Dance of the Reptiles (39 page)

For my part, I no longer go online to order my tanning goggles or even bootleg cartons of Marlboros, even though the savings were substantial and shipping was usually free. Such caution should govern all congressional e-mails, online conversations, tweets, and text messages.

In Rep. Lee’s case, he represented himself to the woman on Craigslist as an unmarried person—“a very fit fun classy guy.” He also lied about his age and claimed to be, of all things, a lobbyist (no wonder she lost interest!). Unfortunately, the one fact that Rep. Lee failed to conceal was his name, which is why our party now finds itself in this squeamish posture. Every sordid scandal like this makes it more difficult to achieve our mission of branding the Democrats as reckless, undisciplined, and unfit to lead.

But to all my fellow Republicans, I say this: Have faith. After all, we survived Larry Craig, Mark Foley, John Ensign, Mark Sanford, Mark Souder, David Vitter, and the rest. We’ll survive Christopher Lee, too.

Be smart, be strong, and never, ever use your real name when trolling the Internet for hot monkey love.

In time, we will retake the moral high ground. We will rise up again.

Wait, make that “prevail.”

August 21, 2011

GOP Attacks on EPA Ignore the Problem

Dutifully following their Tea Party scripts, most of the Republican presidential candidates have declared war on the Environmental Protection Agency. They claim that the economy is being smothered by regulations designed to keep our air and water safe. No iota of evidence is being offered, and in fact the record profits of big energy companies indicate a spectacular lack of suffering.

But listen to Rep. Michele Bachmann’s promise to an Iowa crowd about one of her first presidential priorities: “I guarantee you the EPA will have doors locked and lights turned off, and they will only be about conservation. It will be a new day and a new sheriff in Washington, D.C.”

Granted, Bachmann is a witless parrot who has no chance—absolutely zero—of being elected to the White House. But her hatred of the EPA is shared by Gov. Rick Perry of Texas, who is considered a GOP front-runner. Like Bachmann, Perry refuses to accept that global warming is real. He launched a lawsuit to stop the EPA from enacting rules to limit greenhouse gases from oil refineries, power plants, and other industrial sources.

Perry likes to whine that “EPA regulations are killing jobs all across America,” a statement that draws more cheers in his native state than in the rest of the country. In fact, polls show that a large majority of Americans are worried about air and water pollution and hold a positive view of the EPA.

Nothing kills jobs like an environmental catastrophe, as the Gulf Coast gravely experienced during (and after) the BP oil spill last year. The true cost of that accident to the economies of Louisiana, Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida is probably incalculable, although surely many billions of
dollars were lost. The cleanup wasn’t perfect, but it’s absurd to think that BP would have worked faster or more efficiently if the Obama administration and the EPA hadn’t been leaning on the company, both publicly and behind closed doors.

Forty-one years ago the agency was formed, and for good reason: Toxins by the ton were being flagrantly pumped into this country’s rivers, bays, and oceans, and blown through smokestacks into the air. People were getting sick and dying only because some companies were too greedy to spend money cleaning up their own mess.

The corporate mentality toward pollution has changed because the alternatives are heavy fines, criminal penalties, and savage publicity. A reminder of why we still need the EPA was last month’s oil spill on the Yellowstone River, which affected ranchers, farmers, fishing guides, and rafting companies. It also occurred seven months after ExxonMobil insisted that its pipeline would never rupture because it was buried too deep.

Of all the reasons government exists, none is more crucial than trying to keep its citizens safe, whether from a terrorist attack, Wall Street’s recklessness, or industrial poisoning.

Not surprisingly, surveys show that most Americans want their children to grow up drinking clean water and breathing clean air. How, then, to explain the radical hostility of Bachmann, Perry, Newt Gingrich, and some of the other Republican candidates?

First, it’s about raising money. The petroleum and coal conglomerates are huge GOP donors, and they’d love to have a president who would gut the EPA.

Second, it’s about politics. To win Republican primaries—the theory goes—a candidate must fire up the Wing-nut Right. The easiest way to do that is to brainlessly bash whatever
government does. Perry specializes in this, even though almost half of Texas’s vaunted employment growth has been in the public sector—government jobs, in other words. You won’t hear the governor complain about the $200 billion that U.S. taxpayers pump into his state’s economy annually for military bases and related industries.

One thing to emerge from the Republicans’ attacks on the EPA is the early campaign path of Mitt Romney. Clearly, his strategy is to appear less loony and misinformed than his rivals. Romney says the EPA has an important role; furthermore, he has actually conceded that global warming is a fact. As governor of Massachusetts, Romney expressed interest in a carbon cap-and-trade program and proposed a plan to cut back on greenhouse gas emissions.

Predictably, with the primaries looming, Romney now says he opposes regulating carbon dioxide and other gases linked to climate change. As he and the other GOP candidates begin piling into Florida for the long campaign, pay attention to their rhetoric about the dreaded EPA.

The economy here would crumble if the environment were left unprotected. Florida can’t survive without tourism, and tourism dies when tar balls and rotting fish turn up on the beach. What remains of the long-polluted Everglades would also be doomed without a federal regulatory presence, however cumbersome. Doomed, too, would be South Florida’s chief source of fresh water, upon which business growth depends—not to mention the future of about eight million people.

Yet don’t be surprised if Perry and Bachmann arrive here clinging to the Tea Party narrative that government oversight is inherently evil. They’d like us to kindly forget about that little mishap in the Gulf of Mexico last year, as well as other manmade though preventable disasters.

It’s easier to ignore the past and stick to the script, especially if someone else is writing it.

October 2, 2011

All Aboard Herman Cain Bandwagon

An absolutely true news item: Herman Cain, former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, has won the Republican presidential straw poll in Florida
.

My fellow Americans,

Welcome to the Herman Cain bandwagon!

All you devoted Tea Party folks know who I am, and know where I stand. Same goes for all the fans of my syndicated column and my commentaries on the FOX Business Network, as well as all the good God-fearing people at the Baptist church where I’m an associate minister.

But the rest of America is probably wondering: Who the heck is this Herman Cain, and how does running a pizza company qualify him to be president of the United States? What makes him so much smarter than Papa John or that super-rich dude who owns Domino’s?

First thing you should know: Herman Cain isn’t just about pizza.

I also worked for Coca-Cola and Pillsbury and supervised a whole bunch of Burger Kings. I’ve served on the board of Nabisco, Whirlpool, and even
Reader’s Digest
, a solid conservative publication.

Not that I’m trying to downplay all those great years at Godfather’s. Make no mistake: Pizza has been very good to Herman Cain. I can’t think of a better background to prepare a candidate for the formidable and complex challenges of the modern presidency.

Imagine the Mideast, for example, as a large mozzarella pie with an extra-crispy crust. Each slice is loaded with different exotic ingredients, and occasionally, one slice clashes with the others to which it is geographically linked.

Let’s say the pizza slice we call Israel is diced mushrooms and bell peppers. Perhaps Syria is bacon with pineapple chunks. Will there be harsh words and strife? It’s inevitable.

Now, throw in Jordan (ham with kalamata olives) and Egypt (pulled chicken on spinach leaves) and of course Saudi Arabia (artichoke hearts, tomatoes, and ground lamb).

What you have, my fellow Americans, is a recipe for trouble.

Which is why we need a president who has firsthand experience in the delicate balancing and mixing of life’s condiments. Let me say this loud and clear: Herman Cain is a man who can make pineapple chunks work with anything!

Now let’s talk about our struggling economy. Again, you might be wondering how an executive career in food services translates to instant expertise on the global debt crisis, domestic tax policies, or Social Security reform. Don’t forget that I was once chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank in Kansas City. I also single-handedly rescued Godfather’s Pizza from bankruptcy, although I had to shut down more than 120 restaurants and fire a whole bunch of folks.

I don’t deny saying that I’ll turn America around the same way I turned Godfather’s around, but naturally, the left-wing media has twisted this into something snarky. Of course you can’t run the biggest economy in the world exactly the same way you run a pizza company. The secret to Godfather’s resurgence was basic: More topping. The secret to saving America is equally simple: Less topping.

Imagine the federal budget in slices, and what do you see?

Cheese, my fellow Americans, a veritable mudslide of cheese.

Then, on top of all that goo, you’ve got a virtual mountain of pepperoni, jalapeños, prosciutto, capers, eggplant, onions, salami, and anchovies. And where is President Obama? He’s in the kitchen cooking up more marinara sauce, probably with garlic and rosemary!

As you know, the biggest, sloppiest pieces of our budgetary pizza are Social Security, Medicare, and the Pentagon. Herman Cain is the only candidate who isn’t afraid to reach into that hot oven and scrape off all the wasteful toppings until there’s nothing left but the dough.

To those who think I’m a long shot, let me remind you that the same was said about a certain B-list Hollywood actor who became one of our best presidents (and who also liked a slice of deep-dish from time to time).

It’s true that I’ve never held public office. It’s also true that I’ve fumbled my facts a bit when it came to sensitive topics like Palestine or, more recently, the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution.

That’s okay. Herman Cain can take a fair hit.

But I’ve detected even among fellow party members a humoring attitude toward my candidacy. I can’t help but wonder if they’d be treating me the same way if my background wasn’t pizza but, say, calzones.

In any case, thanks to those 986 Republicans who voted for me in Florida’s straw poll, Herman Cain is now a crusty force to be reckoned with.

Bring on the heat.

August 25, 2012

GOP Delegates: Don’t Go Near the Strippers

It’s been widely noted that Tampa is the strip-club capital of America, and this week vigilant media will be scrutinizing arrest reports in search of Republicans who strayed too far from the convention center (not to mention the party’s puritanical agenda).

Hillsborough County actually has a law that strippers must keep a six-foot distance from patrons, but wanton groping is bound to occur as delegates celebrate the wild and crazy nomination of Mitt Romney.

Hopes that Missouri Congressman Todd Akin would be caught with a naked dancer writhing on his lap have been put on hold. As of this writing, Akin says he won’t come to the convention, a monumental relief to Romney but a disappointment to those who are curious to hear Akin clarify his odd theories of female biology.

Party leaders would rather deal with a Hurricane Isaac than a loose cannon who, with one ill-timed monologue, illuminated the chilling gap between the Republicans’ radical social agenda and mainstream voters. Akin is one of those self-righteous meddlers who oppose abortion even in cases of rape and incest, a view supported by only 17 percent of Americans (according to the latest
Washington Post
poll) but championed by right-wing Christians. In fact, it’s part of the GOP platform that will be presented to delegates.

What got Akin in trouble with his own party wasn’t his punitive stance against rape victims; it was saying on TV that women’s bodies have a natural way of “shutting down” to prevent pregnancy after a “legitimate rape.” Issue number one is Akin’s boggling stupidity, which Republican leaders never worried about until he opened his mouth and embarrassed
them. Issue number two is his destructive insensitivity. Driving away female voters is the last thing the GOP needs before a tight election, and even the bad hairpieces on FOX News are twitching in dismay.

Akin, who is running for the U.S. Senate, has so far refused to drop out of the race, and he continues to stoke the abortion debate. This is what happens when you pander to extremists while trying to sell your party as compassionate and levelheaded—the extremists don’t always shut up when you want them to.

As the Republican delegates this week struggle to stay six feet from the strippers, Romney is trying to put about 600,000 light-years between himself and Todd Akin. However, the presidential nominee has a big problem, and that problem is his running mate, Paul Ryan.

The Wisconsin congressman, another “social conservative,” joined with Akin to cosponsor anti-choice legislation in the House. The bill would ban all abortions “unless the pregnancy is the result of an act of forcible rape or incest.” Last week, during the Akin fiasco, Ryan clammed up when he was asked to explain the term “forcible rape” in relation to other rapes. “Rape is rape,” he said over and over in the tone of a constipated macaw.

Like Akin, Ryan doesn’t really believe rape is rape. He and many anti-abortionists favor a narrow definition of the crime. For example, they think statutory rape involving teens is different and that pregnancies resulting from those acts should not be terminated. The philosophy is pure Akin and Ryan. They want to be in your bedroom, in your doctor’s office, in your church. Forget privacy. Forget personal decisions.