Don't Ask (17 page)

‘I don’t think Jared and I were as serious as you were,’ I said, trying to downplay my imaginary relationship.

‘That’s trash. I saw how upset you were last night.’

‘Nah, it was the punch. And PMT. I get a bit weepy before my period. I’m sorry.’

‘Me too, I guess.’ She didn’t sound convinced. ‘So did you find out what he wanted when he called?’

I’d forgotten that she’d been with me when Jack had rung. ‘No. I switched off my phone and then deleted his messages,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to talk to
him.’

‘You know, you might be better off talking to him and hearing what he has to say,’ she said, her voice soft with caution. ‘Even if you don’t want to get back with him, at
least you’ll have said everything you want to say, and it will be over properly, with no more ifs and buts. I wish I’d done that with Jack. There was tons of stuff we didn’t sort
out, you know? He tried to call me for months, but I wouldn’t take his calls. I was too upset, and everyone told me I was better off trying to move on with my life. But ever since, I’ve
been wondering how he is and what he’s doing, and whether he has any regrets. Sometimes, I wonder whether we could have worked things out, if I’d just let him have his say.’

‘Really?’ I asked. Facts that for weeks had made no sense to me were now becoming clear. I hadn’t understood why Jack had told me that Alex dumped him, when I knew he had
initiated the break-up. But it made perfect sense if he’d instantly regretted his decision and wanted Alex back, and she didn’t want to know; he’d see that as a final rejection,
wouldn’t he? In his eyes, she would have been the one who finished the relationship for good.

‘Really?’ I said again. I swallowed hard.
I
could tell Alex, I thought. I could tell her everything. I could put her out of her misery. I could say, ‘It’s
obvious Jack really loved you because he’s as cut up about all this as you are; he can’t even bear it when I mention your name. I could say, he’s so full of pain and regret that
he’s convinced himself you finished with him, when I know it’s the other way around. And, I hate to admit it, but I still don’t think he’s completely over you either. Hell,
I thought, I could even give you his phone number and his new address. I could invite you both round at the same time and engineer it so you get back together. Maybe that’ll be my penance for
lying to you both . . .’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Ben’s great and all, but he isn’t Jack. I can’t get Jack out of my head. I only wish I could turn back the clock.’

She reached into her bedside drawer and removed something. I couldn’t make out what it was, but it sparkled when the light caught it. ‘He gave me this,’ she said, leaning over
to show me. ‘I can’t wear it, but I haven’t had the heart to throw it out.’

It was a gold bracelet, decorated with tiny charms that jangled pleasingly when they knocked against each other. I caught a glimpse of a little dog, a football, a horseshoe and a heart, before
Alex took the bracelet back again and replaced it in her drawer. It seemed that she didn’t feel comfortable holding it. ‘He gave me a charm for each month of our relationship,’
she said. ‘There are twenty-five altogether. Every month, he’d buy me a new one. Isn’t that lovely?’

‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘It’s gorgeous.’ Did Jack give all his girlfriends bracelets? Was it his M.O.? I pictured the bracelet Jack had given me and it didn’t take a
genius to figure out that it wasn’t half as special as Alex’s. I’m not talking about how much it cost, but of the sentimental value, the thought that had gone into it. There was
no contest: he’d liked her more than he would ever like me. I’d always known it, really. It was sad, but there was nothing I could do about it.

‘What exactly happened with him, Alex? Please tell me,’ I asked. Perhaps it was a brave question, or a stupid one, but it was the reason I was there, after all, and I had a feeling
that if she didn’t open up now, she never would.

‘I don’t know . . .’ she said, her tone uncertain. ‘I haven’t really told anyone. Only Jess, and my mum.’

‘Don’t then.’ Did I sound annoyed, rather than concerned? ‘I mean, only tell me if it will help.’

‘Maybe it will make me feel better about things,’ she said. She sighed.

I felt my pulse quicken. Finally, finally, I was going to learn the truth and then all the deceit would have been worth it.

She pulled the duvet tight up to her neck, swaddling herself like a baby. ‘There’s no point dressing it up. We broke up because he hit me.’

I was so shocked it was almost as if someone had hit me too. I felt winded, unable to breathe or speak. For a moment I even thought I might pass out. I heard a little voice in my head repeating,
‘Pull yourself together, Lily, pull yourself together.’ How would a normal person react? They’d say something, wouldn’t they?

I managed to squeak out: ‘Oh my God!’

I don’t know what I’d expected Alex to tell me, but it wasn’t this. Not in a billion, trillion years. Jack couldn’t have hit her; he was gentle, he didn’t like
violence, he’d tried to protect his mum. Surely she meant Jack’s dad had hit her, not Jack? At the same instant I had the thought, I knew that it couldn’t have been him –
he’d been off the scene years before Jack and Alex met. Maybe I had misheard? What other word sounded like hit? Bit? Spit?

‘He hit you? Are you sure?’ What a stupid thing to ask. Of course she was sure.

‘Yes,’ she said. She sat up in bed, still cloaked in the duvet. ‘It was horrible.’ She was absorbed by her own memories and unaware of my apparent overreaction to her
words. I wanted to sob and run out of the room but I knew I had to hold it together. I couldn’t allow her to see how upset I was. I wasn’t supposed to know Jack; I wasn’t supposed
to care.

I swallowed hard. ‘Had he done it before?’ I asked.

‘God no. It was a one off.’

That, at least, was a relief. ‘So what happened?’

‘It was over another guy, a friend of mine called Dom. He wasn’t here tonight, we’re not friends anymore. Basically, Dom and I got really close at school, just good mates, but
Jack didn’t like it. There was nothing going on, at least not for me, but I think Dom started to get the wrong idea and one night we got a bit carried away and we ended up kissing. I stopped
it and told him it couldn’t happen again. It didn’t mean anything at all, not to me, anyway. I told Jack because I wanted to be honest. He sort of forgave me, except, after that, he
became really jealous and possessive. It wasn’t just Dom, it was like he didn’t want me to see anyone else, or spend time with anyone else. If he couldn’t get hold of me,
he’d panic and leave loads of messages. He’d never been like that before . . .’

I shivered, even though I was wrapped snugly in my sleeping bag. Jack hadn’t been able to get hold of me last night. Why had he called, anyway? Was it a sign that he was starting to become
jealous and possessive of me too? What if he’d found out he couldn’t trust me? My urge to leave Alex’s house was growing stronger by the minute. It had to find out what Katie had
told Jack. Ironic, isn’t it, how I’d waited for months for Alex to tell me this story and now that I was finally hearing it, I didn’t want to stick around to listen to the
details?

Oblivious, Alex continued. ‘We started having rows, about stupid things, mainly. And then, one night we ended up arguing about Dom and I got so worked up I told Jack I wished I was with
him – Dom – instead because it would be less hassle. He was so incensed he grabbed me by my wrists. He was hurting me and so I tried to push him away and wriggle free. And then he
totally lost it and he hit me. It wasn’t like he was trying to hurt me, he just lashed out and he caught me on my cheek with the side of his hand, sending me flying. I was so surprised that
it didn’t even really hurt at first. I was in shock, I think. He tried to see if I was OK but I wouldn’t let him come near me. I told him he was just like his father – his dad
used to hit his mum, you see – and that he should go home. He was mortified. He kept saying sorry, again and again. He was crying more than me.’

She gasped for air. She’d said all of this in virtually one breath. ‘He called me later and apologised again. He asked if he could come round to talk. I hadn’t even had time to
process what had happened yet, you know? But he’d made up his mind. He said I was right: he was like his dad, and he couldn’t be sure he wouldn’t do it again. He said I was too
good for him and that I deserved better. He told me he loved me, that he’d always love me, but it was over and there was nothing I could say to change his mind. He broke my heart.’

While she was telling me what had happened, I felt I was watching it play out in front of me, like a movie – no, like I was in the room with Jack and Alex. I could see Jack’s face
and hear his voice, I could even smell his aftershave. I knew the expression he’d be wearing, how he’d be shuffling from foot to foot and chewing his lip. I could see everything except
the part where Jack hit Alex; that didn’t seem possible.

She was still talking. ‘I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened; I thought we could sort it out. I had a big bruise so I told everybody that I’d hurt myself playing
football – you know, that I was whacked in the face by the ball. Of course, Mum guessed and I couldn’t lie to her. She said that if a guy ever hits you, even once, then you should get
out straight away. She said however sorry Jack was, however lovely he was most of the time, it didn’t matter. Jess said the same thing. So, when Jack started calling again the following week,
asking if we could meet up to talk, I said no, he was right, splitting up was for the best. He pleaded with me to give him another chance, to hear him out, at least, but Mum and Jess were telling
me not to, and I was so confused, so I said no, even though I really wanted to. He was about to move house again, to another area – he moved around a lot – so it seemed like the right
time to end it too, Mum said. I was only sixteen, it was all much too heavy for me. After about a month, Jack stopped calling. He moved away and I haven’t heard from him since. I actually
tried to ring him once – about six months ago – but I got number not recognised. He must have changed his mobile number.’ She sighed. ‘Anyway, that’s why it’s so
hard for me to even think about having another relationship.’

I nodded. ‘I bet,’ I said, my voice barely louder than a whisper. It wasn’t much of a response. Again, I asked myself, how would a normal, objective person react to this story,
somebody who wasn’t overwhelmed, confused and even a little bit frightened by it? I thought of the confessional shows on daytime TV and I tried to pretend that I was the host, and that Alex
had just told me her gut-wrenching life story on a show. What would I say? There would be ‘oohs’ and ‘ahs’ from the audience, and they would applaud her for being so brave.
Then I would turn to her and say something like: ‘You’ve clearly been through a difficult time, but you’ve come out on the other side, stronger and wiser.’

‘It must have been so hard,’ is what I finally said. I didn’t want to sound like I was reading an autocue. ‘Wow. I had no idea.’

It seemed adequate. Alex smiled. ‘It’s in the past. I don’t think about it so much any more.’

Not for me, it isn’t, I thought. Jack is my present. I need to get out of here so I can find out what’s going on with him.

What I said was: ‘Then I think you should give Ben a chance. He could be just what you need.’

‘Maybe.’

We both sat in silence for a few minutes, absorbed in our own thoughts. Finally, when I thought it wouldn’t be rude to change the subject, I asked, ‘What’s the time?’

‘It’s only nine o’clock.’

‘Only it’s just that I said I’d be home by eleven.’

‘Oh right. Let’s get up then. What do you fancy for breakfast? Hey, I know there are a few cupcakes left.’

The thought of gooey, sickly sweet icing made me want to throw up. ‘I’m not hungry,’ I said, climbing out of my sleeping bag without unzipping it. ‘Honestly, don’t
worry about me. Have breakfast after I’ve gone.’

She appeared disappointed. Was it too obvious that I was trying to get away? ‘No worries.’

I pulled on my jeans and shoved my things into my bag, then went into the bathroom and cleaned my teeth. I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and Laura stared back at me, bleary-eyed
and blotchy-faced from too much partying and too little sleep. I combed my hair with my fingers, splashed some water on my face and wiped off the smudged eyeliner with some moistened toilet paper.
When I studied myself in the mirror for a second time, I saw an anxious, drained Lily.

Alex’s parents were still in bed, so I asked her if she’d tell them goodbye and thanks from me. ‘I had a really great time,’ I said, when nothing could have been further
from the truth. ‘Thanks so much again.’

She smiled. ‘Call me,’ she said, as she gave me a brief hug.

‘Course I will. Oh, and happy birthday for tomorrow.’

I shut the front door behind me and took a deep breath. If I’d stayed in that house for one more minute I think I might have spontaneously combusted.

It was only as I walked the short distance to the bus stop that a chilling realisation struck me. I understood why Alex had given me such a strange look earlier that morning when I had brought
up her relationship with Jack. Not once, in any of our previous conversations, texts or emails, had she told me her ex’s name.