Elusive Love (9 page)

“Out.” I turned away and opened the door. “I’ll be back tonight. Don’t ask me what time because I honestly have no idea.”

With that, I slammed the door behind me, not giving him a chance to say anything else.

My entire body was humming with suppressed rage as I drove. My anger was a living, breathing thing. All I wanted to do was go back to the apartment and slap Joey. I wanted to make him hurt the way he’d hurt me so many times.

I slammed my hand against the steering wheel in frustration. Why the fuck was everything so hard? It seemed like our lives were constantly in disarray, one tidal wave of problems after another. I knew deep down that Joey didn’t deserve all of my anger, but it didn’t diminish the way I felt.

I wished I could go back in time to a younger version of myself with the knowledge I had now. I would change so much. My timidness and my lack of self-esteem were the root of all my problems. I’d fallen for Joey simply because he’d seemed to care about me when I expected no one else to ever care. If I had known then what my life would be like now, I would’ve walked away. No, I would have run away in the opposite direction as fast as I possibly could.

Back then, I’d thought the worst possible outcome to my life would be being alone forever. I knew better now. I would have much rather been alone all these years instead of dealing with the constant back and forth that surrounded my life and my relationship with my husband.

The only problem was, if I had run away from Joey, I never would have had Amelia. That realization alone made me wonder if I really would have changed things if I’d had the chance to do it all over again.

I was surprised when I found myself pulling up in front of Ethan’s house. I’d never meant to come here. I’d only wanted to escape Joey and all our problems. Somehow, my mind had taken me here.

I stared at Ethan’s house, wondering if I should knock on his door. Ethan had been my rock lately, allowing me to dump all my problems onto him without a single complaint. Even though he hadn’t seemed to mind, I felt bad. He didn’t deserve to hear every sordid part of my life. If I went in there now, he would have to hear more.

I remembered what he’d said to me the day we’d gone fishing.

“If you ever need to get away or…to breathe, come find me, okay? Bring Amelia if you have to, but don’t just run off. Come to me.”

That made my mind up for me. If Ethan hadn’t wanted to deal with my problems, he never would have said that to me.

I climbed out of my car and walked to his front door. I knocked timidly, suddenly worried that I had shown up at a bad time.

Before I could worry for too long, the door swung open, and there he stood.

Ethan gave me a confused look before stepping out onto his porch. “Caley, what’s wrong?” he asked, his voice guarded.

“You told me to come to you if I ever needed to get away, so here I am.” I paused. “I hope it’s okay for me to be here. Maybe I should have called or something first.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I just finished eating dinner.” He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. “And I was headed outside to smoke when I heard you knock.”

“So, I’m not interrupting any plans or anything?” I asked.

He offered me the pack. I took a cigarette from him and allowed him to light it for me.

He lit his own and blew the smoke upward. “Nah, just another boring evening.”

He sat down on his steps, and I joined him. We sat in silence for a few minutes, both of us puffing on our cigarettes.

“So, what did he do?” Ethan asked finally, clearly picking up on my irritable mood. Maybe it was the way I was glaring at my cigarette that gave it away.

“He accepted an offer from his work without asking me. They’re transferring all their guys to an out-of-state site during the week. I shouldn’t be mad, but I am. If he hadn’t agreed to working out of state, they would have been forced to let him go.”

“So, why are you angry with him then?”

“Because he didn’t even ask me first. Even though it’s not his fault, I’m still pissed over the fact that he’ll be gone all week. Amelia won’t see him. He won’t be around to help me with her at all. She’s going to be upset once she realizes he’s gone all the time.”

He was silent for a moment, a wary look on his face. “I hate to say this, but I’m going to have to take his side on this one. I mean, it’s not his fault that they forced him to decide between not having a job or being away from home. He’s doing what he has to do to support his family.”

I glared at him for a moment before sighing. “I hate when you’re right. I hate it even more when you’re in agreement with him. I thought you were on my side.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m on your side. I just felt the need to point out the logic of his decision.”

“Logic sucks,” I grumbled. “Our relationship is awful to begin with. What does he expect to happen if he’s never around? It certainly won’t get better. In fact, it’ll make things ten times worse. I’ve fought so hard to stay with him because of Amelia. She needs her dad in her life. She deserves to see us together. He’s taking that away from her.”

When Ethan didn’t reply, I looked over at him. “Well?”

“I don’t really know what to say to that, Caley. All I can tell you is that no matter what happens between you and Joey, Amelia will be happy as she grows up. It won’t matter if you’re with Joey or not. She’ll know she has two parents who love her very much.”

I shook my head but didn’t say anything. Ethan didn’t understand. He wasn’t a parent. I’d watched some of my friends struggle with their parents’ divorces in school. If the divorce itself hadn’t obliterated them, then the constant bickering and being forced to choose between parents did. I didn’t want that for Amelia.

“Are you nervous?” I asked, suddenly changing the subject. “About tomorrow, I mean. Meeting my dad and getting everything squared away.”

Ethan shrugged. “Not really. I’m too thankful over the fact that I’ll have more money coming in, so I’m not worried about anything else.”

“I think you’re going to like working at the shop. The guys are really down-to-earth. Don’t get me wrong. My dad makes sure they stay busy, but overall, it’s a good place to work. Plus, you’ll get to see my smiling face pretty much every single day.”

He frowned. “Since you’re the boss’s daughter, does that make you my boss?”

I laughed. “No, definitely not. I just work there. I have no desire to be anyone’s boss.”

“Good. I’d hate to take orders from a woman,” he said with a serious face.

My mouth dropped open in surprise at his remark.

Before I could respond, he cracked a grin. “I’m just screwing with you. Calm down before you have a stroke.”

I leaned over and smacked his arm hard. “You’re an ass. Just for that, I’ll be the biggest pain in the ass while you’re working there.”

“Sure ya will,” he said. His phone chirped in his pocket, and he pulled it out. The grin slid from his face as he read the message on the screen. He glanced over at me before quickly looking away.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He shoved his phone back into his pocket.

“Ethan, come on. I constantly drop all my problems on you. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong exactly. It’s just…she texted me. She wants to hang out tonight.”

“She?” Then, it hit me. “Oh,
she
—the girl.”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Well, are you going to text her back?”

He shook his head. “Nah.”

“Why not? Because I’m here, complaining about my sad little life, like always?” I said, suddenly annoyed with myself. I was also annoyed with the girl even though I had no reason to be. “That’s crap, Ethan. Text her back. I need to go home anyway.”

“You don’t have to leave,” he said as I stood.

“Yes, I do. You have your own life to live. You don’t need to be constantly caught up in mine. Besides, I got away for a while. I feel better now.”

He hesitated. “Are you sure? Seriously, it’s no big deal if you want to stay.”

“Nah, I’m good.” I walked over to my car. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, tomorrow,” he said.

I opened my door and climbed in. He was still standing on his porch, watching me, when I pulled away. I closed my eyes for a brief moment before opening them again and continuing down the road. I refused to hold Ethan back. He deserved better than that.

I clocked out and headed to the restroom to change out of my filthy uniform. Once I was in a decent pair of jeans and a plain black shirt, I tossed my soiled work clothes into my backpack and headed outside.

I waved at a few of the guys as I walked past the shop and headed to my car. I kept my pace slow and steady, but inside, I was nervous. It wasn’t just because I would be meeting with my new boss for the first time. It wasn’t even because I was running behind. No, it was because of
her.
I would be seeing her soon, and after today, I would be seeing her on pretty much every fucking day for the foreseeable future.

After these last few weeks, I should’ve been used to seeing her. It seemed that I was the first person she would run to when things got hard. I didn’t mind, not at all. I relished the fact that I could calm her troubled mind and ease her sorrows even if it was only for a few minutes. It made me feel as if I was taking care of her, protecting her, even though I knew that was a lie. I couldn’t protect her from the life she had chosen, the man she had married.

Married.
God, I was a fool.

I’d kept stepping deeper and deeper into her life even though I knew it was wrong.

The way I felt about her was wrong. She wasn’t mine, nor would she ever be. I could see it in her eyes every single time she looked at me. There was no way she would leave her husband. She despised him, but she wouldn’t do it. In her mind, leaving him meant ruining her daughter’s life. I couldn’t grasp how she’d come to that conclusion, but I had never truly asked for an explanation for her reasoning. I didn’t deserve one. She had no reason to explain her choices to me.

I never should have agreed to take this job at her father’s shop, knowing that I would constantly be around her now. I could handle the small periods of time when she was near because it would usually be days before I saw her again, giving me time to regroup and remind myself that, no matter what I felt, it didn’t matter. It couldn’t matter.

But it did. I was falling in love with Caley, and I hated myself for that. The fact that she was married should have instantly shut down any feelings I had, but that definitely hadn’t happened. To make it worse, I knew how miserable she was in her marriage. Joey, the fucking asshole that he was, made her miserable on a daily basis.

I wanted to tell her that someone better was out there, someone who would really take care of her. I wanted her to know that her life could be so much more, but I’d kept my mouth shut. If I told her that, she’d laugh in my face, unable to believe that a man could care for her. I would never understand why she thought so little of herself.

When I’d first met her, I’d barely paid attention to her. I’d been wrapped up in my girlfriend at the time, Andrea. My mind had been too focused on her to notice anything else. Then, I’d started to notice Caley. She had been quiet most of the time, but when she opened her mouth, I always found myself laughing. Her smile had made
me
smile. When I’d stopped and
really
looked at her for the first time, I’d wondered how I could have missed how pretty she was.