Fix You (21 page)

Hanna shook her head. “No, Caroline told me she was confined
to a wheelchair for life. That’s why I didn’t tell Richard, because I couldn’t
bear for him to leave her for me.”

Ruby was as still as a statue. “That’s not true.”

“I did!” Hanna protested. “I called and I was going to tell
him.”

“I mean the part about Meredith. That was a lie. Caroline
lied to you.”

It was like Hanna’s heart stopped beating. Just about died
in her chest cavity. Why the hell would Caroline lie to her about Meredith’s
ability to walk? It didn’t make sense, unless she was trying to keep Hanna and
Richard apart. Which would mean everything was a big, fat lie. The thought
sickened her to the pit of her stomach. All those months of being alone,
raising a child without a father was for nothing.

Nothing.

What the hell was she going to do? She’d lied to Richard by
omission, thinking it was for the best, but really she’d stolen his son away
from him. There was no way he’d ever forgive her for that. And there was no
chance Hanna would ever forgive Caroline. She wanted to scratch her eyes out,
scream at what her careless words had done. The bitch had stolen all of their
futures.

Hanna shook her head, the tears flooding from her eyes. “No.”

“Yes. Meredith’s perfectly able to walk. She walked right
out of Richard’s life.”

“No!” Hanna screamed. “I didn’t tell him about Matty so he
could spend his life with her. Taking care of her.”

“Hanna, he finished things with Meredith nearly two years
ago. He came to London and found you were gone. He was so angry; I can’t even
tell you what it was like. I was scared he was going to break something, or
himself.  I didn’t dare tell him that we were still in touch by email.”

Hanna wasn’t sure if she was going to vomit, or if she
really needed that drink. Where the hell was Tom with her wine? She hoped he
brought the bottle. If only she’d tried to call him again, or spoken to Ruby
and let her know. She could be with Richard now, watching him play with his
son, maybe rolling him a baseball or teaching him to kick a football. God, she
was so desperate to go back and change everything.

“He’s not with Meredith anymore?” Hanna felt the need to
clarify. She wasn’t sure what she wanted the answer to be.

“No. He’s not with anyone that I know of. Not that he talks
to me about that sort of thing. I’ve been staying with him while I’m at
Columbia.”

“That’s nice, that you two reconnected.” Hanna’s response was
automatic. The thinking part of her brain was still firmly stuck in Manhattan,
in a penthouse apartment. She could almost see Matty running along the
expensive wooden floor, his face lit up as Daddy came home after a day’s work.
Another sob escaped Hanna’s throat as she realized this was a scene she would
never get to see.

“It’s been amazing.” Ruby’s eyes flashed with happy
memories. Tom walked in carrying a bottle of wine and three glasses.

“Is it safe to come in yet?” He asked, putting the glasses
on the wooden coffee table, pouring the cold, pale wine into them.

“We haven’t scratched each other’s eyes out, if that’s what
you’re asking.” Ruby grabbed Hanna’s hand and squeezed tightly. “Now we just
need to talk about how you’re going to explain this to Richard.”

Hanna was still numb, unable to mold her thoughts into
anything resembling sense. She let Ruby take the lead, submitting to her friend’s
suggestions.

“I’m not sure if he’ll even talk to you,” Ruby confessed. “On
the rare occasion your name is mentioned, he usually leaves the room.”

Hanna’s heart dropped. Of course he must hate her. Her last words
to him, when they saw each other in New York, were a promise she would wait for
him in London. No wonder he was so angry when he got there and she was gone.

Again.

Would he hate Matty, too? Her heart clenched at the thought
of anybody despising her child, but if Richard was angry with Hanna, he could
well reject his son. Matthew was the perfect combination of them both, in looks
as well as temperament, and Richard would clearly be able to see Hanna’s half
shining through.

Either way, she couldn’t put it off any longer. It wasn’t
her choice to make. She wanted to call him right now, spill the truth over the
phone as soon as possible to make up for lost time. But it wasn’t the sort of
news you gave when you were thousands of miles away.

“I can’t tell him over the phone. I’ll have to fly to New
York.” She pulled at a fingernail with her teeth. “I’m not sure how Matty will
take to that, though.” Hanna could picture her son running up and down the
aisle, screaming at the other passengers. The vision made her shudder.

“Leave him here, with us,” Ruby suggested. “I’m desperate to
get to know my nephew, and I know from his song that Tom’s already in love.”

“He’s going through a clingy stage.” Hanna wavered. She
could see the sense in Ruby’s suggestion. She just wasn’t sure she could bear
to be without him.

“Give us a couple of weeks to bond with him. If you think we’re
up to the job, then you can fly to New York, tell Richard and fly right back
here. I promise we’ll treat him like a king.” Ruby’s voice betrayed her
excitement. Hanna softened as she saw Tom staring at her, his eyes burning
brightly.

“Will Richard even agree to see me?” Hanna wondered, knowing
her words were tantamount to an agreement. Ruby leaned forward and hugged her
tightly, her loud squeal making Hanna wince.

“Probably not,” Ruby replied. “But I’ll call and make an
appointment with him in my name. You can go and tell him at work. At least if
he’s surrounded by people he can’t go completely crazy.”

It seemed like Ruby had everything planned in her mind. In a
couple of weeks, Hanna would be catching a plane to New York. Fear fought with
excitement in her stomach, mixing with the alcohol she was knocking back. The
thought of seeing Richard again made her legs shake. 

She would do it because he deserved to know about his son.
She would do it because Matty deserved to have a father. Most of all, she would
do it because she loved him so much, she thought her heart might burst.

Twenty Two

May 12
^th
2012

I
t was early afternoon when the plane touched
down at JFK. The landing was bumpy enough to make her already-queasy stomach
lurch hard. For the first time in all her transatlantic trips, she was
distinctly aware of her own mortality. Fears of what would happen to Matty if
she died played havoc with her thought patterns.

All the more reason to tell Richard,
the snarky part
of her brain informed her. Hanna quashed the thought.

Even her own psyche was against her.

She hadn’t bothered checking in any baggage. Her return
flight was booked for the following day, and carry-on luggage would be enough
for one night. Toiletries, makeup, and a change of clothes were all she needed
until she could step foot in France again.

The queue at immigration moved fast. Each step toward the
glass booth was a step closer to telling Richard the most shocking news of his
life, and Hanna felt the need to dawdle, to prevaricate. She fiddled with her
dark-blue passport, wondering if she would have been better off using her
European one. The queue was so much longer on that side of the room.

Closing her eyes, she remembered the way Ruby had hugged her
before she left the villa in Nice. Her words of encouragement, whispered in
Hanna’s ear, were enough to plant a seed of hope that eventually Richard might
forgive her for running yet again. She hadn’t had time to nurture the seed yet;
to let it bloom into any kind of plant. She hoped she wouldn’t kill it.

“You’ve been out of the country for a while ma’am?” The
immigration officer was tapping into his computer with his right hand, staring
at Hanna’s passport, held open by his left.

“I have joint nationality. I’ve been living in Europe.”

“Are you planning to stay for a while?” He glanced up at
her, his eyes inquiring.

“Just until tomorrow. I’m meeting with a friend.”

The officer closed her passport and handed it back to her. “I
hope you have a nice stay, ma’am.” His eyes were already on the next passenger.
Hanna picked up her bag and moved forward, through the barrier. She could feel
time counting down like a ticker clock on New Year’s Eve. The thought made her
excited and fearful.

She bypassed the luggage carousel, making her way to the
door that led into the main terminal. The air conditioning made her skin pucker
with goose bumps, but from the look of the sun shining through the glass wall
of the terminal, it was a beautiful, spring day.

Standing in the line for a taxi, she practiced their
conversation in her mind.
Tell him as soon as possible
, she reminded
herself,
if you beat around the bush he’s either going to throw you out or
kill you.
The news that he had a son was like a Band-Aid, and for Richard’s
own sake, she needed to rip it off fast. She could deal with the wound later.
To tear it away inch by inch wouldn’t save them any misery in the long run.

Whatever she did, it was going to hurt.

Getting to the front of the line, Hanna climbed into the
yellow taxi, pulling her bag in behind her. The black vinyl seat was cold
against her skin, and her eyes automatically met the driver’s in his rear-view
mirror.

“Where to?”

“Financial district. Corner of Pine and Nassau.”

“Maxwell Enterprises?” the driver clarified.

“Yes, that’s correct.” Hanna prayed that Ruby had managed to
sort out her security pass as promised. If she had to call up to Lisa to get it
sorted out, Hanna had the feeling she might bolt.

The journey was mercifully long. The streets were a tangle
of cars and trucks, fumes angrily pumping out as vehicles remained stationary.
Hanna sat back and listened to the music coming out of the cab’s stereo system,
allowing the regular rhythm to calm her heart. In the years since she’d been
here last, it looked like the taxis had been upgraded. There was a screen
showing their exact location, occasionally interrupted by advertisements for
local companies. Their slow progress was clear to see as she followed the
flashing red dot along the streets.

It was 3:00 p.m. local time when the cab pulled up on Pine.
Hanna handed the driver sixty dollars, telling him to keep the change, and then
opened the door, stepping out onto the street. The sounds didn’t seem as
jarring as they used to—perhaps her year of living here had inured her to the
cacophony. The familiar smell of exhaust fumes and food carts assaulted her
nose in a delicious way.

Her confidence seemed to have returned. In her skinny jeans
and black t-shirt she was out of place amongst the grey suits, but rather than
feeling inferior, she smiled a little, remembering that her own work seemed so
much more fulfilling, and allowed her to stay at home with her son. In
comparison the workers seemed like prisoners; their uniforms may have been
classier and made-to-measure, but they were just as caged as a murderer in San
Quentin.

Security was surprisingly easy. Her name was on the list,
and a pass had already been printed for her. She clipped it to the waistband of
her jeans and headed for the bathroom, needing to give herself one final
glance-over before she went up to his office.

When she emerged—make-up touched up and hair calmed—Hanna
made her way toward the bank of elevators at the corner of the lobby. She’d
been here a few times before; when she was dating Richard before her mum died,
and then later, when she was living in Manhattan. This time felt different. The
walls seemed closer together, the elevator more ominous. Maybe it was she who
had changed, rather than the building.

Pausing outside the door to the outer office, she took a
deep breath to bolster her resolve. Squaring her shoulders, she reached her
hand out to push the handle down, rearranging her features into a neutral,
unreadable expression.

Then she walked in.

“Hanna?” Lisa’s face indicated her confusion. The other two
administrators in the room glanced up, their keyboard-tapping momentarily
paused as their faces betrayed their interest. They must have been new; Hanna
didn’t recognize them.

“Hello, Lisa. How are you?” She’d always liked Richard’s
assistant.

“I’m good, thank you. And you?”

Hanna tried to smile. “Fine. Is Richard available?”

“He’s in meetings all afternoon. I don’t think he was
expecting you.” Lisa’s response was polite as always. Her expression indicated
her regret.

“I’m his three-thirty. Ruby booked the appointment for me.”

“Oh, that will explain it. I’ll let him know you’re here.”

Hanna wanted to back right out of the room and hotfoot it
back to JFK. Was she ready for this? She hadn’t seen him for so long.
Everything about the situation made her nerves tingle. The light feeling of
nausea that swirled around her stomach intensified. If she wasn’t careful, she
was going to be sick.

You are in control, she reminded herself. Tell him the news,
give him a chance to digest it, and get out.

She wasn’t going to panic; she wasn’t going to lose control.
Hanna kept her breathing steady, even as her heart began to race. The last
thing she needed was to collapse in his outer office.

“You can go in.” Lisa’s voice brought her back to the
present.

“Can I leave my bag here?” Hanna indicated her small
carry-on bag. Lisa took it with a smile, and gestured toward Richard’s door.

This was it.

Was she ready? Would she ever be? The only thing she knew
for sure was that she owed it to Richard, and to Matty, to tell him the truth.
She’d just have to deal with the fallout. One foot in front of the other, she
crossed the room until she reached his door, her eyes caressing the familiar
dark oak, fingers reaching out to let herself in.

Hanna pushed the door open, the hinges creaking lightly
under the pressure. The room had been redecorated at some point in the past
year or two, the cream walls repainted a paler white, the furniture replaced
with sleeker, modern lines. It made her sad to realize that life had gone on
without her. How would Richard react when he discovered just how life had
continued without him?

“What are you doing here?”

Richard was leaning on his desk, ankles crossed, his arms
folded firmly in front of his chest. His suit jacket hung on a stand behind him.
Though she tried not to look, she couldn’t help but follow the lines of his
clothes all the way down his body.

He had filled out nicely since she had last seen him. The
thin cotton of his shirt clung to his biceps, skimming his taut abdomen as it
tucked into his dress pants. His hips were still lean and tight, and she closed
her eyes as she tried not to remember how they had felt between her thighs, as
he had moved inside her, breathing softly in her ear, as she had moaned and
whimpered and—

She shook her head. She wasn’t standing in his large, oak-paneled
office just to take a trip down memory lane, as pleasant as that might be. She
had flown here, over three thousand miles, to tell him what he deserved to
know.

Inappropriate laughter bubbled up in her throat as she
considered the ridiculous melodrama of the situation. Her 17-year-old self
would be rolling her eyes, wondering how this 29-year-old woman had managed to
turn a seemingly promising life into a soap opera.

She glanced up at his face, looking at his lips, which had
turned down into a deep scowl. His eyes had narrowed beneath his brows, and his
straight, patrician nose was slightly crinkled in response to her presence.

The contempt he felt toward her was radiating from him.

Hanna tried to keep her breathing steady, reminding herself
that although she was in
his
office, on the penthouse floor of
his
building, this was
her
show.

She was in control.

If he viewed her with contempt now, God only knew how he
would feel once he’d heard what she had to say. He had been an integral part of
her life for so long—as a friend, a confidante, even a lover—but never before
did he have the power to break her.

“As nice as it is to see you,” he drawled, the tone of his
voice making it patently clear that her being in his office was anything but
nice, “I have a meeting in five minutes. Exactly what is it that you want?”

He had no idea, but this was it. Time to open her mouth and
tell him what he needed to hear. Her arms suddenly felt heavy, and her fingers
trembled, a physical manifestation of her nervousness. Her laughter was
replaced by something more unsettling as she tried to take in a deep breath and
form the words that she had traveled all this way to say.

Her tongue darted out to moisten her lips. She watched his
gaze move down to her mouth. He stared at her with dark eyes, watching as her
teeth drew in her bottom lip.

“Richard.” Her voice was surprisingly strong. She could do
this. She could tell him the truth, and then get the hell out of here.

Back on a plane.

Back home.

Back to
him
.

“Richard, we had a baby.”

The silence that followed was palpable. Hanna could almost
taste Richard’s confusion as she watched expressions flitting across his face.
She had done what she came here to do—had told him the truth—and now she was
preparing herself for the fallout.

Richard remained frozen. She wondered if she should repeat
herself. Her feet shuffled beneath her, wanting to move toward him, to get her
close enough to touch him.

That kind of thought was dangerous.

“We
had
a baby?” he repeated. Hanna realized her
mistake. In her desperation to get the news out, she hadn’t thought her words
through.

“We
have
a baby, well he’s a toddler now, but he was
a baby. Once.” Damn it, she was babbling now, her nerves shining through. It
took every ounce of effort she had to meet his eyes. Her body recoiled when she
saw the anger and confusion radiating from them.

“What the hell is going on?” He frowned, the deep creases in
his forehead emerging as he tried to absorb her news. “I don’t understand what
you’re saying.”

She realized she needed to show him proof, rather than try
to explain. Her hands were shaking again, but she managed to control herself
enough to pull her cell from her pocket, trying to steady her fingers as she
pulled up her photos.

“When I left New York in 2010, I was pregnant. I didn’t
realize it then, in fact I didn’t find out for a few months, but the last time
we were together, we made a baby.” Her voice lingered over the final words. She
still found the fact amazing.

“Are you certain he’s mine?”
His question was legitimate, but it still cut her to the quick. “Absolutely.”