CultOfTheBlackVirgin (31 page)

Then something very odd happened. For the first time in her life, Joanna Clifford understood what it felt like to want to have a child. Suddenly she felt a desire to be pregnant.

But not by James.

By Luc.

She began to shake.

Marriage and starting a family with James had been in the cards after only a few months of meeting him. It was just that she’d been feeling particularly ambivalent about it as the time grew closer. He was rushing her. And in her heart of hearts she wasn’t sure if she would ever be completely ready. But then she thought that maybe nobody was. They just went into it on faith.

But now, now she felt a genuine desire to have a child. Luc’s child. Her and Luc’s child. An extraordinary child, conceived out of the extraordinary connection made by its parents.

Any question of whether she really wanted a child with Luc was moot—her body willed it. She herself had little choice. Her previous hesitations around pregnancy were overruled by the most overpowering natural forces in the world—the desire to have her lover plant himself inside her. The desire to have him take control of her body—as he already had control of her heart and mind—and place his seed inside her to grow their love child.

She remembered how she had once scoffed at the outdated notion that the sex act for men was complete once it was complete, but for women wasn’t truly over until the conception, delivery, and nursing of a healthy child. She’d read this in her mother’s old medical book, written in the 1940’s. Sixty years later, armed with sex education classes and excellent birth control, she chose when and how she wanted to have sex. She belonged to the second generation of liberated women who were happily free from the restrictions of the historical past, and she took for granted that she could treat sex as casually as men did, if she chose to.

But now, she saw sex differently. Sex with Luc could move even further towards becoming the most significant event in her life if she bore his child. She flushed at the idea, awed by the overwhelming emotion that washed over her. Luckily she hadn’t stopped her contraception before she left for France. Even though James had suggested that it might be time to try to conceive, Jo just couldn’t bring herself to stop taking the little pink pills that ensured her freedom.

Lucky. Lucky. Otherwise I might have done something truly stupid, even more spectacularly stupid than what I’ve already done
.

She shook her head at this revelation, and tried to focus on what she had right now. Luc was lying stretched out in front of her, naked, and they had another few hours together.

Lust is a valuable gift, like a jewel
.
Hold onto that, you idiot. Only that. That’s all you get. Be grateful for it.

And she was grateful—he was so beautiful. She didn’t ever want to stop looking, and touching. And she wanted to smell and taste him, too, so she bent her lips to his head, running the tip of her tongue along his hairline, his eyebrows, his lashes, cheeks, ending with a kiss on his mouth which he returned with such tenderness that she wanted to die. Nothing else in her life had been, or ever would be, as precious as this moment, she thought, as she swore she could feel her heart grow larger in her chest. This was perfect bliss. She’d call it love, if…

Maybe it was a mistake, but she decided to speak. If this was to be their last time, she needed to tell him what he meant to her.

She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. “I’m so happy right now I could die. After what you’ve made me feel these past few days, I could happily die right now and have no regrets. I don’t know what that means, but I know it’s true.”

That didn’t come out exactly the way she intended, but it was said.

He opened his eyes and pulled back to look up at her, his face giving no hint of his thoughts. For a moment he said nothing. Then he spoke, slowly. “Joanna, there’s something important I’m going to ask you now.”

He paused and she felt her heart stop. Her stomach clenched, not in pleasure, but in fear. She held her breath.

“I had the ring removed.” He held his left hand up in front of her face, fingers splayed.

“Yes. I saw.” Her voice was hushed. That white ring of pale flesh moved her more profoundly than she could have imagined.

“I want you, Joanna. I want you to come away with me. The day after tomorrow, after I finish this contract.”

Her eyes widened in disbelief as he spoke.

“We need to be together. We can’t just separate after today. I will
not
watch you get on a train and disappear.”

The look in his eyes was tender but stern, his voice somber. She stared back at him, shocked—her response delayed.

She could only think, calmly, slowly,
Well—this is it. This is what I get for my sins. More than I could ever expect. And it’s much too much. I thought I would do anything for him. And now he’s giving me the chance.

Was this really what she wanted to hear from her lover of just one week?

She didn’t know.

Although she thought she sounded calm, her voice cracked. “Go away where? How? Have you thought this through, are you serious?”

A million questions presented themselves at once. What was he asking her to do? Run off with him for a tryst? Only to throw her back when he was done with her? Or was he as willing to do anything for her, as she was for him? Did he want to marry her? Did he even know what he wanted? How could he? They barely knew each other.

She panicked and tried to sit up, but he pulled her back down onto the blanket and rolled her onto her back, straddling her body with his. He roughly pinned her hands on the ground alongside her head. She saw anger and fear and something like resignation in his face.

“Listen to me,” he said loudly, pressing his face close to hers. “I know I’m forcing a difficult decision onto you, but don’t tell me that you plan to kiss me goodbye today, or tomorrow, or on Monday, and walk away forever. Do
not
tell me that! I know it would be a lie! Wouldn’t it?”

Alarmed to be backed into a corner like this, she was also aroused by the strength of his body pinning hers to the blanket, the force of his words, and the proposal itself. How could she have anticipated this? That her lover might want her as much as she wanted him?

In a small voice, she struggled to speak. “I don’t know. I can’t say what I might or might not do tonight, or tomorrow. I can’t see anything beyond this moment. Ow—you’re hurting me.” She tried to twist free of his grasp.

But he didn’t loosen his grip. “Yes, my lovely Joanna—we’ve both been guilty of living for the moment. But I want more. I want a future with you. I don’t know what kind—it’s too early to say. But I have to know that you’re not going to disappear on me the day after tomorrow.”

“But what else can I do? I have a life to get back to. And I can’t hurt James.”

“Yes—I know you’re thinking of more than yourself. I have concerns of my own. My son is called Daniel. I am the center of his universe. And my lover’s name is Simone. She wants to marry me.”

Jo stopped struggling.

He let go of her hands, climbed off her, and pulled his shorts back on. She remained on her back, stunned, thinking. Now that he’d spoken their names, his child and lover seemed more real. From his sitting position, he looked down on her.

“Whatever you might think, I’m no fool. Impulsive—yes. Passionate—also yes. But not foolish. I know my own mind. And heart. Since meeting you I’ve been good for nothing. I can’t sleep, I can’t take pleasure in my regular day’s work. All I can think about is being with you, naked. Making love to you. Fucking you. Whatever you want to call it.

“Last night was hell for me, knowing you were in the next room. Knowing I couldn’t see you, or touch you. And knowing you’d be leaving in a few days. I was too disturbed for sleep. Too aroused. And because I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t free to relieve myself. So I lay there, like a schoolboy, waiting for Duncan to fall asleep. Waiting for a release.

“I contemplated breaking into your room, dragging you outside, taking you for myself. I’m not a violent man, but these are the crazy thoughts I’ve been having.”

She stared at him, eyes huge.

He smiled grimly and touched her face. “Will you understand? I don’t want to go home on Monday. I can’t see Simone while I’m like this. She’ll know right away that I’m not with her. She’ll know I’m changed. I don’t want to hurt her any more than you want to hurt your lover. And my son—what can I say?” He opened his hands in a touching gesture, pain showing on his face.

“I love Daniel more than I can begin to tell you. But I can’t bear the idea of never seeing you again. I have to be with you—do you understand? Say that you do!”

He stroked her face again, tenderly. She was so moved by his words that she could barely breathe.

She
was
beginning to understand. He was forcing her to look at the consequences of indulging in her little fantasies. Her lies, their game, had life-altering consequences. And not just for her. She’d cheated on James, she’d deceived the other walkers—and she just at that moment realized she’d been lying to herself. This was no game of harmless flirtation. Nor was it love. This was lust, and this lust business was a dirty, dangerous business. It was no longer fun, no longer a
jewel
, except perhaps a blood diamond.

Yes—they were in lust. That much was clear. And it seemed they couldn’t go backwards, and pretend it hadn’t happened. Nor could they go forward. Lust was not something to base lives on.

Because she knew, from experience, that lust was a temporary condition, one that could make her behave as if she were insane. But what she hadn’t known until now was that it could make her
this
crazy. This helpless. She’d let Luc take over her will. She’d given herself over, in more than body, to her lover.

And now look what’s happened!

She was reminded of how years earlier she’d fallen in lust with another student, a younger man, who still lived at home with his parents. She’d been so out of her mind with longing for him that she seriously contemplated driving out to his family’s home one night to pitch a tent in the yard, outside his bedroom window. She wanted to sleep there, near him. She couldn’t remember afterwards where that compelling desire had come from. But she’d been so crazy for him that she went out into the dark one night and howled at the moon like a dog. The howling hurt her throat, but it felt right, at the time. In retrospect, it was ridiculous. Luckily that insanity lasted only a few months. And nothing but her pride was hurt, in the end.

This was a very different situation. Now she was a grown-up. A career woman. Not only did she love James, she loved his parents, too. She was particularly close to James’ mother, Susan. Susan would be as devastated as James if she left, Jo knew. Life would be poorer for having lost James’ family, not to mention the man himself.

And her career! A rewarding and exciting position as assistant editor had seemed more of a gift than a job. She’d been thrilled to get it, and was proud of what she’d accomplished in the short time she’d been with the magazine. Gradually, she was writing more feature articles, getting her photographs and drawings published, and enjoying the magazine’s respectable increase in circulation since she had joined the editorial team.

What about her friends and family? Her father, in particular, would be very disappointed in her. She’d spent all of her life trying to please him. How could she stop now? How could she just leave everyone and everything she knew and loved? And her beloved dog, Sammy. This wasn’t a question of having a miserable or even just a dull life and wanting change. This was a situation in which she was being asked to sacrifice an enormously rich life. For what, exactly? How could she weigh her rich and ordered life against the newfound joy of her French lover? It was impossible. This was not a decision she could make with her head. Her head hurt right now.

When she was lucid, Jo was no gambler. Now she was out of her mind with longing, maybe even love—she couldn’t discount that, really—and faced with the most difficult decision of her life. If she ran off with Luc, she would lose everything she had.

For what? Sex? No—it’s far more than that. Isn’t it?

But she couldn’t answer her own questions.

Luc interrupted her feeble attempts. “I want you to come with me on Monday—to Nice. My family has a summer house there. We can be together, swim naked in the sea, make love all day and all night. Or we can go further—into Italy. Anywhere you want. It won’t matter where, but say you’ll come with me to a place where we can be alone together. I
must
have you with me!”

His voice was insistent, his expression earnest. He bent to her lips and kissed them slowly, using his tongue for a deeper kiss. The kiss was so sweet that she let it overpower her. She wanted to swallow him.

As her body softened towards him, something inside her cried,
Stop!

Forcing herself to shake him off, she sat up. “How could we do something like that? It’s completely impractical! How would we live? We have responsibilities. We have
jobs
.”

The banality of her words struck her as she spoke them, but she couldn’t stop. She knew she could give up her career, her home, for a chance of happiness with Luc. But there was a person she couldn’t so easily give up. Someone she couldn’t bear to hurt.