Freshman Year (38 page)

“Hey,” Garrett says.

“Hey,” I say to the fruit salad.

“Look, Abbey. About that day.”

I grab another handful of chips and add them to my plate. “Yeah?”

“I don't know how to explain it. It just happened. We
were
drinking, but I knew it would hurt you and I didn't stop it.”

I nod my head and add another scoop of french onion dip, still waiting for an opportunity to say,
It's okay. I forgive you.

“I'm sure you're still pretty pissed off at me, but I want you to know I'm sorry.”

There it is. The perfect moment. It's time to say it, but instead, I shove a baby carrot in my mouth. Maybe her apology is too late.

“I've really missed being your friend, Abs.”

I've missed her, too, but how can I ever trust her again?

Then I guess Garrett gets fed up with my silence because she grabs the overflowing plate from my hands and puts it on the table. “Could you stop communicating with the food and say something to me? Tell me I'm a bitch. Tell me I suck. Just talk to me.”

I study the dip on my plate, which is sculpted into the shape of a Hershey's Kiss. I really don't know what to say.

“Say something, Abbey,” she pleads again.

“Okay. Okay.” I gather my thoughts. “It feels like you did it just to prove how bad she really was for me, which, in a way, was nice of you, but also really, really messed up.”

“I swear I didn't think you'd come over. I really thought no one would ever find out, which is stupid because people always find out everything, huh?”

I nod in agreement and notice Kate looking over at us, checking to see if I need her to whisk me away. With a slight shake of my head I let her know I'm fine.

“But I didn't do it to hurt you. I promise. It wasn't even about you.”

I look at her finally. “But you knew how much I loved her, G.”

“I know. I know. What I did was beyond messed up, but it was about getting even with Tai, not about hurting you.”

“Tai? What does she have to do with this?”

“It's complicated,” she says, as if that's enough.

My look tells her that she better elaborate.

“Okay,” she glances over her shoulder then lowers her voice. “Well, you know that history between me and Stef I didn't feel like telling you about?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, it was the same sort of situation, but with Stef and Tai in bed, and me being the one to walk in to be crushed.”

“
Chale
.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” she says and pops a brownie bite in her mouth.

Her Stef/Tai story seems plausible, but things still aren't quite making sense. “But you said you didn't think anyone would find out. If you wanted to get back at Tai, you'd want her to know, right?”

“Yes and no. God, I don't know why I did it. Tai and I got into a fight that day at school about the same stupid friend of hers that we always fight about, and I was so pissed off. I saw Keeta in the hall, and we walked over to her house to talk and, I don't know. We had a few shots and I wanted to feel better and I wanted to hurt Tai.”

“I guess you got what you wanted,” I say with anger in my voice.

“No I didn't, actually. It was weird. Keeta and I are just friends and we should have stayed that way. But you know what?” She looks over her shoulder again. “You're not going to believe this, but I think I also got jealous of you and Keeta.”

“You're right. I don't believe you.”

“I know it sounds stupid, but it was like I didn't think it was fair that you got to be with Keeta and I didn't. Plus I was so angry with Tai that day. So it just happened. We didn't plan it.”

I take a gulp of Dr Pepper and think about her reasoning, but I still don't buy it. “How does something like that just happen anyway? I mean, you wanted it to happen, that's why it did. It was no accident.”

“I know. You're right.”

It feels good to be the one who knows what's going on for once. Then I stop congratulating myself and focus back on the matter at hand. “Has it happened again?”

“No, I swear. It was just that one time.”

For some reason, I believe Garrett. What else can I do? I miss her and I need a friend who knows how it feels to be afraid of being found out, to be talked about in the halls, and to fall in love with a girl and survive to tell about it.

Then we just stand there munching on carrots like a couple of gay rabbits.

I'm trying to figure out what to say next, but Garrett beats me to it. “You know, she still talks about you all the time.”

My stomach does a cartwheel, nearly rejecting all the food I just ate. Then I feel a pull in my heart that I thought was gone for good. “She talks about me?” I grab a lock of my hair and twirl. “What does she say? What a big mistake it was to be with me?”

“No, nothing like that at all.”

I can't believe I have to prompt her to tell me more. “So…”

“Well, let's just say I've never seen her so attached to anyone. Whatever it is you guys had was something I don't think she's ever experienced before.” Garrett falls silent for a second, eats another carrot, and then says, “If you ask me, she's still totally in love with you.”

“In love with me?” I feel myself floating again, but before I can close my eyes to fall into my old Keeta trance, Jenn's mom flicks the lights and calls everyone around.

“Let's all raise our glasses to my beautiful, smart, talented daughter,” Jenn's mom says to the partygoers.

“Mom, please,” Jenn whines, pretending to be embarrassed.

“May you be successful in everything you do, and may you always remember how much you are loved and adored by everyone in this room. I'm so proud of you, sweetie.”

Everyone raises their glasses. “Cheers!”

While Jenn's getting a group hug from her mom, dad, and Kate, I think more about Keeta. I've been so close to getting through the pain, but knowing she might really love me is a different story. Why should we both suffer? But still, things don't quite add up.

“Well, if Keeta's so in love with me, why didn't she try harder to talk to me or apologize after it happened? And why did she mess around with you and Osiris and whoever else if she supposedly loves me so much?”

Garrett shrugs and crunches on one of my chips. “I don't know. I think she's afraid of you.”

“Okay, now you're just talking crazy.”

“It's not crazy. Not if you're Keeta. Not if you've always lived your life protecting yourself from feeling anything. Especially love.”

“Why would she do that?”

Garrett takes my soda and finishes it off before sharing more of her insights. “Maybe because she lost her uncle like that, or maybe because she feels abandoned by her parents. As you know, there are a lot of maybes when it comes to Keeta. She's a complicated girl. Anyway, I think she was afraid you were going to leave her, too.”

It almost sounds logical, in a totally screwed up sort of way.

“And I'm kind of embarrassed to admit it,” Garrett says, “but I think she was trying to ruin what you guys had by hooking up with me. I think she knew you'd find out and it would break your heart. That way, she wouldn't have to worry about you hurting her. It would be over. Done with. She could wash her heart clean of you. See?”

No I don't see. If Keeta loves me, why would she hurt me on purpose?

Then I'm back to where I didn't want to go, and I'm imagining just one more night in Keeta's arms. Can't I have at least that? It doesn't have to mean we're back together again. But then again, maybe one night could change everything. Maybe we could finally make love, and I could convince her I would never hurt her. Maybe it isn't too late.

The crowd of Jenn fans is mingling again, so I try to look more normal and less utterly confused and love struck. “So, you guys still hang out?” I ask Garrett.

“Yeah, she's freaking out about graduating. She might be playing ball for ASU next year, but who knows. She says she has to stay here and take care of her grandma.”

“Yeah, who knows,” I say and act cooler than I am feeling inside. We stand there contemplating what to eat next, when I finally get the nerve to ask Garrett one last thing. “Could you do me a favor, G?”

“I think it's the least I can do.”

“Could you ask Keeta to come over to my house tonight at midnight?”

Garrett makes a face. “Are you sure that's what you want, Abbey?”

“Just ask her, okay?”

Tai walks over to us and grabs a piece of broccoli off my plate. “Hey, Abbey, where have you been all my life? We've missed your tallness. All my lightbulbs need changing.”

I laugh but look at Garrett to make sure I get my confirmation.

Garrett rolls her eyes, which I take as a yes.

“But, seriously,” Tai says, “basketball ends and you just drop us like a bad habit. Thanks a lot.”

Is that what Garrett told Tai? That it was me? That I was blowing them off? God, she lies as much as I do, or as much as I used to.

“Yeah,” Garrett says and laughs nervously. “Well, you know how Abbey is. She's just too cool for us now.” With Tai standing behind her, Garrett gives me a pleading look.

Garrett wants me to play along and keep her secret from Tai the same way she played along and kept my secret from Stef. And even though she stabbed me in the back in the end, I still feel like I owe her one. “Yeah, you know how it is, hurdles to jump, ankles to sprain.”

“Yeah, I hear ya. Well, will we at least see you at summer league?” Tai asks.

“Summer league?” I ask with my mouth full of brownie because I'm too excited to finish chewing.

“Oh my God, you totally have to sign up. We were undefeated last year,” Garrett says while shaking my arm with giddiness.

“I'm so in!” It's just what I need to get through until next fall. I hip-check Garrett with my butt. “But no suicide lines, right?”

“Coach Riley won't even be in a twenty-mile radius. I swear.”

Kate carefully walks over to us, balancing a tray of fluted glasses filled with bubbling apple cider. “Ladies?” she asks, keeping her eyes on the drinks.

“Why, thank you, ma'am,” Tai says, and we each take one.

I lift my glass. “A toast to basketball.”

“To next year's JV team,” Kate says.

“And to friends,” Garrett adds, looking at me.

“And friends!” we all say together.

Then Jenn barges into our little circle and says, “And to older sisters who are always right about everything.”

My mom and I leave Jenn's party and get home at about ten, but it's still about eighty degrees outside. “I don't think I'll ever get used to these hot nights, Mom.”

My mom falls back onto the couch next to me. “How about a strawberry smoothie?”

I consider taking her up on the offer, but after consuming two pieces of cake, a ton of chips, dip, crackers, carrot, cheese, and two servings of lasagna, I have finally reached my max. “No thanks. I think I'm full.”

“Wow. I guess there's a first for everything,” she says and laughs.

“Ha ha. Very funny. Anyway, I'm kind of tired, Mom. I think I'll just go to bed.” I start to get up, but she pulls me down into the cushiony pillows.

“It's your first night of summer vacation and you're going to go to bed early?” She reaches out and tests my forehead for a fever. “Everything all right? You were so quiet on the way home.”

I look down at the couch and trace my finger over its pattern. “Yeah, I guess I just need some time to recover from, I don't know, the whole year.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. It's been a long one, huh?”

“Well, it was interesting to say the least.”

“Yes, it was,” she agrees.

With nothing else to say about it, we sit and listen to the crickets. Even with the screen doors shut, they always find a way into our house during the summer.

Then my mom breaks our silence. “I was afraid, Abbey.”

I freak out inside. Does she mean she was afraid she was right about me being gay? And afraid she wouldn't be able to love me?

“I wasn't sure we could do high school without him.”

I take a sigh of relief. “Really?”

“You know, he had it all figured out by the time you were five. He knew exactly what classes you should take and which clubs you should join. He even had a curfew figured out. Eleven fifteen. He wanted it to be fair but not too late. Eleven fifteen was the perfect time in his head. Isn't that funny?”

“Yeah,” I say and look over at her as she gazes out the window at nothing.

The faint lines around her eyes and mouth seem deeper, and the silver strands sparkling in her blond hair seem to have doubled. I decide I don't like seeing her age. What if I lose her, too? I know now there are things I can make it through, but there's no way I could survive that.

“So, you think this year would have gone better with him here?” I ask.

“Well, this year was going to be what it was no matter what. Don't you think?”

“I guess,” I say and don't admit I've been wondering all year about how things might have been different, maybe better, with Dad here. “Yeah, it was what it was.”

She looks at me again. “But we didn't do so badly, did we?”

I smile. “No, not too bad.”

She reaches over and holds my hand. “He would have been proud of you.”

I let out a small laugh because I think it will keep me from feeling sad. “I don't know about that.” But my eyes still well up with hot tears.

“And I'm so proud of you, too.”

A tear escapes, but I still manage to laugh. “Why? Because I didn't flunk out? That's something, I guess.”

“Yes, but it's more than that.”