Divided (10 page)

I looked at all the plaques and all the national titles they had won as I walked past each year’s team. I stopped when I saw Ryan’s picture along with his teammates taken on the ice.
Graduating class of 2006. 
How handsome and he was team captain too.
Sexy.

We made our way to the rink. “So we only have to stay for an hour or so.” He said. “I called out of work today, but I can’t call out on these guys.” He was so sweet calling in from work to spend time with me.

“Ryan, it’s no big deal. Even if you had to work, I would still have hung out at your office or we could’ve gotten together after you were done with work.” I trailed behind him admiring my surroundings. Ryan showed me to a bleacher seat before he headed towards the ice.

“Hi guys,” He said to all the little kids in their helmets, ice boots, and hockey sticks standing on the rink. I had been so busy admiring the facility that I hadn’t seen that he was here to coach kids. Ryan left my side and made his way to the door that opened onto the rink.

“Hi, Coach Ryan!” they all shouted back at him.

Ryan was teaching twelve special needs children all about hockey. The hour went by so quick and everyone was complaining when it was over, including myself. It was mesmerizing to watch Ryan do what he loved. He was so patient with the kids and kept them motivated. He wasn’t a mean coach that would yell or discourage. He was proud of all their hard work and constantly praised them. Seeing Ryan with so many kids made me wonder if he ever wanted kids of his own. Marco and I never really discussed kids. I wasn’t opposed to having them.  I loved kids, babysitting was my favorite job when I was younger but Marco was different.

Marco was career driven and wanted to be at the top of the corporate ladder, he also didn’t have time to commit to a child. I never brought it up and never asked whether he wanted them. I just assumed it wasn’t what he wanted. Even after four years of living together he hounded me to make sure my birth control was taken every day.

Ryan seemed different though his eyes shined brighter then ever. He appeared to genuinely enjoy being around these kids; there was this light and happiness in his eyes that brought love back into my heart. It was only a little bit, but it was a start. When practice was over Ryan came and sat next to me. “That was incredible.” I eagerly said to him. “How long have you being teaching them?” He put his feet up on the wall.

“That specific class, for about four years now. But I have been teaching special needs kids how to play hockey since I was in high school.” This guy just kept getting better and better.

“Wow, that’s fantastic.”  I said placing my hand on his thigh. It was dumb, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. “The awards dinner that we are going to is to honor them. The foundation does it every year.”
Foundation
? Because I was nosy and couldn’t help myself I had to ask. “What foundation?” “My family’s.” He responded so quickly it was like he knew I was going to ask. Maybe I was being too nosy. “You said you skated before, right?” He asked after minutes of us just staring at the ice.

      “When I was little, my father took me to Rockefeller Center around Christmas. We waited in line for four hours to skate, and it was so packed that we couldn’t really move around. That was the only time. I told you this why are you asking?”

      He looked down at my feet, “Size 6 right?” I nodded. “I’ll be right back.” He came back carrying ice skates for him and myself, along with a puck and hockey sticks.
Great
. I was going to make an ass out of myself. “Put these on, I’ll teach you how to skate.” I looked at him and then at the shoes “One needs to learn how to ice skate before she can learn how to play hockey.” He said in a voice like he was quoting a great philosopher. I giggled and he dropped down to his knees and began taking off my Uggs. “It’s a good thing you have a great teacher.”

After I was all geared up and strapped in, he took my hands and I followed him to the rink holding onto him tightly.

Seeing the fright on my face he asked me again, “You’ve done this before, right?’’

I looked frantic at him. “Yes, when I was a kid.” I explained to him yet again. “Why do you keep asking?”

“Because I need you to remember that you did this already, and there is no need to be scared.” I took deep breath calming my nerves a bit

We made our way into the rink and I grabbed onto him with one hand and to the wall with the other. Fear invaded my body and I could no longer let go.

“Let go. I won’t let you fall” His facial expression softened.

“No.” I shook my head.

“Let go, Alani.” He said again.

“No. When you’re a child nothing scares you. You think that you are invincible, and you feel like you can conquer the world. As you grow, you learn that certain things in life can really hurt you physically and emotionally. Falling in love can end with a broken heart that will demolish you and ice skating on fresh ice can end with broken bones; either way Ryan, something ends up broken and it hurts like hell.” I frantically said with my hands holding on to the wall for support.

“Alani, look at me. I’m right here. I won’t let you go and I promise I’ll catch you if you fall.”

I didn’t look at him. Letting go of this wall was more than just learning how to skate. Letting go of this wall was letting go of my past and fears. Fears that included opening my heart to Ryan.

“Alani, we don’t have to do this. If you’re too scared, we can stop. “

I wanted to do this. I knew I could do this. For the past week I had second-guessed everything I had ever done.  After the whole Marco situation, I had committed to keeping myself guarded from anything that could cause me pain. This was one of them; letting go of this wall was like letting go of that guard.  

I finally lifted my head and looked at Ryan and his smiled quickly melted any fears I had. “Do you trust me?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Ok, let go of the wall.”

I slowly lifted my fingers away from the wall and reached for his other hand. He grabbed it and pulled me towards him, and when our bodies’, met he cradled me in his arms like a baby.

“Ryan what are you doing? Please put me down.”

“Nope, I asked you if you trusted me and you said yes so hold on tight.”

He skated around the ice rink with me in his arms. The first time around my arms were wrapped in a death grip around his neck and my eyes were sealed shut. By the second lap I released the grip on his neck and opened my eyes ever so slightly. By the third time around my heart was still pounding, but I knew that I could do this and my grip became more relaxed.

“I can do it.” I told him.

He stopped placing me on my two feet in front of him.   Letting go of one of his arms I slowly began to move my feet. Ryan was right next to me watching me carefully. After five minutes of slowly skating I pushed a little harder and move a little faster.

After a few almost face plant moments, Ryan and I were skating like little kids. I was skating on my own without his hands or his support. With his guidance I was able to stand-alone. I could only skate forward as Ryan showed off by skating backwards but he looked free on the ice, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

When I could no longer take the pain in my legs I made my way out of the rink and began taking my ice skates off. Ryan was right behind me. “You did really great out there, you’re a natural.”

“Yeah after you forced me to go, and carried me around until I wasn’t afraid to do it on my own.” I said, glad that Ryan had pushed me passed my fear. Helping me to let go.

“But you still never gave up, Bug, we will work on teaching you how to play hockey a different day.”

We put on our regular shoes and made our way back to his office. I looked at everything he had hung up from schedules to potential scouted players. I walked over to a frame to see who was in the picture and I was surprised when I saw three adolescents. One I could tell was Ryan; he looked to be about 17 or 18.

“Are these your siblings?” I asked him while he was putting all of the hockey gear away.

“Yes, that’s me, my sister Jessica and my kid brother, Trent.”

“Is it just the three of you?” I wanted to know more about him.

“Now there is two, but we were three.” A hint of pain in voice when he spoke.

“Oh I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.” I apologized, feeling terrible for bringing it up.

“It’s ok,” He shook his head, his eyes sad when he continued. “Trent passed a long time ago.”  I put the picture down and continued to look around

“What do you want for lunch?” he asked, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence. He was smiling at me, which was a great sign. I thought I might have ruined the day by bringing up his brother.

“Surprise me.” I told him.

Ryan and I walked out of the college and into his car. We drove five minutes from the college before he pulled into the parking space at Mikes Pizza and Pub.

“I’m sure it’s not like the New York style pizza that you’re use to, but it is really good and they have a lot of different kinds of beer.”

“Pizza and beer sounds great!”

Ryan and I chatted about different topics during our lunch, from my work as a writer and why I chose that profession, to our likes and dislikes for pizza toppings. Conversation between us was easy. There wasn’t a dull moment.

After lunch Ryan took me back to the hotel. I was a little sad that our day was already over but I didn’t want to complain or come off as needy.

“Can I take you to dinner later?  There is this really nice bistro that has really good Italian food.”

I smiled at him and nodded before kissing him on the cheek goodbye. “I’ll see you later, Kraft.” I said, doing an imaginary happy dance in my head since our day together wasn’t officially over.

“I’ll pick you up at seven.”

As soon as I got to my room, I dug through all the clothes I had brought for something cute and sexy to wear to dinner. Luckily I bought a couple of really cute sweaters from when I went to the mall. I decided to go with a black sweater and dark skinny jeans, and paired them with knee high boots and a colorful scarf to dress up the dark colors.

Two hours later I was showered, dressed, and had my hair curled and makeup complete. Looking at the clock I realized it was only 5:00PM and I still had two hours to kill.
Fuck!
I thought to myself.

Turning away I heard the buzz of my phone on the nightstand.

Ryan: Let me know if you’re ready earlier. I can pick you up and we can go for a stroll downtown.

Thank God! I thought, I didn’t know what I would have done if I had to actually wait another two hours to see him.

Me: I can be ready in ten.

I texted back, not wanting him to know I was already ready.

Ryan :) I’ll be there.

Tossing my phone back on the nightstand, I flicked through channels waiting for his arrival. After ten minutes had pass I made my way down stairs just in time to catch Ryan walking in.

“Wow, you look breathtaking.” He said as he leaned down and kissed my cheek.

“Thank you, you don’t look so bad yourself.” Dressed in jeans with a gray fitting button down and a charcoal blazer, he looked amazing.

“Shall we?” He said extending his arms out for me. I put my coat on and wrapped my arms with his. We rode in silence, my nerves through the roof, though it was technically not a date date, I couldn’t help feeling like it was.

Downtown Grand Forks was filled with people. There were carts providing street food and a local band performing for a small crowd. We walked with our arms wrapped around each other, taking in all that was happening around us. I spotted Ryan’s friend Mike as he was making his way toward us with a group of people. Smiling and waving, I recognize some of the guys from Vegas and some I had never seen before.

“Alani, what are you doing here with this tool?” Mike said in jest as he reached us and hugged me tightly. Ryan never letting go of my arm. His face was turned and he looked pissed, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Hi Mike! We’re just going to grab something to eat. How are you?” I looked at the group behind Mike that were now all looking at Ryan and me. There was a small group of girls whispering and looking over at Ryan and I in between comments though I chose to ignore them.

“I’m good. I heard you were in town. It’s really good to see you again. I know Ryan here is thrilled that he found you. He was looking all over town when he heard there was a new face matching your description walking around. He was like a lost puppy.” Mike joked, pointing at Ryan, his buddies clucking at his comment.

“We get the point.” Ryan said rudely. I didn’t know what happened between him and Mike, but I had thought they were friends. “Alani, you ready?’ Ryan said as he began pulling me back towards him.

“Uh yeah… it was nice seeing you again, Mike. Bye.” We walked past them and I found it strange that Ryan didn’t bother looking back or saying goodbye. In fact, he didn’t say a single word to me. After several awkward moments in silence, I stopped where I was, forcing him to stop as well. “Did I do something wrong or did you and Mike have a fight?”

Ryan took a deep breath. “No, nothing like that. One of the girls that was with them is an ex of mine, and I didn’t want her to make you uncomfortable, that’s all.”

“Oh, okay.” I said, not really sure how to respond.

We continued to walk until we made it to the restaurant. Ryan didn’t say anything more on the way and kept his hands in his jacket pockets with his shoulders hung low. Something more was going on here, I just couldn’t figure it out.

The instant we walked into the restaurant the smell of tomato sauce and garlic assailed me.  The aroma was powerful and my stomach ached with hunger. We were seated in a small table in the corner. The lighting dim and the tea candles giving the place a romantic feel. Ryan sat next to me, as opposed to across from me, which I find odd. He brought his chair closer to mine and I met him half way so that we were almost touching shoulders.

Our waiter handed us each a menu and placed a wine list on the table. “Would you like some wine?” Ryan asked while holding up the wine menu. His eyes looked sad as if he were searching mine for some type of answer to an unspoken question.