Don't... (15 page)

I shifted to look at him. “Thanks. I think,” I said with a smile. Jan took the chance to steal a kiss, then his tongue slipped against mine and our bodies seemed to instantly drop any tiredness as they pushed against each other.

“Bed?” murmured Jan against my lips, and I just about had the mind to reply. “Bed.”

Jan gave this wicked smile before slipping past me and heading for the stairs.

“Thought you were tired?”

Jan smiled over his shoulder. “Day off tomorrow. You can wake me with breakfast around noonish.”

“’Cause you’re not a spoilt shit already?” I said, heading off after him.

“I was thinking more of being sore, but if your old bones aren’t up to it....”

Old? I caught Jan up by the stairs. “Hey,” I said, thumping his arm lightly, “I still have my own teeth. I’m not about to slip these beauties out just to give you a gumming.”

“Ewww.” He looked horrified. “Your ass is dust the moment I see denture cream and a glass of water on my bedside unit. Let’s get that clear now, right?”

I chuckled. “Whatever happened to stand by your man?”

“‘Stand’ and ‘man’ being the main words back in that phrase. It says nothing about lying with a grumpy gummy.”

“You know insults do no good for my libido?” I even added a stern look, but it only won me a chuckle. Jan pulled off his tie, then shirt, and let them fall on the stairs as he went up.

“I think I know a way to fix that little problem of yours.”

Oh, he was
goooood
. And I was about to follow when a phone went off. “That yours?” I heard Jan call down. “Yeah,” I said, searching my pockets. After I’d thrown it at the wall and figured out batteries usually go better inside the things, I didn’t think it would work. Hadn’t exactly thrilled me that it could have cost me a new one.

“You know being kept waiting does fuck all for this hard-on in my hand.”

I nearly dropped the phone as my groin groaned
that way, Jack, c’mon, please
. “Be there in a sec.” I thumbed the messages pretty quick, although the swelling going on with my own dick pretty much blinded me to most things.

Don’t...

...leave him, Jack.

My breath caught. Another message came through.

Don’t...

I scrolled the rest of the message.

...
know I’m coming for you if you stay, Jack. That I’ll fuck Jan, make you watch, then make him watch as I bleed you.

Whatever abuse I put my body through was one thing, but threats to Jan hit every wrong note down to my groin. Jan was the unknown quantity, something that had come out of nowhere: gentle, loving, something I’d love to come home to, not need to fuck, just lie with, be still, care.

I thumbed the reply box.

First warning: you involve Jan in this, we’re done, and I will hurt you.

I pressed send and the seconds ticked by as I waited for an answer.

“Jack?”

“Yeah?” The reply was more distraction than any real committal.

“You need me to install a stair lift for you?”

That got my full attention and I laughed as I threw the phone on the stairs. Fuck that bastard. I took the stairs two at a time and headed down the long hall upstairs. Jan’s king-size room was the second from last and up these curved run of stairs that nearly had me heading back on myself.

“Can we quit with the old digs—”

I heard my phone go downstairs at just about the same time I saw Jan look up from sitting on the bed, phone in hand.

At first nothing connected, not the slim phone in his hand, the timing of my phone going off downstairs. How I’d met Jan after the e-mails had started, how he knew where I lived, worked, how he was never around when any of the messages came through. Was I that much of a soft fuck I’d deliberately missed all of that?

“You?” I couldn’t get it out, all the turmoil. I liked him, all his gentle ways. “How? I....”

Jan got to his feet and took a few steps toward me. Seeing me flinch back, his eyes flared in concern, and he stopped and frowned. “Jack?”

“You?” There was a laugh, and I didn’t realise it was mine as I ran my hands through my hair. “Oppositional Defiance Disorder...” I mumbled, which seemed to set Jan’s frown deeper. “Fuck, Jan, I—” I couldn’t believe I’d fallen for this. “Why the fuck did you have to make contact like this? I know it wasn’t contracted that I meet you face-to-face eventually but—”

“Jack?” Jan came a few steps closer. “Jack, what’s wrong? Fucking talk to me.”

“To you?” I laughed again. Yeah that one was me; all sarcasm and sneer thrown in to boot. “My old man put me through psych sessions. Fuck, I hated them. But I knew.” I narrowed my eyes. “I knew with juvy, the stealing, fights—Christ, I even put a copper in hospital, and fuck knows how I didn’t get sentenced for that. But I knew, with all that shit, meeting Cutter, letting him take chunks out of me, I knew I had fucking problems.”

Jan made a mistake taking those last few steps; I grabbed him and shoved him up against the wall, shouting in his face. “
Meeting me, giving me everything I wanted, this one last head fuck of yours
?”

“Jack—”

I pushed away, hands again running my hair. “Stupid, such a stupid fucking idiot.”

“
Jack
—”

I hit him. Plain and simple. The shock widening Jan’s eyes as he landed hard on the floor, my fist aching as I stood over him, his lip bleeding, it fought the hurt I could see on his face.

My first instinct was to crash to my knees, wipe the blood away—cry all the sorries in the world. Anything to wash away that look in his eyes, the look I’d seen in my old man’s, the policeman’s, my friends—everyone I’d managed to screw up because of my own instabilities, but Jan had brought it on himself. I’d have loved him for who he was, not for how he could control. I didn’t need control from him, I needed—

“
You fuck
.” The bedside unit took as much of my anger as I could let out. It was that or hit him some more. For now I took as much satisfaction seeing the alarm clock smash inches from his head and send him cowering. A few other items went sprawling too, and I kicked at them, gratification driving me on. I didn’t want to feel the hurt.

“Out.” I was sent sprawling onto the bed, not even seeing Jan scramble up. “Get the fuck out of my house, Jack. Now.”

He stood above me, breathing hard, shaking, naked; looking bruised and as scared as hell. “I don’t—” Tears fell. “Ah” Hands went to his head. “What the fuck is this?” He shrugged, seeming to struggle with finding an answer. “What the fuck have I done?”

I was up and in his face before he’d finished. “I don’t do head fucks like this,” I said coldly. Grabbing his phone off his bed, I threw it at him. “Find another toy.”

“Huh? Wha—?” Jan caught the phone and stood looking down at it before he focused on me. “Talk to me, Jack. Please.”

“Talk?” I scoffed. “You’re kidding me right?” I pushed him aside and headed off downstairs. I grabbed my phone on the way down, then hunted out my duffle bag.

“I’m not seeing anyone else.”

I looked back at Jan to see him hold out his phone.

“Is that what you think?” he said, coming over. “I’ve done years of cheating. I don’t... I swore I’d never do that again.” He pushed the phone into my hand as I straightened. “You look, and then you get the fuck out of my house.” Another tear fell, but it looked seriously pissed off.

I wasn’t after a boyfriend as I thumbed angrily through his messages. One command; I was after just one command, and that would be more than enough.

Sent mail today showed eight: the most recent to his mother roughly about five minutes ago.

Yeah, he’s here, just heading off to bed. Talk to...

He could have deleted; he could have.

That look. That same distance in his eyes that belonged to my old man, to every person I’d hurt in my past, met mine as I looked up.

He must have deleted; he must have. “Jan—”

I took a step closer; he took two back. Spiders, big fucking spiders, me being the biggest and Jan edging away from me with every move I made. “You need to get the fuck out, Jack. Now.”

“I’m—”

“Sorry?” Jan laughed. “Don’t be.” He sobered pretty quickly. “The past few days have been everything I needed, probably more than I’ve deserved if you put it into context of screwing up Rob’s missus and his kids’ lives, not to mention my mother, her boyfriend’s—their chance of happiness.”

He came over and a hard kiss bruised my lips. “I’ll take the good, but the bad?” A violent shove sent me back a few paces. “You don’t
ever
fucking hit me, Jack.”

I should have held him, made him understand. I was a head fuck, my life one serious head fuck, and he was the only thing right on so many levels. But there was that distance, that all too familiar coldness in his eyes that made me react the same way I had with my old man, with everything else in my life that I screwed up. I took my things and I walked away without saying a word.

The ink blackness outside my car window was barely broken by the odd stain of yellow streetlamp as I sat outside my home. Hands gripping the steering wheel, head resting down, I sat there with my eyes closed.

What the fuck had I done?

I’d seen it. In his eyes I’d fucking seen it before I’d hit him. Jan had looked so shocked, his fucking gorgeous face startled in a way I’d have killed anyone else for causing. Yet I’d lashed out not giving a damn. I gripped the steering wheel tighter, and part of me was grateful that the knuckles lining my right hand hurt like shit. Leaving Jan bruised and hurt without some physical reminder of my own just wasn’t right. Nothing was right anymore.

Regardless of who or what I thought he’d done, he didn’t deserve that. Ever.

A growl, I pulled back and dropped my head back. I thought I’d dealt with this. After nearly eleven years, I thought I’d grown out of all this bullshit. ODD and other issues had nearly torn my family apart as I’d grown up, the countless psych sessions barely pulling us back together. Even juvy hadn’t helped, and life up until I was eighteen got pretty dark. That’s why my old man’s question over Gray and everything being all right had pissed me off so much. I was back to my late teens again after going pyromaniac on some warehouses, back to hitting my old man, to putting a cop in hospital, every shit thing I’d done. Yet pile all of those together, play blocks with the intent of knocking everything down, nothing felt worse than seeing that hurt in Jan’s soft eyes.

Dick. Fucking bastard
—I hit the steering wheel a few times.

The groan into the night stillness was mine, and I palmed my eyes. Before I knew what I’d done, I’d grabbed my phone and thumbed through for Jan’s number. My hands shook. Socialization wasn’t just hard for me; it was like being whipped with barbed wire, then having hot salt water poured over the wounds. I should have seen it creeping up on me.

Trying to find the keys was hard, my hands shook, tears misted my eyes. I wanted to tell him I was sorry, that my head was in a bad place, that given any other time, any other moment, he was everything I’d ever need in life. But when I pressed send, all I managed was:

My fault, my goddamn stupid fault.

Love, Jack.

Text was the coward’s way out, but it was all I could manage. If Jan walked away knowing I knew I’d brought this on myself, that I had no right to dump all of my shit on his doorstep, then I could breathe easier. I know I had no right to breathe easy, not after what I’d done, but I just needed him to know he was everything I could dream up, even though I’d fallen seriously short in his eyes.

With what I’d done, he probably wouldn’t even read it.

No. That was my thinking, not Jan. Jan was a gentle soul, even if it took a few days, he’d read it.

My head rested back against the steering wheel as the phone slipped out of my hands.

Please, let him fucking read it.

The sound of breaking glass came from the direction of my house. “What the fuck now?” I groaned as I pushed out of the car and into the darkness. Inside the alarm was going ten to the dozen, and I raced up the drive to the front door, fumbled for the key, then switched it off before it drew too much attention. Looking around my neighbours, no lights came on in their windows, and I wasn’t too surprised. The sound of crickets and the odd ruffle of undergrowth took the alarm’s place as I went back outside to investigate the lounge window. Sure enough, there was a hole, midpane, that looked roughly the size of a small brick. Spider legs of splintered glass spread outwards, some reaching the frame, and, curious, I shifted my feet and glanced down. There was no crunch of glass underfoot, meaning whoever had broken it had done so from the outside.

The shift of gravel again, only this time it wasn’t mine, and another shatter of glass came from around the back.

The bastard was still here.

An eight-foot fence ran the right side of my property, and unless they could pole vault, the only way out was by me.

“Fuck.” I hit the ground hard as someone threw all of their body weight at me, knocked me down and bolted past. Elbow jarred, I struggled to my feet and took off after the sound of feet heading in the direction of the alley next to my house.

The guy nearly made it to the end, and even shouted his glee, until a clip of foot to the back of his heel sent him sprawling to the ground. I had him up and against a lamppost before he’d finished swearing. “I’m having a bad day already, let’s fucking sort this—”

I let my own words trail off seeing the angry face half-hidden by a hood.

“Sam?” I let go, only to have him throw a fist at me. I let the fist miss, then pushed him back against the lamppost. “What the fuck’s up with you?”

“Liam.” There were tears in his eyes, and he growled out in my face, “He tried to fucking kiss me, come fucking on to me again, and he told me, he fucking told me this guy from his dojo by the name of Jack had said he should try and sort things out.” He laughed, groaned, then gave an angry cry and pushed at my shoulders. “
You
. Seems he’d seen your fag ass fucking some other guy, and it got him more than horny enough to try it on with me.”