Everything is Changed (8 page)

alex

Sass helped me pick out the present. I'm not 100 per cent sure that it's what Ellie will want, but Sass assured me that all the girls at her school would love them, so I went with it. Sass even helped me gift-wrap it because she said my fingers were too big to make the bow look dainty.

Ellie loves that she's a couple of months older than me. She keeps calling herself the older woman. Except that she's tiny. Her head tucks under my chin and my fingers reach around her wrist. She never seems tiny. She's strong and fierce and more independent than I'll ever be. And now she's sixteen.

I wanted to take her to this posh restaurant Dad took me to a couple of weeks back but it's not open for lunch on a Sunday, and Ellie's parents weren't all that happy about her going out on a school night so now I'm meeting her at this other place that I hope is okay. Again, I checked with my little sister and she said it was great. Not that she'd have any idea, because basically she lives on cheese pasta, but she liked the sound of it. It has a fancy French name so that's something.

Ellie's late. It's nothing new. She's always late, but for some reason today it makes me nervous. We've been dating for ages and I'm never nervous with her. In fact she's the only person I know that makes me completely comfortable. Maybe this feeling of nerves has nothing to do with her. Maybe it's because I'm wearing a suit and I don't like the feel of the jacket on my shoulders, and I wish I'd just worn jeans and a shirt.

And then I see her. She's half running and half skipping down the other side of the road, dodging people walking towards her. She looks all frazzled like she knows she's running late and she's trying not to, and just the sight of her makes me grin. I want to call out but I don't want her to know I'm watching her so I wait until she gets close enough to see me. She's wearing a dress, which is about as out there as me wearing a suit, so I wonder if she's feeling as uncomfortable as I am. She stops to check her phone because she's probably trying to find the address and suddenly I can't wait any longer.

‘Ellie!' I call out across lanes of busy city traffic. She must hear me because she looks up and right into my heart. I see her smile and I don't wait for her to come to me. We both cross the road at the same time so we meet up in the middle, on the tram tracks.

‘Alex,' she says in that voice.

‘Happy birthday,' I say, leaning down to kiss her on her lipsticked lips. She slides her arms through mine and pulls me down even closer. Then I hear the jabbing ding of a tram and we jump apart, laughing, and I grab her hand and pull her across to the restaurant side of the road.

‘Are you wearing a suit for me?' she says, looking me up and down.

‘Are you wearing a dress for me?'

‘No. I'm wearing a dress because I want to wear a dress.'

I roll my eyes and she punches me in the arm. ‘You look …' I start to say but can't finish it because she just looks … like everything.

‘Happy birthday, El,' I say, leaning down for another kiss, but before I can reach her mouth, the door to the restaurant opens behind us and a couple walk out, making us move out of their way.

‘You hungry?'

‘Do they cook snails and things?'

‘Yep. Frogs legs. Snails. And some other buggy French things,' I joke.

She pulls a face. I never know when she's being a vegetarian. I slide my hand into hers and hold open the door for her.

It's not quite the sort of restaurant I expected. It's not just fancy; it's crazy fancy and almost silent. The waiters are in black suits and the tables are lit with candles, even though it's pretty sunny outside and the middle of the day. I suppose it's a grown-up's idea of romantic but I can't even reach Ellie's hand once we sit down. She feels miles away from me on the other side of the table and I can tell she's thinking the same thing.

‘This is … nice,' she says, looking up at me and pulling a funny face.

‘No good?'

She shrugs and I know it's her way of answering without wanting to upset me. I watch as she pulls the elastic from her tiny ponytails and then reties them. They're crooked, and I have a weird urge to reach over and fix them up for her, straighten them, so they look as neat as the rest of her today. I know this is all wrong. I should have just picked somewhere real and not some fancy place just to impress her.

A waiter swarms and hands me the menu.

‘Something to drink?'

Ellie kicks me under the table. She's right. We don't belong here. I stand up. ‘Sorry, we have to go.'

Ellie laughs and suddenly I don't care that the waiter is looking at me strangely or that other couples are paying us more attention than I'd usually like. Ellie reaches for my hand and giving it a giant squeeze of what can only be approval or relief, we make for the door as fast we can. I think someone tries to open the door for us, but Ellie bursts through it like she's escaping a fire or something and I wonder if she's being just a little dramatic.

‘I thought this was all part of the new Alex,' she says, outside on the footpath.

‘What do you mean?'

‘You know, fancy house, fancy school and now fancy food.'

Ellie's never been like this before. ‘I'm no different,' I say sharply.

She slides her arm around my waist. ‘Teasing,' she says.

‘Not funny, El. I was just trying to make your birthday special.'

She nods and gets this really serious face, before reaching up and finding my lips with hers.

‘I don't need a fancy restaurant for my birthday to be special. I just need you,' she whispers.

‘I wish my parents were out,' I whisper back, making her grin at me.

‘You having dirty thoughts, Alex Cormack?'

‘Always.'

She starts to laugh. ‘I'm starving. Let's have a picnic in that park near Parliament House.'

I pull a face. ‘Really?'

‘I'm a Macca's girl at heart. You know that.'

‘Ergh. No. At least let's get something edible.'

She laughs again. ‘Jake's right. You are a snob.'

Her words make me stop walking and pull my hand away. I don't know if it's because of what she just said or that she mentioned Jake in the same sentence, but the fact that we're walking down busy Collins Street and there are shoppers everywhere around us doesn't stop me from wanting to yell. I calm my voice enough to manage, ‘Jake's an idiot.'

Ellie pulls a face that I've seen before when she thinks someone's out of line. ‘He was your best friend until you moved schools.'

‘It has nothing to do with me moving schools, Ellie.'

‘So why don't you return his calls anymore?'

Fucking Jake. If he were here, right now, I'd put my fist through his teeth.

‘Because,' I say, steaming.

‘He told me to ask you why you guys don't hang out anymore.'

‘Since when have you and Jake been friends? I thought he creeped you out,' I say, remembering how Ellie didn't want us to all hang out together early on.

She shrugs and it makes me furious. ‘He's nice. I think you should see him more.'

‘Leave it, El,' I say, hoping she gets the seriousness in my voice. But if she does, then she clearly doesn't care because she steps closer to me, this look of determination on her face, like somehow this isn't just about me and Jake, it's about me and her too.

‘So why don't you hang out with him anymore? What's up with that?'

I close my eyes. This isn't happening today. Not on her birthday. Not on the day that I'd planned for everything to be so perfect.

‘Let's go to Macca's. I'll have a Happy Meal,' I say, trying to be light.

Ellie steps closer to me and I have this horrible feeling that something is circling, something I can't stop.

‘He said something happened last year …'

I swallow, feeling the sick in my throat. How do I play this?

‘Yeah, something happened … I met you,' I say, stepping closer and reaching for her, wishing I could rewind to the restaurant and stay there, eating snails and frogs legs and giggling with my girlfriend about how fancy it all is. We wouldn't be having this conversation if we were still sitting there. I would have given her the birthday present and she would be turning her head from side to side to show off the diamonds in her ears.

Ellie steps back and I can feel the pull of where this is going. ‘He said something bad happened …'

Right now I hate Jake Reynolds with everything I have.

I shrug, refusing to go into this in public. ‘Yeah, I left the borough.'

She shakes her head like I knew she would. Ellie isn't going to be fobbed off.

‘It's the reason you two aren't friends anymore, isn't it?'

‘Among other things.'

‘He was your best friend, Alex. Now he skips school all the time. He's going to fail the year. I just want to help.'

My heart is racing and I know a fight isn't far away. ‘It's like he matters more than I do.'

I know it's pathetic. I know she's going to snap my head off, but I'm tired of Jake staining everything. But instead of biting back, she smiles at me. I don't want her to think I'm being funny.

‘You jealous, Alex?'

‘No. I'm just …' But I don't know what I am. Confused. Scared. Worried. Guilty. So many things that don't fit with this day. I don't answer at first. I want to find the right words. ‘I really want to have a nice day, El. I've missed you.' It's as honest as I can be.

‘Yeah. But can you tell me what happened last year?'

‘Why does it matter?'

‘Because. Something happened and you won't tell me about it. Jake won't either. You know I hate secrets.'

I'm glaring at her. How do I tell my girlfriend someone died because of us? I can't. There's no coming back from that.

‘I don't want to talk about it.'

Ellie laughs and it's not a good sound. ‘Well, I do.'

I shake my head, because no matter what she says, I'm not going to spill my guts.

‘So you won't tell me?'

‘No. It's not about you. It happened and it's done,' I say, knowing how lame that sounds.

Ellie steps really close. I can see how angry she is. ‘If you can't tell me about it, Alex, then what are we doing together?'

‘This is crap, Ellie. It's no big deal. It's your birthday. I bought you this.' I pull the box out of my pocket and it gets stuck and the ribbon falls off as I yank it free. I know Sass would be really disappointed if she knew the ribbon had fallen off.

‘I don't want a present. I just want you to tell me what happened.'

‘But look,' I say and pull the rest of the wrapping off and open the box and hold it out to her, knowing that it's such a pathetic move to think she'll suddenly stop asking me about last year if she sees how glittery the diamonds are.

‘They're real diamonds,' I say, hating that I sound more like my dad than ever. What's happening to me?

Ellie looks at the box and then at me and her blue eyes are so furious that it frightens me. ‘You're fucking kidding me, Alex.'

Hearing how cold her words are, a couple stare at us and I feel even more exposed, like I should just tell her what happened and be done with it. But if I do then there's no going back. She will know what I am.

‘I think we should have some time apart …' she says coolly.

‘What?' I yell. I don't mean to but I'm so shocked by what she's saying.

She shrugs. ‘Until you work stuff out.'

‘No.'

‘Yes.'

‘But … but …' I snap the jewellery box shut and wedge it back into my pocket, glaring at the couple who are still loitering near the shop window, pretending not to listen.

‘Call me when you're ready to be honest,' she says as she starts walking away.

And I'm watching her leave, and I don't know what to do to stop her because there's nothing I can do.

‘Fuck,' I say too loudly for Collins Street on a Sunday. But I don't care, because it's either swear or burst into tears. I can't believe what just happened. This day that was going to be everything is now, thanks to my ex-best friend, the worst day of my life.

jake

I hear Ellie laugh and turn to see her reading her phone. She's not supposed to have her phone out in the library, but that's Ellie for you. Always bending the rules slightly. I'm trying to read Macbeth but I've read the same speech about ten times. Sorry, Shakespeare, you just don't do it for me. Study period isn't exactly my favourite time of the day, but after Mum's big begging plea last night, I'm trying to get through a day of classes and actually do what I'm supposed to do. Besides, I quite like hanging out with Ellie. She laughs again.

‘Give,' I say, causing her to look up. One of the other students tells me to shoosh, but Ellie just smiles.

‘Alex. He's in the debating team.'

I snort and hold out my hand for her phone, daring her to let me into her and Alex's private world. She shakes her head and pockets it in the front pouch of the denim overalls she's been wearing all week. It's the best thing about school. Seeing what outfit Ellie will turn up in.

‘Aw, come on …'

‘Nah. It's personal,' she says loudly, earning us another fierce shoosh from the other table.

‘I can't imagine Alex debating anything,' I say, trying to make her tell me more about his text. I am aware of how pathetic it is, to try and steal moments from my ex-best friend's life through his girlfriend, but what can I say? I'm desperate.

‘I think Alex secretly loves that place,' says Ellie with just a little criticism in her voice.

I look at her, watching as she pulls the hair elastics out and shakes her hair so it falls loose. I know it'll only be a minute or two before she puts them back in again. She looks over and smiles at me.

‘You ever going to finish reading that?' She nods at my copy of Macbeth.

‘No. I'm not.'

‘Come on, Jake. If you don't, you'll probably …'

‘Fail?'

‘No. But this is it. If you don't start taking it seriously you'll be stuck here forever,' she says, as she starts retying her ponytails.

‘What, in the library?'

‘No. You know what I mean.'

‘It's not so bad.'

She frowns at me. ‘That's rubbish and you know it. What happened to Science Boy? You were topping the class last year.'

I remember. Mum's face when she read my report. How I aced the Naplan in numeracy. How shocked everyone was that I was actually kind of smart.

I shrug, playing down how I feel. ‘That was last year. It's harder this year.'

‘Yeah, I imagine it's much harder if you never come to class,' she says sarcastically.

‘It doesn't matter, Ellie.'

She raises an eyebrow at me and it's what Mum would do if we were having this discussion. It's an ‘I know you know that's bullshit' kind of response. It's exactly why I like Ellie. She doesn't take crap from anyone.

‘What does Alex think?'

I laugh at that. ‘We don't really talk anymore … you saw how he was at the party.'

She nods. She must know that. He must have told her. ‘I figured something had happened, but he made it sound like you didn't want to hang around him anymore now he's at the fancy school.'

‘Yeah, right!'

She moves her chair closer and there's a hint of something sweet, like she's been chewing grape bubble gum and the smell has clung to her.

‘So why don't you hang out? Is it because of me?'

I shake my head, feeling sad Ellie would think that.

‘No. It's because of something that happened last year …'

Ellie's eyes widen and I know I should shut up. So I pick up my copy of Macbeth and start reading. Ellie's not the sort of person you can deter. She takes the book from my hand and leans in so close that I can see the spray of tiny freckles on her nose. I wonder if Alex knows how lucky he is.

‘Spill …'

I shake my head.

‘What happened last year?'

‘Something bad.'

‘What do you mean?'

I sigh. This is not a good idea. ‘Something we did … and that's all I'm saying, Ellie. You want to know more, ask your boyfriend.'

She nods. ‘Fair enough. I will.'

I groan. ‘Actually, don't ask your boyfriend. Just forget about it. Maybe Alex and I aren't friends anymore because he moved. I have no idea. It doesn't matter.'

‘If you actually finished Macbeth, then you'd know how much it matters to stay friends with your friends …'

‘If you stopped interrogating me, maybe I could finish it!'

This makes her laugh and the sound is so beautiful in the still, quiet library that I wish I could be the reason for it again and again and again.

I do try and read it. I know she's right. I know if I don't at least turn up to class, read the prescribed texts and hand in my homework, then I'll fail. I am failing. Less than a month into year ten and I'm drowning.

‘Have you read it?' I whisper to Ellie.

She pretends telling me to shoosh just so she can get in before the others do. Then she nods. Of course she has. She's one of the smartest kids I know.

‘I can't,' I say, slapping the book down deliberately loudly.

‘Yes, you can. You just have to find the rhythm of the language. It's not that hard,' she says quietly.

She may be right but I can't concentrate on things like Shakespeare. I can't even concentrate on the crime shows Mum watches so I can chat to her about them.

‘You aren't going to read it, are you?'

I shake my head. Is it that obvious? Do I have ‘loser' written across my face? Maybe.

‘I've got cheat notes at home if you want to borrow them. It's not the same as reading it but it might get you through an exam.'

‘Thanks, Ellie,' I say, even though I know I'm not going to read the cheat notes either.

‘Come on, bell's about to go. Let's get hot chips before they sell out,' says Ellie as she packs her stuff into her bag. I grab everything I can and shove it in my backpack, leaving Macbeth on the table. She picks it up and hands it to me. ‘You never know. You might wake up in the middle of the night with a hankering for Shakespeare.'

‘Yeah. And Alex might ring me back,' I say sarcastically.

I follow her out of the library and down the corridor to the canteen. It smells like burnt pasta already even though they haven't served any yet. We stand against the wall, waiting for them to open up for lunch.

‘Do you think he's changed?'

‘Yeah,' I say, wishing the doors would open and I could talk about reheated chip oil instead of Alex.

Ellie bumps against me playfully. ‘He seems sad to me. He was really late the last time I saw him. Thought he was going to stand me up. Something's definitely wrong. Maybe he misses you.'

I'm glad she notices it too but I don't want to talk about this with her.

‘Ellie …' I do try and warn her to back off, but she smiles and keeps going. It's not her fault that she doesn't understand killing someone is the reason Alex and I aren't friends anymore, not him moving to a different school.

‘Why don't you come over on the weekend and I'll get Alex to come too. It'll be a surprise. Like a blind friend date,' she says, smiling at her own idea.

I shake my head. ‘You saw what happened at the party. No way.' My hand aches with the memory.

‘Chicken.'

‘Ellie, if only you knew just how true that is.'

‘It won't be like that party. It'll just be us. At my place,' she says.

‘Nah, but thanks,' I say.

The bell sounds in the corridor and within seconds kids stream out towards the canteen, just as the door is unlocked and Ellie rushes in. I let her go alone. I'm not hungry anymore.