Diary of a Mummy Misfit #1 (30 page)

The afternoon ended with Olivia playing the piano and all of us singing nursery rhymes and children’s songs. Fenella quickly wound things up when Olivia threatened to sing some dirty ditties - think she’d had a little too much bubbly by then.

As we left she was having a ‘little restorative nap’ in the corner of the conservatory, snoring loudly and mumbling “There was a young lady called Blunt …”

Monday 6
^th
October

Mrs S now happily making and printing Diwali cards on her PC for the end of the month.  “I am now cutting and pasting like a little beauty, Libbybeta.  Skunk sits next to me in class now and helps me when I am making a mistake.  So like my Pritesh in many ways.  I am hoping you will get to meet him soon.  He is very much a lesson in not judging a face by its cover.”

God, at this rate she’ll be fixing me up with the Skunk next.

Spoke to Lou on the phone - she’s now convinced Finn has ADHD because he never listens to her.  Eventually convinced her that it’s just the behaviour of a normal three year old and he’ll grow out of it.  “Oh well, in that case, what’s
Cam
’s
excuse because he
still
doesn’t listen,” she moaned.  “Anyway, gotta go.  Think Finn may have left the tap running in the sink while the goldfish is in it. I
told
him not to and I also told
Cam
to watch him.  See what I’m dealing with here?  Love yeh.”

Had Nic & Rick over for dinner.  Filled them in on some of the funnier school anecdotes.

Rick was quite intrigued by the salt dough figures and laughed at my pathetic aliens.  We Googled the company that makes them and found they charge eighteen quid each.

“That’s a huge mark-up when you consider you can make the dough for next to nothing and the only other cost is the paint and varnish.”  Rick was scratching his head.

“What you thinking, Ricky-Boy?”  Nic was on his case.  “I know that look and it usually means trouble.”

“Well, we could help the old Libster out here and make a bit of extra dosh for ourselves.  We’ve got no work on until panto’ and we’re good at this kind of thing.  Come on Nic, there’s a whole heap of mums there waiting to be exploited and we’re the boys for the job.”

Figured they could churn each figure out for less than a pound and easily charge fifteen for them.  “Remember Lib, if anything’s too cheap they won’t buy it ‘cos they won’t trust the quality” Rick commented.

Ned poured me a glass of wine and said, “It
will
make you look pretty good, Libs.  Every problem they chuck at you, you solve with a wave of your wand.”

“
Fairy
wand, on this occasion please.”  Rick giggled.  “Poofs to the rescue!  Oooh, thanks for the lovely grub but we’ve got to dash to start on our new venture.  I’ve suddenly come over all creative.  Let’s go Nickie - to the ‘Fag-Mobeel!’”

That just leaves the problem of the ridiculous ‘helper’s uniforms’ to sort out, but Fenella assures me she has a cunning plan to shut them all up - any further ridiculous requests and we have our stock standard response prepared; “Up your nose with a rubber hose.” Not very mature, and we’ll probably never use it, but it makes us
laugh in our more manic moments.

Tuesday 7
^th
October

Parent/Teachers Christmas Update meeting

Collected assorted tombola contributions from the box in the school hall this morning.  All parents complying well to the regulations now - bottles of champagne, decent wine, fine malt whisky and fancy olives stuffed with delicacies.  Only one item that Poo felt had to be extracted (practically with rubber gloves) - a bottle of garlic-scented olive oil!  “It’s not
extra virgin
, Libby.  Into the Harvest Festival box with it immediately.  Honestly, what are some of these mothers thinking?”

Cobbled some notes together for our meeting tonight and girded our loins for what might lie ahead. 
We shall not be bullied, we shall not be bullied.  Up your nose with a rubber hose. Up your nose …

Wednesday 8
^th
October

Much quicker meeting last night as Fenella and I’d decided to be very much in control and not stand for any repetition, pausing, digression or general pissing around. Sounds like a round of ‘Just a Minute’.

Proudly presented our ‘uniforms’, as requested.  Striped aprons with matching peaked caps from the Pound Shop!  Shaaaron was horrified but after we’d calmly and succinctly presented our reasoning, she didn’t have a leg to stand on.  They’re economical, free-size, unisex
and
achieve continuity of style. “Not exactly the height of elegance though, are they gels?”  Shaaaron whined as she sat there with a cap comically perched on her head.  “Oh well, I guess they’ll do the job and
I
won’t be wearing one. 
My
contribution will be to spend lots of lovely money to boost the profits.”

Lady Bountiful, she ain’t!

Our ‘funny money’ was graciously accepted with lots of ‘oohing and aahing’ - anyone would have thought we’d busted the Bank of England.

The sample salt dough figure I’d brought along from Nic and Rick was met with raptures bordering on orgasmic.  “Oh heavens how adorably sweet.” And “Divine, just divine. I’ll buy at least three.”

Went away feeling really quite chuffed with ourselves and had a celebratory glass or two back at Fenella’s - only had three fags so things must be on the up!

Thursday 9
^th
October

Tiny Terror’s reunion.

Had very mixed feelings about going today.  Keen to see Ruth, Beckie and the kids but just couldn’t face the thought of NM!  Had so many great stories to tell the girls but couldn’t really do them justice without knowing I’d get an “I told you so,” from her.

I was met with a “Oh Libby, do come in.  My, aren’t you looking well? Every inch the yummy mummy now aren’t we?  Is it terribly hard for you to keep up appearances?”  Almost clocked her with my ‘Moist Muffins’ but remembered to imitate the quiet diplomacy of my son with a little white lie, “No, no Marcia.  We’ve settled in wonderfully and everyone at Manor House is very friendly and accepting.” 

Seemed like we’d all had the same idea and taken food contributions, the memory of chipped teeth and constipation still fresh in our minds.  She didn’t disappoint either - revolting looking dried up rye bread with fish paste and a plate of sludgy grey, rock hard ‘tray bake’ were gracing her table as we arrived.

We had to spend most of the afternoon listening to her prattling on about our fantastic state school system and what fine upstanding citizens her chosen school turns out.

Ruth whispered to me, “I’d heard that Perfect Perry’s had a dreadful time settling in and she’s thinking of moving him into the private sector but, of course, we won’t hear
that
side of the story.”

Poor PP, I wouldn’t wish school anxiety on any child and it must be hard enough for him having NM as a mother.  You’d have thought he’d be
glad
to get out of the house in the mornings.

All the kids were really hungry after a day at school but one bite of the stale sandwiches was enough to send them running for the other offerings.  My muffins were gone in about three minutes and the ‘tray bake’ was left to rot further.

Felt good to be in the company of ‘normal people’, NM aside that is.  Didn’t feel like I had to pretend to be something I’m not or that I was being judged by my clothes, car or any other aspect of my lifestyle. Is that my own insecurities though?

Which reminds me, I need to go and find something suitable to wear to tomorrow’s end of half term assembly.  NM doesn’t know half the work that goes in to trying to keep up with the Meemies - and I’ll be buggered if I’d ever let on - I do have my second hand pride, after all.

Friday 10
^th
October

Can’t believe Max has completed his first half term - where did the weeks go?  Just over a month to the Christmas fair and my time will become my own again.  Definitely no babies on the horizon so need to start thinking of a new project to keep me occupied.

Assembly was really sweet with lots of the children receiving awards for their achievements.  Max was chuffed to receive one for being a good friend and Todd got one for settling well - finally!  Fenella and I sat there like dutifully proud mummies and dabbed at our eyes with tissues - pathetic pair that we are.

The usual excited babble from mums at collection time, just at a slightly higher decibel level because of the impending break. The general buzz was, “Oh yes, we’re off to Sardinia for the week.” And “Are you going to your villa or are you off to Wiltshire?”

Fenella and Josh are off to Tuscany and … guess what?  We’ll be off to the park.

Same venue as our summer break, different weather and activities. No paddling pool but probably stomping in puddles or piles of leaves.

Not bitter though.  I’ve got a week with my boy so I’m off to enjoy it - you can keep your villas and your country piles, we’ve got each other and we’ll be just fine in our muddy little puddles.

CONTRACTIONS

Monday 27
^th
October

Max has already been back at school a week but I’ve been so flat out trying to catch up with everything, haven’t had a minute to write.

Half term flew by - several trips to the park, a visit to the cinema and another catch up with Ruth and Beckie, sans NM, so I could fill them in properly on Manor House life.

Fenella and I are now spending so much time together we might just as well be living in the same house.  The fair is taking up every spare minute as preparations kick in to high gear. Would we do it again?  Definitely not - but it’s been a real learning curve.

Today’s agenda:

Check food progress with nannies.

Feel guilty but they know I’m on their side and not one of the ‘evil ones’!  Boy have I learnt some new expletives from those girls - I can now swear in several languages.

Call Nic and Rick to see how many models they’ve made.

At last count they were at the 100 mark and loving every minute - really getting into the creative flow and adding embellishments like freckles, hockey sticks and book bags.  They’ve even made an exact replica of Max - have put it on reserve.  The joy of being in with the right people.  Extra bonus - I don’t have to pay ha, ha, ha!

Format recipe book submissions for consistency and Google more images.

Could be a long job - we eventually shook them out of their apathy and now have 250 recipes ranging from ‘Nut-Free Nut Loaf’ (Hello?) to ‘Sugarless Pavlovas’  (Blurck!)

STOP SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday 28
^th
October

Manor House Quiz night.

Really
don’t want to go tonight but F&J begged us for moral support - God they’re as insecure as me.

The theme is ‘dinner-party-picnic’ - with each table of 8 providing their own full sit down meal, Rumour has it that some of the veteran mothers have been upping the stakes for years and now have out and out wars to compete for the best table - going totally OTT with candelabra, floral arrangements and food
delivered in
from the best restaurants in town.

The tickets cost us thirty quid and we’ll be provided with a bottle of wine and ‘the thrill of the competition!’  Oh and, joy of joys, we’ve been lumbered with Gestapo and husband and the Gnome and Letchy as our other team members - could have thought of many better ways to spend our money.

Like a deposit on some root canal treatment or a Brazilian, maybe?

Wednesday 29
^th
October

We won!

And no thanks to the other ‘know-it-alls’ on our table. Oh, they think they know everything and will argue their point vehemently but, at the end of the day, they’re just a load of hot air.

The start of the evening was totally surreal - huge platters of food and dinner party paraphernalia was carried into the school hall and mothers got down to the serious business of setting their tables.  Most dads stood around throwing wine down their throats and discussing the state of the markets, whilst sneaking glances at bosoms and bottoms of varying sizes.

The Gnome had taken it on herself to organise our table.  She has a child in Year 5, so obviously needed to make her mark in the presentation stakes. She’d gone for the ‘kitch Indian restaurant look’ with lots of satin and flock.  We had huge ornate candles, glittering tea lights and a massive centre-piece orchid - all overstated and vaguely ostentatious.  Our table was crammed to overflowing with decorative crap.

Despite having no room for the actual food, she stood, flushed with pleasure, as we stored our banquet under the table around our feet.

Under her strict instructions, we’d been told what to bring as our contribution to the dinner - don’t quite know how Gestapo managed to get away with bringing a frozen Waitrose pudding and some rank cheese - but aside from that the food was delicious.

The evening was run by a professional quiz company - probably just as well because they managed to keep a tight rein on the proceedings and kept the rowdy bunch under control.  Lots of parents thought they could try it on and ask for extra time on rounds, or clues to answers, but had no joy.  Think I even saw one father sneakily offering a fifty quid note to the quiz-master, which he refused.  God, these people really do think that money can buy them
anything!
  I guess they don’t take failure easily and, even though it’s only a fun school quiz, ‘victory must be theirs’.

Had great fun with the Chocolate Tasting round.  Gestapo declined because of the damage the sugar would do to her body (manages to knock back the Champagne though) and the Gnome refused anything that looked like it might be Cadbury’s or Nestlé - only Lindt or Green & Blacks for her.  Fenella and I tucked in and correctly identified all ten brands.  Felt very pleased with ourselves, if a little sick.

Gestapo and the Gnome declared the Fine Art round “clearly made for us.” Both claimed to have art degrees and to have visited every gallery of “any merit.”  We left them to it, as the paintings were so obscure we didn’t have a clue.  Letchy Dad was too pissed to care and was quite happy ‘tit-watching’ and Gestapo Dad spent the whole time on his iPhone or Blackberry - obviously far too busy to actually take part.  So rude!

After much deliberation and throwing around names of unheard-of artists, our ‘art experts’ proudly handed in their answer sheet.

They managed to get two out of ten correct!  Most people would have accepted their defeat quietly, but they then spent the next fifteen minutes arguing with the adjudicator and accusing the quiz company of not doing their research properly.

During that time, Fenella, Josh, Ned and I managed to get every single question right on the Music and Film round - Letchy even managed to pipe up with a slurred, “Oooh, yes that’s Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.  Fine piece of totty!”

Any extra wine could be bought from a makeshift bar in the corner and I noticed Gestapo and the Gnome taking bottles from a cool bag under our table instead of buying them.

Wasn’t until I went up to buy another bottle that I saw the sign stating all profits from the wine were going to CCL - the pettiness of those bitches.

Later on in the evening, as another CCL fundraiser, we were invited to write our names on twenty pound notes and place them in a hat that was being passed around.  The person drawn would win a huge Fortnum’s hamper.  Needless to say we could barely afford such a luxury but dug deep.

Gestapo and the Gnome refused with such a look of disdain I could have sworn someone had let off a stink bomb.  Letchy chucked a handful of notes in, forgetting to put his name on them and then received a massive bollocking from the Gnome, who totally embarrassed herself by asking for the money back! Gestapo Dad was too busy screaming abuse down his iPhone to know what the hell was going on.

What a night - anyway we won by a clear margin of ten points.  Don’t think it’s the done thing at your first quiz night but we couldn’t give a stuff - the best team won, despite four partial non-participants and we hadn’t resorted to bribery.

Note to self - next year, find out who’s putting the teams together, and lie, cheat (or bribe!) to ensure more pleasant company.

Thursday 30
^th
October  AM

Have just remembered it’s Mum’s birthday tomorrow - yes, on Halloween!  Enough said.

Posted her a card and an M&S voucher - nothing I buy her is ever good enough so she might as well choose her own present and she’ll still find something to moan about.

F&J have decided on an impromptu Halloween party for the kids tomorrow night but, of course, we all have to dress up as well - nothing is done by halves.

Managed to hotchpotch together a black cat outfit for Max, a sexy witch for me and a Dracula for Ned.  Getting to be quite the expert.

Also made some MG’s ‘Perfect Pussies’ and ‘Wicked Witches’ - toxic looking cakes with noxious coloured icing.

Am about to search the web for an evil punch to take with us.

PM

Nipped in to Mrs S to wish her happy Diwali.  Lit candles and held a couple of lighters aloft to sing “Can’t Smile Without You” while we drank Babycham - yuck..  Certainly a different take on the traditional Diwali celebration but Mrs S loved it and that’s what counts.

Ned and I then got rather too involved with the ‘Boggy Brew’ I mixed up - yum.

Depending on what type of hangover it delivers, I’ll make another batch to take tomorrow.

Just off to have the last couple of glasses -
very more-ish!

Friday 31
^st
October

Halloween

The witch’s coven was in full swing at the school gates this morning - must be something in the air.  Heard Gestapo complaining bitterly about the CCL fundraising at the quiz night.  “Blatant exploitation!” She said, looking to the Gnome for back up.  “Oh yes, they really used every trick in the book to make us feel pity for the ‘deprived children’.  But we didn’t give in, did we?  Bloody good idea to take our own wine, as well.”

A couple of other mothers added their own vile comments and then ‘Dress-Up-Mummy’ came on the scene, weirdly turned out as usual (think gothic meets boho), and therefore totally in keeping with the theme of the day.  She appeared to have a juicy piece of gossip because they all huddled together like scheming school girls, about to tear their next victim apart.