Deception (27 page)

“This isn’t just about sex for me. I really care about you, Roxi. The sex is fucking incredible, though,” I wink back. “I can do fun and light, however I can’t share. I understand you need to find yourself, but please don’t do it with other guys, it’ll make me crazy. Can we date exclusively?”

She flinches and at first, I think it’s because she wants to see other people as well as me, but then she scrunches her nose and asks, “Who’s Jenni?”

My therapist? Why does she want to know about my therapist? Especially right this second?

The confusion must be clear on my face because she clarifies, “When I overheard you and Jake talking, he asked if you were still seeing Jenni. Are you seriously telling me you love me and asking me to be exclusive, when you are seeing other people?”

Her eyes narrow and I know it makes me an asshole, but I totally dig that she’s jealous. She must like me more than she’s willing to admit, and it gives me hope that everything in the future will work out fine.

“Jenni’s my therapist.” I laugh, as she staggers trying to come up with a reply, her mouth opening and closing but no words coming out. “And yes, I’m serious about asking you to be exclusive. However, I rather like the way you worded it too, I want us to see a lot more of each other.” I grin and she playfully shoves my shoulder.

“I’m not interested in anyone except you, Luke.”

I breathe a sigh of relief, as she nestles against me. When she looks back at her show, the love scene from earlier has turned into a full blown sex scene and she can’t sit still. I look down and see that familiar flush on her face and smile even wider. I’m going to see a whole lot more of her, starting right now.

Flipping her over onto her back, I lean in and whisper in her ear, “I warned you about wriggling that sexy ass of yours all over my couch,” and then I help her get comfortable. This is the best episode of Palm Valley, ever.

*****

W
alking away from Roxi’s new apartment is like torture. I fucking hate leaving both of them there, to sleep on mattresses on the floor. They don’t even have a proper bed for Christ’s sakes. If she would have let me, I would have filled the whole place with everything she needed, not just second-hand things to get by. I understand why she wants to do it all on her own though. I don’t like it, but I’m proud of her.

It’s not easy to overcome abuse, I know, I’m still suffering the effects over ten years later. I’m certainly going to check on her often. She seems to be coping remarkably well, but that’s the problem, she’s dealing with everything almost too well. I’m afraid she’ll crack while living on her own, and that I won’t be there to help her through. I wish she’d look through the brochures about counselling services, the hospital and the police officers gave her.

I’m also concerned about how Ricky’s coping. I’ll have to keep an eye on him as well. I know young kids have a tendency to hide what they’re really feeling from their parents. They worry about upsetting or disappointing them and try to hide it. When I went through it, I refused to let anyone see what was really on my mind. I didn’t want to be seen as weak. I already thought I was a failure. I couldn’t handle everyone else thinking that too. I’m especially worried about them since Joseph’s trial is tomorrow.

Roxi and Ricky were going to bed as I left. I was so tempted to beg her to let me spend the night, but I knew it was something she needed to do on her own, something special to her.

It’s going to suck to go home to an empty house. Jake moves out in a week and then I really will be living by myself.

When I walk through the door, I’m shocked to find Jake sitting on the couch, and drunk out of his fucking mind.

“Luke, buddy! Come drink with me. Oh, that's right you don’t drink anymore,” he slurs. “Never mind, I’ll have another one for both of us.”

As he stands up and stumbles on his feet, I notice roughly ten beer bottles already in front of him. “Whoa, easy there pal.” I reach out to steady him and slowly lower him back down in the seat. “What’s going on? Aren’t you meant to be at work?” I sit down on the coffee table across from him as I wonder what he’s even doing here.

“The Grouch sent me home.” He downs the rest of his beer in one go and burps loudly. I can smell alcohol from here, he reeks of it.

I take in the way he slouches and his I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. It’s not Jake, nothing ever gets to him. I’m truly baffled. “Why the hell would he do that?”

He sways as he leans forward to put the empty bottle on the table and I take it out of his hands. “Probably ’cause I called the victim a stupid whore,” he laughs; the sound bitter and foreign to my ears.

Jake isn’t always respectful towards women, but he never calls them nasty names. Why on earth would he feel the need to... as my thoughts race ahead, realisation dawns on me. The picture from Sarah’s phone, that day so long ago, flashes through my mind, the couple embracing. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe she’s seeing other people and Jake found out. Hopefully, I’m just jumping to conclusions though.

“What happened?” I ask, with a sinking feeling in my gut. I was so self-involved with everything going on in my own life, that I haven’t been there for my friend like I should have. I should’ve paid closer attention to the woman who was managing to wrap him around her little finger so fast. I should’ve known something was going on, especially after that phone call and Jake talking about love so soon. She must have given some pretty damn amazing head to get to him so badly.

“Car crash, we had to use the jaws-of-life to get them out.”

My leg bounces nervously waiting to find out who
them
is.

“It was Sarah and some guy.” He punches the pillow beside him in a sudden rage. “God, I’m such a fucking idiot. She made me look like a damn fool. All the guys in the crew knew it was my girl in that car.”

“Maybe it was her brother?” I suggest hopefully.

He snorts before informing me, “Nope, the dude had his dick out of his pants. I laughed my ass off until I realised who was with him. You don’t drive with ya junk out unless it’s getting some action. Definitely wasn’t her brother.” He falls back on the couch throwing his arm over his eyes.

I didn’t even realise how deep he was into her. “Shit, I’m sorry man.”

“It was her husband.”

My eyes go wide. “What?”
Maybe I heard him incorrectly.

“Yep and that’s not even the worst part.”

It gets worse?

“She’s pregnant. She told the paramedics on the scene that her husband and her are expecting a baby in six months.”

My jaw drops to the floor as I quickly do the math in my head. “So it’s definitely not yours?”

He laughs again, with absolutely no humour, and sits back up to look at me. “Nope, and get this, when I asked her how she knew it wasn’t mine, her husband wasn’t even surprised that she’d been sleeping with me. He didn’t even care. How weird is that? They must have some type of fucked up open relationship. I’m into some kinky shit, but fucking pregnant, married women isn’t one of them.”

I can’t do anything but gape at him, I have nothing to offer, nothing to say that will help make him feel better. He bought a bloody house for her for crying out loud. All I can think of is, “I’ll get you another beer.”

As I walk to the fridge, he yells after me, “Better make it a six pack.”

He talked to the Chief for me and now I’ll do the same for him. After all that bitch has done to him, I’m not going to let her be the cause of Jake losing his job as well.

*****

“H
ey buddy, how was school?” I ask Ricky, as he walks out of the school gates and towards me.

Roxi is in court for Joseph’s trial. I wanted to be by her side, but Rachel is with her and she thought it would be good for Ricky to spend the time with me. She told him what was going on today, and why I was picking him up. She thinks if he gets upset, I’m the best person for him to be around, because I can relate to what he’s going through. As much as I wanted to be her support person today, I feel honoured that she would trust me so fully with Ricky.

“It was okay,” he answers, dropping his school bag into the car. His voice is flat and his eyes downcast.

I drop down to his level and give him a hug. “Remember what I told you in the hospital buddy? Never be afraid to express how you’re feeling. It’s okay to be sad, scared, worried or even angry, but it’s important to tell someone what’s going on in here,” I tap his head gently, mimicking my action from the last time I told him this, “So we can help make you feel better. We’ll never be disappointed in you, you’re feelings are never wrong. You have every right to be upset today, don’t bottle it up.”

On the drive home, Ricky remains extremely quiet, he isn’t his usual self and I don’t blame him. I’m beginning to think this wasn’t such a good idea after all. I can relate to him, but it doesn’t mean I know the right thing to say. Years later, I’m still trying to sort my own shit out. I guess that’s the whole point though, I kept everything trapped inside over the years, and I’m still suffering. Up until recently, I felt like I was drowning in a pool of my own misery. If I can share my story, maybe Ricky will realise he's not alone. Hopefully, it will get him to open up and he can avoid all the years of turmoil that I went through.

“You know my father was a bad man too.” I glance sideways, out of the corner of my eye to gauge his reaction. He's sitting up a little straighter in his seat and listening intently, so I go on. “For years I thought it was my fault, that I was doing the wrong thing and deserved to be punished. I thought every kid went through what I did, I never knew any different. That’s why it’s so important to speak up.”

He turns to face me, as we pull into the driveway and I shut off the engine, waiting to hear what he’s got to say before we hop out of the car.

“So it wasn’t your fault? You didn’t deserve to be punished?” I realise what he’s really asking - so it wasn't my fault? I didn't deserve to be punished?

I answer him as truthfully as I can. When I was younger, I wish people were honest with me, instead of trying to keep me sheltered. If I had a better understanding of why things happened, I wouldn’t have placed so much blame on myself. “No one ever deserves to be punished the way I was. It’s never okay to hurt another person or to call them nasty names.” It kills me that he still looks sceptical, that he believes the way he was treated was warranted.

“Even if you do something naughty, like yelling too loudly inside the house?” he questions.

I shake my head. “Especially not then, you’re a kid, and kids are meant to make lots of noise, have loads of fun and make plenty of mistakes, it’s what being young’s all about. You should never get into trouble for that.”

He looks down at his hands contemplating what I’ve just said. “Daddy always got really angry if I made a mistake,” his voice is low and sad.

I close my eyes a moment and clench my jaw, then try to relax so that Ricky doesn’t see the anger coursing through me towards his shit head of a father. I swallow the fury down and breathe deeply. “Accidents happen, Ricky, even to adults. How do we learn if we don’t make mistakes?”

He grins at me and starts to laugh and I wonder what’s so funny. “Yeah I guess they do. Like when you wet the bed and I taught you not to drink so late at night, so you could learn. It’s okay, it wasn't your fault, you didn’t mean to.”

I burst out laughing right along with him. In the end, the way I connected with him was because he still thinks I pissed in my sleep, when really it was my jizz all over the sheets. Maybe we’ll have a conversation about what wet dreams are when he’s older. I stop laughing. The thought that I might not be a part of Ricky’s future brings an unexpected ache. I love him as much as I love his mum. In the past, I couldn’t even see myself as part of a family and now I don’t know what I’d do without them. My chest grows tight and I need to lighten the mood, to distract us both.

“How about we go wake up Jake and put those Nerf guns we bought to good use?” I ask.

Ricky’s eyes light up. “Jake won’t be mad if we wake him up?”

I grin, “Hell no, he’ll be mad if we don’t.”

Ricky gasps and I chuckle, realising my mishap. “Sorry I said a bad word, didn’t I? How about heck, is that better?”

He shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “It’s okay, I won’t tell, we’re bros, we gotta stick together.”

I laugh. I’ve never heard someone so young say that before. “Where did you learn that saying?”

“My friend Lachlan says it with his dad. I always wanted a bro and I like you. Can we be bros?”

Ricky melts my heart, turns me into a big softie and I love it. “I can’t think of a better bro than you,” I reply. I’m starting to tear up a little and I hold up my hand to give him a fist bump, ’cause bros don’t cry. “Now let’s go have an epic Nerf war!”

We race inside and claim our guns, waking up Jake with twenty or so foam bullets to the head. He opens his eyes and sees them all around his face, laughing like I knew he would. “Oh, it’s war! Game on!” he declares.

We all run through the house shooting each other and diving behind the couches and other furniture. Ricky freezes, looking stricken when he accidentally knocks over a ceramic figurine, smashing it to pieces.

“Relax Ricky,” I reassure him, “It’s not a proper Nerf battle unless you break something.” He squeals in excitement, as I pelt bullets at the matching figurine, knocking it over as well.

As I teach him he’s not to blame for accidents he previously would’ve gotten into trouble for, the message sinks in for me as well. People make mistakes, you learn from them, but you shouldn’t have to pay for them in horrific ways for the rest of your life.

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”  - Emily Brontë

Roxi

I
walk down the steps from the courthouse in a trance. It was so strange being in the same room with Joseph again after all that’s happened. I used to know him so intimately, but today even though he was so close, he felt worlds away.

He wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence, as he admitted to what he’d done. Didn’t look at me once. His guilty plea was so clinical, as though he didn’t even care. He wasn’t spiteful or remorseful, just stating the facts. It was bizarre. It’s as if I don’t even know him anymore. Maybe I never really did. All that matters now though, is that I’ll never have to know him again.