Fallen Angel (The List #3) (29 page)

Willow is in a good place with her new mystery man.
I didn’t want to be hassling her with my bullshit yet again so I chose not to
tell her. But we’re meeting at the gym early Friday morning so I’ll tell her
everything on the coach journey down to Devon.

A part of me is also thinking she may try to
convince me that this weekend is a bad idea. Maybe I am a glutton for
punishment but I want to see him, not necessarily to even talk to him. I just
want to see him. He tried for a clean break but that’s just not possible.

God, I am twisted. I’m
that
girl. The
one that picks at a scab until it bleeds.

A text interrupts my self-pitying-psychoanalysis
crap and I find myself hoping it’s Jax. I grab my phone and see it’s from
Willow—instantly I feel guilty for having an uncontrollable wave of
disappointment.

Hey babe, I’ve just finished work. U up
4 a convo when I get in or r u too busy getting jiggy with Mr Biggy? xXx

Hey Wills, neither I’m afraid. Not good
company atm. Speak tomorrow though yeah? x

What’s up? xXx

It’ll wait, don’t worry. Speak tomorrow
x

No, speak now. Please. R u with Jax?

No. He ended it Wills.

WTF. Stop texting & answer ur
friggin phone.

“What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

“Yeah. No. I don’t know. It’s all a bit of a
blur. It happened so quickly, just out of the blue.”

“Please don’t get upset babe. Hold on, if
you’re not with him then where the hell are you?”

“I’m at The Dion.”

“The Dion? Jesus. Okay, we’re on our way over.
We’ll be there in about fifteen minutes.”

“Wait, we? Who’s we?”

“Oh, Peter’s driving. He was giving me a ride
home.”

“Peter as in Mr Stryder? Wills I’d rather not—”

“He’ll just drop me off. Meet me in the lobby
in fifteen. Please Beth. I need to see you to make sure you’re okay.”

I could go and splash some water on my face and
freshen up but she’d see straight through it. I don’t even bother to fake it.

I meet Willow in the lobby and ride up in the
private elevator. When we walk into the suite, Wills walks around briefly, with
her mouth gaping.

“Wow B, he must’ve royally fucked up. I mean, when
you said The Dion—this place is ridonkulous!”

“Yeah, it’s pretty over the top huh? It’s paid up
until Friday.”

“Then you’re coming back to mine.”

“No. Then we’re going to Devon.”

“You can’t be serious? He’ll be there.”

“Good.”

“Good? Hold up. Rewind. Let’s start at the beginning.
Tell me what happened.”

Wills sets to work fixing us a vodka and
cranberry juice from the minibar.

“Okay. This is it, in a nutshell. We were
having sex and whilst he was still inside me, he said that he can’t be with me
anymore.”

“Holy shit. Are you fucking kidding me?”

Wills stops midstride with the ice tinkling in
the glasses.

“Yeah, that was pretty much my response too.”

“Motherfucker!” She makes it over to me on the
leather sofa and hands me my glass. “He still had his dick inside you? Who the
fuck does that? How did you react?”

“I think I was a bitch to him. I know I swore.
Yeah, I was definitely a bitch.”

“
Nooo
, you
swore
at him? Poor
Jax!” Her words are dripping with sarcasm, I think she can actually feel the
anger that coursed through my body at one point last night. “Beth, being a
bitch to him is nothing compared to what he deserved. It’s not like you kicked his
head away, telling him to fuck off out your life, whilst he’s halfway through
eating your pussy—God, I’m sorry, that was brutal. I’m just fucking angry that
he put you through that babe. I thought everything was spot on. You both seemed
so happy Saturday night.”

“We were—so happy.”

“So what happened between now and then?”

I shrug, feeling defeated.

“We got happier, closer than ever actually.”

“And it freaked him out?”

“I guess so. Wills, you knew him before me. You
were the one that warned me to stay away. You told me that I’m not capable of
detaching emotions from sex and you were right. I fell in love with him so
easily Wills and that’s what’s freaked him out. My intensity pushed him away,
it’s the only explanation.”

“Please don’t get upset again babe. Your beautiful
eyes already look like you’ve gone twelve rounds, which tells me you haven’t
slept properly and you’ve been crying on and off for the best part of
twenty-four hours! Come on.”

We take what’s left of our drinks into the
bedroom and lie down, sinking into the plush bedding on the enormous bed. It’s
the first time I’ve even touched it. It’s so comfortable, like being cuddled by
a cloud.

“Right, B, let’s get this straight. I didn’t
warn you away from him. I didn’t think you were in the right headspace to risk
getting fucked over by anybody. But he didn’t do that Beth, so I was totally
wrong. From what I know—until last night—he’s been nothing but respectful and
caring and everything but the ‘player’ he used to be. That’s unless there’s something
you’re not telling me—he hasn’t
done
anything I should know about has
he?”

“No, it’s nothing like that. He’s finding it
difficult to share things with me. I’ve given him space and time and never
pushed him but he still caved. When it comes down to it, he just can’t find the
words.”

“Which is understandable, isn’t it? He’s a very
private man. I’m betting you’ve gotten closer to his heart than you realise. Have
you told him that you love him? I mean properly, not like the botched up job
you did before.”

“No, which makes me just as bad as him. I can’t
find the words either. I was worried that if I told him, it’d scare the shit
out of him and push him away. Well, I managed to control my mouth but the rest
of my body wasn’t on board with the plan. Especially since the weekend, I may
as well of had ‘I love Jax’ tattooed to my forehead.”

“So you think you’ve overwhelmed him with your
love?”

“Yeah—I think I’ve loved our relationship to
death.”

Wills starts shaking her head and strumming her
multi-coloured glittery fingernails over her glass.

“Something just doesn’t add up… He’s a good
person, he wouldn’t have hurt you like that based on the fact that you
care
so much about him.”

Wills stands up, taking our empty glasses out and
returns to the bedroom with two fresh glasses of water. She rifles through my
case, throws a nightie at me and grabs a tee for herself. After whipping her
turquoise maxi dress over her head, she puts on the tee and climbs into bed.

“I take it you’re staying the night?”

“Hell yes. My bestie needs me—” She leans over
and kisses my head. “—and this mattress needs my body. Oh my God, it’s beyond
incredible. I have got to get me one of these bad boys.”

I smile my first genuine smile and squeeze her
hand.

Mustering the energy, I get undressed and climb
under the covers too, facing Wills.

“Do you realise how much I love you?”

“See, that wasn’t difficult.” She leans over
and kisses my forehead. “You should’ve told him, B. Love should never be
denied… I love you too by the way.”

“Do you think this is it then? I’ve missed my
opportunity?”

“I don’t know babe. If you’re right and he’s
just freaking out, then maybe he’ll see reason when you’re not there and he
realises how much he misses not having you around.”

“God, you make me sound like a puppy.”

“On the other hand, if you’re wrong and there’s
another reason, then who knows? This
could
be it babe, which completely
sucks ass. Either way, if you’re adamant Devon is a good idea, then you need to
get to the bottom of it this weekend. What happened last night is in no way
closure and he can’t expect you to accept that. You’re worth a helluva lot more
than that, Smiler.”

“You’re right. I’ll speak to him properly this
weekend. I need answers, no matter what the outcome.” The prospect of a
conversation with Jax has me feeling like I’ve taken a tiny step forward. “So-o,
you and
Peter
huh?”

“What?” She shields her face behind her glass
of water. “Okay, okay, stop looking at me like that. Yes, he is my mysterious
man.”

“Wow. I mean—wow! I did not see that one
coming. How’s that going for you?”

“Good. It’s pretty great actually.”

“I’m really happy for you, Wills. It’s lovely
that you’re making a go of a steady relationship.”

“So why’s there a tear rolling down your face?”

“Oh, just ignore it. It’s my irritating leaky
heart trying to get our attention. It’s very demanding at the moment.”

I half-heartedly snivel.

“Well you can have my undivided attention as
much as you need it. Now let’s get some beauty sleep—you need it girl.”

“Cheers. I am pleased for you and Peter though,
Wills, I mean it.”

“I know you are babe.” I turn off the wall
lights and snuggle into the bed. “Now, I want to see my beautiful fresh faced
girl back in the morning. I know it’s a hard and confusing time for you, but whatever
happens, you’ll come out stronger on the other side—I promise.”

“Thanks, Wills.”

Thursday 30
^th
April 2015

3:34pm

A
fter Wills
found out I’d put the deposit down on an apartment, she deafened me with
squeals of excitement and then insisted we go on a shopping trip to buy all of
my household essentials. It was an obvious idea that my numb brain hadn’t bothered
to conceive itself, plus a much needed distraction from staring at my phone and
willing for it to ring.

After four hours and a
hefty dent in my bank account, we’d filled her Beetle and arranged for my new
bed to be delivered next week. All furniture is included in the apartment but I
wanted my own bed so I’ve asked them to get rid of the other one.

Wills has now persuaded
me to check out a tattoo and piercing parlour. It’s literally opposite where
her car is parked. She called it fate, but I’m thinking it’s more ‘Willow’ inspiration
rather than divine. It’s completely the sort of thing she’d plan to keep my
mind occupied rather than defaulting to obsessing.

“So what’s it gonna be,
B? Tattoo or piercing—or both?”

“I know what tattoo I’m
going to have, but I’m not in the right frame of mind to do it today.”

“Okay, so a piercing
then. Where do you want it? Nipple?”

“No way. I like my
nipples just the way they are. But don’t let me stand in
your
way.”

“Err, I don’t think it’d
suit my tiny bee stings. You, on the other hand, have got plenty to go around.
It’d look sexy as hell.” My hands on my hips and constant head shaking eventually
gets through to her. “How about we have matching navel piercings then?”

“You serious? You’re
jumping in on this too?”

“Yeah, Fuck It.”

“Hey, isn’t that my
line?”

“Say it then.”

“Okay—Fuck It.”

Wills slams me a high
five as she walks across the stained wooden floorboards and leans over the
counter to get the walking inkwell’s attention.

This guy’s ear lobes
have been stretched so big, a man could probably have sex with them—is that a
thing? If not, it could definitely be a thing, ear sex. He’s covered in tats, even
on his scalp and all up his neck.

Being surrounded by
tattoos leads only to the inevitable. Soon my minds awash with thoughts of
tracing the outline of Jax’s beautifully detailed ink with my fingers, whilst
snuggling up in bed.

“Earth to Bethany, come
in Bethany.” Wills clicks her fingers from across the reception area. “I said,
are you sure you don’t wanna go a little lower babe?”

She flicks her eyes
between my legs and wiggles her eyebrows.

“Ouch. The thought of
my belly button is bad enough. No thank you Miss Kinkalicious. You interested?”

“M-maybe.”

“How long do you have
to abstain for?”

Wills immediately turns
her attention back to the walking inkwell.

“Right then—we’ll have
two navel piercings please mate.”

9:06pm

It didn’t hurt as much
as I’d expected so the distraction was only short-lived. But it does looks
lovely so I’m pleased with our act of spontaneity.

Afterwards, Wills
called in an old favour—which probably means sexual—and got us both a spray tan
and wax at Bella’s. I told her it’d been less than three weeks since my last
visit but apparently it was standard protocol for us to be considered beach
body ready.

Not that I’m out to
impress anybody this weekend but it won’t hurt to feel good in a bikini. It was
nice seeing Carmen, although her name made me think of a certain snooty ice
queen, so that didn’t help with my pledge to go Jaxless today.

Once I’d convinced
Wills that I didn’t need her to stay another night, she took the car full of
shopping home to keep in her garage for me.

But this—this right now
is my time of weakness, when my obsessive thoughts can get the better of me.
This is when I’m most likely to cave and finally send one of the hundreds of
texts I’ve had on a mental carousel since I arrived at The Dion. From the
obvious;
‘Why?’
or
‘Is there somebody else?’
To the ridiculous;
‘Are you secretly a cannibal and you’re saving me from being eaten alive by you
and your cannibal cult?’

I stare at the
screensaver on my phone, a photo of us in his kitchen. I click on my call
history and hover my thumb over the green call button beside his name,
see-sawing my choices.
Do it.
As soon as those two little words pass
through my head, Jax’s face appears on the screen.
Shit.
I must’ve
hovered too close, I juggle the phone like it’s a piece of hot coal and end up
dropping it on my barefoot.

“Oww. Shit.”

I snatch the phone up
off the bedroom carpet, praying that he hasn’t answered, only to see the call
duration counter moving from three seconds to four, then five. What’s the
obvious thing to do? Put the phone to my ear and say ‘Hi’. No, of course not. I
chicken out. I panic and hit the red button to end the call.

Throwing the phone on
the bed as if that’ll make like it never happened, I dive on the mattress beside
it with my face buried in the pillow.

He’s going to think I’m
a complete ass. Calling him then hanging up when he answers. Like I’m some
needy freak that just wanted to hear his voice. His voice. God, I’m some needy
freak that just wants to hear his voice.

Hold on a second. The
phone vibrated. It doesn’t vibrate for outgoing calls.

I recover the offending
phone and go back into my call history. Sure enough, it was an incoming call.
He called me. He fucking called me.
Yeah and you answered then cut him off.

If he wants to speak to
me, he’ll call back. Do I want to speak to him? The plan was to talk in Devon.

Sorry. I shouldn’t have
called. G

‘G’. I imagine him
sitting in the lounge, typing out that text to me. He is thinking about me
right now.

Y did u then?

Moment of weakness.

If you wanted a clean
break, u wouldn’t be thinking about me at all.

That notion is
impossible. But, ur right. I shouldn’t have called. I’ve fucked around with ur
head enough already. Sorry. How are you?

Y is it that I really
want to tell u 2 go fuck yourself, but I can’t?

U want 2 because I’m a
fucking prick. U can’t because ur you.

Do u realise that by
typing ur 2
^nd
point it only helps 2 confirm ur the 1
^st
?

Yes. Can u tell me how
u are please?

I’m absolutely fine thanks
4 asking.

Okay, I deserve that. I
just wanted 2 make sure ur ok, that’s all.

Ur wrong actually Jax.
U don’t deserve my sarcasm. U deserve the truth.

Which is?

I’m shit. I’m fucking
shit. I’m an ugly mess inside & out. I feel abandoned & lonely &
it’s all because of u. So now u know. Goodnight.

I throw my face back
into the pillow, this time to muffle the full on, open-mouthed sobbing. My ears
can’t take the sound of any more self-pitying.

The phone starts vibrating
on the bed. That last text seems to have opened the floodgates. But not for
more tears.

I quickly sit up, wiping
my tears on one sleeve of my fluffy hotel robe and then wipe my nose on the
other. Rolling my shoulders, straightening my back, I take a deep breath in and
snatch up the phone.

When I answer the call,
I exhale by way of verbal diarrhoea.

“
What Jax?
Isn’t
reading it good enough? You want to hear how sad you’ve made me?”

“Beth, I—”

“And I don’t care if I
sound weak or pathetic or if normal girls would keep their dignity and would’ve
never text you back. I’m clearly not normal, not when it comes to you. I don’t
hide behind fakeness. I’ll leave that to you.” Silence. “If I was a normal
girl, I wouldn’t have answered this call either. I wouldn’t have spent hours
reliving our memories and convincing myself that we’re not over. I would be
hating you right now. Hating you for wrapping me up in a world full of hope,
then unravelling it all and leaving me—empty.”

During that outburst my
voice has somehow calmed and my tears have subsided.

“Beth, I stand by what
I said. I’m no good for you.”

He sounds so resigned,
as though it’s a fact and not his opinion.

“In that case, I stand
by what I said. You’re a pussy.”

“Don’t you think I know
that? Don’t you think I hate myself more than you ever could?”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Well you should.”

“That’s the problem
Jax. You don’t get to tell me what to do or how to feel. You say that you’ll
hurt me but don’t you realise that what you’ve done has already achieved that?
I’m hurting now… Are you worried that I’m falling in love with you? Are you
worried that when that happens, it’ll be so much worse for me to hear your
secrets?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it’s too late
because I’m already in love with you.” Fuck. “I wish I wasn’t but—no that’s not
the truth, I love that I love you… F-fuck. Just say something.”

“I don’t know what to
say. I didn’t set out to hurt you. I didn’t ask for your love, Beth.”

“No, you didn’t and I
didn’t give it to you either. You just took it, whether you intended to or not,
you did. So all you’ve done is given up on something that could’ve been the
best thing to ever happen to both of us. You’ve given up on us. Do you care
about me?”

“Of course I do.”

“So think about this
then. The way you’ve ended it means that I will forever have unanswered
questions hanging over my heart. I don’t deserve that.”

“You don’t deserve any
of this. But how can I make things better? I can’t.”

“You can sit down with
me and tell me everything. Let me decide for myself what my future holds. I think
I deserve that much.”

“Beth, we’re over. I
can promise you now that you won’t like what’s in my head so why would you want
me to share that with you?”

“Because if you don’t,
it will eat away at my sanity. Your secrets may be dark but the shadows they
cast over my happiest moments will last for a lifetime. I need this Jax.
Whatever happens, I need to know so that I can move on.”

“Okay.”

“What
now?
”

“No. After Devon.
Before you go back to Wills’ on Monday.”

“We’ll sit down and
talk?”

“Yes, if that’s really what
you want. I think it’s a bad move but it’s your decision Beth.”