Everything I Do: a Robin Hood romance (Rosa Fitzwalter Book 1) (39 page)

“You can stay with the man I had planned originally, I’ll arrange it…”

“No,” she interrupted him simply. “I’m sorry my sweet friend, but I couldn’t be dependent on your care anymore. I will find a new life with my brother, if he wants to.”

Robin looked at her, astonished, and for a second he couldn’t speak.

“You are speaking madness,” he whispered, getting up on shaking legs. “What are you saying? You… you can’t! I won’t
let
you, I’ll…” his breath was coming short and he felt dizzy. No, he couldn’t be losing her, not like this. Not after she had forgiven him about everything.

“You cannot always have your way, Robin,” she sighed, looking at him, kindness shining in her green eyes. “You cannot always push for what you want…”

“You are asking of me the impossible,” he said, through clenched teeth, reaching for her hands. “Please, my sweet girl, you’ve forgiven my folly, I know; don’t let my stubbornness separate us.”

She pushed him away resolutely. A look had entered her eyes, a look of pure determination that scared him, for he knew it well.

“At least for one thing, I thought I was sure,” she said, her cheeks flushing in anger. “I have made my decision and although Sir Gavin and my brother are not bound to respect it, I thought you would.”

She stopped for breath, and Robin, shocked, tried to say:
“Rosa, please don’t speak like this…” but she went on, her voice breaking.

“I have nothing more to say to you. I thank you for your great generosity, my good master, and for saving my life… so many times, although of late it certainly has seemed a terrible waste of your time and efforts.”

At this he paled visibly and reached out a hand to steady himself.

“What are you saying?” he whispered, horrified. “Rosa, what is this despair I hear in your voice? Do you indeed think your life a waste?”

She made as if to leave, but he took her arm and stopped her.

“Answer me,” he commanded.

For once, however, she did not bend to his will.

“Let go of my arm,” she said.

He had no choice but to obey her and stand back, watching in utter helplessness as she walked back to the kitchens.

CHAPTER
15

THE DOGS

She had barely entered the hall when Julian ran to her, his hair disheveled, his eyes wild.

“Come, quick,” he told her curtly.

She looked up into his face in question, and he saw the whiteness of her cheeks and the sadness of her red-rimmed eyes.  “Are you all right?” he asked her in a different tone. “Maybe… maybe you shouldn’t come after all.” And then, looking behind her, his expression hardened. “And
you
definitely shouldn’t come. Why, of all the stupid notions…”

“What’s happened?” Robin’s baritone boomed behind her, and she steeled herself, feeling his presence powerful, filling the space.

“You said I had to come quick,” Rosa reminded Julian anxiously, the color suddenly draining from her face at a thought.

He looked at her and she understood.

“No. Oh no,” she whispered. “What have I done?”

Suddenly she swayed on her feet and Julian reached out an arm just in time to catch her.

“Easy,” he said. “There is no more rush. What’s done is done. He is asking for you, though.”

“Is he wounded?” she asked, anxiously. “Is Sir Gavin wounded?”

“Will one of you tell me what on earth you are talking about?” Robin asked, at the end of his tether, as they started walking towards the stairs.

Julian turned to look at him, his eyes hooded with sorrow.

“Sir Gavin found the man,” he said simply. “Turn out he
didn’t
have a lick of brains, and he came back to try to… finish what he’d began…”

“Spare us the details,” Robin interrupted, looking himself as though he was about to swoon.

“Anyway, Sir Gavin fought with him. The man was one of Nottingham’s elite spies, turns out. He… confessed everything, he was rather proud of his evil deeds. He was killed in the duel. And Sir Gavin lies mortally wounded.”

“I killed him,” Sir Gavin said, as soon as Rosa knelt next to his bed and took his white hand in hers.

She was shaking, but had a firm grip on her emotions.

Robin stood behind her, watching her hold back her terror, biting his lip out of desperation that he couldn’t help her.

“Dry eyes,” Sir Gavin said, speaking with a catch in his voice. “That’s my girl,” he added with satisfaction.

“I didn’t want to ruin your life, to… to cause your death” Rosa said, in a voice that was barely trembling. “I didn’t mean to repay your kindness to me with pain.”

Sir Gavin tried to raise himself up on one elbow, but his strength was going. Still, he smiled. Rosa had never seen his face look so calm, his eyes so at peace. All the bitterness was gone. The joy in his countenance was breathtaking.

“You think you could ruin my life?” he asked her tenderly. “No. I was dead before I found you. Did you not see it when you first met me? I was dead before you.”

“I did see,” she said quietly.

“Well, it’s true. And now I have finally done something good with my life.” He leaned back. “How foolish, how futile to have thought revenge was the answer to all the unjustice that was done to me. You…” he took Rosa’s hand gently in his, “you taught me there is greater power in sacrifice than there is in anything else in the world.”

Rosa fought the urge to cry and gripped his hand like a lifeline.

“Robin,” Sir Gavin said in a second, “it’s just as well you won’t have to kill me. Or you, Julian.”

“What?” Robin asked in a strangled voice. “Don’t say things like that, my friend.”

“And I know, as I leave it, that my country lies in good, honorable hands,” he went on with a glance at Robin. “Who would have thought it, our future depending on a band of outlaws, and what’s more I  entrust them with my most precious…” a weak cough shook him and Rosa bent close to him to wipe the splatter of blood on his lips.

He reached for her, then thought better of it. He turned his head away and his lips trembled at some sudden emotion.

“This is a good way to die,” he said in a second, smiling his rare smile.

“It’s my fault,” Rosa whispered, her eyes blank and horrified.

Robin placed a strong arm around her waist. “No!” he whispered back to her, furiously.

She turned to look at him and his heart broke. Her eyes were luminous with unshed tears, her lips trembling.

“If you do not want me to think the same thing about you in a moment,” she said quietly, “you will get up and go hide yourself somewhere safe. And as soon as it is dark, you will go.”

He didn’t want to obey her.

At least he needed to talk to her first, they had left things badly.

But he saw that Sir Gavin’s moments were numbered and he could sense his feelings for Rosa, so well-concealed all this time, only now surfacing for one final time. He couldn’t begrudge him that.

He got up and knelt next to Sir Gavin.

“I cannot find the words to thank you,” he told him.

“You don’t need to,” Sir Gavin answered. “Only see to it that she isn’t hurt like this again. She has been through much more pain than she should have.”

“I… I’ll try.” Robin said in a strangled voice, hearing the reproach in the dying man’s words. Sir Gavin tugged him closer weakly. Robin bent his head towards his ear.

“I fell in love with her, you know,” Sir Gavin breathed with difficulty.

“I know,” Robin whispered back, his eyes brimming with tears. “Me too.”

Sir Gavin died at the first light of dawn. “Forgive me,” he said to Rosa, as he felt his life going.

“What for?” she asked.

“For caring for you,” he answered simply.

Rosa got up and pressed her lips gently to his forehead.

“You saved my life,” was Sir Gavin’s final words to her.

He died with a smile on his lips.

…

After the funeral, Rosa decided to stay on for a few days at the castle, in order to take care of the arrangements and the servants until the new proprietor would come to claim the lands. She mourned Sir Gavin and cried with silent, violent sobs during many sleepless nights, worrying that she would wake Julian who slept in a pallet next to her bed; but in the morning she got to work with a smile on her face.

Guilt ate at her constantly. For Sir Gavin’s death, most of all, but also for Robin’s absence. It was she herself that had sent him away, and she did not regret her decision, but she feared that after their confrontation he was too eager to obey her for once.

Soon enough, the time came for them to leave.

She had thought long and hard about her decision, Robin’s tormented eyes constantly in front of her, an image scorched into her mind. She knew he loved her, and she knew he would sacrifice anything to be by her side -he’d proven it as well as said it. And yet she couldn’t shake off the feeling of helplessness that had overpowered her the day that Robin learned the truth about her.

She had difficulty trusting that his guilt and feelings of gratitude didn’t play a part in his devotion to her. She remembered well how he took care of her and protected her while she was living in the forest, but then again, most of the time, and quite inexplicably, he seemed to withdraw from her. She could guess the reasons that kept him away and she understood them, but she much feared the same irrational logic would resurface in his mind once she was back in his protection.

Julian had clearly stated to her that she was his priority now, and although Robin Hood has his allegiance and immense loyalty, he’d do whatever made
her
happy.

So she decided to go and see her chief. She’d make light of it and tell him of her plans with Julian, to go and live in a little house somewhere near the sea. He’d be happy for her, that’s what he’d wanted for her from the very beginning. And she would rejoice in the thought that she wouldn’t burden him any more with guilt, and decisions, just remain as a -mostly- happy, passionate memory of his youth.

She would be saying goodbye.

They started on their journey before sunrise, and reached the outskirts of the forest sometime after noon. They stopped often to rest, because Rosa’s wound was still not entirely healed, and Julian worried about her. She laughed his concerns away, but the day was so glorious, the trees around them luminous with early spring, carrying the blue sky in their fragrant branches, that she didn’t mind enjoying her fill of it.

They were finishing off the small luncheon they’d packed with them, when they heard hoof beats approaching, and, instinctively, they both got up and hid themselves among the thick foliage of the nearest tree’s lower branches.

It was a retinue of monks, traveling from one monastery to another most probably, and they trudged on below them, dragging a wooden cart on squeaky wheels behind them. As soon as they were gone -which wasn’t soon at all, Rosa climbed down in one swift, agile movement, and motioned to Julian to do the same.

“What,” he said as soon as his feet touched the ground, “are you doing?”

“Why, I’m going after them, of course,” Rosa replied, already running in the direction the slow progression had disappeared. “Come on, we’re going to lose them.”

“First of all,” Julian sighed. “I don’t think we
can
lose them, at the pace they’re going. And second… Why on earth would we want to track a miserable line of dirty priests?”