Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance (12 page)

I
was pissed
off when I'd found out that Father O'Toole hired Nori without even discussing it with me. Seeing her had been...I couldn't say I hadn't loved seeing her again. But it hadn't been easy.

And it hadn't gotten any easier.

All weekend, I'd been torn between wanting to see her and wanting to stay hidden in my room, like some sort of freak, the monster my nightmares said I was.

I'd never been a big reader, and being stuck in a bed for most of three months hadn't really changed that, but it hadn’t kept Father O'Toole from reading to me when I would just lie in bed and do nothing. One of those books was
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
.

The relevance of the subject matter hadn't been lost on me.

The irony was, I may have been a monster on the outside like Quasimodo, but I was far from as pure as heart as that noble character as could be.

Which meant I definitely didn't deserve sympathy or compassion. And I sure as hell didn't deserve love. Especially not from someone like Nori. No one was perfect, I knew, but she was a genuinely good person. Kind. Strong. The sort of person who deserved a man just as good and strong.

The worst part of it was, the more I tried to convince myself I wasn't good for her, the more I wanted her. And that didn't make the weekend any easier.

The one time I'd seen her was for a short time on Saturday, when she came in with Hador. I'd wanted to see her smile, laugh. I wanted her to be here because she wanted to be near me. But I knew that wasn’t her reasoning. She was here because I was broken, and she'd been hired to try to fix me. The more that thought resounded in my head, the more I hadn't been able to look at her without seeing her pity.

When she'd sequestered herself upstairs, I'd allowed myself to fall deeper into the darkness than ever before. I hadn't even bothered to get out of bed yesterday, and I probably wouldn't have done it today if my physical therapist wasn’t coming in. Kipp Hendy was the only person Father O'Toole had hired who I didn't despise and who didn't care what I said to him, or how awful I behaved. If I wasn't down in the room to meet him, he would've come into my bedroom and dumped water on me.

I knew that because he'd done it last week.

So, even though I didn't want to, I forced myself down the hall and into the therapy room to wait for Kipp to let himself in. I didn't, however, bother to shower. I didn't give a damn if Kipp thought I smelled bad.

I was in the room alone for less than five minutes before Kipp arrived. He was a little older than me and had served in the Navy to pay for college. When he graduated, he'd turned his attention to treating veterans from all branches of the military. He might not have been army, but he got it in a way no one else could've.

“Did you do your stretches over the weekend?” he asked as he entered the room. When I didn't answer, his pale eyes narrowed. “I'm not wasting my time on some pansy-ass who doesn't want to work for it. They teach you that in the army?”

I glared at him. I knew what he was doing and why, but I let it motivate me anyway. “I'll show you pansy-ass,” I grumbled. “Let's get this over with.”

I was half-way through the usual series of stretches when I heard someone knock on the open door. My concentration slipped as I turned. Father O'Toole had gone into the city first thing this morning. There was only one person it could be.

“Excuse me.” Her voice was professional but warm as she looked at Kipp. “I'm Nori Prinz.”

Kipp straightened and grinned. “Kipp Hendy.” He walked over to her and put out a hand.

I scowled when she took it, giving him a smile that was completely unnecessary. I stopped what I was doing and waited for her to acknowledge my presence. But she didn't. She kept looking and smiling at Kipp as he explained to her the different exercises he had me doing.

I was suddenly and painfully aware of how good-looking Kipp was, with his copper hair and stupid smile. He wasn't like Zed, the sort of attractive that turned heads everywhere he went, but he had the kind of chiseled good looks that women liked.

I pushed myself up and headed over to the speed bag he'd set up in the corner. I'd never really been one for boxing, but I had to admit, hitting something was a lot more satisfying than weight-lifting or running. Especially if I was picturing people's faces on the bag. Usually, it was my asshole father, but at the moment, there was someone else I wanted to hit more.

“What're you doing?” Kipp asked before I started on the bag. “We need to work on your leg and side.”

“My leg's fine,” I snapped. I did a deep knee bend and managed not to wince when the skin on my hip pulled. “See.”

“Bullshit.” Kipp glanced at Nori and gave her a sheepish grin. “Sorry.”

She rolled her eyes. “If I got offended by everyone who swore around me, I'd never be able to work.” She glanced at me, but her gaze didn't hold. “Besides, I've let a few slip myself, thanks to problem patients.”

Kipp's smile widened. “Let me show you the data entry for X's daily PT.”

He motioned toward the computer and, as she walked in front of him, I watched his eyes slide down to her ass, lingering there for a moment before coming back up.

My hands curled into fists and I turned back to the punching bag. If he was going to ignore me, then I would do what I wanted. My entire arm protested as I bent it slightly, the tissue pulling taut. I ignored it and started to work the bag with my right hand, alternating in my left every so often. The rhythm was choppy, awkward, and instead of making me feel better, it just made me feel worse.

I'd been in great shape before the accident, in the top ten for every physical fitness test the army had given. Now, I was lucky if to make it through a single set of stretches without breaking into a sweat.

“X, lay off the bag.” Kipp interrupted my thoughts. “We need to get your side and back stretched.”

I hit the bag more violently than necessary. “Well, if you'd stop flirting with her and start doing your fucking job, maybe I wouldn't have to do this shit on my own.”

I had my back to them, so I didn't see their faces, but for a moment, neither of them spoke. Then Kipp broke the silence.

“Head back over to the bed so I can show Nori the stretches I have you doing.” His voice was even, without even a hint of annoyance.

For some reason, that pissed me off even more. I stomped over to the bed, aware that I was behaving like a child. “You want to see? Fine, see.” I yanked my shirt over my head and tossed it onto the floor, waiting for one of the two of them to say something about my actions.

Neither one did.

Kipp moved over to stand at the side of the bed, but he wasn't looking at me. His eyes were on Nori. “Father O'Toole mentioned that you have some background in physical therapy.”

“I do.”

I risked a glance at her, but she was watching him. I hadn't known that. Then again, I didn't know anything about her that she hadn't volunteered. I'd never asked about her life, about anything. I'd been so caught up in my own shit that it'd never occurred to me to find out more about her. Not even after I'd found myself thinking about her more and more.

“What we really need to work on is keeping the scar tissue supple so that it doesn't tear when he moves. Since there are places on his arm and back that are still healing, we have to take things slow,” Kipp explained. “We also have some ointment that goes onto the skin after bathing to help keep moisture in.”

Shit. I closed my eyes for a moment. I hadn't even thought about that. Kipp was usually the one who helped me with the spots I couldn't reach. The thought of Nori's hands on me...

I swallowed hard and willed my body not to betray me. The last thing she needed to know was how much she turned me on, how much I wanted her. If she stayed, I wouldn't be able to hide it, not for long. Shame mingled with anger. I couldn't let her know. While it was hard enough for me to know that she only saw me as a patient, the humiliation of having her know that I was attracted to her...

I wasn't sure which was worse: thinking that she'd be disgusted, or that she'd pity me even more.

My only hope was to push her away. If I could get her to leave, then maybe Father O'Toole would take the hint and leave me alone. Even if he didn't, at least the next person he hired wouldn't be her.

“Were you born in Texas?”

Kipp's question caught my attention as I began to twist my body to stretch my back. I'd never even thought to ask Nori about that.

She nodded. “Born and raised.”

He grinned. “Got a bit of an accent there.”

She scowled, but her eyes sparkled, so I knew she wasn't serious. “Y'all are the ones who have accents.”

Kipp laughed, and then so did she. My heart clenched at the sound. I wanted to make her laugh like that. I knew I'd never be able to though. I'd never been the happiest person to begin with, and the accident had stripped away whatever happiness was left. I'd only make her upset and miserable.

She deserved so much better than that. Kipp could make her laugh and could be all of the things I'd never be again. I should want that for her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I could never have her, but I knew I didn't want anyone else to either.

And that was how things would be for me from now on, I realized. Even if I did find someone I cared about after Nori left, I'd never act on it, because no matter who she was, I'd never be enough for her.

This was my life, living here, in this house, having food delivered, never stepping outside. Father O'Toole as the occasional visitor. Maybe a housekeeper if I felt like keeping things somewhat presentable. But I'd never have a family of my own. Never have the chance to fix my mistakes. It'd just be me. Here. Alone.

The darkness that Nori had managed to push back came forward with a vengeance, wrapping its arms around me and pulling me under.

I didn't bother trying to fight it.

What was the point?

X
's physical therapist
, Kipp, knew what he was doing. He was also quite the flirt. I couldn't deny how flattering it was to have someone as intelligent and good-looking as him clearly attracted to me. What I liked the most was the fact that he didn't even try to hide it. He let me see in his eyes that he wanted me, and his questions were sincere, meaning he wasn't only after sex.

But I hadn't come out here to get into another romantic relationship. It'd only been a couple weeks since Tanner and I called it quits, and I'd been immersed in his world for so long that I didn't know how ready I was to date normally. While Kipp might've been hiding a few kinks, I didn't get the same Dom vibe from him that Tanner gave off. Kipp seemed like the sort of guy who was as fun in bed as he was out of it. I was all for sex being more than some serious, intense thing every single time, and maybe I needed a bit of that light-heartedness, but I just wasn't feeling it. I liked talking to him, but there was no spark between us.

We chatted the entire time he was stretching X out, pausing only to give him instructions on what to do next. At first, I'd wanted to include X in the conversation, but one look at the expression on his face told me not to even bother asking. He wouldn't even look at me.

I reminded myself of my conversation with Tanner, and the reason I was here. It didn't matter if X wanted to talk to me or if he hated me. I wasn't here to be his friend or anything else. I was here to make sure nothing else bad happened to him. I just had to remember that fact, and I could live with the rest.

“I'll be in Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays at ten,” Kipp said as we walked toward the door. “X is supposed to do the stretches on the days I don't come in, but not any of the exercises.”

I nodded. Father O'Toole had explained this as one of his reasons for needing someone to live in the house to keep an eye on X. Not surprisingly, he had a tendency to spend most of his time lying in bed.

“I'm worried that he'll end up needing more skin grafts on that arm,” Kipp said, his expression serious for the first time all morning. “And I'm no shrink, but I don't think he'd take the news of another surgery very well.”

“I don't either,” I quietly agreed.

Kipp opened his mouth to say something, closed it, glanced at X, and then back to me. “I've worked on a lot of soldiers, and I know you have too. The ones who make it are the ones who feel like they have something to live for. The ones who can't find it...” His voice trailed off.

“I know.” A sharp pain went through my chest. “I know what happens to them.”

He gave me a searching look but thankfully didn't press the matter. That part of my life wasn't something I talked about very freely. It hurt too much.

“If you need anything, my number's by the computer.” The easy smile was back on Kipp's face, but it didn't quite go all the way to his eyes. “Even if it's just to talk.”

I thanked him, and I did appreciate the gesture, but I know I probably wouldn't be using it. Definitely not just to talk. If I needed to debrief again, I'd call Tanner, and I’d only do that if absolutely necessary. Kipp called out a goodbye to X, who didn't answer, and then headed for the stairs, leaving me alone with my surly patient.

I took a slow breath and then turned. He was stretched out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He didn't move as I walked back to him.

“Let me help you get those off and then you can go shower.” I spoke in the same brisk, professional voice I'd used for years at the hospital.

I started to reach for him, but he jerked away, rolling up into a sitting position, then off the bed and onto his feet. He glared at me as he turned so we were facing each other, the bed between us.

“I can do it myself.” His eyes were cold. “I don't need a fucking babysitter.”

That hadn't taken long.

“I don't care who you are,” I said firmly. “No one can reach that spot on their own back, so you, at least, need me to help you with that one.”

His cheeks flamed. “It's almost healed. No need for a nurse.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I'm not just here as your nurse.”

“Oh, I know.” His tone was bitter. “You're supposed to watch me. Make sure I don't do anything stupid.”

I put my hands flat on the bed so he couldn't see them tremble. I wouldn’t lie to him. “That's right. Father O'Toole is worried about you.”

X pushed away from the bed and ran his good hand through his hair. I liked the longer style better than the buzz cut he'd had when I'd first seen him.

“He doesn't need to be.” X walked over to the window, but I got the impression that he wasn't really seeing anything. “I wouldn't do that to him.”

I suddenly felt nauseous. “What do you mean?”

X cut me a sideways glance, then returned to staring through the glass. “I met Father O'Toole when I was eighteen. He saved my life.” He paused for a moment and I wondered if he was remembering the circumstances under which that had happened. “The father's faith is important to him, but I never believed.”

I had a feeling I knew where he was going with this, and I didn't like it.

He continued, “It'd hurt him if I...” He let the sentence hang into the silence. “So you don't have to worry about sticking around. You can tell Father O'Toole that I'm not a danger to myself.”

I took a step toward him. “And if he wasn't around?”

X was quiet for so long that I thought he’d just stand there and not answer, basically waiting for me to get annoyed enough to walk away. I was a patient person, but he didn't put that to the test.

“If he wasn't here, I wouldn't be either,” he said simply.

I swallowed hard, my heart twisting painfully. The priest had been right.

“You have people–”

He cut me off. “My family's dead, Nori. My only friends are all from a military I'm not a part of anymore. There's no point.”

“There is a point!” Something inside me snapped and I crossed over to him. I didn't care about those lines that were supposed to be between us. All I cared about was making him see that he had to live.

“No offense, Nori, but you don't know shit.”

“I don't know shit?!” I shoved him and he took a step back, eyes wide.

At least I'd gotten some reaction out of him. That told me there was hope. He wasn't completely lost. But I’d never get through to him if I played nice, I realized. He had people show him compassion. He had people who cared for him. It hadn't done any good. He needed some sense smacked into him. Figuratively, at least.

So I took a slow breath and told him.

“When I was a teenager, my older brother, Logan, enlisted in the army.” I forced myself to keep looking at him. “Within four months he was back...and missing the bottom half of his right leg.”

X's jaw clenched, but other than that, he showed no reaction.

“I adored my big brother,” I continued. “And I was so proud of him for serving his country, for being one of those who wanted to protect the people he cared about. But when he came home, he wasn't that boy anymore. It was like something inside him had been lost along with his leg.”

His eyes narrowed, and I knew he was getting ready to argue or cuss me out or something like that.

“He'd been home for eight months when I came home early from school. I wasn't feeling good, so I signed myself out. When I got home, I went to Logan's room to tell him I was back.” My hands curled into fists, nails digging into my palms.

“Nori–”

“He hung himself,” I said flatly. “He was in so much pain, and he felt like there wasn't anyone he could turn to, so he killed himself. And I found him.”

X raised his hand like he was going to touch me, then dropped it. A look of frustration crossed his face. “I'm sorry you went through that, Nori, but it won’t be like that for me. I don't have a family. No one but the father cares about me.”

I wanted to tell him that he had me, but I didn't yet know what that meant to me, let alone what it would mean to him. “You don't know what the future holds. You could still have a family.”

His smile was so cynical that I almost winced.

“Come on, Nori. We both know better than that.” He gestured to the left side of his body.

For the first time, I realized how the burns had twisted and distorted what had probably once been beautiful tattoos. He was like that inside too, I thought. Beautiful and damaged.

“I guess it's only fair I look like this now,” he said as he turned away. “I've always been more of a monster than a man.”

“You're not,” I immediately protested. “You're not a monster.”

He flinched and I wondered what I'd said to get that reaction. I was tempted to ask, but I didn't. It wasn't important right now.

“I'm not a man either.” His voice was so quiet that I almost missed it. “I lost everything all at once. Everything spun out of control the moment I went into that warehouse, and I have no way to get it back. And the one thing I should be able to control – my death – I can't either. Not without hurting the only person I have left.”

I wanted to help him, but I didn't know how. How was I supposed to make someone who wanted to die, want to live? I couldn't give him back his family...

And then it hit me.

A very, very, VERY bad idea.

The worst idea I could possibly have ever had in the history of bad ideas. More foolish than moving out here. Dumber than anything I'd ever done. Walking the ethical line, even if I wasn't really his nurse.

But it was the only thing I could think of that might possibly save him.

“I have an idea about how to give you back some of that control you've lost.”

His head jerked around, his eyes meeting mine.

Heat flooded my face, but it was too late to back out now.

“This is going to sound crazy, but just hear me out.”

And then I told him my very bad idea.