Double Your Pleasure Bundle (58 page)

But if he can't even confront his own...

I shove the bleak thought away and pick up the last of the laundry, the laundry I kicked off the bed earlier. I never made it back to finish putting it away, and something to do with my hands might help calm my skittering thoughts.

Seth's never gonna see me as an equal. I bow my head with that realization. He's always gonna be happier to talk to Lucas than me. I suppose that when your first encounter with a woman's paying her for sex, that'll color how you
always
see her. But I don't think it's entirely that whatever we are started as a client/provider relationship.

Or maybe I'm being unkind. Maybe the problem isn't that I'm about as close as it gets to the 'happy hooker' story. Maybe it's just that he doesn't trust
women
, can't open up to
women
. I don't know which thought is worse.

My door opens, and Lucas slides into the room, leaving the door mostly closed.

I glance up from my work, not bothering to hide the tears on my cheeks. He sits next to me and wipes them away with a gentle thumb. Without a word, he puts his arm around my shoulders, and I relax into him.

At least I have this. And the look in his eyes says I'll always have it.

“It sounds like things got out of hand out there.” He sounds like I'm about to yell at him next. His quiet tone, and the light tremble to his voice wounds me, that he'd think I'm
that
incapable of keeping my temper.

“You could say that.”

He sighs. “I'm sorry. He was calmer before he went in. I think he was just looking for an in to broach the topic, and picked the wrong one.”

“He broached it with
you
just fine.”

He laughs a little bitterly. “Not really. I pretty much had to tear him a new one to get him to respond.”

“Oh.”

“Look—you can't evaluate us that way. We're all different. And yeah, he and I have some stuff in common that you don't. But all that says is that we talk differently. It's
nothing
against you two.”

I raise my eyebrows, a little flummoxed at his logical leap.

“You did the same with Zack. You're forgetting—I
know
you. I know which pain points he was hitting, that he didn't realize.”

“Oh.” The flood of tears thickens at his insistence that this is somehow
my
fault. That I've fucked everything up.

He shushes me as I sob, holding me tightly. “It'll work out, Anjoli. It
will
.”

“I don't understand what happened—” It's all I can think to say. It's impossible to believe that just this morning I was completely content in their arms.

“Too much time to think, I'd say.” He sighs. “What did you feel when you kissed him that last time? Did it
feel
like the end? Or did it feel like you never wanted it to end?” His voice is wistful, and it screams that he has the same difficulties I do imagining where we'd be if Seth
did
take a step back.

The pressure on my hair, where he's resting his face against it, lifts up. I don't question what he's looking at, or whether he just needs a little more space, or whether my hair's getting in his mouth. At least he's not looking at my tear-streaked face. I'm
not
a pretty crier.

“I think this might be one of those things that you
can't
talk about, can't think about. You just have to remember
why
you're doing it.” He pauses, but I can't find a response past the tears.

“It—it felt—”

Seth finishes my sentence. “—Like we were meant to be there together.” I flinch and look up, to see him standing near the open door.

Lucas echoes him, not removing his arm from my shoulders. “Like we were meant there to be together.”

I can't will my body to relax. My body still cries for me to run, to slam down a mask of some kind of acceptable restraint, to not let Seth see me upset. It's his fault, after all. But I'm riveted in place by his stare. He alternately looks between me and Lucas, an incomprehensible mixture of affection, tenderness, and fear in his face.

His gaze returns to me, and takes on a more penitent edge. He's still lingering near the door, as though if I glared he'd back away and leave me be.

But I can't do it. As horrified as I am that he's seeing me falling apart like this after he hurt me, I can't look away.

Earlier, I told Lucas that he
knew
me. That I trusted his affection more than Seth's because of that. No
wonder
Seth picked up on that and freaked out.

I want Seth to know me, too. Even if that's looking at me with clear eyes, and facing my running mascara and reddened cheeks.

I stare at him back, daring him to comment. And he kicks off the doorway and approaches. The adrenaline intensifies as I force myself to stand my ground. Or sit, as the case may be. And then he's on his knees on the floor in front of my bed, wrapping his arms around me, nearly pulling me from my perch. His face presses into my stomach, and I curl around him, trying to feel that physical connection again, trying to feel everything that made me get involved with him in the first place, against my better judgment.

My fingers slide through his hair, and his muscles bunch as he holds me. Lucas catches my eye, wide-eyed.

Seth pulls back. “Less thinking, more feeling. I like that.” He reaches up to wipe the remains of my tears away, or at least smear the makeup more. “And I never wanted that kiss to end.” He looks toward Lucas. “
Never
.”

Seth gets up, and offers a hand to both of us. Lucas stands, without hesitation, and Seth doesn't let go of his hand once he's up.  I glance at Lucas for reassurance as I accept it. He smiles at me, willing me to confidence. Still, it takes everything I have not to cross my arms in front of my chest, shrink in on myself, to be in that kind of proximity to Seth, given the roller coaster my emotions are on.

Lucas puts his hand on the small of my back, and pushes me into Seth, who catches me under his free arm and keeps me close. “What you two have with each other—I like seeing it. I like sharing it
more
. Whaddaya say, Anjoli? Think we can share each other?”

My lips tremble. “Only if you ask nicely.”

He laughs, the deep chuckle carrying through me. “There's my girl.”

And then he kisses me, with none of the desperation and violence of his last kiss. His warm lips ease over mine, teasing and pulling away as though determined to tease something out of me. A soft sigh escapes me, parting my lips, and he takes full advantage, sliding his tongue into my mouth. He releases me with regret, his palm lingering on the small of my back.

“Think we can share, Luc?” This time, his smile is more wary. Something passes between him and Lucas, and Lucas nods. “Lee?” Seth gestures toward the door, and I take the first steps out of my bedroom, toward Seth's.

In Seth's room, self-consciousness hits me. Last night we were drunk. Not blackout drunk, but invigorated by laboring out in the garden, and pleasantly tipsy. It seemed natural, no questions about what went where or when. But with two men's eyes on me hungrily, it's hard not to question whether they
can
share me sober. And the hesitation seems to infect them, too. Neither man reaches for my clothes, or tries to position himself closer to me, preparing for that moment when lust kicks in.

But I
will
do this. I need to know, for myself, for Seth, and for Lucas, where my heart lies. I need to know whether that kiss
should
have ended things there.

I pull my shirt off, uncomfortably relieved at the opportunity to close my eyes. My skirt follows, and when nothing's left but my skin, I turn to face them, apprehension in every inch of me.

Lucas smiles at me encouragingly, drawing a tiny answering grin from me. And Seth steps close, pulling me up until I'm barely on the ground, so he can kiss me. Fabric rustles outside my field of vision, and when Seth releases me, Lucas has shed his own clothes. He sits on the bed next to me, and pokes at the little birthmark on my thigh, making me flinch and twitch away. I swat at him for tickling me during a moment like this, and Seth chuckles, letting him torment me while he gets to work on his own clothes.

He sits on my other side and puts his hand over Lucas's, on my thigh. His hair against my neck tickles as he leans in, but the moment Lucas's other arm drapes around my back and Seth's catches my waist, my reservations fall away. Nothing but their skin, their gentle touches. The affection in the way they touch each other, and me. Tears prick in my eyes, but not wanting a redo of earlier, I blink them back. The time for talking's done.

Lucas's hand creeps to my breast, caressing the outer curve, even as Seth's arm slides across me on his way to reach over to Lucas's cheek. Lucas kisses one of Seth's fingers, then sucks it, and I crack a small smile at Seth's blissful gasp. To add fuel to the fire, I reach into Seth's lap and stroke his cock, already hard for us. Lucas winks at me before abandoning my breast to part my legs. He slides first one finger, then two into me, curling them inside me in much the same rhythm I've been using to stroke Seth. Unconsciously, I even the rhythm out to match him
exactly
.

Seth takes over Lucas's place playing with my breasts. He has a rougher touch, and the change intensifies the arousal coursing through me. Together, they can make me feel
anything
, make me
like
anything. Fuck boring old missionary. Fuck it all. There's no way their combined creativity and needs
could
get old. It lights a spark of hope in me that died years ago in another man's bed, jilling myself off after he rolled off to me and went to sleep.

On some level, sex has always felt to me about pleasing others. And I like that—hell, most days I get
off
on it. Hard. But only with Seth and Lucas can it actually be about
us.

Seth sinks off the bed, between my legs, and Lucas removes his hand, letting him have me. I'm still sensitive from earlier, but Seth's tongue is more gentle than his hands. Come to think of it, he probably guessed I might be. He caresses my clit and labia in gentle sucks, fleeting licks, and his breath does just as much as his mouth to ignite my fevered skin.

Bereft of Seth's dick in my hand, I reach for Lucas. He leans against my shoulder, looking down at Seth between my legs, and puts his hand over mine as I touch him. My fingers spasm as Seth finds the sweet spot and swirls his tongue over it mercilessly, and Lucas moans into my neck.

My body tenses with the impending orgasm, but something about the moment is off. Maybe it's self-consciousness at Lucas watching Seth finish me, or maybe it's some anxiety about leaving them out. My foot catches Seth's thigh and I encourage him to sit on his knees a minute. “Thought you two were gonna share me.”

Lucas opens his mouth to demur, but I elbow him lightly. Seth notices and grins. “Okay then, bossy. Who wants where?”

I snort, imagining them calling dibs like it's Thanksgiving dinner. Lucas is hiding a laugh, too, so maybe his mind went the same place. Thankfully, Seth doesn't notice as he's rummaging on his nightstand for condoms. He tosses one to Lucas, and keeps the other.

The absence of their voices is downright eerie. Finally, Seth breaks the silence. “Lee? I don't think it's come up, but—” he pauses as though wondering whether I'll slap him if he finishes the sentence. “How's your ass?”

“What?”

“Your ass. You like ass-play?”

And
there's
the temptation to slap him. Just the words are awkward. “Um, I'm okay with it? Never really been high up on the menu of Lee's Sexual Delights.” I shimmy my tits demonstratively.

“Okay. We'll go slow, then. Stop whenever you want.”

Lucas raises an eyebrow at him. “We?”

“Well, we're
sharing.
Wouldn't it be nice for both of us to feel her, not have to wait our turns?”

I raise my eyebrows at him, waiting to see whether he'll agree with Seth out of hand, or whether he thinks he needs to take my side, give my voice weight if I'm
not
into it. He meets my eye, accepts whatever's there as reassurance, and nods. “You sure we're not gonna break you?” He puts his hand over mine.

“You're welcome to
try
.” I tip my chin up with a little pride.

“Okay.” Lucas turns his attention back to Seth. “It's your show. To be honest, I'm a little new to the butt-stuff myself.”

Seth shrugs. “Whatever works.”

When he opens the drawer again to look for lube, Lucas leans in close. “You're sure you're okay with this?”

“Seriously—I said I was. I'll let you know if that changes.” I think it through. “You know I like a challenge. And—” I run my tongue over my lower lip, a gesture that doesn't go unnoticed. “There's something attractive in the idea of being owned so completely.”