Conquest (39 page)
Jesse stood at the window of his hotel suite watching snow float down over Central Park. The others had been so excited about spending Christmas in New York. He could only think that he was in Evan’s hometown. At least Trish got to visit with her family, and Julian did as well since Connecticut was only a spit away. Kenny stayed rather than going back to Chicago, and Brandon had arrived the day before on Christmas Eve, but despite having everyone around him, he still felt alone.
He wondered what Evan was doing, where he was. He had a feeling Evan may have come to New York to see his mother, which meant he could be somewhere in this labyrinth of a city and they were the closest they’d been since he had left on tour. At that thought, the city seemed to spread out further, the buildings heightening their already mammoth statures, as if to hide Evan within its great depths.
A knock sounded on his door. Achilles sprang off the couch in the living room of the suite, barking and charging the door. At nearly six months old, the dog looked more gawky and uncoordinated than ever as his German Shepherd body beneath his Collie coat tried to fill out his massive paws. The little bit of worry he held about it not working out having a dog on the road quickly vanquished when he realized Achilles was happy so long as he was with him and that he could take the dog pretty much anywhere, since not too many people wanted to say no to the lead singer of the hottest band in the country.
Jesse sighed and turned back into his room to grab Achilles’s leash. “Just because he booked a banquet room and ordered a big dinner, I don’t know why I’m expected to be there.”
He walked out of his room with Kenny and Achilles, and headed to the elevators. He knew his mood hadn’t been the best lately. He worked exceptionally hard at being the lighthearted, fun-loving lead singer of Conquest that fans expected him to be, playing it up for the cameras, trying to appear happy and cool, when really, there were days he hardly ate because his appetite was non-existent and all he did was sleep, or try to, at least. It was one of the few escapes he had, and even it wasn’t much of an escape since Evan haunted his dreams.
Every day, every night, every hour, he still thought of him. There were times when his mind felt like it no longer belonged to him, thinking what it wanted without his consent.
He needed to move on. He knew that. But it seemed so hard to imagine himself with anyone else, touching them, letting them touch him. He’d start to feel sick thinking about it, and he wondered, had he become a total head case? Was he ever going to be normal again? He had more than a hundred opportunities to have sex since he’d been on the road, and while some of the men had been exquisite in appearance, none, no matter their looks or personalities, were equal to Evan. And yet through all the dreams and fantasies of being with Evan again, he knew it would never happen. Evan had regained his music, shining before the world as he shared it. Evan didn’t need him anymore, if he had ever really needed him at all.
The elevator stopped. Jesse followed Kenny out and down the hall to the banquet room. He stepped in to the sound of softly playing Christmas music and a long rectangular table laid out with a red tablecloth trimmed in gold. A tall Christmas tree stood in one corner sparkling with white lights. Everyone sat on the couches close to a fireplace and a piano off to the side. Along with Brandon, Julian, Trish, and Greg, were Greg’s wife, Crystal, and his daughter, Krista, who flirted with him mercilessly.
He caught sight of a server coming in to put some finishing touches on the table, and after requesting a bottle of pinot noir, he moved to join the others.
Krista sat down on the arm of the couch at Jesse’s side and hugged him around his shoulders, her long brunette hair falling on his cheek. “He’s right, Jess. I’m not going to have any fun bragging to the girls at school about spending Christmas with you if I have to say you were in a bad mood.” She brandished her new digital camera above them. “Just smile for the camera. I need to get a shot of us to make all the girls jealous.”
“Then give them this.” Jesse took the camera from her and held it out, then put his lips to her cheek and snapped the photo.
“That’ll get ‘em!” she giggled. She took the camera back and gazed down at the photo of them. “Now I just have to get Evan when he gets here.”
Jesse’s heart stopped with a hard thump. He looked at Greg. “What?” He whipped his head toward Brandon. “What?”
“I don’t know why you’re looking at me,” Brandon said. “When I talked to him before I left, he said he still wasn’t sure if he was coming, so I didn’t know until he called me earlier today.”
Jesse stared at Brandon, caught between being shocked or angry. With each second, anger began to win. He knew Brandon and Evan had been communicating regularly since he left, even keeping up the tradition the three of them started by having dinner together every Tuesday, and though in his heart he knew it was all innocent, his mind whispered venomous doubts.
“That seems like an awful lot of conversations,” he said between clenched teeth. The smile Brandon turned on him grated his frayed nerves further.
The server returned and stepped up to Jesse, bending forward to show him the wine he brought. Jesse took the bottle and glass without moving his piercing glare from Brandon. Greg stood and walked away from everyone. Jesse eased up from the couch and followed him over to the table.
“I was going to tell you, Jess,” Greg said. “You know Evan doesn’t get along well with his step-relatives and his relationship with his mother is tense, so I thought it would be nice to invite him and them for Christmas dinner. It’d be good for him to be around people he actually enjoys, and whether you like it or not, he’s like a son to me and a friend to the members of your band. And seeing him now isn’t that big of a deal since you’ll have to see him in a couple days to rehearse for the New Year’s performance.”
“I already told you I wasn’t doing that,” Jesse hissed in a loud whisper.
“You can’t avoid him forever. You need to learn to deal with this, and most of all, talk to him.”
Jesse took a breath, ready to let a torrent of protests fly, when the door to the banquet room opened. Evan walked in with his mother, stepfather, and stepsister. Jesse’s breath left at the sight of him. He looked more divine than his memories held. There wasn’t a hint of darkness under his eyes that somehow seemed an even more dazzling blue. He wore a pair of brown leather pants so dark they were nearly black, and a tan cashmere sweater with a broad neck that revealed a glimpse of his collarbone. Jesse sighed to himself. Evan always did take leather pants from being rock star to supreme elegance.
“Achilles!” Evan called. He bent down, clapping his hands a couple times to encourage him. Achilles slammed into Evan’s knees, his tail whipping back and forth. Evan went down on one knee, roughing up Achilles’s fur and laughing when the dog tried to lick his face. He glanced up at Jesse standing near the table and found himself trapped by Jesse’s indigo eyes.
He couldn’t believe it was true, but Jesse looked more gorgeous than the last time they had been together. He had on a pair of black dress pants and the midnight blue sweater he wore pulled out the twilight in his eyes. At first, he thought the outfit was making Jesse look more mature, then he saw it in Jesse’s eyes, felt it in the air around him; during his time on the road, Jesse had grown even more into the confident leader of his band.
She threw her arms around his neck, and he lifted her off the ground with his hug. He put her down and took a step back from her, keeping his hands on her arms as he looked her up and down. “Wow. Did Santa bring you a boob job, because I know those things are bigger than the last time I saw you.”
Evan glanced at him, a sly smirk spreading over his lips, and turned back to Krista. “Oops, I mean, damn girl, I hope you got some makeup in your stocking because yikes.” He held his hand up as if trying to shield his eyes from looking at her.
Julian slid up beside Jesse. “Ah, nothing like being in the presence of the most breathtaking and talented man in the world. Didn’t you once say that was your type?”
Julian tugged on Jesse’s sleeve. “Come on now, darling. Say hello to everyone like a good boy.”
Jesse let Julian lead him over to the group. He walked up as Greg was finishing introductions.
“And this is—”
“Jess doesn’t need introductions,” Evan cut in, and met Jesse’s eyes. “Everyone knows who he is.” He took a step closer to him. “You look amazing.”
Jesse stared at him, brought off balance by Evan’s boldness. Before he could move, Evan closed the distance between them and pulled him into a tight embrace. Jesse stood rigid. He was in Evan’s arms. Evan’s body, that he knew so well, was pressed against him. His cologne, so familiar, filled his nose. Without warning, everything inside him broke. He pushed against Evan and wrapped his arms around him, melting into his embrace. Evan laid his head against Jesse’s and buried the fingers of one hand in Jesse’s hair.
Jesse lingered in Evan’s arms. It felt so good being held by him, so comfortable, so warm. This was how it should be, how it was meant to be. His throat started to tighten. But it was a lie. Why was Evan even bothering to hold him? Why was he doing this to him? Why did he want to keep hurting him? His eyes started to burn. He pushed back from Evan, blinking rapidly to keep his tears at bay.
He stood silent. He couldn’t look at Evan. He couldn’t look at anyone. He heard everyone around him making small talk, but their voices sounded muted, and in his mind they were all talking about them. He peeked toward the door from under his eyelashes, judging the distance. How bad would it look if he made a run for it?
He shook the thought away. No. He had to be strong. The last time they were together, Evan had been the strong one. Now it was his turn.
He glanced at Evan and saw he hadn’t moved from where he’d been standing during the hug. His eyes were focused on Achilles sitting at his side. Jesse could tell as Evan rubbed the dog behind his ear that even though he tried to hide it, Evan was upset. He cursed himself for it, but he was filled with the need to comfort him.
Evan kept his eyes on Achilles. “Yeah. I’m surprised he remembers me.”
“He likes you. He always has since the first day I found him.”
Jesse felt someone tap his arm and turned to see Evan’s mother standing beside him, holding out her hand.
“We didn’t get introduced. I’m Sophia, Evan’s mother.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Jesse said, taking her hand gently. He remembered her from the photos Evan had shown him, but now that he saw her in person he realized Evan looked so much like his father. Sophia’s hair was a much darker brown and while her eyes were blue, they weren’t the same radiant azure as Evan’s.
Sophia laid her other hand over his. “I have to admit, I haven’t been able to stop listening to your CD. Your voice is just amazing. And ‘Shattered,’ honey, your singing is so beautiful it gives me goose bumps whenever I hear it.”
“That’s why I haven’t been able to get the top spot back,” Evan said, smiling at Jesse. “I took it right out of the gate with ‘Addiction,’ then the next thing I knew, I was sitting in your shadow.”
Jesse couldn’t muster even the smallest of smiles. As much as he boasted “Shattered” would take Conquest above Evan, he hadn’t really thought it would happen. After all, Evan’s first single, the title track to his album
Addiction
, came out the last week of November to massive publicity and success, and knocked “Vanish” out of the top spot, so who would’ve guessed when “Shattered” hit two weeks later, they’d take it back. When he got the news, he knew he should’ve been happy about it, and maybe should have even felt that a little poetic justice had been served, but instead he felt miserable. Of all the things he wanted to achieve in his career, surpassing Evan wasn’t one of them.
He couldn’t stand Evan’s praise at being usurped by him and walked to the table. Swiping the bottle of red wine and a glass, he headed over to the couches. He sat down, poured his glass full, downed it in two gulps, and filled it again. He tipped his head back, draining half, and felt someone sit down beside him. He knew who it was without having to look, the warm, strong presence could never be mistaken for anyone else.
“What are you drinking?” Evan asked. Without waiting for Jesse to answer, he took the bottle from Jesse’s hand and looked at the label. “This is a nice vintage. Do you care if I have a taste?”
Jesse gave a tense shake of his head. “I’ll get you a glass.” He moved to get up, stopping when Evan grabbed his thigh.
“I just want a sip.” Evan slid Jesse’s glass out from between his fingers. He placed his lips where Jesse had drank, letting them linger longer than the drink he took.
Jesse sat motionless watching him, acutely aware he was growing more aroused by the second and the pants he wore did a poor job of hiding it.
