Dancer at Silver Spires (6 page)

Emily leaned back in her chair and folded her arms, and I bit my lip and squirmed around in my own chair, not knowing what to say.

Sasha put her arm round me. “Leave her alone, Emily.”

“Sasha's right, she obviously doesn't want to talk about it, so let's just get on with the game,” Bryony added.

I wanted to say thank you, but even those two little words would have drawn the attention back to me, so I sat there stiffly and we carried on playing. But it was ages before we truly got back into the game. And when we did, I was rubbish. I kept on laying the wrong cards because of all the thoughts that were whizzing through my mind. All the things I wished I could say to try and explain myself…

I can't go to junior ballet club. Can I?

No. What would be the point when I'm never going to be a ballet dancer. It would just be too painful. I'd have to look in the mirrors and face my failure.

The following Wednesday, Sasha and I went to gym club and for a whole hour we had a brilliant time. The session was all about flight. We had to work on the benches and springboards using three jump shapes called tuck, pike and straddle, and then we got to do the jumps off the bigger pieces of apparatus, which was scary but amazing.

Every so often I thought,
What if I fall awkwardly or twist my ankle or something? That would be terrible for my ballet
.
But then I reminded myself sternly that it doesn't matter about that. I don't do ballet any more. Well, not properly. Just on my own, which doesn't count. At least…I don't think it does.

At the end of the club, Sasha went to ask Mrs. Truman if she could go through something with her, and I hung around waiting for her. It seemed like she really wanted to improve her vaults, as she was concentrating hard on everything Mrs. Truman said and trying to make her technique better. She tried one particular vault out two or three times.

By the time Mrs. Truman had finished helping Sasha, everyone else had gone, and even Mrs. Truman herself got a shock when she saw the time. “Oh my goodness. I'd better get myself organized!” And she rushed out of the hall, leaving me and Sasha alone.

I started to walk towards the changing room, but Sasha's voice stopped me. She was still in her serious mode. “Izzy?”

“Yes?”

“Now that there's only you and me here, can you just show me one little ballet step?” She broke into a gabble and I suddenly realized she was nervous about how I might react. “I don't mind what step it is. Just anything. Or maybe do what you showed Emily. She said you held onto the shelf and started in first position…?”

I realized so much in that moment. Firstly, it sounded from what Sasha had said –
Now that there's only you and me here
– like she may have deliberately kept Mrs. Truman talking about gym by pretending she wanted to know something, when all she was really doing was killing time till the rest of the girls had gone, so she and I could be on our own. And secondly, Sasha and Emily must have talked to each other about me and my ballet.

And yet I wasn't cross. And even more surprising, I wasn't upset that my private world had been invaded again. I think it was because of being in the sports hall. The big empty space was just so tempting that my feet tingled and the tingles ran up my legs and spread out all over my body. I told myself one little step or two would be all right, especially as it was just me and my best friend this time. So I slowly stepped into the preparation position for one of the grade six set variations that I really loved, and I was aware of Sasha shuffling quickly backwards as though to give me space.

But then a second later I forgot about her completely because the familiar music for that variation came swirling into my head and I was beginning to move into an
arabesque
, then a
port de bras
and then something faster – some
sissonnes
. And that was the moment when the music was suddenly spoiled by the noise of a squeaky door, and I stopped abruptly, and stood there feeling shaky and strange.

“Izzy! That was lovely.” Mrs. Truman was rushing over to the mats. “I've got senior gym club in here now, but you'll have to show me some more ballet in the next PE lesson?” She'd raised her voice as though it was a question and now she was looking at me waiting for an answer. So was Sasha.

I stood there silently, like an idiot.

“You're not in junior ballet club, are you?” Mrs. Truman carried on. “I'll have a word with Miss Morgan. I know she's wanting to boost the numbers of girls doing ballet at the junior end of the school.”

“I'm…not really all that interested.”

Mrs. Truman had been dragging mats about, but she stopped and looked at me carefully, her head tipped on one side. “You seem to have a natural talent, Izzy. It would be a shame to let it go.”

I was suddenly aware of Sasha out of the corner of my eye. She was nodding. “Yes, Izzy's definitely really talented,” she said, sounding a bit breathless and I saw that her cheeks had gone pink.

Mrs. Truman smiled at Sasha. “Absolutely!” Then she turned to me. “I'll get Miss Morgan to size you up.” I felt my stomach knotting. I hated those words.

But then the conversation came to an abrupt halt, thank goodness, because some seniors had come into the hall and one of them had broken into cartwheels.

“Not without getting warmed up, Natalie!” Mrs. Truman called out, sounding strict. She tutted a bit and pretended to be crosser than she was, and I felt relieved that something was happening to take the attention away from me. Without wasting a second, I hurried to the door and Sasha immediately rushed to join me.

An awkwardness hung between us once we were outside, just like the one when we'd been in the common room with Maria and Olivia and the Year Nines.

It was Sasha who broke the silence, still sounding nervous. “I didn't know Mrs. Truman was coming back, Whizz, honestly,” she said.

“It's okay.” It was hard to know what else to say. “I didn't really mind,” I went on, trying to sound normal. “I just don't want to join ballet club, that's all, and I don't like it when people try to persuade me to.”

That was the most I'd ever said on the subject and I could see from Sasha's wide eyes that she was really interested and curious.

“Why not?” she asked simply.

I suddenly thought there might be a way I could explain myself. A way that Sasha would understand. “Because ballet's different from lots of other subjects. It's either something you do…” I hesitated to say the next three words because they were giving away too much of my private world. I spoke them softly and quickly to try and cover them up a bit. “
…for the future
…or otherwise it's something you don't do at all.” Sasha's eyes were enormous by then and I just wanted to drop the whole conversation. “That's how I think about it, anyway,” I said, trying to lighten my voice. “It's no big deal.”

Those last four words must have come out with a harder edge than I'd meant, because Sasha opened her mouth as though she was about to say something, but quickly closed it again. And we walked in silence for a few steps until some birds started to sing and I felt a sudden rush of magic.

“Listen!” I said, stopping in my tracks. “Birds singing when it's practically dark! That's unusual isn't it?”

We stood there completely motionless, listening to two little birds tweeting away, and to me it felt like a bond between us. I think Sasha had the same thought, because she broke into a big smile. “It's lovely here, isn't it, Iz? We're so lucky, aren't we?”

I nodded. And we walked on chattering about the different boarding houses and how pleased we were to be in Forest Ash. And I
did
feel lucky, because it was just as though the ballet conversation had been sealed over and we were back to normal again.

The next day I woke up with the feeling that it was going to be a good day. Just before I'd gone to sleep last night, I'd thought through what had happened in the sports hall and decided that I was pleased Sasha had seen me dancing now and heard me telling Mrs. Truman that I wasn't interested in joining the ballet club. And I remembered again how she'd stopped Emily from talking about ballet in front of me too. I was so lucky to have Sasha as a best friend. Now I'd told her why I didn't like talking about ballet, I had the feeling that she wouldn't ask again, and also that she'd try and protect me from anyone else nagging me to do something I didn't want to do.

At morning break, Nicole wanted to show us how much Italian she'd learned. She and Antonia actually had a conversation in Italian. Antonia was pretending to be the shopkeeper and Nicole was buying all sorts of things and talking about the weather. It was really impressive and the rest of us clapped like mad at the end. Then the two of them started trying to teach
us
how to speak the language, but we couldn't pronounce the words properly, which made Antonia fall about laughing and say we were worse than Matron. Her laughter was infectious and before long we were all practically in hysterics.

Then I got a text from Max and read it quickly.

Ta 4 e-mail. Still missin C. Part from that all good. U ok?

I felt really proud to be the person Max was confiding in about missing Claire. I mean I knew I probably wasn't the only one, but I felt quite grown-up and happy, especially because he seemed to be keeping in touch more now than when I first joined Silver Spires.

“It's from my brother,” I said quietly to Sasha. “He says he's still missing Claire.”

“Poor Max,” said Sasha.

“Why? What's poor about him?” asked Emily, tuning in.

“He's broken up with his girlfriend, but he's missing her,” I explained quickly.

“He ought to phone her up and get back with her then,” said Emily, turning her palms up as though it was obvious.

“It's not as simple as that, Ems!” said Bryony, rolling her eyes. “She might have got someone else.”

“Eef she has someone else, she can domp heem!” said Antonia.

“
Dump!
” we all chorused, which set off another bout of hysterics.

It was geography after break, with Mr. Pattle, who's one of the strictest teachers in the school. We had a terrible time keeping our giggles inside, because we'd got ourselves in the mood for laughter and just didn't seem able to stop.

“Bryony Price, can you tell us what's amusing you this morning?” He raised his eyebrows. “I'm sure the whole class would like to know.”

I was glad he'd asked Bryony. She's the bravest and toughest of us all and I knew she'd be able to stand up to Mr. Pattle without losing face.

“Yes, certainly, Mr. Pattle. I'm very sorry if we were being disruptive,” she said. We all knew that she was being over-the-top polite on purpose to make fun of Mr. Pattle, which was a clever thing to do because he couldn't tell her off for being too polite. “My friends and I were laughing at ourselves for our pathetic attempts at speaking Italian during break.” She smiled at him and shrugged her shoulders apologetically. “And you know what it's like when you just can't stop laughing?”

Now she was really making fun of him, because I don't suppose Mr. Pattle had any idea what that was like. I couldn't imagine he ever laughed at anything.

“Yes, well…” He looked so uncomfortable standing there now. I couldn't believe how flustered he was, and I almost felt sorry for him, except that what happened next killed every last trace of laughter that might have been lingering inside me.

Miss Morgan had come into the room. “I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr. Pattle, but could I borrow Izzy Carter for a few minutes?”

Mr. Pattle looked hugely relieved at the distraction and nodded at me to go. I saw Sasha's hand fly to her mouth and I knew she was worried about how I'd react to the dance mistress wanting to speak to me. My legs shook as I got up and looked at Miss Morgan. Then as her eyes met mine, I realized that she didn't have a clue who I was. She was just following up on what Mrs. Truman had told her.