Desolate (3 page)

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umb
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It was the only way to describe my current state. Even staring down at my son’s peaceful, motionless body wouldn’t break me out of the trance that I’d put myself in to get through the worst day of my life.

No one should have to bury every single person they ever loved. No one should have to experience this much grief in ten lifetimes, let alone one. I had to find a way to get through this excruciatingly, painful moment, but my brain and my body weren’t in sync with each other. My mind was slowly shutting down due to the shock, and my body was glued to the floor in front of the smallest casket I’d ever seen. No parent should ever have to bury their child. No parent should ever have to see their child frozen at the age of two forever. But that was my life right now. I wanted to say something, anything to help me grieve but the words were stuck in my throat. I felt all of the people standing next to me and heard all of the endless chatter that occurred at funerals, but my gaze was focused on the pale skin of my son. His beautiful brown hair was all over the place just like I requested. He wasn’t the type of child to leave his hair combed, and I didn’t feel like he should be made up into something that he wasn’t. Which was why he was dressed in his favorite pair of jeans and the tractor t-shirt that he loved so much. He’d never worn anything dressier than a pair of khakis, and I wasn’t about to start anything different right now.

For ten minutes, I willed my body to move. I was finally able to lean toward him and grasp his hand within my own and kiss the tip of his nose like I always did when I put him to sleep. I mustered up all of the courage I had to whisper the words that meant so much to me as well as the spunky little boy in front of me.

“Sleep tight, my angel. I love you as wide as the ocean and as tall as the mountains,” I whispered into his ear, my voice trembling the entire time. Only this time I couldn’t finish what I usually said because it would never come true again. I’d never see him in the morning light. This time, I whispered words I thought I’d never have to say.

“I’ll see you again someday. Wait for Mommy at Heaven’s gate.”

As I leaned back, I ruffled his hair one last time and found the courage to step away. With each backward step I took, I felt my heart crumbling piece by piece but I kept the tears at bay. I’d shed them when I was alone.

I turned on my heel and took what felt like a thousand steps to my husband’s casket across the room. For tonight, they were on separate sides due to space, but tomorrow they’d be side by side as we all said our final goodbyes.

Without even thinking, the second I reached him I leaned over and kissed his cheek for the last time and said what would be the second hardest words I’d say in this lifetime.

“You were the man of my dreams. My one and only. Take care of our little boy. I won’t say goodbye. I’ll never say goodbye. It’s gonna be I’ll see you later. I love you.”

I let my lips linger on his cheek a moment longer and pulled back before the dam of tears broke free. I wasn’t as strong as everyone kept saying. I was weaker than ever and all the while that fortune teller’s words lingered in the background. The deaths of my husband and son had proved her right. I was destined to live my life alone and everyone I loved had died. Getting through this with no one was going to be the test of all tests. How I was going to do it, I had no clue. I only knew that I had to take one breath at a time because that was about the only thing I had the strength for.

The time seemed to dredge on for the viewing. I couldn’t recall how many times I’d heard someone tell me how sorry they were for my loss or it would get better soon. Neither of those seemed possible as I stood here and greeted guest after guest, standing beside Andrew’s parents and brothers, the kind words barely registering. I was the only one here for me, and right now I didn’t want anything but to be able to go home and go to sleep. I was tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but somehow I plastered a sympathetic smile on my face and pushed through until the last guest left for the night.

Instead of saying goodbye one last time, I turned and left the building. I wouldn’t be strong enough to see them again and not long to be there right beside them. I squared my shoulders and made myself continue walking until I got to my car. Tomorrow would be the day that I would become officially dead on the inside. I didn’t know what I’d do with my life after they were put into the ground, but there was one thing I knew for sure. I didn’t know how much longer I could live where they weren’t.

“Magdalena, wait,” I heard one of his brother’s shout from across the parking lot.

Part of me wanted to pretend I didn’t hear him and get into my car, but I had to face him. He’d follow me home otherwise. When I turned around, I squinted my eyes to see which brother was heading toward me. Through the darkness, I could barely make out who it was, the light from the street lamps barely illuminating the darkened parking lot.

When he was a few feet away, I could see his features. Max. We were closer than Andrew’s other two brothers, Wayne and Collin. Max had this way about him, much like Andrew, that commanded attention. While Max was the funny, outgoing of the two, Andrew was the take charge, confident one.

He caught up with me and bent over to catch his breath. When he wasn’t winded anymore, he stood up straight and looked up at me. Silently, I begged for him to hurry up. I didn’t want their sympathy right now. I just wanted to be alone to wallow in my grief.

“Are you sure you’re okay to go home by yourself? I know seeing them today for the last time was hard on you,” he asked, his voice full of concern.

“I’m okay, Max. I’d actually prefer to be alone. Being around people right now is just too hard. No one seems to know how to act around me, and I can’t take the awkward silences anymore. I need to be by myself right now,” I stated, purposefully reiterating my need to be alone.

“I don’t like this one bit. We should be pulling strength from each other. Not going off in our own corners to grieve alone.” He was probably right. Being alone wasn’t the smartest thing to do right now, but I couldn’t think of another way to not feel suffocated by peoples attempts at making me feel better.

“I know, Max, but I just can’t right now. It’s too hard. I need to go. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I couldn’t allow him to keep me here another moment because he’d keep trying to convince me until I relented.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then. If you need anyone in the middle of the night, please don’t hesitate to call one of us. We’re not that far away,” he stated as he patted my shoulder before walking away.

Before he could change his mind and turn around, I removed the key fob from my pocket and unlocked the door to my vehicle, quickly getting inside once the security alarm had been disabled. I loved Andrew’s family, but I just couldn’t handle their need to console on top of my grief right now.

As I pulled into the driveway, my home didn’t feel like much of a home at all anymore. There wasn’t anyone to make it a home. Only me. The way she warned me it would be. Only I hadn’t listened, and two people who deserved to have a life were now gone. I couldn’t sleep in my bed because Andrew’s smell still lingered there. I couldn’t walk around one corner or the next because I’d see Liam’s toys or Andrew’s briefcase, and I’d break down all over again. However, I couldn’t make myself leave and stay somewhere else. Feeling alone and broken was the least of what I deserved. This was my penance for trying to be happy. The universe allowed me a glimpse of the happiness I could have, but took it away the moment I felt comfortable enough. I should’ve known better.

Filled with grief, I got out of the car and walked toward the backyard. The chill of the air caused goosebumps to rise on my skin, but I ignored it. I hardly recognized the chill. The only reason I felt it was because of the breeze that blew by as I walked around the side of the house. I couldn’t make myself go in just yet. I had to work up the nerve. Liam’s toys cluttered the yard from the family fun day that we had on our lazy Sunday, and the brief memory of what had occurred that day threatened to choke me. As I sat down on the stairs of the deck, I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. Even though no one was around, I couldn’t allow myself to cry another tear. If I let one fall, I’d never stop. Their deaths would consume me wholeheartedly, and I feared that I’d never recover.

Leaning back, I looked up at the night sky and let out the scream that I’d been holding in all day. It felt good to let out all of the emotions that I’d pent up inside.

“Why God? Why them? Why not me?” I screamed up to the sky. I didn’t care how I looked or if anyone heard me. I had to let this out in order to get through tomorrow. No one was here to hold me up or prevent me from falling to the ground at the cemetery. There was only me.

The echo of my screams mocked me as I continued to stare up at the bright stars above. I received no answers to my questions, which caused my anger to increase. I blamed myself, that much was obvious. But the secret truth was, I blamed God more. He took them from me. They were my only family. The only reason I hadn’t ended things long ago. Now my reason for living had vanished. Being with them again was the only thing that I could think about. There was no life without Andrew and Liam. Without them, I was just a shell of a person.

Anger.

It coursed through me, but I didn’t know how to let it out. As I walked back inside, it festered and then bubbled quickly to the surface. Quicker than I had time to process the amount of emotion that was within me.

I opened and walked through the sliding glass door off of the back of the porch. Stalking over to the counter, I grabbed the bottle that I’d been staring at off and on for the past few days.

Bourbon.

I wasn’t a fan, but Andrew had a glass every now and then. It was the only liquor in the house and the amber liquid had taunted me ever since my world came crumbling down. I opened the bottle and brought it up to my nose, taking a deep breath in and letting the smell assault my senses. The smell was rich, yet burned the inside of my nose. Without thinking too much, I brought the bottle to my lips and tilted my head back, allowing the liquid to run down the back of my throat. The burn from the aftereffects was welcomed because it allowed me to feel something other than the gut-wrenching pain.

Just the thought of everything that I’d endured made the anger grow, bigger than any other emotion I’d ever felt. The bottle in my hands was now the enemy, and I wanted to seek vengeance. Without another thought, I drew the bottle back in my arms and tossed it as hard as I could across the room. The sounds of the breaking glass echoed off of the walls as each shard hit the tile floor.

Nothing else mattered right now. Only the fact that I’d never be whole again. I had no energy left. Nothing left to fight for.

My knees gave out on me, and I hit the ground in a crumbled heap. The tears now ran freely down my cheeks as I allowed the anger, sadness, and every other emotion escape me. I grabbed my hair in both hands and pulled, the frustration almost too much to bear.

“Are you fucking happy now? It wasn’t enough that everyone else was gone, you just had to take them, too? What the ever loving hell did I ever do to deserve this? They were all I had left, and now I have nothing,” I screamed into the night, yanking harder on the strands of hair between my fingers.

I’d concluded that I was officially hated by God and any other being out there. No one would allow someone to go through this much pain in their lifetime.  They say God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but how in the hell was I supposed to handle all of this death. This despair.  The pain that ripped through me day in and day out. I shouldn’t have to endure all of this at my age, let alone ever.

T
he rain hitting
the roof of the house mimicked the way I felt. I hadn’t slept but two hours’ tops and after I’d woken, I sat down in the window seat with a blanket and stared out the window. The rain had begun a couple of hours ago and the dreariness was perfect for what this day signified.

Today was the day that we would say goodbye and celebrate the life of Andrew and Liam. Only I didn’t feel like celebrating at all. I could only focus on the fact that I shouldn’t have to do this. I was supposed to be living my life with them, hearing my son’s laughter as his father chased him down the hallway right about now. Not putting them into the ground.

I rested my head against the cold glass and contemplated never leaving this spot. Throughout the night, I had decided that living here would be too hard. I needed to go somewhere where no one knew me. Where I could live out my days alone and miserable. There was no happiness after their losses. I didn’t even want to try. I wanted to continue drowning in my grief so I’d never forget one detail about them. The moment I tried to move on would be the moment that they started to slip away, and they didn’t deserve that. They deserved to be remembered, and that’s what I’d set out to do. I was contacting the groundskeeper for my grandparents’ ranch after I got through the funeral. They’d left it to my parents’ when they passed away and my parents’ left it to me. It wasn’t but a forty-five-minute drive from here, but it was in the middle of nowhere. Near the top of the mountains where I wouldn’t have to worry about prying eyes. I could die alone. The way I was meant to.

Reluctantly, I got up and went to get dressed. I slipped into the black dress that I planned on burning after today and grabbed my black flats from the bottom of my closet. The entire time I kept my head forward, refusing to look to my right. I couldn’t handle seeing any of his clothes. Not today. Not ever again. Someone else would have to get rid of them for me because there was no way I’d get through it.

I finished fixing my hair and walked into the kitchen, stopping at the counter where the bottle of pills sat. It would be so easy to take one of those little white pills that would make me a zombie for the rest of the day. It was too tempting, but I refused to not feel any of the emotions that today would evoke. I deserved every ounce of this pain, and I wasn’t going to take anything that would suppress it or make getting through the day easier.

The twenty-minute drive to the cemetery passed too quickly. I sat in front of the final resting place of my husband and son and looked around, but I couldn’t get myself to get out of the car. The panic attack came out of nowhere and my chest felt like it was going to explode, my heartbeat hammered inside my chest and the world around me became fuzzy. I started to gasp for air as my chest grew tighter from the reality of what was about to occur.

I felt the air from the door opening, but I didn’t have the strength to turn my head. My head got fuzzier and fuzzier as the air left my body in quick bursts. Passing out would come next, and I welcomed it. Then I wouldn’t have to take part in today. I should’ve taken the pills, but then I couldn’t drive. Which meant I couldn’t make my escape.

I had numerous missed calls the past couple of days from Andrew’s brothers’ and parents’, but I refused to answer them. I let them plan it all. The only thing I requested was a simple grave side service for family only. I couldn’t handle being around all of those people two days in a row.

“Mags,” one of his brothers’ stated as he tried to break me out of the panic attack.

When I didn’t respond, he turned me toward him and grabbed my face, making me focus on his face.

“I know you can hear me, Mags. I need you to breath for me. Slow deep breaths or you’re going to pass out. Come on. You can do it. In through your nose and out through your mouth,” he coached.

I tried, but it wasn’t helping. The panic getting higher and higher the more I thought about having to get out of this car and see their graves.

“You’re getting there. Keep breathing just like that,” he continued as he rubbed his fingers against my cheeks.

It was getting easier, but I didn’t want it to. That meant I’d have to face it all. I didn’t want to. I wanted to crawl in the hole right along with them.

“There you go, Mags. I knew you could do it,” he smiled.

Finally, I was able to take in who was in front of me. I knew it was one of his brothers’ because it would only be them, his parents’, grandparents and a couple of aunts and uncles here today. No one else would chance coming over except for him.

Max.

He was the jokester of the family. Always making sure everyone was happy. But ever since this tragedy had occurred, Max had been the rock we all needed while everyone else tried their best not to break down.

After I finally felt strong enough to talk without the dam breaking free, I spoke.

“Thank you for getting me out of that. I can’t take walking over there. I don’t know how I’m going to make it,” I confessed. I wanted to do this on my own. Yesterday, I’d convinced myself that I could, but it’d been a lie. There’s no way I was strong enough to make it through this. My only saving grace was that I didn’t have to see them laying in the caskets again. Another reason why I only wanted the graveside service.

“We’ll do it together, okay? I need help getting through this day, too,” he said softly as he stared at the ground.

I shook my head, motioning that I was ready to get out of the car. He held the umbrella over us both as we walked toward the tent where the service would be held. Or as ready as I ever would be. No one is ever ready to say goodbye. I’d always wish for one more second with them, but if it was granted, I’d want more. There’d never come a time that I wouldn’t long for the simple moments with them again.

Max held my hand the entire time as we walked over to the chairs in front of the caskets, and he continued to hold my hand throughout the short ceremony. I’d heard the pastor’s voice and the soft cries coming from his mother, but the words never registered. The only object I could focus on were the caskets before me. The final resting places for the two people who were my world.

When the ceremony concluded, I grabbed my phone from my pocket, needing to do one last thing before I said goodbye. I could feel Max’s stare boring into me as I frantically searched for what I was looking for. When I finally found the clip, I hit play and let myself feel the words of the music. Let myself remember how this beautiful, gut-wrenching song had brought us together. I couldn’t allow myself to remember that moment right now, but I could remember how I felt the moment that this amazing man was brought into my life. As I listened to my voice sing the lyrics to
Hallelujah
by Leonard Cohen, the reality of my situation hit me again full force. The song that brought us together and held such meaning would now also hold the memory of me saying goodbye to the two people who were my world.

I hit stop when the song came to an end and managed to stand before anyone else and took a rose for each of them from one of the flower arrangements. I dropped the blood red flowers on top of each casket and put one hand on each one. Leaning down, I kissed the top of Andrew’s first, my lips lingering a little longer than they should have. “Until we meet again.” I knew I should walk away, but I couldn’t let them go. How did I let them go? I pressed my lips on Liam’s casket longer than necessary because I was never supposed to bury my baby. He was supposed to be the one burying me.

“I’m so sorry, my sweet little boy,” I choked out between the sobs that escaped. I’d tried and failed to stay strong until I was in the confines of my home. A place where the sadness and the darkness threatened to swallow me whole.

I felt Max’s hand touch my back and his other grab my arm, but I didn’t want the comfort. I wanted away from here. Away from the finality of my bleak situation.

“No, Max. I need to get away from here,” I yelled firmer than I intended. Why couldn’t everyone understand that I didn’t want their help? That I just needed to be left alone. Just the way I deserved.

The world was slowly closing in around me. I had to get out of here. I couldn’t take the amount of grief that I felt. It surrounded me everywhere I went, but it felt worse by being here. Ignoring the calls for me to stop and the pouring rain, I rushed to the car before anyone could stop me. Getting out of here the only mission that was on my mind.

As I reached the car, his hand grabbed my arm again, stopping me before I could get the door open. Only I couldn’t turn around and face whoever it was. I just wanted to escape. Be alone.

“You don’t have to do this by yourself, Mags,” Max whispered as he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in for a hug, the rain now drenching us both.

“Please don’t call me that.” It hadn’t registered before because regaining my breath was more important, but now that I could focus on his words, I cringed when I heard that name. The nickname that my husband had given me all those years ago.

“I’m sorry. It’s habit. Let one of us come home with you. You don’t need to be alone right now.”

“I can’t let you do that. I have to face this on my own. This is my cross to bear and I need to do it alone,” I responded with an emptiness to my tone.

“Every part of me tells me to not let you do that, but I have to honor your wishes. Please just call us and let us know how you’re doing. You’re always going to be our family. Them not being here doesn’t change that,” he promised.

Only I knew the truth. Andrew and Liam not being here did change that. I had no family. I was all alone in this big, dark world. Just the way I was meant to always be….

Empty.

Hollow.

Desolate.