Everything I've Never Had (23 page)

Pulling my lips back to his, he gives me a long chaste kiss before pulling me over to the wicker loveseat. Sitting down first, he guides me to his lap so that I’m draped across it. He’s so smooth and quick that I don’t have time to question it. I pull my legs up on the couch and curl into him, relaxing into his strength and warmth. All those weeks of our refraining from touching are completely erased from my memory as I absorb him into me.

Running his hands through my hair and down my arm, he rubs up and down for a second, before he asks, “You know what this means, right?”

“Yes, I know. I’m ready. Let them try to inflict whatever damage they wish.” My voice shakes with indignation as I declare, “You’re worth it. I’m worth it. My children are worth it. You mean so much to all of us, and I can’t imagine denying ourselves any longer. So let them try to stop us.” I take a deep breath and struggle with how much I should admit right now. Not knowing how serious he wants to be with me is difficult, but I need him to know that what I feel is not a fleeting interest. “They’re not going to come between us, though, because I’m crazy about you and have been for a
long
time.”

His gaze, still so intense, hasn’t left mine for a second. I watched as his eyes tightened with each word I’d just proclaimed.
Was I wrong in thinking this is where his heart is?
Tipping my head back, Adrian leans in and places a sweet kiss on my lips. “That’s not good enough for me,” he whispers against my lips. I still, thinking I’ve read him all wrong. “Although,” he says playfully with a smile, “being crazy for me is a good start.” His smile fades as he sobers up again. “It’s just not enough for me since I happen to love you.” My mind goes blank and I just stare at him wide-eyed as he places more sweet little kisses all over my mouth and chin, nudging my head back and continuing that sweet torment down my throat.

“You love me?” I struggle to say. My voice is strained.

“I’ve loved you since you spilled cocktail sauce on my favorite pair of jeans,” he says with a laugh. “You were so cute and sweet. You made me change, and you must have washed those jeans three times before I left. You gave it your all, but I got news for you—the remnants remained. There was only one problem. You were married to my favorite cousin. A good man and a good father and, as far as I could tell, a good husband—and I felt like a complete scoundrel.”

“Scoundrel?” I ask with a laugh. “You didn’t do anything wrong, though. I’d forgotten all about that part of dinner. Thanks for reminding me. I was so embarrassed.”
To tell the truth or not?
He’d been honest with me. “I’m not normally a klutz but I was so...affected by you, and I’d never experienced anything like it.” He pulls back to look at me. “Never,” I reiterate. “I didn’t mean to feel that way, and the guilt that ensued was tremendous. One glance at you and the pull I felt just…consumed me. Like you were the one person who could hold me to this universe if my body ever felt the desire to float off—an anchor. That’s how I’ve always viewed you. My anchor. I can’t believe it’s possible to be this attracted and this drawn to someone. Sometimes I think the way I feel about you is crazy, Adrian.” I shake my head in awe. “I love all of your emotions—moody, carefree, protective, grouchy, sensitive, domineering. Everything about you is precious to me.” I reach up and rub his scruffy cheek for a second while he takes in everything I’ve said.

“You have no idea what those words mean to me, Cel. I’ve been so...torn. The biggest part of me wanted to cling to you and make you mine while the other part felt like I had to push you away in order to protect you.”

“I understand. I do. And I said all that so you would know that I mean this—I love you too, Adrian. I’ve known it for a long time too. That night I kissed you for the first time, deep down, that was it for me. I convinced myself I was acting on a whim of attraction, but it was so much more than that. The only reason I didn’t want to admit it to myself or you was because I feared the hailstorm I would bring down on us.”

“You’re right to be afraid. It’s not going to be pretty. That night you kissed me, so sweet, so tentative...I wanted you so badly for myself but knew I couldn’t have you without serious consequences for the both of us. I was willing to accept them, but I didn’t want that for you or the boys. I’ve always wanted better for you than me.”

“What? What do you mean? You’re the best thing for me. I’ve been beyond miserable since the concert that night. It’s more than just attraction with you, Adrian. I mean you’re beautiful and I feel physically drawn to you, but you’ve also become my best friend and so much more. I’d already been so miserable, but to have to hurt you like that, it killed me. I was just afraid of all that they might do, and I still am. I’m just not fearful enough to let it stop me anymore.”

“We’ll figure it out, Celeste. I know they’re powerful, but we’ll find a way.”

I want to ask him what they have on him, but I don’t want to ruin this moment. There’s plenty of time for the drama that will ensue later, so I tackle a less stressful topic. “I feel funny asking you this, but what do you see happening between us? I mean, if I’m going to bring the wrath of my father and father-in-law down on me, I want to know what I’m getting in exchange.”

“Celeste, I’ve only told one other woman I’ve loved her, and I’m almost thirty years old.” My heart plummets with that knowledge. On the one hand, one’s not bad. On the other, I’d like to strangle the one who beat me to the punch of being the recipient of Adrian’s love. “I think it’s safe to say that I’m not going anywhere. You think I would invite this kind of trouble if I had doubts about us lasting?” I smile with this sentiment. I can see us lasting.

“OK,” I whisper.

“By the way, that other woman who’s heard those words from me…” He pauses and I nod my head, encouraging him to share more. “She’s biologically engineered to love me back,” he says with a grin.

My brow furrows as I try to figure out what he means. After a second, I gasp. “Your mother?”

“Yes, I’ve only ever told my mother I loved her. Others, I’ve said things like I care about you, you’re amazing, love ya—”

“OK! I get it!” I say, nudging his shoulder a bit. “Have you been with a lot of women?”

“Hmm...what’s a lot?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I’ve only ever been with two men and was married to one of them for fourteen years. A lot to me would be five.”

“Then, yes, I’ve been with a lot of women.”

“Got it.”

“But you’re the only one who matters. The only one who matters forever.”

Forever—my heart rejoices. “It’s a little soon to talk forever, don’t you think?”

“If that scares you, I won’t talk like that; but, no, I don’t think it’s too soon. Our past might have been rocky, but I think our future’s inevitable.”

Our forever is inevitable—my heart exults. A sudden thought causes my heart to stop. “Ugh...I hate to bring this up but...what about the doppelgänger?”

“The what?”

I laugh at my little inside joke. “Oh, I mean, Jennifer. What about Jennifer?”

He furrows his brow at me. “What about her?”

“I’ve never been the other woman or cheated or anything along those lines. I don’t like all that.”

He laughs at me. “Oh, well, that’s good to know.”

I squeeze his arm. “Don’t laugh at me. I’m serious. I don’t want to be
that
woman.”

“Ah...you could never be
that
woman when you’re
my
woman.”

“Your woman?” I choke out.

“Yeah, you gotta problem with that?” His voice drips with arrogance.

The look he gives me takes my breath away. It’s a compliment, not an affront to my independence. I level with him and myself. “No, I like it,” I say simply.

“Good, because that’s the way it is now.”

“And Jennifer?” I remind him. I’m not letting this go. I don’t want anything to mar our being together.

“There is no Jennifer. We ended things last night.”

“You did?” I mentally clap my hands together.

“Yes, after I saw you on the street, I realized I couldn’t pretend with her anymore. It wasn’t fair to either of us. I figured I just needed time to get over you and that I didn’t need to use someone while doing that.” Pulling me closer, he continues, “When I saw you yesterday and realized that you didn’t want to see me or speak to me, it hurt. I’ve never hurt so bad in my entire life. I went back to the apartment and kept replaying it. That look on your face as if I was the last person on this earth you wanted to see. I fucking hated it. I didn’t know what I could do about it, but I hated it. After a while, I realized that I needed to end it with her and...”

After a few seconds of waiting for him to go on, I prompt him, “And what?”

“And I decided to leave town.” I inhale sharply. “I had decided to move on, literally—that I couldn’t take it anymore. Then I got so pissed. Pissed that I wouldn’t be a part of your life or the boys’ lives. I called myself every name in the book, drank a bunch of beer, and...if you ever tell anyone, I’ll deny it—cried like a freakin’ baby.”

My heart clenches. I’m thrilled that he cared enough to have that reaction, but I ache for the pain I’ve caused him. “I’m so sorry, Adrian. I hope we never hurt each other like that again.”

He runs his fingertips across my cheek. “I’m sorry we hurt each other too. Then, tonight with Archer.” He releases a deep sigh. “I realized that I can’t live without y’all. Y’all are my world, and I’m done letting others refuse us our world. All I want to do is hold you and protect you and love you. Will you let me do that, no matter the consequences?”

I nod in total agreement of all he’s said. “Yes, that’s all I want too. We can’t let them get between us. It’s what they do—make you question your own sanity.”

“I’m ready for them. I feel like with you by my side I can take on anything, anyone.”

I smile before his lips reach mine again and tell him, “We can, Adrian. And we will.”

ADRIAN AND I decide that it would be best if we keep quiet for a little bit regarding our relationship. His argument: the sooner we say anything, the sooner they start trying to rip us to shreds. I had my reservations, but I have to admit it’s actually kind of fun having a secret relationship. No one else’s bias gets in the way. We can get to know each other on that level without all the drama. A few days after our decision to be together, we plan an afternoon with the boys at the zoo. Our zoo is absolutely one of my favorite places on earth.

We have lots of junk food. Finn rides the elephant. Paris feeds the monkeys. Archer is...quiet. I try to get him to join in the fun, but he just gives me a small smile and half-heartedly obliges me before succumbing to his own thoughts once again.

I sit on one of the wooden benches a little ways back from the lions and admire how good Adrian is with the boys. He’s got Finn on his shoulders, which seems to be his favorite seat. Paris is leaning into him and whispering excitedly, glancing up at Adrian to make sure that he shows some kind of response to each of his comments. And, although Archer hasn’t said much, he stands next to Adrian. Every now and then I see Adrian squeeze Archer’s shoulder. I’m wondering what’s going on in that thoughtful little head of his.