Forced Partnership (2 page)

 

*****

 

CAN A SUPER-HERO BROMANCE SURVIVE THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE?

"You can b-beat this." I force out the words between kicks to my stomach. "B-break Linda's...evil spell."

"Her name wasn't
Linda
!" He bends down and grabs me by the throat. "Say it! Say her
actual name
!"

"I b-believe...in you." I choke as his hand tightens. "I will never stop...being your..."

"
I want to hear you say it!
" He shakes me by the neck. "
Just once
!
Say her fucking name!
"

I realize something now, for the first time: there might not be a way out of this for me. Whoever's controlling him, they've got their hooks set deep. Nothing I've said has shaken his belief in his twisted version of reality.

"
Say it!
" He looks like he's out of his mind as he bellows the words. "Her name is
Maria
!
Maria Maria Maria
! And what
was
she?" He jerks me by the neck again. "Tell me what she
was
to me!"

"P-Partygirl." Just saying the word makes me feel sick. So much hate, bubbling within every cell of my broken body. "She was P-P--"

"
No she was not
!" He tightens his grip to the point of near-strangulation. "You know damn well
she was my...
"

 

*****

 

A BOLD NEW HEROINE JOINS THE PARTY LINE LINEUP!

I'll never forget when Partycrasher said these words to me: "That's right. Linda Loveblind has gone straight. And she's changed her code name to
Partygirl
."

I'd never been so sorry about being right in my life. I'd known from that day at the Diamond Show that we hadn't seen the last of Linda Loveblind. I'd caught the look she'd shared with Partycrasher as the cops had led her to the paddy wagon, and I'd
known
.

Now here she was, standing in our own
secret
headquarters
, I shit you not. Linda Loveblind herself, card-carrying member of the crime-loving Chick Posse, was in the heart of the one-and-only
Party Creche
.

She might have been wearing a new costume--a modified little black dress with a black domino mask and red-lined black cape--but she wasn't fooling me.
I
wasn't the one thinking with my
nads
.

I knew that her being there did not bode well for the Partycrasher Squared team.

"I look forward to working with you, Tim." Linda held out one black-gloved hand.

I wouldn't take it. I couldn't believe the words that had just come out of her mouth. "Oh my God." I gaped at Partycrasher. "You told her my
secret identity
?"

"She needs to know," he told me. "Now that she's a member of the Party Line, she needs..."

"No!" I remember stumbling to a chair and dropping into it. "You can't just let her
join
like that." I remember my hands shaking, my heart pounding. I remember feeling sad and scared and sick all at once.

I remember thinking that this was the end of the world.

"Don't worry, chum." Partycrasher walked over and patted my back. "It'll be all right. I promise."

But he was wrong. So very, very wrong.

Our golden age ended that day. Everything went downhill from there.

Every adventure she was part of turned into a disaster one way or another. When we took on Extreme Umbrage and the Walking Tire Fire, an entire neighborhood went up in flames because Linda let herself be taken hostage. A few days later, Dr. Scatological got the drop on me because I was distracted by Linda's screams for help; I ended up with a severe case of temporary Tourette syndrome that made me blurt obscenities in front of a TV news crew.

Sword-Swallower and Haggis Master got away from us twice--
twice
--because Linda insisted she understood their cypher clues better than Partycrasher did. Wild Goose led us all the way to the Canadian Maritimes for the same reason, in search of a doomsday device that didn't exist. Then there was the day Trophy Wife, MILF, and The Mammarian caught us in a trap that
never
would have worked in the pre-Linda days. We had to be rescued by firefighters, extracted from a giant party favor with the jaws of life.

As for the Win, Place, and Show affair, I don't even want to talk about it. The day three tenth rate losers like them could trick us into a collapsing glue factory that nearly got us all killed was the day we became a true embarrassment to the crimefighting community.

Did Partycrasher even seem to
notice
how far we'd fallen? No, he did not. He seemed perfectly happy throughout all our debacles, as if he were having
fun
. The public displays of affection with Linda grew more and more obnoxious, and the baby-talk just got more sickening.

Still, in my heart, I never gave up on him. I always believed I could somehow save him and restore the Partycrasher Squared team to its glory days.

Even when he told me the big news. Even then.

"Partygirl and I are getting married, chum!" He told me this in the Party Creche one night, when we were alone. "Can you believe it?"

I could, unfortunately. It wasn't like I hadn't seen it coming. "Huh."

Grinning, he grabbed me by the shoulders. "Well, aren't you going to
congratulate
me?"

I wondered what to say. Should I let the moment pass and play along, pretending I was happy for him? Wouldn't that just strengthen her hold on him?

"Don't do it." I shook my head grimly. "Please, Partycrasher. Don't do it."

He frowned in disbelief. "I thought you'd be
happy
for me." He let go of my shoulders. "I was going to ask you to be my
best man
."

"Can't you see what she's
done
to you?" I said. "How she's gotten inside your
head
?"

"It's called
love
, Tim. It's a
good
thing."

"Listen to me!" I grabbed hold of his upper arms and gave him a shake. "If someone managed to
brainwash
you, would you even
know
it? If your mind was being
controlled
, how could you tell what you were really
feeling
?"

He looked hurt. "I'm not brainwashed, Tim."

"But
what if
someone had
warped
your
perceptions
? It's what she
does
, Partycrasher. It's her
super-power
!"

Partycrasher's expression was one of wounded betrayal. "Don't do this, Tim." He shook free of my grip and stepped back from me. "Please don't do this."

"Wait." I knew I was losing him. Her influence was too strong. "What if I asked you...to choose? Choose between me and her?"

He stared at me for a long moment, and then his expression changed from hurt to pity. "Don't ask me that, Tim." He turned and walked toward the Partymobile. "I don't think you'll like the answer."

So that was it. Now I knew where I stood. I had taken the full measure of Linda's power over him, and all was clear to me. In a contest of wills, she would always win.

But even then, I still did not give up on him. Because I still had one ace up my sleeve, one way to stop his final descent and corruption. One way to thwart Linda's final triumph.

And the sweet irony of it all was that Partycrasher himself had given it to me in the first place. He was the deliverer of his own salvation in the form of the astounding...

 

*****

 

WHEN PARTYCRASHERS COLLIDE!

It's harder than ever to force out the words. "Y-you can't b-be...legally married...to a c-creature...of p-pure, unearthly...evil."

"You
delusional
..." Partycrasher kicks me in the belly with what feels like all his strength. "...
psychopathic
..." Then he kicks me in the chest with staggering force. "...
maniac
!" Next, he hauls back his foot and kicks me in what's left of my face. "She was a
woman
! She was my
wife
!" Then, another kick to the face for good measure. "And
you
...you
stalked
her and you..."

"P-protected you." My jaw won't move right anymore. I think it's broken. "I d-did what you t-told me...when you g-gave me the..."

"I didn't
give
you
anything
! You
stole
it!"

"Y-you said...if you ever f-fell...under c-control...of an evil f-force..." I suck in a deep breath and push myself to keep going. "If you were ever t-turned...against the cause of j-j-justice...I should use it on you. I sh-should use the..."

"
There is no such thing as
a
De-Evilizer
!" Partygoer kicks me in the face again. "
It was only ever an ordinary...
"

 

*****

 

ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN, ONE SHOT!

When I kicked the door in, I found Linda sitting in a chair, waiting for me. She was wearing a red, satiny gown with arcane symbols embroidered in black along the low neckline. "Oh, hello, Tim." She put aside the book she'd been reading and smiled. "What can I do for you?"

Without a word, I pulled the De-Evilizer from its holster on my hip. The gleaming silver metal of its body felt warm in my grip.

"I was
wondering
when you'd get around to this." Linda threw her head back and laughed. "Come to cut your boy loose, have you?"

The De-Evilizer had a smooth, curved body with a long barrel. As I pointed it at her, it pulsed and glowed faintly with strange alien energies like some kind of a living thing.

"Well, you're too fucking late." Linda rose from the chair. Her skin began to turn crimson as she took a step toward me. Her eyes gleamed with yellow light, and her ears grew points. "He's
mine
and he always
will
be. I have taken the world's greatest super-hero and made him my
bitch
. And there's nothing
you
or
anyone
can ever
do
about it!"

My hand shook as she strolled across the apartment that had once been his alone. It was
her
territory now,
her
turf. And Partycrasher was helpless to resist her.

If I didn't act quickly, he would stay that way. If I didn't do what I'd come there to do, he would be forever lost, and I...

I was sure I would be dead at her feet. Now that I'd played my final card, now that I'd seen her true form, she couldn't afford to leave me alive.

But then I'd known that before I'd walked in the door, hadn't I?

Reaching up with my free hand, I braced my grip and steadied the De-Evilizer. I thought back to the day, years before, when Partycrasher himself had given it to me.

I want you to have this
, he'd told me.
It's extraterrestrial technology from Area 51.

At first, I'd stared at the thing without taking it.
What does it do?

Destroys evil
, he'd said.
Burns it away with cleansing fire.

Shouldn't you keep it?
I'd asked him.

He'd pushed it toward me more insistently.
It's for you, Tim. In case an evil force takes control of my mind. In case I ever turn against the cause of justice.

Impossible
, I'd said.
That could never happen.

Remember last month, when
Power of Suggestion and the Hypnoid
made me fight you? It can happen again, only much worse.
With that, Partycrasher had pressed the weapon into my hand.
You must be my fail-safe, do you understand? Don't let my awesome powers be used against the world I've sworn to defend.

Gazing at the De-Evilizer, I'd closed my fingers around it.
I could never...

You will do what you must!
He'd thrown himself forward then and hugged me.
Swear it!

And so I'd sworn it. And now here I was, ready to use the De-Evilizer for the first time. Praying with all my heart that it would work, that it would save him.

It was his last chance, and I knew it.
Our
last chance.

"So go ahead!" A forked tongue flickered between Linda's lips, which were now literally on fire. "Shoot your load, Tiny Tim! Go for the gusto!"

As she strode toward me, sneering, her now-crimson body grew taller. Snakes wrapped around her arms and legs, squirming in continuous motion. Leathery batlike wings burst out of her back and expanded behind her, flapping ominously.

This, then, was what she'd been all along...what I'd
sensed
her true nature to be. She was a demoness, a she-devil, a creature belched up from the fiery pits of Hell itself. No wonder she'd been able to use trickery so effectively. No wonder she'd been able to cloud Partycrasher's mind, to fill it with delusions.

"What's the matter?" Linda conjured a flaming whip out of thin air and cracked it in my direction. "Aren't you
man
enough to take me?"

I was scared, no doubt about it--but also determined. Partycrasher was depending on me...and through him, through the great feats he was yet destined to accomplish, the
whole
world
was depending on me, too.

"Come on, Partypooper! Give it your best shot!" Linda cracked the whip again and howled with laughter. "But you better make it a
good
one, because that's all you'll
get
!"

My hands tightened around the De-Evilizer. There was no trigger to pull; it would activate by mental command.

Again, she snapped the whip. The blazing tip sizzled past my left ear, but I didn't flinch. In the name of Partycrasher and all he stood for, I would not be deterred.

I prepared to give the mental command.

Then, suddenly, the apartment changed around me. In the blink of an eye, everything was different.

The whole living room was brighter. Every inch of it seemed cleaner and sharper--as if I'd been looking through an imperfect lens, and everything had been slightly out of focus until now.

As for Linda, she no longer looked like a demonic she-devil. Gone were the wings, yellow eyes, crimson skin, and forked tongue. Instead of a red gown embroidered with mystic symbols, she wore her Partygirl costume, the little black dress with crimson-lined cape and black fishnet stockings.

And the look on her face was nothing at all like what I'd seen earlier. Instead of gleeful wickedness, I saw total surprise and fear.

"No, Tim!" Her voice trembled as she said it. "Please, don't! We can work this out, I
know
we can!"

"Linda?" I was so surprised, I lowered the gun. "What...?"

"I want to help you, Tim! We both do!" Breathless, she pressed a hand against her chest. "You're part of the family, and that will never..."

"No!" I swung the gun up, certain that this was all one of Linda's illusions. "You won't fool me
that
easily, Loveblind!"

Suddenly, the room shifted again. This time, it grew brighter still. The furnishings looked newer and more expensive. The carpet went from brown to white, the end tables from stained wood to glass and chrome.

As for Linda, she was dressed in black silk pajamas. "Why are you doing this, Tim?" She was crying and clutching her stomach. Blood welled up around her hands, dripping onto the carpet at her feet. "Oh God, why?"

I shook my head hard but didn't lower the De-Evilizer. "Nice try,
bitch
!"

How many more illusions was she going to bombard me with? How much more innocent could she make herself appear?

I wasn't going to wait around to find out.

Clenching my teeth, I aimed the De-Evilizer at Linda's forehead. I took a breath to steady myself.

And then I gave the mental command.

Linda of the black silk pajamas tumbled toward the carpet. On her way down, she became Linda of the Partygirl outfit, gazing at me from behind her domino mask.

And when she hit the floor, she became the she-devil again, her entire body hissing as the De-Evilizer burned away the foul darkness festering in her soul.

At which point the front door flew open and Partycrasher charged into the apartment. "Nooo!" He looked from me to Linda, then back again. "Put it down, Tim! For God's sake, put down the..."