Diary of an Angel (6 page)

“I’m not sure what to think about God and heaven,” Angela said in a near whisper. “I haven’t known for a long time. But I think Lily’s alright.” She recounted to him her experience from the morning. How she had felt warm, inexplicable reassurance that Lily was happy and well. She shared every detail, opening herself up to Jack more than she had done for many years.

When she’d finished she finally looked at him. But she no longer held his gaze.

“Jack,” she said with increased confidence, “I owe you an apology. You must feel like I always blamed you for Lily’s...for what happened.” Jack pressed his lips together firmly. “I was wrong, Jack. I just wanted someone to blame. So, I clung to the thought that it was your fault. It seemed to make me feel better to believe I could have saved her. I’m sorry.”

Jack maintained his unseeing gaze. Angela moved closer to him and put her head on his shoulder. “I love you,” she said. Slowly, he put his arm around her. “I love you, too.”

Difficult Questions

I
raced to Angel Command that morning, impatient to discuss the previous day’s events with the others. I could hardly have felt happier about Jack and Angela’s reconciliation.

The conservatory was filled with laughter when I entered. Glendor appeared to be sharing a humorous story from his “mortal days”—something greatly relished. He loved to make others laugh. And everyone (except for Anawin) was laughing contentedly.

Anawin patted my hand as I sat down next to her, and Glendor decided to cut short his story. All eyes turned towards me.

“Good morning, Forenica,
” Glendor greeted, “I see you’ve brushed your teeth this morning.”

I realized that I was smiling giddily, like a little child who can’t wait to open her Christmas presents. Undoubtedly, I must have looked rather silly grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“We’re all glad that you are so happy this morning, dear,” Anawin said with a hint of reprimand directed at Glendor. “We would love to hear about what happened yesterday.”

“
Glaven can tell you. He was there, too,” I suggested, trying not to steal the show, though I desperately wanted to tell the story.

“Oh, no!” responded
Glaven, “This was Angela’s victory, by far.
You
need to tell it.”

I didn’t protest further. Excitedly, I told them all that had passed since the previous day. I told them about my discovery of Lily—who they all knew about, of course. Of my trip to the Nursery and decision to take Lily to visit Angela. Of the brief but sweet reunion of mother and daughter, and the impact it had on Angela. How Angela’s thoughts and emotions swirled around Lily all day. Finally, I recounted the scene on the park bench, where Angela finally made amends with Jack.

Anawin had brought Angela’s book, of course. She showed us a few of the moments I had just described. I watched with delight every scene. Above all, though, my favorite part was watching Jack and Angela walk arm-in-arm away from the park bench. By the end, little tears glided down my face. Anawin patted my arm. “Very good, Forenica. That was a giant step for Angela. We’re all pleased at her progress.”

“Yes, brilliantly done!” added Glendor. “I think this calls for a celebration. Let’s bring out the champagne.” The others laughed, but Anawin just shook her head. “Seriously, dear, this is a happy occasion. Thank you for your diligence.”

“Now,” he continued, “What are you planning to do about her relationship with Father? She evidently has some doubts about His goodness and mercy. She needs to understand that He does love her—more than she can comprehend.”

“I’m not sure exactly what to do about that,” I admitted. “I wish that we could talk to her—like we’re talking right now. It’s so hard to get her to understand the simplest message.”

“That is one of the challenges of our work. It is so for good reason, though. We cannot change it. But,” he said, as a scheming smile stole across his face, “there are ways of getting around that obstacle.”

He paused for effect, and I looked at him skeptically, sure this was one of his jokes.

“We have special operatives,” he continued, speaking as if he were revealing some highly classified information. “Grounds forces, you might call them, with special powers for communicating with mortals. We can call on them for such circumstances. What do you say, Anawin, should we bring in agent 00019?”

Anawin shook her head. “He’s not entirely joking, dear. There’s nothing secretive about them though. And they don’t have special powers or even code names. They are simply other mortals. Ones who have learned to listen to and follow heaven’s voice. Ones on whom Father can rely to do His will. In this case, my ridiculous husband is referring to Rachel, one of Angela’s closest friends.”

“Precisely, my dear,” exclaimed Glendor. “I think she’s just the one for this job. What do you say, Forenica?”

“You probably know better than I.” I had yet to meet Rachel. Though I knew about her from Angela’s book. She’d been with Angela the day Lily passed away.

“That settles it, then. Soren, will you arrange with Violet to have Rachel visit Angela? Today, if she can manage it.”

Glendor turned back to me. “I have great confidence in Rachel. You should plan on her visit today.”

*   *   *

For the entire morning I felt an eagerness for Rachel to come. Though, honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect from her
visit. I wondered how she could fix Angela’s perception of God. Glendor and Anawin had expressed confidence in the plan. That gave me hope.

Nothing particularly eventful happened that morning. Jack had gone to follow up on a few job leads. Angela dropped off Justin and Kailey at school, returned home, and did some laundry. After completing a few other chores, she picked up the newspaper. As much as she disliked the idea, finding some sort of part-time employment might be necessary. Searching the Classifieds for a job, though, proved more depressing than she had imagined.
Where were all the jobs?
she wondered.

She was about to get up from the table to make something for lunch when the doorbell rang.
Probably Mrs. Mapleton
, she thought to herself. When she opened the door she did not find Mrs. Mapleton standing on the porch, but Rachel—our secret agent. Angela’s face brightened ten-fold to see her. They hugged enthusiastically, and Angela invited her inside, where they began an animated conversation, catching up on recent events. Mostly they talked about their children, the new school year with its trials, challenges and scheduling nightmare—one endless stream of extra-curricular activities.

Angela avoided any mention of Jack’s job loss, but when Rachel asked how she’d been Angela could hardly convince her long-time friend that everything was fine. Rachel prodded her, a sincere expression of concern on her face. It was too much for Angela; she began to tear up. Rachel put her arms around Angela and silently held her while Angela recovered from her sudden emotional overload.

“Sorry,” Angela said, sniffing and wiping away the last of her tears.

“Let’s go outside and we can talk about it. It’s a beautiful day out there.”

Outside the noon sun floated high in the sky, amid lazy clouds. A delicate breeze circulated crisp air, refreshing everything it touched.

The two sat down in chairs surrounding the patio table, and took a moment to admire the weather. Neither of them spoke for some time. Rachel waited patiently until Angela was ready to talk. When Angela did speak she did so with less reserve than she had done with Jack. She began by telling about the experience she had the previous morning, her conversation with Jack, and her effort to mend the wounds she had inflicted on Jack after Lily’s death. Rachel listened without interrupting. Angela expressed how good—how right—it had felt to forgive Jack.

“But,” she said, “I don’t know what to think about God anymore.”

This was not a statement Rachel expected to hear. And all she could think to say was, “Do you not believe He exists?”

“No, I believe He exists. I just don’t believe He’s the same god I used to believe in.”

“How do you see Him now?”

“I don’t know. Before Lily...before she died...I thought I knew Him. I believed in a kind and loving God, a merciful Father. I remember learning about individuals who had lost loved ones in tragic ways, and abandoned their trust in God because of it. I used to think how foolish they were. I believed if such tragedies ever happened to me, I would not let them shake my faith. Then my convictions were put to the test.

“Afterward I tried to go to Him for comfort. But all I could do was ask, ‘Why? How could you take my precious Lily?’ He never answered me.

“If Lily’s death was just a trial, a test, then I failed. It’s a nice idea to talk about God loving us and trying us for our good, until the day of the examination comes, and you discover the pain is as real as it is intense. Then it’s not a game anymore. It’s no longer theories and untried conviction.”

Angela paused, looking at the concerned face of her friend. The two of them had had similar discussions before. This time was different though. Angela acted calm, not accusatory, like she might truly want to listen to someone else. Rachel ventured to speak.

“So you don’t think God loves you?”

“That’s what
I’m confused about. Two days ago I would have answered, ‘No, I don’t think God loves me,’ as juvenile as that may sound. But yesterday when I felt that Lily was happy and safe, I felt comfort like I haven’t felt before. It was too real for me to have made up. I felt it again when I saw the sunset that evening. I believe it was God, Rachel, finally showing me some signs of love. Finally, after all these years. But where has He been? Why did He leave me when I needed him most? Now to add to everything, Jack’s lost his job. And—”

“You didn’t tell me that,” Rachel said, cutting her off. “When did this happen? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it seems like I only call you when something’s wrong.”

“I don’t care,” said Rachel frowning in disapproval. “Next time, you call me. OK?”

“Hopefully, next time I’ll be calling to tell you he has a new job.”

“How’s his job search going?”

“Terrible. Nothing thus far. He’s out right now looking into a few prospects, nothing too promising.”

“Are you guys alright, financially?”

Angela laughed a little, a slightly deranged laugh. “Things are looking a bit grim. We need to figure out something...soon. I don’t know maybe I’ll get a job flipping burgers.”

“It could be worse.”

“Could it?” Angela replied, in a more serious tone. “I suppose so. I could lose all my hair, have my teeth fall out, be bereaved of my three remaining children and have a husband with one hand on the bottle and the other on me. Sure, that would be worse.”

Rachel frowned at her exasperated friend again. “I’m sorry,” she said, softly. “But you know what I meant.”

“I know. It’s just that...well, like I said before I can’t figure out what God’s trying to do. If this is love I think I’d rather not be loved.” She sat for a moment in contemplation, searching through her feelings. “I’m grateful for what He did to help me with my loss of Lily. But it took so long before He did anything. And now with Jack’s job loss, I feel like...like I’d prefer it if God just left me alone.”

Rachel lowered her head. “I think I know how you feel. I’ve had trials that I wished He’d spared me from. And sometimes I worry what will come next. But I don’t think my fear has ever been justified—in the end. We’re not here to live without grief and pain, to live an easy and comfortable, ever-blissful life.”

“That’s not what I’m asking for. I don’t understand why my trials have to be so hard. I would take all the others happily if he’d just give me back Lily, or save us from losing our home and everything we own.”

“I know. But don’t you see? You’re looking at those ‘other challenges’ through the lens of experience. They don’t seem so bad because you have passed through much worse. He’s made you stronger than you were before.”

“But I don’t care about being strong. I want that peace and happiness God seems to always talk about, but sparingly gives.”

Rachel smiled softly. “There is only one way to have it: you have to give yourself to God, trust in Him. Peace and happiness do not exist without Him. He is Peace and Happiness, everything that’s good. You can’t create your own happiness apart from Him.”

“Well, where was His help after Lily died?”

“You felt it yesterday, didn’t you?”

“Sure, twelve years later!”

“Do you think you would have received His comfort soon after she died? He won’t force comfort upon us, just like He won’t force happiness or even obedience. His comforting embrace is ever present, but we must be willing to
let
it assuage our pains. Too often, I know I’m like a little child who cries inconsolably in her mother’s arms. If I would just stop crying for a moment I might feel the support that was always there.”

Angela looked up and stared at the swaying oak tree, which stood in their backyard. A red cardinal emerged from its leafy boughs, and darted across the sky.

“But why does it all have to be so hard?” she asked, with deep sincerity.

Rachel shook her head. “Only He knows the
why.
But I have an idea. We’re not here merely to get through life, or get it over with—which sometimes sounds nice. God has sent us here to make something of us, to make us more than we could ever dream of becoming. But He can’t do it without our consent. He’s willing to let us choose our own way. If life were a paradise why would we ever want to go back to Him? We wouldn’t even see the need for God’s help, or for the Savior. This life must hold obstacles and trials so that we can learn to rely on God, to hold His hand.”

“So,” Angela replied, “He’s sent us here just so we can learn to follow Him? What, did we not follow Him in heaven?”

Rachel waited for a moment before responding, letting her answer form clearly in her mind.

“He’s not merely playing a game with us. To say He sent us here is a bit misleading. We chose to come.”

“Well, I don’t think I would have chosen to come, if I knew how it would be.”