Drunk With Blood (22 page)

1 Kings 2.29-46

Number Killed: 2

Joab and Shimei

You can tell a lot about a person by his or her last words. Take David’s last words, for example.

In David’s last words to his son Solomon, he asked him to murder Joab.

Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6

So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.

It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 2.29-34

And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.

Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2.8-9

So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.

So the king commanded Benaiah ... which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2.44-46

God, of course, wanted these people murdered, too. He approved of everything David did, except for the matter of Uriah (1 Kings 15.5).

1 Kings 14.17

Number Killed: 1

Jeroboam’s son

The story begins with a sick child, Abijah, the son of King Jeroboam.

At that time Abijah the son of Jeroboam fell sick. 1 Kings 14.1

Jeroboam was worried about his son, so he told his wife to go ask the blind prophet Ahijah what will become of him.

Jeroboam said to his wife, Arise, I pray thee, and disguise thyself ... and get thee to Shiloh: behold, there is Ahijah the prophet, which told me that I should be king over this people ... He shall tell thee what shall become of the child. 14.2-3

So she went to Ahijah’s house.

Jeroboam’s wife … arose, and went to Shiloh, and came to the house of Ahijah. 14.4a

Before she arrived, God came to tell Ahijah that Jeroboam’s wife would be coming to visit. God told him what he planned to do.

But Ahijah could not see; for his eyes were set by reason of his age. And the LORD said unto Ahijah, Behold, the wife of Jeroboam cometh to ask a thing of thee for her son; for he is sick: thus and thus shalt thou say unto her: for it shall be, when she cometh in, that she shall feign herself to be another woman. 14:4b-5

So when Jeroboam’s wife arrived, Ahijah told her he had some bad news.

When Ahijah heard the sound of her feet, as she came in at the door … he said, Come in, thou wife of Jeroboam; why feignest thou thyself to be another? for I am sent to thee with heavy tidings. 14.6

He said that God made Jeroboam king, but that Jeroboam wasn’t perfect like God’s servant David was. In fact, Jeroboam had acted worse than anyone who had ever lived up to that time. (God loves to exaggerate!)

Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Forasmuch as I exalted thee from among the people, and made thee prince over my people Israel, And rent the kingdom away from the house of David, and gave it thee: and yet thou hast not been as my servant David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me with all his heart, to do that only which was right in mine eyes; But hast done evil above all that were before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other gods, and molten images, to provoke me to anger, and hast cast me behind thy back. 14.7-9

So to punish Jeroboam, God would kill all of Jeroboam’s sons (or, as God put it, all those “that pisseth against the wall”).

Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall. 14.10a

And dispose of Jeroboam’s family as though they were pieces of shit.

And will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10b

Then he’ll feed whatever is left of them to the dogs, if they lived in the city, or to the birds, if they were country folk.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11

And finally, God will kill Jeroboam’s sick son. As soon as the mother of the sick boy returns home, her son will die.

Arise thou therefore, get thee to thine own house: and when thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die. 14.12

After hearing the words of God from his prophet Ahijah, Jeroboam’s wife returned home. And God killed the sick boy the moment his mother entered his room.

Jeroboam’s wife arose, and departed … and when she came to the threshold of the door, the child died. 14.17

1 Kings 15.29-30

Estimated Number Killed: 10

Jeroboam’s family

The reason for this killing was the same as the last (
88
): God disliked Jeroboam (he was the worst person in the world) so he killed his son.

Now he’s back for the rest of the family.

I think God may have gotten a bit carried away with this one, though. Remember how he told Jeroboam’s wife that he was going to kill everyone in the house of Jeroboam “that pisseth against the wall”?

Behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall. 1 Kings 14.10

Well, usually “wall pissers” are taken to be males, but apparently God killed the entire family, including females.

God didn’t do the killing himself, though, this time. He had Baasha do it for him. First Baasha killed Jeroboam’s son Nadab, who became king of Israel after Jeroboam died. (Nadab was completely evil, too, just like his dad.)

Nadab the son of Jeroboam began to reign over Israel ... And he did evil in the sight of the LORD, and walked in the way of his father, and in his sin wherewith he made Israel to sin … and Baasha smote him ... and reigned in his stead. 15.25-28

Then God had Baasha kill Jeroboam’s entire family, wall pissers and non wall pissers, alike. “He smote … any that breathed … according unto the saying of the Lord.”

He smote all the house of Jeroboam; he left not to Jeroboam any that breathed, until he had destroyed him, according unto the saying of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Ahijah the Shilonite: Because of the sins of Jeroboam which he sinned, and which he made Israel sin, by his provocation wherewith he provoked the LORD God of Israel to anger. 15.29-30

The Bible doesn’t say whether or not the bodies of the dead family were treated like shit, as God said they would be.

Behold, I … will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10

Or whether God fed their remains to the dogs and the birds, as he said he would.

Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11

But I suppose that’s what happened.

The text doesn’t say how many were killed in this killing, so I’ll just say 10.

1 Kings 16:11-12

Estimated Number Killed: 20

Baasha’s family and friends

Remember how God made Jeroboam king and then killed his son (
88
) and the rest of his family (
89
) because he didn’t like something that Jeroboam did? Yeah, well, he’s at it again.

This time it’s King Baasha that he’s pissed off about. Baasha became king by killing Jeroboam’s son, Nadab, and then slaughtered the rest of Jeroboam’s family, “according to the saying of the Lord.”

Now you’d think that God would thank Baasha for doing his dirty work for him. But if so, you’d be wrong about that. God was angry at Baasha for killing Jeroboam’s family, even though he inspired him to do it. God works in really creepy ways.

God made his plans known in the usual way: he sent a prophet (Jehu) to tell Baasha the bad news.

Then the word of the LORD came to Jehu … Behold, I will take away the posterity of Baasha, and the posterity of his house; and will make thy house like the house of Jeroboam … Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat … for all the evil that he did in the sight of the LORD, in provoking him to anger with the work of his hands, in being like the house of Jeroboam; and because he killed him. 1 Kings 16.1-7

Yep, that’s right. God will kill everyone in Baasha’s family and feed their bodies to the dogs and birds.

But God doesn’t do anything to Baasha. He just waits for him to die and then has his family slaughtered to teach him a lesson. (The best way to teach a man a lesson is to kill his family after he dies.)

So Baasha slept with his fathers, and was buried in Tirzah: and Elah his son reigned in his stead. 16.6

After Baasha died, his son Elah was king for two years. One of Elah’s captains (Zimri) was selected by God to do the killing. First he killed Elah (while he was “drinking himself drunk”) and then all of Baasha’s family and friends—all those that pissed against a wall, anyway.

His servant Zimri, captain of half his chariots, conspired against him ... drinking himself drunk ... And Zimri went in and smote him, and killed him ... and reigned in his stead ...
When he began to reign …he slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD, which he spake against Baasha by Jehu the prophet. 16.9-12

So God had all of Baasha’s wall-pissing friends and family killed. It doesn’t say how many that was, so I’ll just guess 20: 10 friends and 10 family members.