First Love: A Superbundle Boxed Set of Seven New Adult Romances (170 page)

I only wish I knew. If I knew, I could start to try to unravel it, and maybe things could go back to how they were before.

You tell the group: Things were so much easier when we were just Arion and Angel in game, huh?

Arion tells the group: You’re still my Angel. That hasn’t changed.

Tears are streaming down my face, as relief overwhelms my heart. I don’t know how to answer that because what can I even say that can compare? My silence must worry him because my cell phone rings.

“I’m here,” I whisper after hitting talk.

His voice is thick with emotion. “I was afraid I’d lost you.”

Does he mean in game or in real life? “Never.”
 

I mean in both.

Things aren’t fixed yet, not by a long shot. But just knowing he and I can still talk, I feel the spark of hope and I know there is a chance I can fix the damage I’ve done.

“Baby, don’t cry,” he pleads with me. “I want to make you do a lot of things, but crying isn’t one of them. Can I come up there and dry your tears?”

I suck in a sharp breath, knowing I don’t deserve this man. Not yet, anyway. But I want to. “Soon, Arion. I promise, soon. Let me finish sorting myself out a little bit, and then we’ll start over. You and me. We need to take it slow, and I need to work on trusting you again. You don’t know how much you scared me.”

He sighs, and I think he’s going to argue.
 

“Okay, Angel. If that’s what you need. I’ll wait for you.”

Just the fact that he’s willing to respect my wishes and not push helps more than he could possibly imagine. I never want to have to fight for the freedom to make my own choices again, and I think he’s starting to understand that. Thinking of Nick, and fighting, brings Johanna back to the forefront of my mind, and I tell Arion what I learned.

He asks again if I want him to come up here to the farm, thinking maybe I’d feel safer if I knew he was close. I would, but then I wouldn’t know if I could be all right on my own. I can’t let my sense of safety be tied to him or I will forever be dependent on him.

The last thing he said to me before we hung up warms me as I lie in bed with Molly later that night. “Sleep well, Angel. I know I will, because you’re the thing my dreams are made of.”

For the first night since arriving at the farm, I do sleep well, holding onto thoughts of talking to Arion again tomorrow. We made plans to meet again in game, and I almost believe things are about to go back to normal.

Forty

Angel

Chelsea gives me a knowing smile the next morning. We hadn’t planned to go riding together until later in the week, but she showed up this morning and demanded we change our plans, citing something about her schedule at the bar changing, so this would be the only day she could come.

It isn’t like I mind. I’m looking forward to our ride; I only wish Lexi had been able to join us.

“Spill,” Chelsea says, and that’s all the encouragement I need.
 

My talk with Arion last night is a smothered flame, begging for the breath of life that comes from gushing with a girlfriend. I might internally combust if I don’t talk about it. “Axel and I talked last night.” Heat spreads across my face with my smile, and I know I must look like a lovesick moron. Considering I
am
a lovesick moron, I figure that’s fine.

Chelsea guides her mount, a cute little chestnut mare, right alongside my dappled gray gelding. “And? Come on Angel, don’t make me drag it out of you.”

“It was nice. I’m not sure what has changed, but he wasn’t as pushy and he seemed more understanding of me needing to take things slow.” Nice is an understatement. For the first time since I’ve arrived, I felt like he was the Arion I knew before I came here. He didn’t hide his feelings, but he didn’t make any demands of me, either. It gives me hope for us.

She’s nodding like a proud instructor. “About damn time. I told him to just tell you how he felt but to actually shut up and listen to how you feel, too. I figured he’d get it right eventually.”

I can’t help chuckling. The forest rises tall around us, and beneath the heavy shade, the day is exceptionally pleasant. I’m just not sure if it’s from my mood or the weather, but either way I’m not complaining. A vaguely cleared trail winds through the underbrush, eventually dumping us onto a meadow by a small pond.
 

Chelsea says this is the best place to eat the lunch we packed, and I have to agree. The horses graze nearby while we spread our plaid blanket and sit beneath a perfect sky. Sunlight bathes my shoulders and turns Chelsea’s hair to spun gold as the water laps a soft lullaby in the reeds at the end of the pond. Arion and I were online together until past midnight, and I can totally see myself falling asleep out here.

“Has Axel ever mentioned his mother to you?” Chelsea’s expression is uncharacteristically guarded.

“Not really. I asked once, and all he said was he didn’t really remember her.” I pull a Thermos of iced coffee out of my bag then unwrap my sandwich.

“Oh, bullshit.” Chelsea shakes her head and lets out an exasperated sigh.

A black hole of doubt balls in my stomach, marring my contentment as I realize that I’m not the only one who has been keeping secrets. “I’m guessing there’s a lot more to that story.”
 

“He’s such an idiot. I can’t believe he didn’t tell you.” Chelsea flounces back on our picnic blanket, laying one arm across her face to shield from the sun.
 

I look away, off across the pond, wondering if the pursuit of Arion’s secrets is worth the risk of finding out something he doesn’t want revealed. At the same time, I’m trying not to give in to the jealous ache that’s settled in my heart. Chelsea knows so much more of him than I do. “As much as you’ve piqued my interest, maybe he doesn’t want me to know.”

“The problem is, you need to know. Or you should. If you did, it would help you understand the way he behaves sometimes.” Chelsea lifts her head, squinting at me.

The sun is warm on my back, but fear is cold in my heart. He and I are so close to moving forward, I don’t want to make another stupid choice that jerks us back. I’m torn between wanting to respect his privacy and wanting to understand him. My recent anger after he invaded my privacy is an unavoidable reminder of just how much damage an innocent choice can do. “I’ll ask him. We’re supposed to meet in game tonight, and I’ll ask him then.”

“Are you sure you don’t just want me to tell you?” Her face scrunches up, as she looks at me like I’ve grown a third eye. “It would save you both so much trouble.”

I shake my head, staying firm. “No, it has to be up to him.”

“Fine.” She sighs. “Just be patient with him. He’s never going to tell you how much it hurt him when you disappeared. He barely got out of bed for weeks.”

“I don’t understand why. Don’t get me wrong, we were close, but I don’t think that we ever talked seriously about taking our relationship from game to real life. It was all about fun and having a good time.” I take a large swallow of my coffee before tucking the Thermos back into my bag.

“Yet you showed up here. No matter what you told yourself, I think you knew it was more. Deep down.”

She’s right, even if I don’t want to admit it. Arion was always more than just a guy in game, but I constantly told myself that was all he was because that’s all I thought it could ever be. The thought of picking up my life and moving across the country didn’t seem realistic. So I settled for what I could have. “Maybe.”

“For him though—and you’ll understand more after he tells you about his mom, and seriously Angel, you have to make him—you were his safety net. He didn’t let people in, at all. At least not girls. And then you all got close, and we didn’t understand it either. We thought he was nuts—so hung up on some girl from a game. Sorry.”

“No offense taken.” It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. Unless someone has built a friendship or more from online, they never really understand how close it is possible to be.

“But at the same time, it was nice to see him opening up. I think he thought you were safe, because he didn’t expect to fall for you without having ever met you. But make no mistake: he did. It’s like you found a back door to his heart that no one else had. He’d barricaded the front, but you found another way.”

“That’s really profound.” I’m constantly struck by how much more to Chelsea there is than I first suspected. She may be all on the surface, but she’s also all heart, and her heart runs deep. I suspect she’s smarter than she wants people to know. From what Arion’s said, her mom pretty much expects her to find a sugar daddy and has tried to shove her in that role. I’m starting to see Chelsea could fill any role she set her mind to.

“I’m a bartender. It’s my job to dispense advice and sound like I know what I’m talking about. Even if I’m just making it up as I go along. I’m like the world’s most underpaid shrink.” Chelsea starts shoving her stuff into her bag, packing away the remnants of our picnic.

I giggle. “Well, Dr. Chelsea, do you think there is hope for me and Axel? Or are we both just too screwed up to ever love each other?”

Chelsea’s thoughtful gaze is filled with a mixture of amusement and scorn. “You’re asking the wrong question. It isn’t a matter of ‘can you love each other?’ It’s a matter of ‘can you both recognize and admit that you already do?’”

Forty One

Angel

Arion and I made plans for him to come visit on Monday. It will be a week since I’ve seen him, but we’ve met in game each night this week and I’ve managed not to pry. If I’m going to ask the hard questions, I think we should be in person. He offered to come over the weekend, but I know the weekends are when he’s busiest at the bar, so I told him I could wait.

I’ve only regretted that decision once or twice... once or twice an hour, that is. The nights are especially lonely as I lie in his room, surrounded by him, yet assaulted with his absence.

I just need to survive two more days without seeing him. Not that I’m counting down or anything.

I need to start this new chapter for us by apologizing.

And I will, in two more excruciatingly long days.

Lexi and I finished up the stalls early this afternoon, and we’d thought about taking a ride, but the humidity is brutal. She said she might come over this evening if the weather lightens a bit. I’m not too disappointed, that only means I get to play with Arion before he has to go down to the bar for the evening rush. He’s been so eager to spend time together the last few days, I’ve had to shoo him away to work. I don’t want him neglecting the bar for me.
 

Of course, if Lexi doesn’t come, that means I have to do turnout on my own. It’s so brutally hot today that we kept the horses in, and we’ll turn them out overnight.
 

My phone beeps as I sit at the desk to log into game for a few hours. I glance at it, expecting it to be Lexi and gape at the words on the screen. The world begins spinning around me, and I fight for breath, trying to calm the rebellious panic storming within me.
 

See you soon.

My phone lists the sender as unknown, but I recognize Nick’s number and my heart recognizes the threat. I need Arion, and I need him now. The phone wobbles in my hand as I punch the speed dial he programmed for me.

“Hey, Angel, you going to be in game soon?” Any other day his light, welcoming tone would warm me.

“He found me,” I manage to choke out. “Arion, he’s coming.” My eyes dart around the room, like I’m expecting Nick to crash through the wall at any moment.
 

“What? Angel, slow down and explain.” I hear a flurry of activity rustling through the phone on his end.

Nothing about this feels slow. He found me so soon… I think I always expected him to catch up with me eventually, but I thought I’d have more time. “Nick texted me. He knows my number and probably where I’m at.”

“Okay, it’s okay. Everything will be okay.”
 

I’m pretty sure he’s trying to convince himself as much as me. I’m beyond convincing. “I’m scared.” I choke back a sob, and Molly nuzzles against my hand.

“Listen to me, right now. I need you to do something, okay?” His previous hesitancy is gone, and now Arion is calm and in control. “Take Molly with you and go out the back door of the house, the one in the mudroom. Head straight toward the woods, and you’ll see a trail. Follow that through the woods until you get to the guest cottage.”

“Guest cottage?” Even as I question him, I know I’ll comply, if for no other reason than I don’t know what else
to
do. The halls of the large farmhouse are empty and full of shadows that play tricks on my mind as I work my way downstairs.

“Just trust me and do it. I need to make another call; I’ll talk to you shortly.” He hangs up with a click, and the sudden absence of his voice makes room for the immobilizing fear to return.

Molly is scratching at the back door, and I swear she is the smartest, most determined dog I’ve ever seen. Her leash hangs by the door, so I clip it on. I know she won’t wander far, but right now I don’t want her to wander at all. I have no idea why Arion wanted me to go to the guest cottage and I wish he would have answered before he hung up, but for now I’ll just have to trust him.

The path is easier to find than I thought it would be. An overhanging branch conceals the opening until you are almost right on top of it, but once you are, it’s obvious. At least it’s well-cleared, and the tiny cottage comes in view after only a few minutes of walking in the sweltering heat that isn’t much lessened by the shade of the forest. Unlike the rest of the buildings on the property, this one hasn’t been updated to the new stonework facade.

It looks almost like a tiny log cabin, and I’d definitely think it was cute and quaint if I wasn’t so scared and irritated. Why did Arion send me to a log cabin in the woods? Molly begins barking frantically and straining at the end of the leash. If her ass wiggles any more, I think it might disconnect from the rest of her body. The wooden door opens, and then it’s me straining toward the door. I break into a run, throwing myself into Arion’s arms as Molly jumps energetically at his legs.