From Glowing Embers (21 page)

Gray faced her, one hip against the railing. He had little energy for reassurances, but he tried anyway. “I’m not a free man, but when I am, you and I are going to talk about marriage.”

“To scare away your ghosts?”

“What do you mean?”

“Being married to me will be so easy. I could never hurt you the way she did.”

He frowned. “I know you won’t hurt me.”

“But you don’t know why.”

“Paige, what are you talking about?” He heard his own impatience and, worse, his ambivalence. He tried to modify it. “I don
^’
t understand what you’re getting at.”

“It’s really quite simple. I think you have to love someone very, very much for them to hurt you as badly as Julianna did.”

“I love you.”

“You care for me. I think it’s different.”

Gray had no desire to explain his feelings. He was irritated with Paige for wringing him dry, even though he knew that was unfair. Before he could summon up the words to reassure her, she went on.

“I’m not trying to drag anything out of you, Granger. I’m just saying something that needs to be said. We’re good friends, best friends, and we have been for some time. If we marry, we’ll have a comfortable marriage because it will be built on friendship.” She held up her hand as he started to interrupt. “But it can only work if both of us realize the truth.”

“And what’s that?”

“That by marrying each other, we’re sacrificing the possibility of more.”

“Stop talking in riddles.” Gray stroked the satin sleeve of her robe, drawing his fingers down to her hand.

“If you marry me, you will never have what you had with Julianna, not ever. What we’ll have will be good, but different. Very different.”

He raised his eyes from her hand to her face. There was no expression there; as usual, her eyes gave nothing away. He resented it. “And by the same token, if you marry me, you have no chance for real passion? I’ll warm your bed but not your heart?”

“You’ll warm both, and quite well. But you won’t set fire to either, because that particular spark has never existed between us.”

“I haven’t heard any complaints before now.”

“Before now, I thought what I could offer you would be enough.”

He dropped her hand, leaning back against the railing with both arms spread along its length. His words belied his casual posture. “What changed your mind?”

“I saw you kiss Julianna.”

He was instantly ashamed. “It’s not what it looked like. We finally talked about Ellie’s death. We were comforting each other.”

“You don’t need to explain.”

“You don’t make any demands, do you? You never raise your voice. You rarely even raise an eyebrow. Do you care that I was kissing another woman?”

For just a moment something new was visible in her eyes, but she covered it so quickly he wasn’t sure it had even been there. “If I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t talk about marrying you. But I don’t care enough to stand in your way if there’s something else... or someone else you want more than me.”

“Have I ever gotten past your defenses?” He straightened, clamping a hand on her arm. “Or did you say you’d marry me because you know I never will?”

She covered his hand with hers. “You’re hurting me.”

“I doubt that’s possible.” Gray’s arm dropped to his side.

“I love you,” Paige said, after they’d stared at each other for a long moment. “I love you too much to make you unhappy, and I love myself too much to live in another woman’s shadow. I don’t even want to discuss marriage, Granger, not unless I’m sure you’re over Julianna. And I’m a long way from believing that.”

He had come to Hawaii to put his past behind him. He had suffered Julianna’s anger and his own self-hatred. He had held her in his arms and comforted her as he had longed to do for a decade. But he hadn’t allowed himself to think of a future together. The feelings between them were too delicate, too fragile, to even admit to. And now Paige was clearing the way for them to grow.

“This is stressful for everyone,” he answered, measuring his words. “The storm, my reunion with Julianna, but don’t read things into what you saw that aren’t there.”

“I see what I see.”

“Maybe you see what you
want
to see. Maybe you don’t want to marry me after all.”

She smiled, but her eyes didn’t reflect any humor. “We both wanted peace, friendship. I don’t want that any less, but perhaps we both ought to expect more.”

“And find nothing?”

She rose on tiptoe and kissed him, smoothing his hair back from his forehead as she did. “Perhaps, Granger. Or perhaps we each need to find it all. With somebody else.”

Julianna washed away all traces of her tears. There was little else she could wash away, not the feel of Gray’s arms around her, not the sight of his face when he’d bent to kiss her, not the knowledge that for ten years she had believed so many things that weren’t true.

She was so raw emotionally that even the shower pulsing over her naked body was an assault. Then, little by little, as the warmth of the water soothed her, she began to recover her equilibrium.

It would take a long time to absorb everything that had occurred in the last hour, but Julianna knew she would absorb it. She needed to change. She had lived with bitterness, with trust so shattered it had almost shattered her. Right now she couldn’t bear to examine the woman she’d become, but even without a full examination, she knew she wanted to find some part of the girl she’d once been.

She would never be Julie Ann again, but there were things Julie Ann had known that Julianna had forgotten.

The feel of Gray’s arms around her was one of them.

She stepped out of the shower and dried herself, rubbing harder than she needed to. She and Gray had shared a memory so haunting it had brought forth their deepest emotions. That couldn’t happen again. They understood each other now, and they had shared the beginnings of peace. But ten years stood between them. Ten years and thousands of miles. Ten years and an impending divorce.

On the way to the bedroom she reminded herself that she had been given more this morning than she had ever expected to receive. She couldn’t ask for anything else. She had learned life’s bitterest lesson well.

When you asked for anything from the Fates, they made sure that if they granted your wish, it almost destroyed you.

When she reached the bedroom door, she saw that her roommate was already up. She watched the little girl’s brown hair bounce from side to side as she craned her neck to stare out the unprotected corner of one window.

Julianna closed the door behind her, and Jody turned at the sound. “Good morning,” Julianna said, trying hard to sound normal. “I checked on you a little while ago, but you were so sound asleep I thought we’d have to shake you by your toes to wake you up.’’

Jody giggled. “Is the hurricane over?”

Julianna wished she could say everything was going to be fine, but the child was too perceptive to believe it. “No one’s sure what’s going to happen, but at least the wind’s not blowing so hard, and the rain’s stopped for a while.”

“Maybe my mommy can come get me.”

Julianna doubted that planes were going to be flying yet, not until the hurricane was no longer a threat, but she knew Jody wouldn’t rest until she found out for sure. “Let’s see if the phones are working. If they are, we can call the airport and see what’s happening.”

Using the extension in the bedroom, they were able to get through, but, as Julianna had suspected, no flights were expected until Eve made up her mind.

“Cheer up, honey,” Julianna told the little girl, who looked as if she was going to break into tears. She pushed Jody’s bangs out of her eyes. “You’re safe. Your mommy’s safe. And as soon as Eve goes away for good, your mommy can come and get you. Maybe even as soon as tomorrow.”

“Are you gonna leave today?”

Julianna had been considering what to do. With the phones working, she could probably find at least one friend who would take her in. But now as she gazed into Jody’s brown eyes, she realized she couldn’t desert the little girl. Jody needed her to stay. Julianna wondered when anyone had needed her quite this way.

She held out her arms and pulled Jody close for a quick hug. “I’m going to stay right here until your mommy comes.” She forced herself to ignore how awkward that was going to be.

“Can I braid your hair?”

Julianna put her troubling thoughts aside. “You braid mine, I’ll braid yours.”

Later, with Jody’s hair in a precise French braid and Julianna’s in braided pigtails that were already slipping free of their rubber bands, they walked through the silent house to the kitchen to make breakfast.

Julianna knew she was going to have to face Gray, but she was relieved she was going to have some more time to recover first. Since she didn’t see Paige, either, she imagined they were together, a thought she didn’t want to examine closely.

“Cereal? Toast?” she asked Jody.

“Pancakes,” the little girl said. “I know how to make them. Do you want to help?”

Julianna tried not to smile. “Let me see if we have everything we need.” She searched and found that in addition to the groceries Paige had bought, the cupboards were filled with staples. “Looks like you’re on.”

“If I help, do I get to sample some?” asked a masculine voice.

Julianna looked around to see Gray standing in the doorway. Any awkwardness she had expected to feel disappeared. His expression was visible proof that their confrontation had taken as much out of him as it had out of her.

“How much help will you be?” she asked, looking away. “Do you cook?”

“You’ve forgotten the breakfasts I used to make?”

She had forgotten almost nothing. Despite the years that had passed she could probably name menus and dates. Everything about Gray was vividly imprinted in her mind. She wondered if that would change now that they had relived the past together.

Julianna realized Gray was waiting for an answer. “I remember you could fry a mean strip of bacon. Why don’t you start on that?”

“Is there coffee?”

“Strong and black. Right?”

“Some things don’t change.”

She looked up, surprised by his poignant tone. “More does than doesn’t. Take this coffee, for instance. I’ll bet it’s Kona coffee, grown on the big island. Not what you’re used to at all.”

Gray got the bacon out of the refrigerator and set it on the counter. “And the bacon?”

“Hawaii has no shortage of pork.”

“But I’ll still drink the coffee black and fry the bacon until it’s crisp. Some things don’t change.”

She smiled at his persistence. “You didn’t, obviously. You’re still as stubborn as you used to be. I’ll bet you’re dynamite in a courtroom.” She set a bowl in front of Jody and instructed her to break two eggs into it.

Gray watched Julianna work with the little girl. She knew just how to put Jody at ease. “I’m not a lawyer,” he told her while Jody was busy cracking eggshells.

“You’re kidding.”

“I never had any desire to practice law until...” His voice trailed off, and he glanced at Jody.

She knew what his next words would have been.
Until I had to marry and begin saving money to support a baby.
“Until your life changed,” she finished out loud for him.

He nodded. “Then law seemed like the best solution. My future was a sure thing that way.”

She had never realized what he’d been willing to sacrifice for her. “So what
do
you do?”

“I’m an architect. I specialize in the restoration of historic buildings. It’s not the most lucrative field, but I like what I do.”

She couldn’t help her next question. “What did your father say when he found out?”

“I wasn’t there, so I don’t know.”

She was puzzled, but after he paused to put the bacon in the skillet, he explained. “I left Granger Junction right after you did. After a few years I put myself through graduate school, but I didn’t see my father again until right before he died.”

“What’s next?” Jody asked, banging a spoon against the side of her bowl. Despite her faith in her own abilities, it was obvious Jody had no idea what to do.

Julianna was glad to have a moment to think about what Gray had told her. She showed the little girl how to add the milk and sugar and beat the mixture while she thought about the fact that Gray had been estranged from his father because of the things that had happened.

“Is your mother still alive?” she asked Gray when Jody was busy again.

“She works full-time at the Junction hospital raising money. Right now they’re trying to build a new pediatric wing.”

“She enjoys working?”

“This project is near to her heart.” Gray looked up and held Julianna’s gaze. “She sold the beach house and all the land around Granger Inlet several years ago and donated the money to the hospital. The wing will be named for Ellie.”

Julianna didn’t look away. She tried to imagine condominiums clustered along the beach at the inlet. She tried to imagine her daughter’s name gracing a hospital wing. “Will you tell her I said thank you?” she asked at last.

“She’ll be very glad to hear it.”

She nodded, looking down at her hands. “Will you let me know when they dedicate it?”

“You’ll be invited to participate.”

Yesterday she would have said no. Today the same word would be a lie. She would go back, and she would watch her daughter honored. For the first time she would put flowers on Ellie’s grave. And perhaps, finally, she would put all her hatred for the little Mississippi town behind her.

“This doesn’t look right,” Jody said, frowning.

Julianna peeked over the little girl’s shoulder and realized they had forgotten to add the dry ingredients. She got out a measuring cup and spoons and showed Jody how to use them. When she looked up, she realized Gray was still staring at her.

“You look like you’re about ten, with your hair like that.”

Her heart did a funny little dance step. “I’m offended. Older than Jody?”

Gray reached for one braid and slipped the rubber band off the end. Starting at the bottom, he slowly combed through her hair with his fingers until it had been unraveled. Then he began on the second braid. Julianna stood in mute surprise while he finished.