Four Summers (23 page)

“Perfect,” he says into my hair, before we pull away.

Alec shakes his head, but then Brandon says, “Dude, cut them some slack.” Obviously pissed, Alec heads toward the water. Brandon follows behind him and then Nate and I take up the rear.

It’s even prettier up here than it is at The Village. Mountains surround us with the water sparkling in the middle of it. I set up the chairs while Brandon and Alec screw around with their poles, laughing over something in a way that only boys do.

“Do you want to fish or go swimming with me?” Nate asks. There’s no question about what my answer will be. After unbuttoning and unzipping my shorts, I step out of them. Turning to walk toward the water, I’m suddenly swooped off the ground and Nate is running with me in his arms.

“You’re going to piss off the fish!” Brandon yells.

“Go somewhere else then!” Nate isn't even looking at him as he wades into the water with me in his arms.

We spend what feels like forever and also two seconds at the same time, splashing around in the water. Nate dunks my head and I wrap arms around his neck and realize that’s kind of our thing.

When we are tired of holding ourselves up, Nate runs to the shore and grabs an inner tube. Brandon and Alec have moved out of sight, giving us the space I want and keeping their precious fish calm.

When Nate gets back to me, we lie down together in the tube and float along the water.

“You and Brandon are closer than you used to be, aren’t you?”

“Yeah…kind of. I’m mean, we’ve never really been that close. Even now. Why?” His hand splays out across my stomach.

“Because he told Alec to chill out earlier and they’re not on top of us right now.”

Nate shrugs. “I guess I’ve talked to him more about you this summer. He knows I like you, and I guess he gets it.”

Rolling over, I lie with my stomach on his. My cheek on his chest, while his hands do the same thing to my back that they just did on my belly. “Are you still playing baseball your senior year?” I ask. He’d mentioned before that he wasn’t sure if he would.

“That came out of the blue.”

“I want to make sure I know everything about you.”

So we talk. He tells me that he is playing ball because he figures he might as well continue what he started. We talk about classes and he asks when was the last time I talked to Mom and Sadie. “A couple days ago,” I tell him. “They call about once a week.”

We talk about stupid things like our favorite drinks and he tells me about the time he did two keg-stands at a house party and how it’s the only time he’s ever thrown up while drinking.

We talk about my dad, and Nate's parents and how he never would have thought he’d miss Brandon, but he’s kind of bummed his brother is leaving for school. It’s like any other conversation we’ve had. It’s everything and nothing out of the ordinary too.

Suddenly, water comes splashing at us. I don’t know how we didn’t hear Alec and Brandon approaching. Nate rolls with me and we’re off the inner tube sending water right back at them. It’s the first time the four of us have really hung out like this.

Soon, the water fight is over and we’re heading back to shore.

Nate and I decide we want to fish, but Brandon says he’s tired and wants to go back to camp for a nap. Alec looks unsure at what to do.

“It’s cool. You can chill with us if you wanna,” Nate tells him, which I know isn’t easy for him to say.

Brandon shakes his head. “How in the hell am I supposed to find my way back then? I didn’t grow up out here like you guys.”

“Idiot,” Nate laughs and even Alec joins in.

“I’ll help you,” Alec says.

When the two of them are gone, Nate and I each sit in the chairs, side-by-side, with our poles in the water.

He’s looking out at the lake, as am I. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see him turn and stare at me…forever.

“I wanna be with you,” Nate blurts out. His voice sounds a little huskier than usual, but still strong. Firm.

“What?” I thought we were already pretty much together.

“I want to be with you. I know it’s stupid, but I think we should do it. We should give it a try, Star Girl. We’ll talk every day and I know it’ll suck and it’ll be hard as hell, but how will we know if we don’t try?”

My heart is beating a million miles per hour. My eyes sting, but at the same time a smile stretches across my face. “Really? How…I mean.”

“We talked all year, and we
weren’t
together. We’ll do it when we are.”

Little blips of our conversation from earlier filters in. “Is this because of Alec? I don’t want—”

I actually see Nate’s defenses go up.

“I don’t give a shit about Alec. This has to do with you and me. What do we have to lose? We’re both pretty friggin' miserable when we’re not together.”

I don’t want to talk him out of it, but he needs to know the magnitude of what he’s saying. “We’ll never see each other. It’s not fair… It’s your senior year. You’ll want to date and go to prom and…”

He shrugs. “Who cares? I want you, Charlotte.
You.
I’ll be eighteen in October. I have money saved and can get plane tickets. I’ll come see you. Fuck, I don’t know if it’ll work. I just know I wanna be with you. I don’t want to say goodbye like we do every year, ya know? Maybe I’m not supposed to admit stuff like that—”

“You are,” I tell him. “You so totally are.”

This makes him laugh and I love it. It’s impossible not to join in with the deep, throaty sound. Him being happy makes me happy and I know I’m one of the lucky ones because I feel it in the way he treats me. I know I make him feel the same way.

“I want to be with you, too. But what about college?”

He rolls his eyes at me as though I’m being crazy. “It’s a year away. Stop trying to fast forward to the future. We can apply to some of the same schools, just in case. You never know what can happen. Hell, even if it’s just pretend, let’s do it.

I don’t let myself think. Don’t want to think about all the ways this can go wrong or how it will kill me if we somehow make this work for a whole year and then I lose him. But he’s right. Or maybe I just want to pretend he is. If we don’t give it a shot I’ll always wonder—and always regret not having tried. The only thing I know is I’m opening my mouth and letting the word, “yes,” jump free.

I smile and look over at him, little water droplets on his skin and his dark hair wet. Nate leans toward me. “Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Then he kisses me, his tongue stroking me slowly, and it’s the best, most amazing kiss he’s ever given me. Maybe better than any kiss in the world.

When he pulls back he touches my hair and I know it’s all messy and stringy from being wet, but I don’t care.

“Holy shit, we’re sappy. Maybe I should throw you over my shoulder or something to show you how manly I really am.”

I push at him. “Oh my God! That doesn’t make you manly, and why do boys care so much if they sound sappy once in a while? Ugh.” I get up, pretending to walk away, but he hooks his arms around my waist and pulls me to his lap.

“I’ll be sappy with you, Star Girl. No one knows me like you do.”

Later, I’ll realize I should have told him I love him. That moment would have been the perfect chance, but unlike the first time I saw him, I didn’t realize this was one of my
moments
.

Instead I sit here while we finish fishing. Once we’re done we go back to camp and hang out with Brandon and Alec. We cook dinner on the fire and roast marshmallows, doing all those things you’re supposed to do while camping.

When it’s time for bed, I don’t bother with going into my tent. I climb right into Nate’s with him and we spend half the night kissing, touching and exploring before we fall asleep in each other’s arms.

And for once, everything feels perfect. I can forget Dad has MS, and Mom and Sadie are gone. That Dad needs me and Alec wants me to stay here with him and that in less than a month, Nate will be leaving.

We’re together. We’re going to stay together. For now, I’m focusing on that.

Each day seems to go by faster and faster. It’s always in the back of my mind, and it makes my stomach ache, but not with the same ferocity it could have. It’s different knowing we both want to make a go at this. Even though we’re young and everyone would tell us it’s stupid, we care about each other enough to try.

I think Dad knows something is going on with us, but I don't even let that bother me. Nate works with us almost every day and even though you can tell it about kills Dad sometimes, he appreciates it.

Even Alec is being okay. I don’t know if it was because they got along well on the camping trip or what. It’s not like they’ll ever be super good friends or anything. That much is obvious, but they don't look like they want to murder each other half the time.

For once, everything feels okay. Like maybe if you want something enough or you earn it enough, maybe you can get the things you want.

Not that I think I’ll be with Nate forever. We’ve talked about schools to apply to and wondered what it would be like, but I don’t know if I really believe that will ever happen. Dad is still sick. Sadie and Mom are still gone. And I’m still needed here.

It’s a slow day around The Village. It gets like that toward the end of the summer sometimes. People leave early or they stay in and relax more. Dad gave Alec the day off, and him, Nate, and I are working on the back deck of one of the empty cabins. Some of the boards are rotting out so we have to replace half of it and then stain it. Luckily it’s not too big.

“Can I get your hand over here for a minute, Nate?” Dad asks him and I can’t help but look up from where I’m working to watch them. They’re working together the same way he would have with Alec and it makes fizzy hope bubble over inside me.

What if things could really work out? What if they aren’t as hopeless as I always thought they were?

“Shit. Be careful. You almost got my thumb.” Dad laughs and shakes his head playfully at Nate. “You haven’t let Charlie teach you how to use a hammer, have you? She’s made me lose a nail and lost one herself, getting a little over anxious.”

Nate glances at me, his face full of mischief. “No, but those definitely sound like stories I’d like to hear.”

“Dad! Don’t,” I yell which of course makes him launch into the story. Even though I pretend it bothers me, it doesn’t. It’s cool seeing them converse and hear Dad talking about the past. We have so many memories together and I’m lucky, so lucky, that he’s taught me all the things he has. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am without him.

After teasing from Nate, we get back to work again. It’s not long later when Dad says, “I’ll be right back. I need to stand up for a few minutes.”

My eyes immediately dart to him as I watch him struggle slightly to stand. It might not be obvious to everyone, but it is to me. I flinch as Dad pushes up and the second he’s to his feet, I want to die. I know it’s nothing, nothing compared to how he must feel.

My eyes fill with tears as the wet spot in the font of his pants grows.

Nate turns away, picks up a tool and I know he’s pretending not to notice that my dad lost control of his bladder. They said things like this could happen, but hearing it and seeing it are two different things.

Without a word, Dad drops his tool belt to the deck and walks away.

Nate is to me before right as the first tears rolls off my face and hits the deck. “Shh. Come here. It’s okay. I got you.”

Climbing onto his lap, I wrap my arms around his him, bury my face into his neck and give into my cries. Nate just holds me, rubs my back and tells me it will be okay. That he’s sorry, but all I can think is that my dad, the big, strong man who’s run The Village since he was twenty years old, the one who built a fort with me and taught me to fish and play football and drive a boat, just peed his pants when he stood up.

My legs shake as I walk into the house a little while later. Seeing Dad right now is the last thing I want to do. Maybe that’s not what I should be thinking, but I am and it’s not just because of me. It’s for him. After what just happened, I know he wishes he’d never have to see Nate or me again.

But I also can’t walk away. It’s not right and no matter how hard it is, I have to try and show him that it’s okay. That nothing has changed.