Dessi's Romance (23 page)

No, of course I couldn’t.
When you fall in love, it’s mostly because you can’t help it. Love may make
your pulse race, make you long for the loved one, but it also does weird things
to your brain...

My love, you are

the food I eat

the liquid I swallow

the air I breathe

the life within me.

My watch says 11.40 a.m. I clamber out
of bed and hop down the passage. The shed is like the inside of an oven. A hot and
sweaty Graham glances around as I come in. ‘Doing your exercises?’

‘Course,’ I lie. ‘Anyway,
got physio this afternoon.’

‘Hmm’ he grunts, and I can
see him mentally add ‘drive Dessi to physio’ to his timetable.

‘What are you making?’

‘Bathroom cupboards.’

‘Thought you were buying
them.’

‘I was. Then I checked out
the price.’

I watch him measure a plank
of wood, then slowly and carefully mark it in several places with a thick
pencil.

‘Where’s that bit going?’

‘This? Ensuite.’

‘Won’t that make the main bedroom
too small?’

‘Not really. I aim to sneak
in part of the second bedroom.’

‘Wonder whose room it was,’
I muse.

He looks up from measuring
a fresh plank. ‘Great-aunt Lilbet’s.’

‘Where did Ella sleep?’

‘In your room. That’s where
she ran her dressmaking business. Those two were always so busy. They kept a
vegetable garden, fruit trees and chooks. But whenever I turned up, they always
found time for a round of cricket. Suppose I was their substitute child. When
they went into the nursing home we had to rent this house to pay their
expenses. Though they didn’t much like it there, at least they still had each
other. From what I can gather they kept nothing secret from each other. One of
their favourite sayings was: ‘The truth never hurts.’

I look away. Somehow the
idea of two women being so close for eight decades is incredibly uncomfortable.
I can’t help comparing that with Emma and myself. But I’d lay odds that those
women never had a guy they both loved as much as I love Abdul.

The night before flying home, I’m
convinced that I’ll never, ever manage to sleep again. If only I could dance
away from reality like Chagall’s young
Lovers
… Thinking this, I go out like a light.

Next morning Sacha comes
into my room after I’ve packed and waiting for Laura to pick me up. I might
have come to dislike Laura, but it seems only fair to explain why I’m leaving
so unexpectedly.

Sacha’s face shows his
distress and I can’t help feeling horrid. Of course he will be upset at feeling
rejected. Of course he’ll think it’s all to do with him, when in reality, it’s
all to do with me. I’m still keen on Abdul. Yet for someone who can recall fine
detail in so many paintings, I find it absurdly difficult to picture Abdul’s
features. That’s because we’ve seen too little of each other, I remind myself.
All this will change when I’m home, and I’ll also be with Dessi and not feel
this desolate.

‘Do you want me to go to
the airport with you?’ Sacha asks.

‘I guess my dad’ll take
me.’

He nods dejectedly. ‘So,
there’s nothing I can do.’

‘Actually, there is. Are
the others awake yet?’

‘No.’

‘Could you tell them for
me? You know, about having to go back?’

He frowns slightly. ‘You
want me to tell them about your mum?’

I shake my head. ‘Just say
she’s sick.’

‘Okay. I’ll phone you.
Look...we can still be friends…can’t we?’

I know a sudden rush of
affection. My rejection is
so
not his fault. But no wonder he’s insecure. ‘Sure we can,’ I say quickly, and
he rushes over to hug me, and the hug feels good. Warm. Comforting.

Ten minutes later I’m in
the jeep with Laura and we’re heading for Dad’s place. ‘This is a bit sudden,
isn’t it Emma?’ Laura says coolly. ‘What’s going on?’

I don’t want to talk to
Laura about Mum. ‘You know, uni forms to fill in…’ Even to me, this sounds
unconvincing.

‘Well,’ she drawls. ‘You’re
lucky to catch your father still at home. He’s got a lunchtime cruise.’

I find Robert in the
sunroom with papers spread over the table. He looks around as I walk in.
‘What’s up, Em?’

‘I need to talk to you,
Dad.’

Laura pulls up a chair.

‘Um… ah... Dad.’ My gaze
flickers. ‘In private.’ I sit tight, waiting.

He turns to Laura to ask,
‘Would you mind very much, darl?’

Laura’s glance might
display intense curiosity, but she does stand up and leave.

Dad turns to me. ‘So...
What’s up?’

‘Mum just phoned to tell me
she’s been diagnosed with cancer,’ I say abruptly. ‘Breast cancer.’

Robert’s face closes.

I search it for a trace of
concern.

‘Well, that’s a shame,’ he
says at last. ‘You’re quite sure? She always tended to be a bit of a
hypochondriac…’

‘She’s having surgery next
week.’ My voice is flat and my face feels frozen. He stares out at the patio. I
have no idea what is going through his mind. ‘Don’t you care?’ I demand. ‘Don’t
you have any feelings left for her?’

‘Of course,’ he says
slowly, ‘I’m sorry for anyone who has cancer, but it was over a long time ago
between your mother and me. You know that.’

This makes me lose it
completely. How can he be so heartless? This is a woman he once loved and with
whom he had a child. ‘You know what?’ I cry. ‘I think you’re a complete
bastard. I can’t imagine whatever made me think I might stay up here.’ Then, to
my own horror, I feel my eyes fill up.

‘Naturally,’ he continues
in that same detached voice, ‘I’m sorry that your mother is sick. But there’s
nothing I can do about it, is there? Be reasonable, Em.’

Suddenly I realise that
there’s no way he can understand how I feel. Or even begin to understand
anything about me. I stand up and grab my bags. ‘Got to go.’

He frowns slightly. ‘I
can’t leave right now, got to be at the boat in half an hour. Laura will drive
you to the airport.’

I can hardly believe that
his business is more important than his only daughter. ‘You know something,
Dad,’ I cry. ‘I never want to see you again.’

He sighs, gets out of his
chair and moves towards me.

‘The offer’s still open.’
He gestures towards my bedroom area. ‘You’re always welcome here. I want you to
know that.’

But I’m already at the
front door. Laura has already fired the Jeep. As we travel to the airport, she
must sense something’s seriously wrong because she doesn’t try any small talk.
I recover in time to thank her and am rewarded by a smile and a wave.

I don’t look around. In
just over two hours, I’ll be home with Julie.

When I land at Tullamarine,
Mum is waiting, her face as grey as porridge. We fall into each other’s arms.
When she finally draws back, more tears fill my eyes. She says, ‘I’m so glad
you’re back.’

‘Me too, Mum. How…how do
you feel?’           

She tries to laugh. ‘I’ve felt
better in my time. Let’s go home.’ And of course it
is
home. When I step into the living room,
I realise how attached I am to this untidy falling down house and how much I
love my mum.

Myrtle strolls out of the
laundry, dragging Chagall by the scruff of his neck and plonks him at my feet.
Then she gets the other two kittens. I gather them up and prop on the couch for
a cuddle. ‘Hey, guys! Aren’t you pretty?’

Julie sits beside me. ‘I’ve
been letting them sleep in my room while you’ve been gone. I was a bit lonely.’

My heart gives a lurch.
Poor Julie having to face all this on her own. ‘You’ve told Hannah, haven’t
you?’

‘Course I have. She was the
first one…apart from you, of course.’

‘So Dessi would know too.
Wouldn’t she?’

Mum’s face goes blank. ‘I
guess so,’ she says at last. ‘Can’t imagine Hannah not telling her.’

‘I better unpack. How about
a coffee?’

‘I’ll make it,’ she says.

I unpack and there are
gifts for Dessi and Abdul. I feel rotten that I haven’t bought something for
Mum. But I can make up for that when she goes into hospital. I’ll order a huge
bunch of flowers. But first, I’ll talk to Dessi. Right now I need my best
friend more than ever.

Emma is still flying home when Julie
calls Hannah. I open the back door and hoping Abdul is on the other end, hop
down the passage to see who it is. Hannah reaches the phone before me. She
turns to say, ‘They’ve decided to operate on Julie day after tomorrow.’

‘That’s awful,’ I cry.
‘Will she lose her breast?’

‘Depends on how serious it
is.’

I know this sounds dreadful
and I’m really worried for Julie, but all I can ask is ‘When will Emma be
home?’

‘She’ll be here this
afternoon. This certainly isn’t turning into our good year,’ Hannah says
morosely and walks back into the kitchen.

I stare at my watch.
Eleven-fifty. Emma must be halfway
here. What should I do now? I head for the bathroom. By the time I’m
presentable, Dad’s waiting to drive me to the physio.

She isn’t pleased with me.
‘Sure you’re doing your exercises?’

‘Course,’ I say
indignantly. But I haven’t. Since Abdul came into my life, everything’s been
put on hold. Of course I collect the inevitable lecture on how there’s no point
in paying a physiotherapist if I don’t follow her instructions.

I listen with only half an
ear. A broken ankle isn’t cancer. Broken ankles can heal. But everything I’ve
ever heard about the big C terrifies me.

When we return home, Mum
has gone out and the answer machine is blinking. I press the button.

‘Hi Dessi.’ Emma sounds
tired. ‘Ring me when you get in.’

My head swims. I almost
don’t know what to think except that
now
Emma will find out about Abdul. Do I tell her? Or is it
wiser to stay silent?

I settle in my room, close
the door behind me and flop onto my bed. I don’t know what to do. I’m truly
desperate. Then I must doze off because I dream Mum is saying ‘A really close
friendship is like marriage without sex...’ And Dad adding ‘...truth can never
hurt…’

But does it? Can it? Will
it?

When I open my eyes, it’s
as if my life, the universe, has shifted into another gear. Of course I will
have to confess, even though I’m well aware that this means the danger of
losing her forever. But she’s sure to find out anyway. Someone we both know
will see me with Abdul. Better that she hears the truth from me. Of course
she’ll be angry. She has every right to be furious. She may never want to talk
to me again. But if we show how truly sorry we are and how we had no control
over what’s happened, maybe she can forgive us.

Before my courage fails, I
go back into the hall and, using the landline, dial the Simpsons.

Two rings before a very
subdued ‘Hullo?’ answers the phone.

I gulp before saying, ‘Um…
er… how are you feeling?’

Julie takes a while to
consider this. ‘Bit worried.’

‘Will you lose that
breast?’

‘I won’t know how serious
it is till they see how deep the cancer goes.’

‘Shit… Well…’ I don’t what
to say except, ‘Ah, best of luck, we’ll all be thinking of you, praying
everything goes okay.’

‘Thanks,’ says Julie.

There’s brief silence.

I pull myself together.
‘Look…I need to speak with Emma.’

‘She’s in the shower. I’ll
get her to ring you back.’

‘I’ll wait,’ I say firmly.

Julie drops the receiver. I
hear her call out. I hardly remember how to breathe. Someone picks up the
phone. ‘Dessi, thank god it’s you…’

Before she can continue, I
say, ‘Listen Emma, I’m so sorry about Julie, and I know this isn’t the time to
tell you this, but I’ve something important you should know.’ I take a deep
breath. ‘You know how you were wondering if Abdul was seeing someone else?
Well... he is. And that someone is me.’

Silence… a silence that
seems to go on forever. I have this suicidal desire to giggle. Finally, just
when I’m sure Emma is about to hang up, I hear, ‘I thought something was wrong.
I could tell from your voice...’

‘Anyway,’ I bravely
continue. ‘I know you’ll be mad as hell. Just had to tell you so nothing’s
hidden between us.’