December Heat (9 page)

“It
will be like that for a while,” he cautioned. “You learn to roll with the punches. You said it yourself. Some days are better than others.”

“I...I
suppose so.” She sniffed. “It’s not like I want to forget Mark, just put him to rest.”

“It
will happen, Nic. It just takes time.”

“You
sound like you’ve been there, done that.”

“Yeah.
In my line of work, more often than I care to remember.”

His
other arm reached over and his fingers brushed away the tears that formed tiny droplets beneath her lashes. She leaned into him, firing up his protective streak, and his arm tightened around her. Above the earthiness of the bush he smelled the sweetness of her perfume, and the warm scent of woman. It blended with nature’s spicy potpourri, mingled with the warmth of the day.

“I
get so cranky with myself for being like this. Angry with Mark for dying and leaving me. Angry with myself. It just happens, I know. Mark’s gone, he’s never coming back, and behaving like this isn’t going to resolve anything.”

He
held her a little bit tighter.

“I
don’t know what brought it on. It came out of nowhere. There are things I have to sort through....” She looked up at him. “I feel a kind of relief over Mark’s death. There’s a certain amount of guilt in there too, yet I miss him like crazy. It just overwhelms me. I don’t know how I should feel.”

“It’s
all part of grieving. There’s nothing unusual about feeling this way over the death of a loved one. It’s a common enough emotion, not necessarily triggered by any particular thing.”

He
felt the tremble through her body as she tried to hold back her tears. His own heart went out to her. Nic’s words had echoed some of his own emotions over Mark’s death. Jake also carried the added burden that he found it hard to resist the thought that Nic was free...if he wanted to pursue her.... The feel of her in his arms, the memory of the taste of her...if Nic gave the word, he wouldn’t be able to hold back.

“Maybe
my being here, turning up out of the blue has something to do with it.”

A
sigh escaped her, as if she were fed up with herself and her emotions. “I don’t know, Jake. There were times I felt this way before you arrived. Maybe your presence reinforces it. Maybe not.”

She
sat upright and eased away from him. Jake loosened his grasp and fumbled with the water bottles, handing one to her. He felt a strong sense of loss with the coolness that settled where warm body had been.

The
tears had all but gone and an inner strength he’d begun to recognize and admire, crept over her face. She took a deep breath. But it was still a little shaky and he knew she fought hard to maintain her resolve.

“I
needed to get away, needed the workout. I felt the walls closing in, that’s why I took off. Did you really come looking for me?” She helped herself to the water and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand before giving the bottle back to him.

“I
wondered where you were,” he said softly. “At first I thought you might have been upset...about this morning. Then when you didn’t come back, I thought something had happened to you. I don’t care for you going out alone like that. Next time, I’ll come with you.”

“Jake.
This is what I do when you’re not here if I need to escape, have a quiet think. I’m on my own, but I have to keep living. I can’t closet myself away from everything I like to do. Even when Mark was alive, he didn’t always come with me on my walks.”

Jake’s
stomach twisted in knots. He couldn’t handle the thought that she put herself in danger like this. That Mark had let her. “He should have taken better care of you,” he said gruffly. “Mark never did know how to look after a woman.”

There
was a moment’s silence and she looked as if she were about to say something. He hoped she wouldn’t ask him questions about Mark he’d rather not answer. “If you were my woman, I’d take better care of you.”

“Oh?”
A perfectly shaped eyebrow arched in invitation for him to tell her more.

She
dampened her lips and he wondered if she realized she’d done that, let alone what it did to a man. He wanted to kiss her so badly, he could almost taste her. No more than a subtle inclining of his head would make it happen. Involuntarily his face lowered to hers. Any moment and their lips would touch.

“And
how would you propose to do that? Or shouldn’t I ask?”

What
was she talking about? Then he remembered his boast.

The
question was out now and, trying to make light of his reckless statement, he said the first thing that came into his head. “Well, let’s see,” he drawled lazily. “I would keep you in bed, keep you pregnant, tie you to the bed if I had to.” He waggled his brows at her. “How about it, Nic?”

He’d
expected her to laugh at his preposterous statement. Instead, she thumped him on the arm. “God, Jake, you belong in the dark ages. You haven’t changed a bit. Get a life.”

She
made to move away, but he pulled her back, his large hands gripping her upper arms. “That’s only what I want you to think. At least I got a reaction out of you. That’s all I wanted. To see your old spark back again.”

“My
old spark? Next time you might get more old spark than you bargained for.”

With
that she pushed him away and stormed off into the bush.

“I’m
going home,” she called over her shoulder. “Since you found me so easily, you can find your own way back.”

Jake
laughed. Nic had plenty of fire left in her yet. And he told himself that was all he cared about. That she had enough inner strength and fire to keep her going. Tempted as he was to sample more of her spark, he wasn’t going to let himself be burned by her.

* * *

Nic watched Jake leisurely swim the length of the pool. Each stroke powered through the sparkling water, his strong, broad shoulders and tanned skin glistening in the sunshine. He drew up beside her, his breathing barely noticeable.

More
and more, she was aware of the strength of his presence when he stood beside her. Her heart volunteered her body to press closer to him, but her mind cautioned against such a reckless move. Finding it difficult to ignore the beads of water sliding down his broad chest, Nic closed her eyes and took a deep breath to still the beating of her heart.

“Thanks...thanks
for coming after me,” she said begrudgingly. She stood surveying the view across the river. “I should have been more appreciative that you cared enough to come looking for me.”

“No
problem. I’d do the same for anyone.”

That
took the wind from her sails. Even though she hadn’t let on at the time, that Jake had made the effort and cared enough to search for her because he was worried, touched her deeply. She could get used to his kind and thoughtful ways. His protective presence.

But
she mustn’t let herself. She had to make it on her own, carve out a future for herself. She couldn’t rely on Jake. He wouldn’t be around for long. Now wasn’t the best time for complications in her life, not while there were issues borne from Mark’s death to be worked out. Nic didn’t want to think about those things, but with Jake sharing her house, it was becoming more difficult not to.

She’d almost
told him, in minute detail, there in the bush, about what her life was like with Mark, about his death. About how the other fear, of returning to public life had overwhelmed her too. Not to mention her confused emotions over Jake’s potent presence. He was wrong for her. She just had to keep telling herself that. If she could just banish him from her thoughts, then she’d have better control of her emotions. She wouldn’t feel anything for him. It was as easy as that. But if the theory was so simple, why couldn’t she extricate Jake’s constant presence from her thoughts?

She
studied his taut features. “I know you’ve been through some tough times yourself.”

“You
don’t want to know.” He pushed back his wet hair and scrubbed a hand over his face.

“I
think I have a pretty good idea. Mark told me things. Even if they were edited versions.”

“Relating
a story without sound effects, smells and their place in the broader picture can give quite a different impression.”

“I
suppose there’s nothing like being on the spot to lend a touch of reality.”

“There
are some things that will be etched in my memory forever.” A strained expression crossed his face for a moment.

“Do
you want to talk about them?”

He
shook his head. “No. There’s nothing to be gained from that. I just want to forget.”

“It’s
not always easy moving on, is it?”

“No,”
he said vaguely, as if his mind roamed elsewhere.

Nic
had the distinct impression that there was a lot in Jake’s recent past that burdened him in the present. “Do you have dreams, Jake? I mean, the kind where you think about what you’d like to do with your life if given half a chance?”

Nic
looked up at him.

“Sure.
Doesn’t everybody?”

“But
you’re not everybody. Would you put your life on hold as you know it now, and do something else? Is there something that you want to do as much as the work you do now?”

He
was silent for a moment before answering. “Yes. I haven’t thought about it in a while.”

“So
what’s your dream?”

“If
I tell you that, you’ll think I’ve been out here in the sticks too long, and the heat of the December sun has pickled my brain.”

“Come
on, tell me,” she urged, resting a hand on his forearm, enjoying the feel of his warmth beneath her fingers.

“I’ve
never told anyone. The more I think about it though, the more it appeals to me. Promise you won’t laugh?”

“I
promise I won’t laugh. Come on, Jake, it can’t be that bad.”

He
took a deep breath. “I’d like to sail around the world.” He looked down at her and grinned at the stunned expression on her face. “That’s not what you expected, is it?”

“No,
it isn’t. And I’m not laughing.” Whatever she’d been prepared for Jake to say, it certainly wasn’t that.

“You
know, the more I think about it, the more feasible it seems. If I could get some backing, make some documentaries, it just might work.”

“Don’t
you ever get tired of being on the move? Not having a place to call home?”

“Not
very often.”

A
hint of wistfulness flickered in his eyes, and then it was gone. Nicolette wondered whether deep down, Jake did entertain the thought of a different lifestyle from time to time. However, she decided not to push it.

“I’m
tired of seeing so much destruction, people dying, being forced out of their homes to fend for themselves in frozen wilderness, the look of total despair on their faces.”

“You
must find it very quiet here, so far away from your usual way of life.”

“Yeah,
a bit. I’d forgotten how healing peace and quiet can be. And the company helps.”

The
tender warmth in his eyes almost stole her breath.

“Why
are you going back?” She forced herself to breathe.

He
scrubbed a hand over his face. “Life goes on. Besides, it’s what I do. It’s me.”

She
nodded. “We deal with circumstances the best way we can.”

“Is
that how you do it?”

“Yes,”
she said in a slightly uneven voice. “Moment by moment if I have to, just to get through a day.”

“You’re
special, Nic.”

She
shrugged.

He
reached for her. “Come here.” He opened his arms invitingly. “I need a hug.” She stepped into his embrace and he closed his arms about her, like the folds of a cape, and hugged her tight.

Nic
closed her eyes. It felt so good to be held again, even if her feelings were confused when it came to Jake. She knew what she wanted and what she didn’t want, but with their semi-naked bodies pressed against each other, the water gently lapping at them, her ideals seemed to clash with the intimacy of her senses.

“Tell
me, Nic....” His voice was gentle. “What did Mark do with himself?”

Nic
chilled. Her heart stumbled. “Wh...what do you mean?” She didn’t want Jake to know the circumstances of Mark’s death. Not yet. She’d tell him in her own good time...maybe. She told herself it was because he’d had enough of a shock, and Nic merely suspected Mark had taken his own life. If she related the circumstances to Jake, would he believe Mark’s death was suicide, that she was to blame, that she hadn’t done all she could to prevent him from taking such drastic action? As if Mark hadn’t put her through enough. She didn’t want to subject herself to more unnecessary anguish.