Frog (36 page)

An enormous round table, set for a meal, sits in the yard of a peasant’s house. At the rear of the stage, a banner proclaims: ‘Celebration of Jin Wa’s first month’.

Tadpole, dressed in a glossy silk Chinese-style jacket embroidered with the words
(good luck) and
(long life), greets guests at the gate.

Tadpole’s elementary school classmates Li Shou and Yuan Sai, plus Tadpole’s cousin, enter, each intoning pleasantries and the traditional words of congratulations.

Gugu, in a deep red gown, enters in the company of Hao Dashou and Qin He.

TADPOLE:
(
welcoming
) We’re glad you’ve come, Gugu.

GUGU:
How could I not come when the Wan family has a new son?

TADPOLE:
It is only through the efforts of Gugu that Jin Wa has come to the Wan family.

GUGU:
You flatter me. (
looks around, smiles
) No exceptions. (
The others seem
puzzled.
) Except for these two (
points to Hao and Qin
), all of you here came into being with my two hands. I can tell you how many warts there are on all your mothers’ bellies. (
laughter all around
) Why aren’t you people seated?

TADPOLE:
Who would dare sit down before you?

GUGU:
Where’s your dad? Have him come out and take the seat of honour.

TADPOLE:
He’s been a little under the weather the past few days, so he’s gone to my sister’s to get over it. He said to give you the seat of honour.

GUGU:
I cannot refuse.

EVERYONE:
It’s only right.

GUGU:
Tadpole, you and Little Lion are both over fifty, and you have a bouncing baby boy. While that won’t get you into the – it’s Guinness, right? – the
Guinness Book of World Records
, it’s the first time in my five decades of delivering babies. That makes this a joyous occasion.

The other guests join in, some saying
Joyous occasion
, others saying
A miracle
.

TADPOLE:
All thanks to Gugu’s medical genius.

GUGU:
(
emotionally
) In her youth, Gugu was a dyed-in-the-wool materialist, but now, an old woman, she’s grown increasingly idealistic.

LI SHOU:
There ought to be a place in the history of philosophy for idealism.

GUGU:
Hear that? There’s a big difference between the educated and the uneducated.

YUAN SAI:
We know nothing about idealists and materialists, we’re all coarse people.

GUGU:
There may be no ghosts and spirits in the real world, but divine retribution definitely exists. For Tadpole and Little Lion to be blessed with a son in their fifties proves that the Wan family had built up considerable merits in past lives.

COUSIN:
Gugu’s medicine also helped.

GUGU:
Sincerity can work miracles. (
turns to Tadpole
) Your mother lived a miserly life, but things are better for your generation. You have plenty of money, and now this joyous addition. It’s time to change and show some generosity.

TADPOLE:
You needn’t worry, Gugu. Though we have no camel’s hump or bear’s paw, there is more than enough meat, fish, and fowl here for everyone.

GUGU:
(
examines the table
) Seven plates and eight bowls, that looks like plenty. But what about liquor? What’s there to drink?

TADPOLE:
(
reaches under the table and takes out two bottles of Maotai
) Maotai.

GUGU:
Real or fake?

TADPOLE:
I got it from Liu Guifang, manager of the municipal guesthouse. She guarantees it’s real.

LI SHOU:
She’s an old classmate.

YUAN SAI:
It’s the old classmates you have to watch out for.

GUGU:
Her, she’s the second daughter of Liu Baofu in Liu Family Village. Also one of mine.

TADPOLE:
I pointed out that relationship to her. With care and respect she took these bottles out of her safe.

GUGU:
She’d be embarrassed to give you fake Maotai for me.

Tadpole opens the bottle and offers Gugu the first taste.

GUGU:
It’s excellent. The real thing, no doubt about it. Now, pour it for everyone.

Tadpole pours glasses for everyone.

GUGU:
Since I’ve been given the seat of honour, I’ll start the ritual. For this first glass, we thank the leadership of our Communist Party, which has freed us all from poverty, led us to wealth, liberated our thoughts and brought us a good life, and that is what guarantees a fine future. What do you say, everyone, did I get it right?

The crowd shouts its agreement.

GUGU:
Empty the first glass!

Everyone drinks.

GUGU:
For the second glass we thank the Wan family ancestors for accumulating so many merits that their sons and grandsons live comfortable lives.

Everyone drinks.

GUGU:
For this third drink we turn to the reason we are here, to celebrate the birth of a son late in life to Tadpole and his wife Little Lion.

They all raise their glasses and shout congratulations.

Liu Guifang and a pair of helpers enter with cardboard boxes, followed by TV journalists and cameramen.

LIU GUIFANG:
Congratulations!

TADPOLE:
My old classmate, what are you doing here?

LIU:
I came for a celebration drink. Am I not welcome? (
She shakes hands with the people around the table and exchanges pleasantries, saving Gugu for last.
) Gugu, you’ve recaptured your youth.

GUGU:
That makes me an old witch.

TADPOLE:
We couldn’t get you here with an invitation, but here you are. What is all this stuff? I don’t want you to go broke.

LIU:
I’m just a cook, what’s there to go broke? (
points to the boxes
) I cooked this myself for you. Fried yellow croaker, pork-skin jelly and large steamed buns. Tell me what you think of my cooking skills, everyone. Gugu, I’ve brought a bottle of fifty-year-old Maotai especially for you to show my respect.

GUGU:
It’s not every day you drink fifty-year-old Maotai. Last New Year’s, one of the high officials in Pingnan city had his daughter-in-law give me a bottle. When the cork was pulled, the room was suffused with its special aroma.

TADPOLE:
(
uneasily
) And who are these people, old classmate?

LIU:
(
drags the female reporter up
) I forgot to introduce everyone to Miss Gao, who works for the municipal TV station, hosting and producing the program
Aspects of Society
. Miss Gao, this is Uncle Tadpole, the playwright who has fathered a son late in life, a remarkable feat. And she (
the woman in the role of reporter is dragged over to Gugu
) is our Northeast Gaomi Township’s sainted Gugu, which is what we call her no matter how old or young we are. She has ushered everyone here, from one generation to the next, into the world.

GUGU:
(
takes the reporter’s hand
) What a charming girl you are. One look at you and I can picture what your father and mother are like. In the past, it was family status that determined whether or not a match was appropriate. Now I’m in favour of looking at genes before family status. Good genes are what guarantee the birth of intelligent, healthy babies. With bad genes nothing works.

REPORTER:
(
signals the cameraman to film
) Gugu is right in step with the times.

GUGU:
Hardly. But in my dealings with people in all fields I manage to pick up some modern terms and ideas.

TADPOLE:
(
softly to Liu Guifang
) This isn’t something we should broadcast, is it?

LIU:
(
softly
) Miss Gao is going to marry into my family soon. There is stiff competition among TV stations these days, fighting over information, material and ideas, and I need to help her.

REPORTER:
Gugu, why do you think Uncle Tadpole and his wife were able to have a child so late in life? Is it because of their good genes?

GUGU:
Most definitely. They both have good genes.

REPORTER:
Do you think that one of their genes might be a tad better than the others?

GUGU:
You need to have a better understanding of genes before you can ask that question.

REPORTER:
Do you think you can explain what genes are in terms that our viewers can easily understand?

GUGU:
Genes are life, genes are one’s fate.

REPORTER:
Fate?

GUGU:
Flies can’t get into an egg that isn’t cracked. Do you understand?

REPORTER:
Yes.

GUGU:
People with bad genes are like cracked eggs, and their offspring will be born with cracks. Understand?

LIU:
(
to Gao
) Why don’t you let Gugu take a moment to have a drink. You can ask Uncle Tadpole. This is Uncle Yuan Sai, and this is Uncle Li Shou. They were all classmates of mine, and they know everything there is to know about genes. You can interview each of them. (
pours a glass for Gugu
) Here’s to Gugu’s health and a long life, may you always look after our Northeast Township’s children!

REPORTER:
Uncle Tadpole, I know you were born in
1953
, which makes you fifty-five this year. At that age, country folk are already grandparents, but you have just fathered a son. Can you tell us how you feel about that?

TADPOLE:
Last month, seventy-eight-year-old Professor Li of Qidong University celebrated the one-month anniversary of his son and visited his hundred-and-three-year-old father, elder Professor Li, in the hospital. Did you read that?

REPORTER:
Yes.

TADPOLE:
A man is at his prime in his fifties. The issue is with women.

REPORTER:
Would it be all right to interview your wife?

TADPOLE:
She’s resting. She’ll come out to toast our guests in a little while.

REPORTER:
(
holding the microphone in front of Yuan Sai
) Chairman Yuan, now that your friend Tadpole has become a father at his age, are you itching to do the same?

YUAN:
What an interesting phrase, itching to do the same. I may be itching, but not to do the same. I doubt that I have particularly good genes. I have two sons, and one’s as big a drain on me as the other. If I had another, I doubt that the results would be any better. Then there’s my wife, whose soil has seriously hardened. If I planted a sapling, in three days it would be a cane.

LI SHOU:
Why not let your mistress do it?

YUAN SAI:
How can you say things like that at your age, my friend? We’re upright, highly moral individuals who don’t get involved in ugly affairs like that.

LI SHOU:
Ugly affairs? It’s all the rage these days, a new wave, gene improvement, aiding the poor and lending a helping hand to the weak, fuelling domestic demand and furthering development.

YUAN SAI:
Stop right there. If that gets out, they’ll be coming after you.

LI SHOU:
Ask them if they dare broadcast that.

REPORTER:
(
smiles without answering, turns to Gugu
) Gugu, I hear that you have developed a ‘return to spring’ elixir that will restore a post-menopausal woman’s youth.

GUGU:
Many people say I have a potion that can change the sex of a foetus. Do you believe that?