'd expected.

“It's only me.”

“Only you,” he repeated softly, and kept looking out to sea. I felt instinctively this day of all days was ill timed for what I needed to say, yet at this hour of the game, one day might make a world of difference in planning. There was but a week before Roman's train pulled out of Galveston and headed for New York.

“Well, fair maid, how does this day find you? Shall we go for a swim now?”

“Not now, and how I feel depends on you.”

“Oh? Then I'm afraid you're leaning against the wrong post. We got the final word this morning. No contract. Something about the price we demanded. Galveston is out next summer. But I've a strong feeling King didn't negotiate too hard. Every year he shows a little less interest in the band. I think he'd rather keep all the engagements near New York; he's always complaining about the long-distance traveling …”

I was filled with hope. “Does it disappoint you?”

“Damn right.”

“Why?”

“Why the hell do you think?”

I stood still. Everything had changed. If he knew there was no coming back, my chances might be better than ever. I took a deep breath and began. “Roman, I've got to talk to you. It's important.”

“All right. Want to go upstairs?”

“No. Things have a way of … happening … upstairs.”

He laughed. “All right. Let's have it then. You've found someone else, is that it? Going to marry that organist and settle down like a sensible girl?”

“Stop teasing, Roman. This is serious,” I said, and looked down at the foamy water swirling around my feet, unsure what to say next. “One thing is … I think we've been found out.”

“By whom?”

“Claire Becker.”

“The old girl who gave the dinner party? She did strike me as a busybody. How?”

“God only knows. She's a devious soul, and I'm sure she has ways. Not James, though. I'd almost trust that boy with my life …”

“Careful not to ever trust anyone too far, Serena. You know, a person can only be trusted as long as it doesn't hurt his interests to act on your behalf. Remember, people have divided loyalties. No one can be trusted completely.”

“Yes, I seem to be finding that out this summer.… Anyway, I was all ready to come and tell you about it, to see if we couldn't figure out something to do before she spills everything to Dad, then before another day passed something else happened. My dancing lessons are at an end. My father owes Madame quite a lot of money. She told me this morning.”

For the first time I think I had reached him. He looked down at me for a moment, then pulled me close to him. “Poor, poor Serena. Everything seems to fall apart at once, doesn't it, baby?”

I don't know what had held back the tears before, but the showing of tenderness, the unexpected gentleness in his voice, dissolved all courage and determination to be brave, and I cried as I have not cried since the day I finally realized my mother was never going to be well again, when I was eight years old.

Roman ordinarily detests tears, but that day he let me alone as I wept. I kept trying to apologize, catching my breath in gulps, yet I couldn't quit crying and he held me and stroked my hair.

“It's my fault,” he said. We'd walked away from the surf and sat down together on the stage door steps. I wasn't crying hard anymore, only shivering a little as the tears waned and dried upon my face. “I should've never intruded on your life. You'd have been so much better off, had I stayed away.”

“No, no, you've brought me all the happiness I've ever known.”

“The worst of it is, I knew from the beginning better than to fool with you. Knew it the first time I walked to that fence and saw you there on the pier with your dog and your little friend. You were not the sort for me, and I should have stayed away. You know what? I came very near doing that.”

“But you didn't. You must have cared a little, even then.”

“No. I won't lie to you, Serena, especially now. You were but a new distraction from the dullness of the summer, just like all the others. I didn't care for you except that I thought you damned attractive, and I found your confounded innocence new and refreshing.”

“But surely that isn't all it's been this summer?”

“No, only until the first time I brought you up there,” he said, glancing toward the tower window. “I felt awful after it was over. I've never been the first for any girl in my life. I thought that day if you never came back it would be the best thing all around. I'm destructive, you see. Look what's happened to your life since I moved in.” He picked up a stick and traced a path through the sand, then broke the stick in half.

“No, don't say that. You know how I feel.”

“But you did come back, and I was as hooked on you as a schoolboy on his first grade schoolmarm. Damn, I didn't have the guts to call it off because I couldn't get enough of you.”

“I'm so glad you didn't …”

“Look, there's no use making things any more painful than they are now. Let's just end it. We'd have to anyway, because our time's run out. Let's not hold each other with commitments to meet again next time I'm in Galveston … if ever I am again.”

I must have looked as stunned as I felt, because he turned away and continued, “Take a good piece of advice. Go back to your organist friend, marry him, have his children. You'll have a better life than if you cling to me. Believe me, it's best.”

“I could never marry Nick Weaver after having known you. The idea sickens me.”

“But you know nothing of me, you little fool. Do you realize that? I'm one of those people nice fathers don't let their daughters have anything to do with. Do you know why I came when your neighbor invited me to dinner? Because it was a novelty, being invited up into a respectable neighborhood in Galveston.

“I've done things you wouldn't believe, dearie, and you wouldn't want to know what they are. My background is what people call ‘questionable,' as you once so aptly put it. I told you I haven't always been with a traveling band.

“Just tell me something. Haven't you thought all along that Professor King's band was just the ultimate? Being its star was the zenith in the music world? Well, it isn't. It's an opportunity for someone who has nowhere else to go but down. It's for losers, Serena, for losers.”

“No, I won't let you say that. I don't care what you've done in the past. All I care about is what has happened this summer. You can't go around all your life paying for what you did in the past, denying yourself any chance of happiness because you feel you don't deserve it. When I met you, I decided I was due some happiness, after having been tied down to a sick mother and a dull, dull existence all my life.

“You made me see there was a chance for something better. You made me aspire so much more toward being a dancer. You made me believe in myself. How can you turn around now and downgrade yourself? I know you haven't been any angel, what man has? And how many would be so honest about admitting it?”

“By God,” he said with a half-smile, “I had no idea how much you were influenced by the likes of me.”

“I didn't either until now, when you got me stirred up.”

“You know, you're twice as fetching when you get stirred up. You ought to get that way more often.”

“No, I'm trying to be serious, to figure out what to do. I need you to take things in hand.”

“What you're really saying is you want to go away with me.”

“I guess that's what I'm saying.”

“Well, I'm sorry, doll, that's out. There isn't any way for that to work. It would be disaster from the beginning, and you'd wind up being more unhappy than you ever thought possible.”

“No, I wouldn't. I could travel with you, help you, oh, Roman, I'd do anything for you. I love you so much … I never knew I could love someone as I love you …”

I'd said too much, put him off. He looked down at the steps in silence for what seemed an eternity, and I awaited his decision as a helpless criminal awaits a jury verdict.

“No,” he said finally. “No. Go now. Go away. Don't ever come back.”

“Roman?”

“You heard me. Go. It's no good. Go on, now. I don't want to see you again.”

“Roman?” I said again, backing down the beach. His mouth was set and he stared straight into my eyes. Finally I could bear the look no longer and turned away.

I stepped unevenly down the beach. As though nothing had happened, the gulls kept on winging back and forth above, the edge of the waves flirted with my feet as I passed. I shaded my eyes from the glare of the sun with one hand, and tried to think only as far as the next step. It could not be over, yet it was, because his look was unequivocal, branded on my mind. I would go back home and try to act out the rest of the day. Later, I would call upon a reserve of strength that must be waiting somewhere within me, to help me through the week, the month, the rest of my life. If I were pregnant, as I now feared more each day, I would be forced to commit murder on the child growing inside me, for there was no way to get away, no way …

There was a point, not more than a hundred yards or so from the Pavilion, when the thought struck me it would be so easy to turn to the right and continue walking toward the water, and to let the Gulf take me for its own. Hadn't James said I was a child of the sea? Aphrodite would eventually return to her birthplace, would she not? One could so easily walk into the surf as though for a swim, yet then to wade a little further, a little further …