Dirty Nails (9 page)

Twelve- Death do us part 

              I wasn’t sure how long I was out, but when I woke up I was lying in Max’s bed. No one was there with me. I was alone. The lamp on the nightstand was on dim barely lighting the room. I could lift my head up off the pillow but it hurt. My head was swimming, and my stomach was achy but I could tell that my fever was gone.

              As bad as I wanted to cry I couldn’t. It would hurt too much. That was the worst beating that I’d ever taken from Max. He’d hit me before, but never beat me while I was down. It was low even for him. I’d never felt so scared and hurt. He fucked up. He fucked up bad, but what could I do. This was his game. His rules. I was just the pawn. Right?

              All of these years I’d put up with so much, and for what reason, just so that I could live? This didn’t feel like living. The punishments were always cruel, and I placed the blame on some sick past that he had. Or some twisted idea that he just needed control. I could let him hit me, if that was what he needed. But he went too far this time. I’m not sure I could forgive him. Then again I really didn’t have a choice. He’d just kill me. I was trapped.

              When I lifted my shirt I could see the dark bruises on my skin. They would heal, but I’m not sure that my heart would.

              The cool air touched my bare legs and sent a shiver over my body as I stood from the bed. I didn’t want to be here when he got back. I wanted to be asleep in my own bed. It wasn’t likely that I’d be able to sleep, but I needed to get out of there.

              I walked over to his closet to find a robe or something to put over myself to keep me warm. I don’t know how long I was out for, but it was long enough to make me feel a little better. Outside of the stiff muscles and sore bones, I felt okay. My legs seemed a little unsteady, but nothing a little more rest wouldn’t fix. Unfortunately I wouldn’t be getting any, not if Max had anything to do with it.

              Inside the closet I found Max’s robe. I slipped it on and just before I turned off the light I found a box. It was sitting on the floor towards the back. It wouldn’t have stuck out to me if hadn’t had the name Shay written in permanent marker across the front. I peeked over my shoulder to see if anyone was in here. Snooping in Max’s things would surely get me another beating. I pulled the door closed a bit and hurried to open the box as quietly as I could. It was crammed full of Polaroid’s. Each and every picture was of me. There was uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. There had to be two hundred or more photos stuffed inside this box. Almost all of them were of me sleeping. Most I had never seen. This was some kind of freaking fetish.

              I put the lid back onto the box and put it back where I found it, careful not to leave anything out of place. Just as I was about to stand back up I noticed another box. It didn’t have a name on it. It sat a little farther back into the corner.

              I was just about to open the lid, when I heard the bedroom door open. I stood up fast and pretended to be tightening the belt to the robe as I stepped out of the closet.

              It was Max. His face red and streaks of tears down his face.

              He gave me a once over, before he finally spoke.

              “Shay,” his voice was shaky.

              “Please,” I stepped back until my back was flush against the closet door. I couldn’t take another beating like that. I couldn’t. It would kill me. It would break me for good.

              “Shay,” he dropped to his knees in front of me, and wrapped his arms around my legs and cried.

              Never.

              Never in fourteen years had I seen that man cry. He was a machine that had no heart, no feelings, and I wondered at times if he had a soul.

              “I’m sorry Shay. I don’t ever want to hurt you. I’m so sorry.” He pleaded over and over. His arms were wound tight against my lower legs.

              “Max.” I spoke, but it was just above a whisper. It was the first time I had tried to speak and it came out sounding rough and manly.

              He looked up at me, his eyes filled to the rim. It literally broke my heart seeing him like that. It hurt inside my chest. It was too much for me to see.

              I knelt down in front of him, so that I could hug him.

              “I’m sorry,” he said over and over. “Something is wrong with me Shay. You know I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t. I was someone else when I hit you. Not a man Shay. Not your man. I can’t forgive myself. I’m horrible.”

              “It’s okay.” I ran my fingers through his hair over and over.

              “It’s not. I hurt you. Please forgive me. Please don’t ever leave me.”

             
Like I could.

             
“I have nowhere to go Max. This is my home.” I swallowed the thickness in my throat. It was my home. The only place I’d ever known. There was no way I could belong anywhere else.

              “I want you by my side forever. You know that you were asleep for two days? I had a doctor come and take a look at you. He gave you some medicine injections to help, and he said you’d feel better. You wouldn’t wake up. I was so scared.” His eyes were honest in the moment. He looked scared and lost like a little boy. I felt an overwhelming urge to nurture him and reassure him at that very moment.

              I pulled him closer to me. “Why did you do it Max? I thought you loved me.”

              “I do love you Shay. I love you so much. It was like somebody else was inside my body that I couldn’t control.”               Sadly I knew exactly what he was saying. He’d been acting like this for a while now, but never this bad, and never to the point where I was scared for my life. It was like a switch that flipped inside of him. Don’t get me wrong. He’s always been crazy and controlling. But each and every time they sort of went hand and hand. Lately, it’s been weird, like he’s had two different personalities. He was hot, he was cold, and he was completely unhinged.

              I mentioned it to him once, but he said he was fine and told me to keep my mouth shut.

              Over time it kept getting more and more out of control.

              This time he crossed the line.

              “I’ve been stressed. I need to get away. Go away with me. Please,” his eyes lit up.

              “What?”

              The conversation sort of took a one eighty, like his mind.

              “I know how it sounds, but I need to get out of here for a while. Clear my head. I need you, and only you. I promise I’ll be better. I will spend every minute making this whole situation right. I love you. Go away with me.”

              Away.

              God, the sound of that was like music to my ears. He’s never taken me away. I’m always closed up behind these walls.

              “Where would we go?” I asked.

              “Wherever you want. The sky is the limit.” His eyes still pleaded with mine. They were begging me to say yes.

I wanted to. I really wanted to.

              So many things were beyond these walls that I needed. A little piece of life that I’ve never been given. I couldn’t refuse. He’d be better away from all of the work and hustle. Just him and me, alone. If no one was watching, then he’d have no reason to hurt me.

              At least that was what I was going to tell myself. Anything to get out of here. His offer was too good to refuse.

              “Okay Max. I’ll go with you.” I watched his eyes light up. “Take me away from here.”

              “I will my love. Things will be better. I promise. I want you to be mine forever, Shay. I don’t ever want be parted from you. This life will be better soon. You’ll see.”

              “I’m yours.” I looked up into his eyes, those dark, deadly eyes.

              “Let me put you back in the bed.”

              He lifted me up bridal style, careful not to move me too much. He wouldn’t hurt me tonight. I knew he wouldn’t. Once I was tucked in, he joined me. His body lay gracefully next to mine, and his hand rested on my hip. It was a sweet gesture.

              I had no idea where his mind was at, but his light touches made me remember my Maxwell. The man that protected and loved me so vigorously in the beginning.

              “I’m tired Shay.” His eyes were heavy and the darkness around them was evident.

              “Sleep Max,” I said, resting my hand on top of his.

              “Did you mean it when you said that you were mine?”

              “I did. I’ve always been only yours.”

              “Then marry me.”

              “Wait, what, ouch,” There was a sharp pain in my ribs when I sat up too quickly. “You can’t be serious?”

              “I don’t play Shay. You know that. I’m serious. Marry me?”

              This man just beat the fuck out of me, cried in my arms, and promised me a tiny bit of freedom, now he wants to marry me.

              “I can’t breathe.” I needed my nails. “I need some air.”

              “What’s the issue here? You love me, I love you. I can’t live without you. Let’s be together forever.”

              He has fucking flipped his lid.

              I stood up again.

             
Breathe just breathe.

              “I don’t know why you’re freaking right now. You were planning on spending forever with me anyway. Everyone knows that you’re mine. I want you to know it too, and believe it. I want us to be together Shay. We belong together.”

              I needed an escape, some time to think. I needed my nails.

              “You love me Max?”

              “Of course.”

              “Then let me think about this please. I need to be alone in my room tonight. I need to sleep on this and think it through. This is a big step. It would be a big step for anyone.” I backed up a few steps, keeping out of arms reach of him. “Surely you understand that after what happened last night or the night before.” I ran my hand through my hair. “Shit, whatever night it was that you knocked me out. You must know that I need some time after that. I forgive you. I do. But I’m not certain that you won’t ever do it again. It scared me, Max.”

              “I said I was sorry.” He yelled out.

              “Please, Max. One night. Give me one night to think about this. I’ll give you my answer tomorrow.”

              I knew full and well that I’d have to say yes. So did he. He could force me to do it if he wanted to. There was no thinking about it. He’d made up his mind, and mine too. Once again I was backed into a corner with no way out. I had no fucking choice, but I wanted to pretend for one night that I did.

              “Don’t make me wait too long.”

              “I won’t. Goodnight Max.” I stepped over to him and lightly kissed his cheek. His eyes started to close.

              “Goodnight.” He said, but was nearly asleep before I even made it out the door.

              I wanted to punch something, anything. He promised me the greatest gift, then sucker punched me in the gut with a proposal. I need my nails and the hottest shower I could get.

              Under the hot stream of water I tried to replay what just happened. I watched the blood rinse down the drain from my arm, and it should have made me feel better.

It didn’t.

My mind was running a million miles a minute. I’d so easily forgiven him for the beating he gave me. All it took was a few tears and an apology. I cracked. Then the promise of sweet release. It was a trip that I couldn’t refuse.

I slammed my palms against the side of the shower and cried. It really felt good to let it all out. This was the first time in fourteen years that I’d felt trapped. It always felt like I was doing what I needed to do. It was survival. Freedom was never an option, but I didn’t care.

Turns out that you care a lot more when you’re scared, and that’s exactly how I felt. One important thing was that I knew that I would always have a home, and a warm meal. He had always provided for me.

Always.

My tears ran out along with the hot water, and I just wanted to put my worrying to bed. Tomorrow would be a new day, and I hoped that the moment I told him yes would be the moment we could hop the first plane out of town.

It was my only thing I had to look forward to.

              I stepped out of the shower and slipped on a long tee shirt. I didn’t bother putting anything on under it.

             
Marriage.

              Ugh.

             
It was all I could think about. I needed to find sleep as fast as I could.

              I laid down in the bed pulling the comforter tightly around me, and closed my eyes. The first thing I thought about was that box of pictures in his closet. It had slipped my mind in the midst of Max’s breakdown and proposal. I wondered what was in the other box, but thought that I’d probably never figure it out.