Finding the Blood Assassin [Lords of the Expanse 3] (Siren Publishing Allure) (8 page)

She reached out a hand, lightning fast, and grabbed his in a tight grip. “Don’t leave me, please, Raven?” she asked softly. “Talk to me?” She licked her lips nervously and added, “I love to listen to you talk, Raven. I want to know more about you.” She wanted something to hold onto on the cold nights when he sent her away. She wanted warm memories to keep tucked away for all times when he cut her out of his life.

His lip curled in a mocking manner, but at least he sat down once more. “If you wish company, Jamison, you don’t need to lie to me to get it. I will stay if that is what you want, but spare me the niceties that you think I need to hear,” he told her a little sharply. His expression twisted slightly. He actually believed what he said to her.

“I’m not generally an overly nice person, Raven. I don’t gloss over with niceties as so many ladies likely would. My father raised me to be honest at all times and I am. I love your voice.” She touched his cheek. “When you talk to me, I—” She made a face. She was really going to regret giving him this next part. “When you talk to me, I feel my soul perking up. You touch a part of me that I never knew lived, Raven.”

She was lying. No one, female especially, had ever said such things to him, and it hurt that she’d say something she knew was hurtful. “As you say,” he told her quietly, dropping his gaze from her. Shrugging, he shifted. “Matters not.” And it didn’t, or rather, it shouldn’t, but he found it did because it was her.

“You don’t believe me.” She rubbed the hand he released against her chest. “I tell you the truth of my soul, and you don’t believe me. That hurts,” she whispered quietly. “It hurts that you think I would lie to you when I have been nothing but brutally honest since I met you.” Her face turned pink, but not from embarrassment, he realized. Anger was more likely.

“I even told you about my most intimate of thoughts, simply because you asked them of me, you asked me for them. I hope that you never have to feel this pain, Raven.”

Stilling at her words, he stared at her for a moment and then, against his better judgment, put his hand over hers where it lay at her breast. “I never meant to hurt you, Jamison,” he murmured softly, stroking her fingers lightly. Taking the hand, he pulled it to his mouth and pressed a kiss to her palm. “Never did I mean to cause you pain.” He let out a breath against her skin as he closed his eyes for a moment and took pleasure in the feel of her skin before he lifted his head. “I should go. I will bring you nothing but more pain.” He’d said it but he couldn’t seem to move.

“And by leaving you bring me the worst of pains,” she whispered and closed her eyes. Shaking her head, she leaned back into the pillow. “Do as you wish, Raven. I can’t convince you to stay. Will you tell me something first, though?” she asked, opening her eyes to watch him once more. “One day, one day when you believe that you are worth loving, will you find me?”

She was dismissing him and he knew it, recognized it. Standing, he walked to the door before he answered her. Turning slightly, he looked to her and smiled faintly. “I’m not worthy of anything but your scorn and hatred, my lady. But for a moment there, I actually believed I might, just possibly, have been worthy of your love. Silly wasn’t it?” he asked before the pain of that possible pleasure and the loss swept over his face. “Be well, Jamison, I will always remember you,” he whispered and then silently, sadly, left her in his bed even though he’d rather join her.

Letting her head fall back, she wanted to scream and instead called out to him, knowing he would hear her. “And if I said that I already loved you, Raven, would you throw that away?” She watched the door carefully, saw his shadow, and knew he was listening. “I do. I love you, Raven. I’m not supposed to, and I know you don’t want me to, but I’ve loved you since that first day. Something just clicked inside of me when you pulled me close to you on that ship. I could never hate you.” She felt her tears trying to fall once more. “I just spent four days in hell because I wouldn’t give you up.” She knew he would never believe her, and even if he did find her there she knew he would never believe she didn’t give his secret location. “I gave my blood for you.” She’d never done that for anyone. “But you will never be able to love me.” It took every ounce of her willpower to stand, and once up she wavered unsteadily. “So I won’t burden you, my lord.” She wrapped one of his shirts around her body and then his robe, it would have to do until she made her ship, which, if the fates were with her, was still cloaked in the clearing two days north.

He shook his head and moved back into the room. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asked as he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her to a stop. “Just stop, Jamison,” he said against her ear as she tried to pull away. “Do you really think I’d let you walk out of here in your current condition? Or after what you just said?” he asked softly, holding her back against his front. He was rubbing his chin to her hair, the stubble catching slightly in the soft strands. “I don’t even know what this mythical love is,” he said next, his voice even softer than before. “I’ve seen it, I suppose, to a degree. But do you honestly believe I could ever learn something as gentle as that after meeting my mother? After seeing what I do for a living?” he asked, his hold loosening around her so she could pull away if she wanted.

She turned instead of moving from him. Her arms wrapped around his middle as she looked up and hugged him a little closer. “Especially because of that, Raven.” She lay her head on his chest and listened to his heart beating a steady, even rhythm. “Love is when you care more for the other person than yourself. You are willing to give up anything you have to in order to keep them happy, keep them safe. When their smile means more than your next breath.” She paused for a moment before continuing. “Or when you are willing to accept their torture rather than allow them to be placed in that position.” She didn’t want him to love her because of what she’d done. She wanted him to come to the realization that he had it within him to love, completely and fully. “I hope you figure out about it one day, Raven, it’s a beautiful thing. Especially in our society where everything is so cool, so clinical and warlike. One day I hope you will find it and know the truth of what I’m saying.”

Raising a hand, he carefully and gently cupped her head, as if holding her to him. His other arm moved to hold her in a gentle hug. “I don’t know if that is in the cards for me, Jamison,” he murmured, lowering his head to rest his chin to her hair again, the pressure on her skull light. “Some of us are not to be blessed with such a gift. We are cursed at birth and then continuously throughout life. What if one such as I am not to ever know love?” he asked before lifting his head, tipping up her chin, and shaking his head. Clearing his throat, he stroked her hair slowly. “You should get back into bed, my lady. You need to rest and recover from your ordeal.”

“Will you hold me for a while?” she asked without letting him go. “And you are the only one who can figure out what love is. I can give you definitions of it, examples of it, but you’re the only one who will ever know if it really is that mystical and elusive thing or not.” Her arms went lax slightly before she let him go, her arms falling away. “Just hold me for a little while? I’m not ready for anything more than that, but I feel better when you’re holding me.”

He wanted to laugh, actually laugh at her words. No one liked him to touch them or be close to them. He made others uncomfortable and yet she was asking for more. Nodding since he couldn’t refuse her, he urged her toward the bed, her words playing in his mind as he tried to comprehend love. Pulling the blankets back, he got her into the bed and then covered her before he moved around to the other side and settled at her side on top of the blankets. Opening his arms, he pulled her close to him as he wrapped them around her.

She turned in his arms so that she faced him and laid her head on his shoulder, her arms around his waist. She sighed and rubbed her cheek to his chest. “I need to sleep more, I need to feed, but that part will wait. For now, sleeping in your arms is what I need more than anything else.”

“If you want to feed—” He paused and then sighed softly, his breath ruffling her hair. “You are welcome to take from me, my lady, if you so wish.” He regretted his offer almost immediately and tensed for the rejection he knew would come. He’d offered to others and been refused. He knew why. None wanted to be tainted from taking from him. He shouldn’t have offered. He should have just kept his mouth shut, but now that it was out he braced for the refusal.

She pulled back and looked up and into his eyes. “Thank you, Raven. As long as you’re sure?” At his nod she leaned back in and nuzzled against his neck, her hands clenching and unclenching before smoothing up his chest, back down, and holding onto him. “I’ve never fed from someone before, Raven. I’ve only ever had bagged blood.” Her words were rougher now with her teeth fully extended. “It’s right, that it’s you that’s my first, at least for something.” She finished speaking and then sank her teeth into his neck deeply, drinking down his blood with a moan.

He meant to ask what she’d meant about firsts, but the small sting of her teeth had his mind blanking out. Lifting his hand, he cupped her head to him as he pulled her closer, even as he tried to remember the damage that had been done to her. His body and his instincts were not listening to his mind. Sliding his free hand down, he cupped her bottom and pulled her up farther against his body as his hips lifted slightly to grind his sudden erection against her.

She shivered when she felt his cock pressing against her and whimpered in need. She drank deeply from him, taking as much as she could without hurting him before removing her fang, now only having one because of the torture she had endured, and sealing the wound. She licked the side of his neck and kissed it, and then as she gyrated her hips against his hard cock, she shook her head. “I can’t, Raven.” She wanted to, god help her she wanted him, but she hurt still. She hurt deep up inside of her where terrible things happened. “Not yet, Raven, not yet.”

Her words seemed to break the spell over him and he froze, his whole body stilling so that even his chest didn’t expand as he breathed. Letting her ass go, he dropped his hand and ground his teeth together loud enough she could actually hear it. “I apologize, my lady, I was obviously not thinking.” Still stiff, he lay there as she adjusted herself against him slowly and carefully.

“I need you to hold me, Raven. I’m sorry I had to stop you but please, don’t pull from me.” Looking up and into his eyes with her trust there for him, and only him, she told him, “I love you, Raven. When I’m healed I will need your help healing the wounds that the sleep of our kind won’t. Only you can help me chase away the nightmares, ensure that the darkness never comes back.”

Wrapping his arms around her, he held her close like she’d asked. “Don’t apologize for protecting yourself even from me,” he told her softly. “Sleep now, Jamison, you need it too much to keep putting it off.” He shifted her around, turning his own body into a protective position. Something that she was very sure he didn’t even realize he was doing. He was placing his body in a place to keep any from her and be the first to be injured should an attack come.

She nodded her agreement and looked up at him a moment before pressing her lips to his. “I love you, Raven. If I weren’t still healing the internal injuries, I wouldn’t have stopped you.” She pulled back to readjust herself in his arms, and as she lay there holding onto him, she fell asleep where she belonged, in his bed, in his arms.

“I doubt that,” he murmured once she was asleep. He knew that as soon as she’d remembered who he was, she’d have run. He wasn’t a gentleman. He never had been and he never would be. When he took lovers, they all knew of his darker needs and were willing to try it at least once. Stroking her hair lightly, he buried his face in her neck and breathed her in. Her scent was soft, delicate, and fit her perfectly. Closing his eyes, he rubbed his nose to her skin before relaxing and letting her warm, soft body help him to sleep.

Chapter 8

When she woke the next morning, there wasn’t as much pain in her body, just a bit of a throb here and there. But her belly was definitely feeling pain, hunger pains she realized. She was still wrapped in Raven’s arms as she stirred. Jami felt him lightly caressing her back, stroking her gently. She moved her hands so that she could touch his cheek and whispered to him. “It’s a new day, I’m awake and yet here I am still in your arms.” Leaning in, she pressed a kiss to his cheek. “And I still love you,” she added, knowing she’d have to say it often for him to truly believe her.

His body jolted at her words, breaking the silence. It took a moment, but he finally drew back so their eyes met. “How are you feeling today, my lady?” he asked politely. He was ignoring what she’d said, and she knew exactly which part he’d discounted, the slightly stiff words telling her more than if he’d spoken it aloud.

She sighed and looked at him. “I slept well, thank you for asking, my lord. I feel slightly better, and when I move its not hurting me or slicing through me painfully.”

“That is good,” he said softly as he watched her, his eyes moving over her face. Then he frowned slightly and tipped his head, an odd expression flitting over his face before it vanished like it never was. She wanted to say guilt, but that couldn’t be right. “Do you feel up to getting up for a meal, or should I get something brought up for you?” he asked gently, moving his hand to touch her cheek.

“I believe that I should likely get up and move so that I can start to work the kinks and pains out of my body.” She paused and looked up at him, the hurt and pain was there, she knew it was all over her face. “So that I can get out of your hair, my lord.” A tear fell, followed by another. “I’m sorry that I’ve taken up so much of your time and space, my lord. However, I will be gone as soon as I’m able to.”