Down to You (23 page)

I can’t keep all the bitterness I’ve buried
for so long from leeching out into my voice. It’s almost like I
want her to see it, want her to feel it. Like her knowing will
somehow make it less painful. I don’t know why that is, what it is
about this girl that makes a difference, but instinctively I know
it does.
She
does.

“So all this time, you’ve been leading two
separate lives. Lying to everyone in the world. Including the
police.”

My stomach feels hollow at her words.
“Yes.”

Of all the pain I’ve endured, I think what
actually hurts the most is the disgust I see on her face.

“Why? How? How could you do that? To the
living, but also to the memory of the dead?”

I feel tired. So tired. Suddenly, the toll of
this life and the deception of it feels like a freight train
sitting on my chest.

“I lost everything in that explosion.
Everyone I ever loved was taken from me. Everything I called ‘home’
was gone in the blink of an eye. I thought the least I could do was
bring some kind of honor to their memory.”

“This is how you honor their memory?”

I squeeze the bridge of my nose, wishing I
could curtail the increasing throb I feel behind my eyes. “It’s
kind of hard to explain. Both my parents wanted nothing more than
for Nash and me to make something of ourselves. Anything would’ve
been better than to follow in our father’s footsteps. And Nash was
brilliant. He had so much ahead of him. So much more than I did. It
just didn’t seem right that he would be the one to end up dead. I
did the best I could to make my parents proud and to give Nash the
name and the reputation that he deserved. That he would’ve had if
he were alive.”

Olivia is absolutely silent. That would worry
me if not for the look of sympathetic understanding that I can see
rising in her eyes, on her expressive face. As tender and
good-hearted as she is, maybe she’ll be able to understand my
reasoning. I just have to make sure to explain it all to her. In
depth.

“On top of that, I knew that if I pursued a
law degree, there might be a chance I could do something to help my
father.”

She perks up at that. I’m not surprised at
all that Olivia is the type to root for the underdog, to feel the
need to find justice, that kind of thing. She’s just a good person.
Much better than I deserve. Nash would be worthy of her. But not
me.

And yet I can’t seem to make myself stay away
from her.

“Do you really think you could change things?
Make a difference?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, but I’m certainly
looking into it. It’s one of the biggest reasons I wanted in with a
big, powerful law firm, like your uncle’s.”

“Do they know?” she asks. “About your father,
I mean?”

“Yes. That’s not something I thought I could
keep secret, so I’ve been honest with a few select people about it.
And they know what I’m working toward, that I want to help him win
an appeal. I’ve been able to get some incredible insight by
observing some of the partners and being involved there.”

Olivia nods, but doesn’t say anything for
what seems like forever. But when she does, it is very much worth
the wait.

She’s looking down at her fingers, whether
because she doesn’t want me to see that she cares or because she’s
still not sure she does. But I feel such profound relief, I don’t
need to see her eyes. Her words say it all.

“Is it dangerous?”

I smile. “No, I don’t think so. My father has
kept quiet all this time. I hope he’s fallen off their radar.”

“Kept quiet?”

I pause. And then there’s this part. “Uh,
yeah. He was, um, pretty desperate to get away and he chose
an…inadvisable way to try and regain his freedom.”

“And what inadvisable way was that?”

I exhale loudly. “Blackmail.”

Her mouth drops open in disbelief. “Your dad
tried to blackmail the mob? Has he never seen
The
Godfather?”

I can’t help but laugh. “I don’t think that’s
quite like the reality of things, but yeah, it was pretty stupid.
What he did.” I feel that old familiar spike of pain radiate
through my chest. “He paid dearly for his mistake. We all did.”

“What was the blackmail? Or should I not ask
things like that?”

She’s curious, yes, but I can see by her face
she’s
cautiously
curious.

“He took a couple of books. Accounting books.
Ledgers.”

Olivia gasps and covers her mouth with both
her hands. “Holy shit,” I hear her say behind them. Her emerald
eyes are wide with disbelief. “Ohmigod, it’s just like the movies!
Did he turn them over to anyone?”

I shake my head sharply. “No! That was part
of their threat. If he were to give them to the police, we’d all be
dead.”

“So, what are you trying to do to help him
then?”

“Well, I’ve finally gotten Marissa’s dad to
take over the case, so I can have a look at all the files.
Unfortunately, the evidence is pretty damning.”

She scoots up to the edge of her seat
cushion. “Well, do you have another plan? Isn’t there something
else you can do, some other avenue you can take?”

I clear my throat. “Actually, I think there
might be. But it’s dangerous. Probably very dangerous.”

She narrows her eyes. “What is it?”

I stop and think before I continue. This is
the only part that could ever really pose a threat to her, although
just
knowing
about it shouldn’t be dangerous. But still…

“I have the books he took.”

Her brows shoot up and her eyes get round.
“Are you kidding me? You have the books that were so important, so
dangerous that someone blew up your father’s boat to keep him
quiet?”

Even though we are alone, I’m still paranoid.
I fight the urge to look over my shoulder. “Yes,” I say quietly. “I
made him give them to me before he got arrested. I promised him I’d
keep them hidden. And safe. Even though they’re what got him in
trouble in the first place, they’re also what’s keeping him alive.
As long as they know they’re out there, we’re safe.”

“And you think you can use them to…what?”

“I wasn’t really going to tell you what you
were looking at, but I was going to have you look over the books.
I’ve studied them for countless hours over the last few months and
I think there is some evidence there that could put some of the
higher-ups away for life. If what I suspect is true, these books
would prove tax evasion. That coupled with several other crimes my
father knows them to be guilty of, not the least of which is the
murder of my brother and mother, could go toward proving
racketeering and they could be prosecuted under the RICO act.”

She’s perfectly quiet for so long I wonder if
she even understood what I said.

But when she finally says something, I know
which part struck her the hardest.

It’s the part that makes me look like the
bastard most people have always thought me to be.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE- Olivia

It’s the most bizarre and surreal thing to be
looking at the guy I’ve known as Cash and suddenly see Nash appear.
The mussed hair is still all Cash. The casual clothes are still all
Cash. Some of the mannerisms are still all Cash. But the speech,
the sudden switch into intelligent, successful, soon-to-be attorney
mode, is all Nash. And it’s staggering.

But not nearly as staggering as his
inadvertent admission.

I speak quietly, trying to remain calm. “So
what you’re saying is that you were going to involve me in
something that could potentially get me killed without even telling
me? Without giving me so much as a head’s up?” I stand to my feet.
I can’t help it. Anger is pulsing through me like spray from a
fire-hose, and I can’t remain sitting. If I do, I might explode.
“Without giving me a choice?”

At least Cash has the decency to look
embarrassed. Ashamed. Contrite. “I’m sure that’s what it looks
like, but I promise you, I would never put you in danger. I just
wanted you to do the numbers, look at the tax code. Give me your
opinion. I was going to tell you they were for another business I
was considering buying. I knew I could trust you not to say
anything if I was right and there were serious violations. If I’d
taken it to a CPA, they might’ve felt compelled to try to get the
name of the business and turn them in. Something crazy like
that.”

Even though that makes it sound a lot less
horrific, I’m still having trouble thinking past my anger. Deep
down, though, I know it has more to do with being lied to than
anything else. Strangely, the rest all sounds like stuff I could
deal with, albeit with some liquor, a sedative and some time to
think, but still, I could manage.

But this, this lying… I’ve always hated liars
and being lied to more than anything else. To me, it’s always been
the only truly unforgivable sin.

Can Cash be the first exception? Or has this
forever wounded whatever is between us?

“Olivia, please understand that I would
never,
never—”

I put up my hand to stop him. “Stop. Please
don’t say anything else. I think I’ve heard enough for one day.
Maybe for the rest of my life. I won’t know until I’ve had some
time to think.”

He looks defeated. Not really worried, like
he’s afraid I might tell someone, just defeated. Like he took the
chance and it backfired. I smother the little pang of guilt for
trampling his attempts at coming clean. I can’t afford to feel
tenderness toward him right now. I need to be practical and
rational. Cool. Emotionless.

I pretend to look through my purse. I can’t
meet his eyes. I’ll crumble. I know I will. “Thanks for getting my
car fixed and bringing it by. I’ll pay you back.” I start edging
toward the door. Running will only make me look like a coward, even
though that’s what I’d really
like
to do—run. Far and
fast.

Cash says nothing. I don’t look up until I’m
facing the door and he’s to my left. I pause, thinking I should
probably say something else, but not having the first idea what
that is.

I open the door and walk out. I don’t look
back, but I can feel Cash’s eyes follow me until I disappear around
the corner.

********

I’ve never been the type to skip school a
lot. A class or even a day here and there maybe, but nothing
substantial. Until now.

Tuesday morning doesn’t bring the peace I
thought it would. In fact, between getting very little
sleep—again—and the magnitude of my troubling thoughts, I feel
almost physically ill. My stomach literally turns over when I see
the flowers that Nash left me.

“Cash,” I say out loud, correcting myself for
the hundredth time.

As I did most of yesterday and far into the
night, I relive the humiliation of what happened with Cash when I
thought he was Nash. The things I said to him, the way I acted, the
things we did. Or nearly did. The way I tortured myself over who
had crept into my bedroom that night.

I rock between anger and mortification then
back to anger.

How could he do this to me? How could he
do this to
everyone?

I go to the kitchen to make coffee. As I pass
my phone, I see the screen light up. I had put it on vibrate and
left it out here last night because I didn’t want to be tempted to
answer it. The name displayed is Cash.

I wonder if he’ll ever use Nash’s phone when
he calls me again?

Bitterness courses through me. It’s so thick
I can almost taste it. Ignoring the call just like I have the half
dozen others from him, I continue on to the kitchen.

As I sip my coffee in the living room, I try
to think of other things, but they all lead back to the most
important issue in my life. Cash.

How did he become such a central theme? When
did I get so deeply involved? How had it happened without my
knowledge?

The answer? It didn’t. I knew I would fall
for him. I lied to myself just enough to soften the blow at the
time, but I knew it would end like this. It’s the story of my
life.

Another swell of anger. And bitterness.

Then longing. And loneliness.

The anger again. At Cash for letting me get
so close. For drawing me in, like a spider into his web.

His web of lies!

At least there are no tears. I’m thankful for
that. Tears are exhausting. Anger is like rocket fuel. Maybe I
don’t cry because the ball is in my court. Because I know all I
have to do is pick up the phone, return one of the many messages
he’s left me, and I can be with him again. At least for a little
while.

In a different web of lies. In a relationship
with no future.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO- Cash

I hit the red END button on the phone. The
word itself mocks me. Have I really destroyed any chance to be with
Olivia? Do I really care if I have?

The answers are: I don’t know and yes. In
that order.

I can only hope coming clean with her was the
right decision. I would’ve thought someone like Olivia would
appreciate the gesture, the significance of what I did in the end.
But maybe I was wrong. I’ve never really had feelings for a girl
like her. Hell, I’ve never really had feelings for any girl period.
Not like this anyway.

I resist the urge to throw my phone across
the room. The next step is hers. It’s her choice. I’m just going to
have to accept that and go along with her decision. Because I won’t
beg. I won’t ever beg a female for anything.

I just won’t.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE- Olivia

Tuesday melts into Wednesday. Anger and
bitterness become depression and devastation. In a way, Cash really
was the perfect guy. I’d wanted him to be more like Nash when, in
reality, he
was
Nash. He’d turned his life around and made
something of himself for his brother, for his father. For his
family. He’s the perfect blend of bad boy and successful, driven
adult. He’s everything I ever wanted and everything I ever needed.
All wrapped up in one gorgeous, sexy package. Which is all wrapped
up in lies and deceit and danger.