Danny Baker Record Breaker (5): The World's Itchiest Pants (14 page)

‘Yes!’ they cried. ‘Argggghhhhhhh! Get them out! Get them out!’

Danny turned to Matthew. ‘My record attempt finished as soon as it started,’ he said. ‘But I don’t care! The Bonzer Boys have won the war!’

Bush Tucker scooped up a handful of the tiny creatures scurrying across the floor.

Sally waved her floppy spear at Danny once again. ‘Get these ants out of our pants!’

He shrugged. ‘It’s your own fault,’ he reminded her. ‘You pinched all the food.’

Bunny laughed. ‘Fair dinkum, girls,’ she said. ‘You’re getting your comeuppance.’

Danny grabbed the tablecloth and dropped it on the floor. ‘The ants are after the food,’ he said to the girls. ‘Chuck it all on to there.’

They did as Danny asked, and immediately long lines of ants began to stream down legs, heading straight for their supper. Danny folded over the four corners of the tablecloth, and slung it over
his shoulder.

‘Good on ya, Danny!’ cried Bush. ‘That’s gotta be the world’s biggest tucker bag!’

‘Take the little bities back where they came from,’ said Bunny.

‘We’ll come with you,’ said Matthew.

Danny strolled out of the wigwam and through the woods, like the Pied Piper of Hamelin, leading the long string of ants out of the camp. Matthew, Sally and Vicky walked by his side, singing the
camp song, including Danny’s naughty version.

When they reached the nest, he dropped the sack of food on to the ground next to the log and stood back, waiting for the insects to catch up.

‘What’s that noise?’ asked Vicky.

HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!

‘It’s Llewellyn and Gwyneth!’ replied Matthew.

The security guard and his goose crashed out of the forest. Gwyneth hissed angrily at the children.

‘Silly-billy-dilly-dally-bing-bang-bong,’ said Llewellyn, laughing at the strange group in front of him. ‘Now, I ask myself, what would a Roman gladiator, a Celtic warrior and
two calculators be doing out in the forest alone?’

‘Picnic,’ said Danny, opening the tablecloth to show him the food.

The goose lunged towards it.

‘Gwyneth!’ roared Llewellyn, but the big bird yanked hard on her lead, and tugged him over into the pile of food, gobbling greedily at a cheese-and-tomato sandwich.

At that moment, the ants arrived.

Gwyneth gave a short, loud ‘HONK!’ and began to wiggle.

Llewellyn gasped and began to squiggle.

Then they both began to jiggle.

‘What’s going on?’ asked the security guard.

‘You’ve got ants in your pants!’ chorused Danny Matthew, Sally and Vicky.

Gruesome guard-goose Gwyneth charged off down the valley, honking loudly and dragging Llewellyn after her. She skidded on to the girls’ mudslide and the pair of them slid off along
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. A shower of rain that morning had freshened up the slimy slope and they zoomed along the muddy word, swirling and twirling gracefully
towards the stream at the bottom.

SPLASH!

The kids high-fived.

‘Truce,’ agreed Sally, shaking his hand. ‘Let’s go home.’

Poo-wiggly-wig Adventure Centre

Wales

G’day Mr Bibby (That’s ‘hello’ in Australian)

I couldn’t beat the Ant-filled Underwear Endurance world record, but I did manage to infect fifty-three people and one goose with the ants from my pants. Bunny Grylls,
the girls’ leader, says she’s certain this is a world record. I hope this is true, because I feel left out – almost everyone else has broken a record these last three weeks except
me!

We’re leaving Poo-wiggly-wig today. It’s been Ace, but I’m looking forward to getting my football boots on again and playing footy.

And I miss my sister Natalie – not!

Best wishes

Danny Baker

‘You stink!’ said Mum, when Danny walked into the house at the end of the trip. ‘Have you had a bath or a shower
at all
while you’ve been
away?’

‘I didn’t need to,’ he replied. ‘I was only away three weeks.’

Danny opened his suitcase and tipped it upside down next to the washing machine. His dirty clothes slid out and landed with a wet splat, spraying mud and dirty water across the floor. A beetle,
three woodlice, four centipedes and a spider scuttled from underneath the grubby mound.

Danny handed Natalie something big and rectangular-shaped wrapped in plain brown paper. ‘I got you a present, Nat.’

His sister narrowed her eyes. ‘Is it poisonous? Will it give me a rash?’

‘It’s educational,’ replied Danny.

Natalie carefully unwrapped the present, revealing a shallow wooden box with a glass front. The inside of the box was divided up into square sections, each containing different-sized brown or
black balls. Her face crumpled in disgust.

‘It’s a box of poo!’ she exclaimed.