Expecting to Fly (15 page)

The next morning, after the best night’s sleep I’d had in ages, I knew what I had to do.

I wrote a text to Joe in the school break.
Please meet me after school. India Jane X.

He was waiting for me in our usual place at the wall opposite the gates and we went to Starbucks. On the way, I told him about dropping the subjects.

‘Cool,’ he said, ‘but is that all you wanted to say?’

I shook my head. ‘Not really. I . . . I have been thinking about my options. Zahrah said it yesterday and I realised that I really do want some – in my life, in my work. As you know,
I’ve been finding it hard to decide what career I want to pursue. It’s been bugging and bugging me and, yesterday, it was like I had this breakthrough.’

‘So what have you decided?’ he asked, when we got to the café and went to bag our favourite sofa by the window.

‘Options. I’ve decided that I want options. That’s why the word kept playing in my head. See, I still don’t know what I want to be, maybe a tour guide, maybe an artist,
maybe an interior decorator, maybe even a relationship counsellor.’

Joe cracked up.

‘What’s so funny?’ I asked.

‘No. Nothing. Relationship counsellor. Why not?’

I slapped his arm playfully. ‘I have learned a lot in the last few months with you. A
lot
.’

Joe smiled and raised an eyebrow. ‘Most girls do.’

‘Big-head. But . . . I also, I don’t know how to put this. I —’

‘You want to break up?’

‘No. NO. Well, actually . . . yes, sort of.’

I scrutinised his face for his reaction. He didn’t seem freaked out by what I had said.

‘Which is it?’ he asked.

‘Both. Ish. I’ve been thinking about it. A lot. I want options when I’m older. I want to be able to choose my career and in order to do that I have to get good grades. Up until
now I have felt like I have been swimming against the tide, desperately trying to keep up but, yesterday, it was like Mrs Goldman threw me a lifeline.’

Joe nodded.‘Makes sense.’

‘I think I can do it now. I really do, but it means that the next few months are going to be major, no distractions.’

Joe nodded again. ‘I get it,’ he said and pointed to himself. ‘Distraction.’

I nodded and then Joe pointed at me. ‘Also distraction.’

‘So you understand?’

‘I do,’ he said.‘It’s an important time in both of our lives and we can either go for it or not. I get what you’re saying. I want those options, too. I don’t
want to be stuck, ever, in some boring job because I don’t have any other choice. So yeah, India J. I get you.’

I sighed a breath of relief. ‘So not breaking up . . .’

‘As much as taking a break.’

‘Exactly.’

‘And when shall we resume?’ asked Joe.

I grinned. ‘Um. We could leave that open maybe?’

Joe nodded slowly as if considering what I was proposing. ‘Like give ourselves options on that, too.’ He put his arm around me and took a deep breath as if taking it in. ‘This
proves exactly why we are so right together. To be honest, I had been thinking along exactly the same lines but didn’t know how to put it and, also, I wasn’t totally sure I could do it.
But you’re right. We need to get our heads down so . . . yeah, this is great, take a break because you know I would never hurt you —’

‘And I would never hurt you.’

‘But if we agree, there won’t be any bad feeling or guilt?’

I shook my head. ‘Mutual agreement.’

‘But we can maybe go on a date every now and then, yeah?’

I nodded. ‘Sure. That would be lovely. And such a treat. But what about over the summer?’

‘I wanted to talk to you about that. Sam and I have firmed up our travel arrangements. I was going to tell you this weekend – we aim to be gone a week after the exams.’

‘So soon?’ The thought of Joe not being there made me sad and I wondered if I was mad suggesting what I was.‘I will miss you.’

‘And I you – but listen, hey, options. I know I am your first proper relationship, your first real love,’ he said with a grin.

‘Yeah, yeah big-head.’

‘So listen I J, although one part of me finds this hard and, me being your first true love, you will be finding it hard, too.’

‘Don’t joke. I do actually,’ I said and slipped my hand into his.

Joe squeezed it and the moment felt tender. He
was
my first love.
Am I insane?
I asked myself, as he looked deeply into my eyes and I felt I might cry.

‘OK, India Jane. I agree. I think I have to let you go, for a short time anyway.’

I knew that now was the time to be totally honest. To be really clear. ‘What about dating other people?’ I asked. ‘I mean, you will be away and you’ll meet people, girls
and I —’

Joe shrugged. ‘It’s only fair. Like, I can’t expect you to hide yourself away while I trek around the world.’

‘Nor me you,’ I said. ‘But that doesn’t mean I won’t get jealous but I . . . think it would be mean to say you must never kiss another girl or flirt or enjoy your
time away.’

‘Better to be honest and up front than cheat and lie and pretend something else is going on.’

‘Exactly.’ I thought about Finn and Karl and Marcus and Bruno and Tyler. ‘That’s what I want to be. It has been great with you, you know that, we have had such great
times . . .’ My words faltered and I felt like I was going to cry again. Joe squeezed my hand and stroked the back of it with his other hand.‘But it’s like it has all happened too
fast. I don’t think I am ready. I think I am too young to be in a proper relationship. All that stuff you said to me last summer. I know how you felt now. You meet people. You like them. You
don’t want to hurt anyone or lead them on or mess them around. Now I understand better why you were reluctant to commit.’

Joe nodded. ‘So options, hey?’ he said. ‘We give each other options. It’s a good option.’

‘Not breaking up.’

‘But taking a break.’

‘So friends?’ I asked.

‘Always,’ said Joe. And then he kissed me in a way that said we were way more than friends.

Later that night when I was in bed, I had a good cry. Joe
was
my first love and I still loved him in a way and probably always would. It felt like the end of a lovely
chapter in my life. Yes, I was excited that, after exams were over, I would have a whole summer free in front of me but I couldn’t deny the sadness I was feeling.
Maybe this is part of
growing up,
I thought as Posh and Becks cuddled up at the end of my bed,
letting go, moving on. It’ s not easy. Maybe this is often how it’s going to feel. Bitter-sweet.

Much later, on the day of the GCSE results in August, we had a barbecue at our house. Dad had invited half the neighbourhood as well as family and friends, and there were about
fifty of us in the back garden. It really did feel like party time: sausages sizzling, chicken and vegetables on the barbie, burgers being burned!

‘India Jane, come quickly, Joe on the phone,’ called Mum from the house. I had spoken to him the week before from Peru, after he had got his A-level results. He had got one B, one A
and two A-stars and had a place to go to Bristol University the following year. His Uncle Simon said he could stay with them if he liked, because Finn had a place at Imperial College and would be
coming up to London so his room would be free in term-time. Hmm . . . Joe had said that he would think about it but would probably prefer to be in digs with fellow students in Bristol. Joe’s
mum Charlotte had offered Joe’s room to Finn but, much the same as Joe, he said that he wanted to stay in digs too, and didn’t want any family member cramping his style. I could just
imagine the damage he was going to do to his female fellow students’ hearts and determined that I wouldn’t be one of them, although as my motto goes these days: Open heart, open mind,
open options. I might meet up with him for a coffee.

‘Hey Joe,’ I said when Mum handed me the phone. ‘Are you in Mexico now?’

‘I am and it’s amazing. I’ll put some pics up on Facebook.’

‘Cool.’ He’d posted photos when he could and I felt less distant when I saw him larking around in various locations with Sam.

‘So?’ he asked.

I knew what he was asking. What were my results? I had been to school that morning with Zahrah, Leela and Brook to get them.

‘Zahrah got eight A-stars, two As. Leela six As, three A-stars and one B. Brook one A-star, seven As and two Bs.’

‘Brainy bunch but I know they all worked for it. And?’

‘Three Bs, three As and – tadah – two A-stars in art and English. I know it’s not as impressive as the others but —’

‘Are you kidding? No, that’s brilliant, India Jane! Well done, I wish I was there to celebrate with you but . . . it sounds like you’re not alone anyway. What is that
noise?’

‘Oh Mum and Dad have invited a few friends over,’ I said, as I looked out at the colourful crowd packed into the back garden. Dad had organised a limbo line and there was a queue of
middle-aged men in Hawaiian shirts waiting to dance under a skipping rope being held by Dylan at one end and Lewis at the other, while Dad pranced about like an idiot shaking castanets and Mum
followed him doing some weird hippie dance. Sometimes, I despair about my parents.

‘Sounds like party time,’ said Joe. ‘Hey, by the way, Sam said to say hi to Brook.’

‘I’ll pass it on,’ I said. I knew that they had been in touch on Facebook too, and Sam had said he would see her when he was back. He had even sent me a friendly message from
Greece, where he and Joe went first to work in a bar and earn some travel money. In the meantime, Brook wasn’t pining. I glanced out at the garden, where she was sitting on a bench with Tyler
eating strawberries dipped in chocolate.

‘How are the others?’ asked Joe.

‘Cool. Zahrah is still with Ryan.’

‘And Leela?’

‘I think she’s got her eye on one of the neighbours,’ I said as I watched Leela, who was sitting on the grass on a rug between Karl and Marcus and looking like the cat that got
the cream.

‘And you?’

‘Single. Keeping my options open. You?’

‘Ditto,’ he said, then laughed. ‘See you at the end of August before we go off again, my option numero uno.’

‘Ditto.’

When we’d finished our call, I put the phone down but it rang again immediately.

‘Hey, it’s me. Go to Skype,’ said Erin’s voice.

‘Let me get the others,’ I said, and I quickly whizzed around the garden to tell Zahrah, Leela and Brook to join me and together we raced up the stairs to the computer, switched to
Skype and, a second later, there was Erin’s pretty face staring out at us. Mum had got me a webcam for my birthday and Erin and I had been in regular contact over the last few weeks. It made
the world feel like a smaller place and would be even smaller if Joe was ever in an Internet café some place that had one. I switched on the camera over the screen, so that Erin could see us
too.

‘Hey, it’s the crew,’ she beamed back, when she saw that we were all there.

‘Hi, Erin,’ we all chorused.

‘When are you coming over?’ asked Brook.

‘Next week,’ said Erin. ‘Can’t wait.’

‘How did you do?’ I asked.

‘Two A-stars, four As, three Bs, one C.’

‘Wow, that’s fantastic, Erin,’ I said, and we quickly told her our results.

She grinned back at us. ‘Watch out world, hey? Now, how’s that party going over there? Are you saving any boys for me?’

Leela did a thumbs-up. ‘We have loads of boys for you to meet. A whole beauty parade to choose from. Apart from Ryan, of course, who is taken, but we have met tons of new people.
We’re young, we’re single, wah-hey.’

‘And we still have a few more days of blissful summer hols. Life doesn’t get any better, does it?’ said Erin.

After the call, I went back into the garden where Tyler had got me a plate of food, and Karl and Marcus had joined the queue for limbo along with a bunch of mates from their school. I sat on the
rug and looked around. Erin was right. Life really didn’t get any better. Joe would be back at some point but, in the meantime, we were still mates, still in touch. My family had a great
place to live. I had my place in the Sixth Form and would at last be starting the syllabus with everyone else. But until then, I had options. Hmm. One of Dad’s favourite songs was playing on
the CD player. ‘ Expecting to Fly’ by Buffalo Springfield.

That’s me,
I thought as I listened to the lyrics.
I’m standing on the edge of my future, feeling like I could soar above the clouds. Expecting to fly.