Fat Cat (24 page)

My voice was shaking now. I'm not good with anger. I usually skip right on to crying.

"Remember that,
Matt?
And then you told him you didn't even think I should have won. And then you and Willie made fun of my
project. And the two of you were just so
happy
together, weren't you? And meanwhile Amanda and I were standing right there at the side of your booth and I thought I was going to throw up."

Matt's expression had changed. He wasn't so smug anymore. He stood there, arms crossed, still gazing off to the side.

"I thought you
liked
me, Matt. I thought we were friends--that you were my
best
friend. But it was all a lie. You were just a disgusting, worthless traitor."

I fought hard to control myself. I would not let him see me be weak.

Matt's voice was low and calm. "I was thirteen, Cat."

"So was I! And I
never
would have done that to you!" And now I couldn't help it--tears streamed down my face. "I trusted you! How could you do that to me?"

"I don't know," he said softly.

"But you don't deny it!"

"No."

Somehow that made me feel even worse. I didn't realize until then that I'd almost been hoping it was all in my imagination. I knew it wasn't, but hearing him admit it made the whole thing feel real and horrible again in a way I wasn't expecting.

"Why?" I asked. "Can you just tell me that?"

Matt started to say something, then stopped and shook his head. "I don't know. I was thirteen. Kids say things."

"I
never
would have said that about you! I
liked
you. A lot."

I was really crying now, much to my humiliation. This wasn't at all the way it was supposed to go. I was supposed to be strong, fierce, free. And Matt was supposed to apologize.

I noticed he still hadn't.

"Are you even sorry?" I asked.

"Yes."

The answer sort of surprised me. I didn't know what else to say.

"Are we done here?" Matt asked.

I couldn't believe he was so cold. I wiped my nose on my sleeve. "Yes," I snapped. "Sorry to take up so much of your valuable time."

I set off at the best pace my boots could carry me. I walked the full length of the street before looking back.

Matt was already gone.

69

T
here was a letter stuck to my front door this morning
.

Cat--

I WILL be at the front entrance to the zoo at 1:00 this afternoon. Come if you want
.

MM

"What do you think it means?" I asked Amanda (emergency call).

"It means he feels terribly, terribly guilty. You caught him off guard yesterday, and now that he's had time to prepare, he's ready to talk to you."

"And say what?"

"'You misunderstood,' or, 'I was on cold medication that day'--who knows? But aren't you dying to find out?"

"No."

"Cat, come on! This is finally your chance to force Matt McKinney to apologize to you after all these years. I'm telling you, I'd drive a thousand miles if I knew my enemy was about to fess up how he'd hurt me."

"I just don't know if I can go through it all again. Yesterday was really bad. I was a mess."

"So today you go there at one, looking like a total knockout, and you hold your head high and you say, 'I believe you have something to say to me?' and then you just stand there and listen. You don't have to speak another word. And when he's done, you can just turn and walk away. Very classy. I think I'm going to hide somewhere and watch."

"You are not," I said firmly. "I can't do this if I know you're around."

"Come on, Kit Cat, be strong. This may finally be the moment you've been waiting for--Matt McKinney contrite and begging."

"Somehow I don't see that."

"Okay," Amanda said, "then how about at least contrite?"

"That would be nice."

"I'm coming over to do your makeup."

70

I
purposely arrived late
. About ten minutes. I thought about making it longer, but I was afraid he would think I wasn't coming and he'd just leave.

Okay, I looked
remarkable
. Amanda made me try on more outfits than Barbie until she was satisfied I made the right "statement."

Here's my statement: hair down and straightened, black turtleneck we bought on our clothing spree at the start of my secret Phase II project, dark-wash jeans that fit me
perfectly
, my black boots. Amanda said with my dark hair and the black turtleneck and my dark glasses, I looked like a spy. No purse, she decided, because purses make you look weak and girly. I needed my arms free so I could stand tall and confident with my hands on my hips like a warrior or an assassin.

She made me practice that.

Matt was waiting near the entrance to the zoo. I walked within a few feet of him and struck my pose.

"What's this about?" I said.

He didn't answer, but turned to the ticket window and paid for two. Then he walked through the gates without even a glance back. I waited a few seconds, then followed.

To the right was the zoo cafe (kind of an unappetizing thought), where a bunch of parents and children and teenagers sat at the small tables eating ice cream (in January?) and nachos. Matt chose the path just to the left of the cafe and kept on walking. I followed.

As the path crooked around we came to a chain-link enclosure, bordered all around with tall bamboo stalks. Inside the enclosure were palm fronds and thick ropes and a plastic version of a tire swing.

Matt stopped before the cage. And still said nothing.

I stood a reasonable distance away from him and gazed at what he wanted me to see: three monkeys the size of toddlers, with dark sable coats and white faces. Their hands and feet were white, too, like they were wearing gloves.

"Yeah," I said, "so?"

Matt answered, "This is my project."

A few seconds ticked by. "I don't understand."

"I'm paying you back," he said.

I still didn't understand. "You brought me here to show me monkeys?"

"They're apes," he said, "but yes."

"And that's supposed to make up for everything?"

I stared at him for a moment, then realized this whole thing was just a big joke to him. I turned and started back toward the entrance.

Matt followed. "Cat, if you'd just let me explain--"

"I don't care about your stupid project, you idiot. You don't get it at all, do you?"

"I'm trying to--" Matt had to take a few extra steps to catch up
with me. My boots are really awesome. It's like they give me an extra six inches of leg.

Matt tried again. "I thought if I shared with you the secret of my project, you'd realize--"

I spun to face him. "Realize what? That you're a scientific genius? Am I supposed to be impressed?"

"No," he said quietly, "realize that you can trust me again."

I was breathing hard by now, because no matter how awesome the boots were, it was still my body having to keep up with them. Plus I was pretty keyed up from the whole experience.

"I'm never going to trust you, Matt. You ruined that. You were supposed to be my best friend back then. Why should I ever trust you again? What's the point?"

"So you're really going to hold this against me the rest of my life?"

"You haven't even apologized!" "I'm trying to," he said.

"Well, try harder. Because monkeys or apes aren't going to do it. You hurt me, Matt--deeply. Telling me what you're working on for the science fair isn't really going to make up for that, now is it?"

I turned and took off again, and this time Matt didn't follow. Fine. We'd said all we had to say--at least I had. It didn't surprise me that he couldn't come up with a decent apology. He had stepped over the line. You don't get to fix that.

I was almost to my car (yes, I drove. I wanted my hair and everything to look perfect. So sue me) when I heard Matt call my name. I thought about ignoring him, but then curiosity made me turn around and wait.

He did a semi-jog up to meet me. He stopped about four feet away. I glared at him with defiance.

"What, Matt? Did you come up with something? Some explanation for why you were such a piece of--"

"I'm sorry," he said. "Cat, I'm so, so sorry. I don't know why I said it. I honestly don't."

"I do. It's because you were embarrassed of me. I was so ugly you didn't even want people to think we were friends."

"No," he said, "that's not it at all."

"Then why?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I was just a stupid kid. Willie was getting in my face, and--I don't know. I just said it."

I chuffed out a breath and turned to put my key in the lock. When I looked up again, he was right beside me.

"Cat, you have to believe me--I really miss you. I've missed you for a long time."

"Well, then, your loss, huh?" I said bravely.

He clasped my arm. A charge went through me. Almost as serious as when Nick touched that same arm.

I shook off Matt's hand. "You don't get it, do you? What you did was unforgivable. It's the worst thing anyone has ever done to me in my entire life." I hadn't planned on confessing this, but my mouth was on a roll. "I really liked you, Matt.
A lot
. As in, a deep and serious crush. As in, I actually thought I was in love. Did you even know that?"

He looked sufficiently shocked. "No."

"What did you think I was doing, then? Hanging out with you all the time, following you wherever you wanted to go--did you think it was just because I wanted to be your pal? Like I was a boy?"

"I didn't--I was thirteen--"

"Stop saying that!" I said. "It's no excuse. If I was old enough to like you that much, the least you could have done was not say all
those horrible things behind my back. Even if you didn't know I liked you that way, you were still supposed to be my friend. I'll never get over what you did."

"Is that true?" he asked. "Never?"

"It's too late. You ruined it." I got into my car.

Matt stood off to the side and let me back up. I half expected him to knock on the window or try to get my attention, but he just stood there. So I kept on pulling out, then turned the wheels and headed for the exit.

He just couldn't do it, could he? Couldn't find the words to make it right.

I don't think those words even exist.

71

J
ordan showed up at the cafe tonight
to sample some more of my desserts. Amanda and I joined him at the table as soon as our shift was over.

She and I had already talked about the zoo performance over the last couple of hours, so I didn't need to get into those details again in front of Jordan. But she and I still had plenty to discuss about Matt--from how self-centered he is to how he looks and dresses (Amanda's critique, mostly) to how it's no wonder we never see him with a girlfriend--who would have him?

Jordan just shook his head and tried to concentrate on my three-layer chocolate cake. Finally he felt the need to speak up. "I don't know why you two are so down on him. Especially you, Cat--after he stuck up for you with Beecher."

"What?" I said. "When?"

"At that Halloween party."

Amanda and I looked at each other. I could see she didn't have a clue, either. "What are you talking about?" I asked.

Jordan swallowed another bite. "I was hanging out talking to Greg, and Matt came up. And pretty soon Greg's bragging about you."

That didn't sound too bad. In fact, Greg bragging about me in front of Matt seemed like just what I wanted.

"What did he say?" Amanda asked.

"Oh, just how he'd upgraded his model--you know, from the old one. Who was that girl he used to go out with?"

"I don't know," Amanda said impatiently. "Just keep going."

I was glad she said it. Sometimes Jordan's stories stretch out a little too long. Amanda and I like to talk fast and listen fast.

"So anyway," Jordan said, "Greg's saying how he upgraded, and now he has a fully loaded unit--you know, like a car--his dad owns that car dealership--"

Amanda widened her eyes at me because he was taking so long.

Jordan cleared his throat. "Do you really want me to tell you what he said?"

"YES!" we both shouted.

"He said he had this fully loaded unit now--'big brains, big ti--'" He coughed. "--chest. And how now that he had someone to do all his homework for him, he could cruise through the rest of school, and ... do you really want to hear this?"

"YES!"

"And how everyone knows if you tell a fat chick you love her, she'll do anything you want."

Amanda and I were speechless.

"Yeah," Jordan said. "So then Matt goes all road rage, and I thought I was going to have to hold him off Beecher. Instead he tells the guy that he's a complete jackass--that he doesn't deserve you and
doesn't even know what he has--and right then we see you two coming back and Matt takes off, and there we all are."

This cold feeling came over me, like I'd just fallen through the ice.

"He said that?" I asked.

"Yeah, sorry. I guess I should have told you before, but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. And then I figured it didn't matter anyway, since you guys broke up right after--"

"No," I said, "I mean Matt. He really said that?"

"Yeah," Jordan answered, downing another bite. "So you want to cut my man some slack?"

72

I
do not understand guys
. I think I'm smart in a lot of ways, but this is definitely not one of them.

Here I thought Greg was a nice--if kind of boring--guy, and I just wasn't feeling the heat, and then I go out with Nick and
definitely
feel the heat, but that's not enough, and now Matt.

Have I been wrong about him all this time?

No, I haven't. Because even he admits what he said to Willie. And he has no good excuse for it, other than to keep telling me he was thirteen. I know that. I need more than that.