Fall Out Girl (12 page)

“Fuck me for thinking otherwise.”

“Watch your language with me. I’m not in the mood.”

Andrew chose that moment to make an appearance. “That’s cold. Getting schooled by Luna.”

“Stay the hell out of this, Andrew,” Caleb said.

Andrew lifted both hands. “Sorry, bro. None of my business.” He turned and gave me a chin nod. “After lunch?”

“Sure.” I handed my card to the lunch lady and headed to my usual table.

My heart was beating so fast, I had a hard time walking straight. Thankfully, no one paid any attention to our little encounter.

Jake glanced up from his tray with repenting eyes. Finally, we’d have that talk he’d been avoiding. I puffed a big breath of air out. Great, just when I needed all my wits, I felt so unhinged.

I sat facing Jake. “Leave,” I said to Pat without looking away from Jake.

She hastily retrieved her tray. “See you in homeroom, J.”

“Where were you last night?” I asked.

“Luna, we need to talk.”

“Damn right we do.”

“I’m sorry about upsetting you Saturday.” He raked both hands through his shaggy hair.

“You’re sorry about upsetting me?” I ground my teeth and inhaled deeply. “This isn’t about me, Jake. This is about you jumping into a black hole.” I waited for his reply, but he fixed his eyes on his tray.

“How long have you been using?”

“Just a few times.” His eyes were downcast, and his shoulders deflated.

I tasted the metallic flavor of fear in my mouth. But I needed to remain calm. “How long?”

“You’re not my fucking mother,” he said, making eye contact with me for the first time.

“That won’t keep me from busting your ass.”

“Chill, Luna.” He looked away. “Three or four. Maybe more. I don’t keep a fucking log.”

“Jake, you know better. This is a non-refundable, one-way ticket. What about our plans? At the end of the school year, I’ll be an adult. We’re gonna get out of this hell-hole.”

“Does it ever occur to you that those are
your
plans, not mine?”

“No! It never occurred to me. Not when you planned every single step along with me.” But as I said it, I recalled the conversation we had regarding our future. Jake was always a passive participant. “Wait, you aren’t bailing on me, are you?”

He let out a bitter laugh. “Bail out on you, or my mother? Either way, I’ll be a fucking jerk.”

The bell rang, ending lunch. Jake’s chair screeched as he got up. “We’ll finish this conversation at home.” He shoved his untouched sandwich inside his backpack and left. I remained petrified in my seat.

When I looked at Andrew’s table, he gave me a chin nod, which I replied to with a slight dip of my head.

Surely Caleb noticed our interaction because from my seat, I could see his jaw muscles tensing.

Regret and something else I couldn’t define swamped me. Screw it. I was going to talk to Caleb and apologize. It didn’t matter what others thought about me. I stood up to go to him, but Jessica chose that same moment to grab his hand and pull him toward her. She put his arm around her shoulder, and they rode into the sunset without a glance back. Caleb was pissed, and I couldn’t fault him for it.

I headed for the custodian closet. Andrew was one of the few clients I dealt with, in the confinement of the school building, the main reason being his father’s position as mayor. If shit ever hit the fan, the mayor would go out of his way to clean up the mess.

Certain that no one was around I slid inside the janitor’s closet. It had become our usual Monday rendezvous, except for that first day of school when I met Caleb. I tried to push Caleb out of my mind. It was consuming me. It was like my brain had been rewired and programmed to find a reason, regardless of what I was thinking about, to take a detour and think of him.

The knob of the door turned, and Andrew snuck in. He had his ever-present grin that always unnerved me. “What’s up, Luna?”

I pulled his weekly package out, this time it was weed and oxycodone. He handed me the money.

“So, what’s with Caleb and you?”

“None of your business,” I replied, counting the bills he had handed me.

“Here.” I passed the bundle to him and shoved the money in my bag. “Thank you for your business.” I leaned on a counter, waiting for him to leave first.

He took a step closer. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to kiss you,”

“Deadly. Touch me, and I’ll kill you,” I said without wavering my voice.

“I’ve been patient with you, but I can see that my slacking is giving an advantage to Caleb. Are you two hooking up?

“Out. Get out so I can get out, too. I’ve gotta get back to class.” I crossed my arms over my chest, hands close to my pocketknife. The room felt claustrophobic. Andrew’s grin was replaced by a smirk.

“Come on, Luna, I know you’ve got a thing for me.”

He was delusional. “The drugs are messing with you, Andrew. Lay off. Early onset dementia is common amongst junkies.” Yeah, I realize my advice wasn’t good for business but at the end of the day, it did give me a perverse sense of peace to know I had informed my clients of the obvious: Drugs are a curse that will ultimately destroy you.

Yeah, it was a bit self-righteous of me. No, I didn’t feel hypocritical.

“A kiss, Luna. A free sample of what you’re missing. And you’ll forget Caleb’s pathetic attempts to hook up with you.” He took another step toward me. His hooded eyes zoomed in on my boobs, and I noticed a bulge at his groin. Shit, I had to leave before things got out of hand, and I lost one of my best clients. But the door screeched open and instead of pulling my knife out, I snaked my arms around Andrews’s neck and pulled him to me. The punishment for making out in the closet was certainly lesser than dealing drugs. Andrew knew the deal and slid his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to his body.

“What the hell, Luna?” An angry voice resonated in the small room. It was Caleb.

Relief and dread flooded my chest. Before I could react, Caleb grabbed Andrew’s arm and yanked him away from me.

“Wow, lover boy, it’s not what you think,” Andrew smirked and added, “Unfortunately.” He glanced at me and winked.

“Asshole.” Caleb’s right hand balled into a fist, and the other bunched up Andrew’s shirt. The muscles on Caleb’s shoulders rippled in tension.

“Caleb, no.” I held his closed fist with both my hands. “Please, let him go,” I said, voice pleading. The last thing I needed was a scene to attract attention.

Caleb released his vice-like grip on Andrew.

“I’m out, love birds.” Andrew glanced at me and said, “Till next time, Luna.” With a small salute, he stepped out of the room.

Caleb paced the small space, reminding me of a rescued dog inside a kennel. “Are you with Andrew?” he asked, stopping in front of me. His hands were on either side of me, his teeth clenched.

“No. That’s our cover. When you opened the door, I thought we were being caught, and so we pretended to be making out.”

“So you make out with all your… clients, or whatever the hell you call them?” he asked and pressed his lips into a thin line. The veins in his neck were throbbing. I had never seen someone so angry.

“No! I seldom get caught.” Voicing those things made them grotesque and real.

He grunted, turned his back on me, and put his clenched fists against the door. I suspected he was wondering if I was worth the aggravation. The realization that he might discover I was unworthy of him hit me like a powerhouse punch.

He smacked the door.

The noise startled me. I wanted to plead my case, say something clever to compel him to forget what happened, to forget I sold drugs. I wanted to apologize for the way I acted earlier. I wanted to tell him to kiss me senseless. Instead, the unthinkable happened. Tears rolled down my face. Immediately, I wiped them off, but they kept streaming down.

Caleb turned, ready to say something when he caught sight of my tears.

“I’m sorry, I…” My words trailed off. I felt like a fool.

“You’re crying.” He closed the small gap between us. He cupped my face, and his thumbs wiped under my eyes. “Please don’t cry.” He pulled me into his arms.

Though being held during a crying fit was uncharted territory, there was a familiarity in the soothing comfort of his embrace.

For a few minutes, I just allowed the serenity and security emanating from him to seep through me.

“Let’s get the hell out of here,” he said.

“No, I’m not ready to go back to class.” I sniffed.

“Who said anything about going back to class? We’re skipping.” With a firm grip on my hand, he guided me through the empty halls. Luckily, other than crossing two other students, we escaped school unnoticed.

He opened the door of his Audi and buckled my belt. It was weird and comforting to have him treating me like delicate china.

Caleb stopped at a Starbucks drive-through. “What you wanna drink?”

We got our orders, and Caleb hit Highway I-95, exiting in a town called Milford. The sky was a pristine blue, and the air held a slight chill. The trees held on to their green leaves as if knowing that their death was imminent. Autumn would be upon us soon. I supposed nature has its way of knowing things to come.

My mind tried desperately to regain control over my emotions.

He drove along the coast for a few minutes, finally parking at the Audubon Society Center.

Caleb dashed around the car and opened my door. “Here, hold this for me,” he said, handing me his cup of coffee. He jogged to the trunk of the car and retrieved a sports store bag and his professional camera kit. Curiosity sparked inside me, but I didn’t dare ask what those things were all about. The silence between us was soothing, and I needed time to compose myself. It wasn’t every day that I cried and sobbed in front of other people.

“Have you been here before?” he asked.

“No. You?” I frowned.

“No.”

We walked around the building. On the side, Caleb pointed to a staircase. “Let’s go up. According to the website, the top of the tower is a bird observatory.”

We climbed the steps. Beyond the landing, I saw a narrow and steep set of stairs that ascended to the tower. When we reached the top, Caleb opened the plastic bag and pulled out two binoculars. They were still inside the boxes.

With swift movements, he unwrapped them and assembled the straps. “Here,” he said, handing me one. I placed the coffees on the rail. With a giddy expectation reminiscent of childhood, I looked through the lenses, scanning the area.

“You bought these?” I asked.

“Yes, Sherlock,” he said with half a smile.

“Hey, that’s my line,” I responded, going along with his attempt to ease the tension.

“How did you know about this place?”

“The wonders of the World Wide Web,” he said, attaching a lens to the camera.

“Oh, quick. Look! A seahawk.” I pointed to a bird’s nest on a platform in the marsh. The joy of bird watching slowly dissipated the earlier dread.

“How do you know it’s a seahawk?” he asked. I heard a series of soft clicks from his camera.

“Well, their actual name is osprey or Pandion Haliaetus. They’re diurnal birds of prey. Look at its toes. They’re equal length, and the talons are rounded. They like to eat fish, so it’s common to see them near water.”

“You’re such a geek.” He switched the camera for his pair of binoculars.

“This is awesome,” he said.

A seagull dropped a shell on a rocky area, picked it up, and dropped it again. He repeated the steps over and over until it cracked, giving access to meat inside. Such a small brain, yet so resourceful.

“Look! Look—oh, my God, Caleb. On the water, it’s a snowy owl. This is totally the best day of my life, really,” I blurted out.

“Where?”

“Hovering on the water by that sandbar.” I pointed in the direction of where the bird was.

“How do you know so much about birds?”

“My father, he—.” I glanced at Caleb. He was staring at me with inquisitive eyes. My father was a forbidden subject. “It doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago. I don’t even know why I still remember all these useless facts.” I grabbed my coffee and sipped from it.

“Tell me about your father.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“No prob.” He resumed his picture taking.

I was relieved he dropped the subject. No. I wasn’t relieved. I was irritated. Caleb was too kind, too understanding, too… Ugh! Too unnervingly perfect. Yeah, damn right I faulted him for being faultless.

QUIETLY, AND IN between sips of coffee, I watched the birds and the nature surrounding us.

In the distance, I saw what, according to Caleb, was the mouth of Housatonic River. He really did his homework about the center and its surrounding.

Strewn around the marsh were several platforms with birds’ nests. The tall green grass that grew on the sandbanks undulated under a cool breeze. I had heard of the Audubon Society Center, but I had never had the courage to visit it before that day.

On the one hand, I did things that reminded me of my father, like the birdfeeders or volunteering at the shelter. But I could only take small doses of him at a time. I had spent my childhood visiting places like this with my dad. Together we visited endless parks, nature walk areas, sanctuaries. Those long gone summer vacations, filled with camping trips, sleeping under the stars, and grilling freshly caught fish in a fire pit haunted my memories.