Clarity 3 (9 page)

“Winter Rose, author of many astounding books, will you please be my girlfriend?”

I burst out laughing. “What are you talking about?”

“We haven’t had this talk. We haven’t made it official. I don’t want you to have any doubt in your mind that I want to be committed to you. I want us to be together.”

There is
heat spreading through my cheeks, and I’m quite sure that I must be very flushed. My stomach does little flip-flops, encouraging me to respond with enthusiastic agreement. I just decided that I was going to let myself be excited. I gulp before trying to speak. “I don’t know...”

“You’re supposed to say ‘
yes,’” he instructs, nudging my leg.

“Um, oka
y,” I mumble with embarrassment. “I guess? Yes?”

“Great! Now for a second question. Winter, will you please move in with me?”

“I’m already staying at your place,” I inform him.

“No, no,” he says, and clears his throat before repeating himself. “Will you move in with me as
my girlfriend
? And seriously consider staying with me and
not
running away to New Hampshire?”

“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly.

“You need to say ‘
yes
,’” he reminds me impatiently.

“Fine, fine.
” My lips curl upward in a smirk. “Dr. Liam Larson, great fixer of many broken eyes,
yes
, I will move in with you. And consider not running away.”

“Good
girl,” he says softly, rising up to press a kiss against my lips.

The way he says that gives me a little shiver.
“I reserve the right to change my mind if you act like a jerk,” I warn him.

“I
will try my best to make you happy,” he promises. Then he hesitates. “And I’ll stop holding back. I think we’ve both been holding back.”

“
Yeah.” I nod slightly in gratitude. It was a lot more painful than I care to admit when he held back the other night.

“
I think we both just needed a little security before really allowing ourselves to dive in,” Liam explains. “At least... I did. But I’m ready to dive in now, if you are. I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took me so long to say all this.”

“
Don’t worry,” I say gently. “It took me a while to realize that I wanted this. But now, I know that I do. And I’m... excited about you.”

“Good,”
Liam says, gently pushing me back in the exam chair. “Now, it’s time for a whole bunch of boring and tedious tests. I will also be giving you antibiotic eye drops to reduce the risk of postoperative infection. You’ll have to keep taking them at regular intervals for a while before and after the surgery. We usually do one eye at a time, and leave a few weeks in between surgeries so that the first eye can heal—but I want to do both of your eyes as soon as possible. It won’t be exciting at all, and some of it will be uncomfortable or even painful. Do you trust me?”

“Always,”
I tell him softly. I don’t want to question it anymore. I feel completely safe in his hands.

“Do you want to watch a movie tonight?” Liam asks as he holds the door for me to step into his apartment. “You should take it easy and relax before the surgery.”

“No, I think I’ll just work,” I tell him as I enter and begin removing my shoes. “I am way behind on my book and I feel really guilty. I got a little work done earlier at the cafeteria, but other than that, I’ve been so unproductive
. I should probably try.” I slip off my backpack and place it on the island of his kitchen counter. “Feel free to watch your movies: the noise won’t bother me.”

“I’d love to read what you have written, if you’d like some feedback,” Liam offers. “Maybe I could encourage you or give you some ideas.”

I turn to look at him with puzzlement as I pull my notetaker out of my backpack. “Are you for real? You want to help me with my work?”

“Sure!” he says eagerly. “I’m excited to
get to read your stories before everyone else.”

“You’re too good to be true,” I accuse him as I
slide onto his kitchen chair and begin preparing my work area. “Don’t worry about me. I’m sure you’d rather just relax and watch TV or play video games or something.”

Liam moves forward to stand behind my chair and gently squeeze
s my shoulders. “Winter, I have been relaxing, watching TV, and playing video games in my spare time for years before I met you. Now, there’s this wonderful girl in my life, and my apartment, and I have the opportunity to either amuse myself with brainless activities for fun, or try to participate in her world. I could make a little effort to connect with her, while also showing her that I care.” He combs his fingers through my hair, lifting it away so he can begin to massage the back of my neck. “Plus, helping her means I get to read awesome stories that are better than any TV show or video game. I get to take a little glimpse deeper inside her beautiful mind. You do the math. It’s not a difficult decision.”

My head tilts back a little as I enjoy the sensation of his massage.
I consider his words for a moment, and a swell of emotion rises up in my throat. When I try to speak, I’m a little choked up. “I’ve never had anyone that cared about me that much before,” I tell him softly. “Before I ran away and committed to writing full-time, everyone around me only tried to interfere with my writing. Carmen and my dad were always dragging me away from my computer for one reason or another. To have fun, go shopping, or help them with their lives. I guess they thought that when I was sitting at my desk and working in my spare time that there was something wrong with me—that I wasn’t having fun. They didn’t understand that it was not only the most fun I could possibly have, but the most rewarding and meaningful part of my life.”

Liam continues to knead the muscles around my neck. “I don’t know if I have anything like that. I have ambition, but sometimes when I achieve my goals, I’m left feeling a little empty.
”

“If I stop writing for too long, I feel empty,” I admit.
His massage is making me a tiny bit drowsy, and I allow my eyes to close. The tiredness is making me more honest than usual. “It’s usually the only time I’m really happy.”

Liam’s hands pause and rest against my shoulders. “
I do understand how you feel. Real life can be hard, and when you get whisked away into a beautiful story—everything else disappears. You can be someone else, somewhere else. When I’m reading your books, I can completely escape into your world and feel the same happiness that you feel while writing them. It’s a unique experience that no one else could create exactly the way you do.”

I lean my head
back to rest against his chest, trying to fight against the small wave of sleepiness. “I think I’d just die or fade into nothingness without my writing,” I confess. “It’s the only special thing about me—the only thing that makes my life worthwhile.”

“We need to change that, Winter. You’re special in so many ways.”

“I just don’t know how to do anything else,” I tell him. I clear my throat and try to shake off my exhaustion as I reach out to touch my computer. I let my hands rest lightly on the keys. “Every time I’ve tried to really experience something new, horrible things happen. I should warn you that I don’t really know how to be a girlfriend, or even a normal person. I’m only a writer. It’s like writing is the only way I can be alive—and be free.”

“I wish I was artistic,” Liam says softly. “I must admit that part of the reason I want to help is that I’ll get to live vicariously through you. You’re so independent. My job depends on so many other people, facilities, equipment, rules and regulations, standards—if I make one wrong move, it could all fall apart. I like the way you get to answer only to yourself, and create absolutely anything you want.”

“I am still slightly limited by market trends and what the publisher expects,” I tell him. “But those are mostly just general guidelines. I can take the basic story and run with it in almost any direction I choose. Or I could write something entirely my own and deal with the consequences of having trouble getting it published—and once I do, making hardly any money.” I laugh lightly at myself, because I have done this before. “But I do love the freedom.”

“Doesn’t it ever get lonely?” Liam asks.

“Of course,” I tell him quietly. “Loneliness is the price of freedom. It’s a price I’ve always been more than willing to pay. It can be very hard to create, sometimes. It requires a lot of sacrifices.”

“Maybe you won’t have to make those sacrifices anymore,” Liam tells me, leaning down to place a kiss on the top of my head. “Maybe you won’t have to be lonely anymore.
Maybe you just need someone who really believes in you and your work.”

I bite down on my lip to suppress the emotion. He’s basically promising me paradise, and I doubt he
has any idea how much it means to me. “The only person who ever really supported me was my mother. And she’s gone.”

“Well,” Liam says,
resting his chin on the top of my head, “you can count on me to be in your corner. I’ll be your biggest fan. I’ll be your cheerleader—although I absolutely refuse to wear a short pleated skirt. Unless you’re into that.”

The image causes m
e to erupt in giggles, relieving some of the heavy tension from my mind. The joke soothes me far more than his massage managed to do. Who is this man? How does he manage to make me feel good on both the inside and out? He must be some kind of fairytale prince. I am now convinced of this. I feel so happy that I’m sort of dizzy and worry that I might fall off the chair I’m sitting in. The laughter has caused me to double over uncontrollably, but I try to get ahold of my senses.

“Okay,
mister. Stop being so charming and let me work,” I tell him, playfully smacking his hand.

“Will you email me the first few chapters of your book?” he asks.

I hesitate, torn between giving in and maintaining a safe distance. Do I really want to let him in? I remember the sweet waitress who said that I should allow myself to feel excited and happy. I find myself nodding. “Sure,” I say softly, letting my fingers fly across my keyboard. “Sending it now.”

“Great,” he responds. “
I want to be there for you, Winter. I want to be the one who makes it easier. I want to try my hardest to give you something
new
to make life worthwhile. A new reason. A new way to be happy.”

“Something new?” I repeat as I finish sending the email. I turn to
glance in his direction as I hear him retrieving his own computer and moving into the chair next to me. “What do you mean?”

“What do you think?”
he asks with a chuckle. He reaches over to place his hand on my thigh and squeezes it gently. “There’s only one thing that could be more powerful than your art. More powerful than your personal fulfillment. It’s the thing that everyone on this planet wants more than anything else.”

Say it. Please say it.
A little voice inside me yearns to hear the word. I hold my breath, imagining the sound of the word spilling from his lips. I can hear it in my mind. I know it’s in both of our minds. I know it’s the reason for everything. I just need to hear it anyway.
Say the word. Please, Liam. Promise me everything.

“Don’t you know, silly girl? You’re the one who writes about it.”

“Like I said,” I tell him softly. “I’m good at writing; not so much at living.”

“I’ll teach you how to live,” he says with determination. “And I’ll try to give you what you’ve really been seeking all along...”

I wait, listening closely for him to say the word. I don’t know why. I probably wouldn’t believe him if he said it. Why do I want to hear it anyway?

A loud banging alerts me to the sound of someone at the door.
It wasn’t the sound that I was expecting, and it startles me.

“Excuse me,” Liam says
, removing his hand from my leg and pulling away. I hear him stand up from his chair and move across the room to answer the door.

I exhale in disappointment, releasing the breath that I had been holding. My stomach is all in knots, and I can’t believ
e how badly I wanted to hear those words. I have never been a fan of big romantic declarations, and here I am, sitting on pins and needles as I anxiously wait to hear the coveted syllables.

Instead, I hear a crash.

My head snaps to the entryway where Liam has just opened the door to his apartment. I am not sure if he is expecting someone. Has he ordered delivery food? I seem to vaguely recall him mentioning something about that. However, there is another crash that causes the apartment walls to shake. It sounds like someone’s fist just went through the drywall.

“Liam?” I say nervously, standing up from my chair.

“No, Helen. It’s me.”

I stand there blinking and stunned at the sound of Grayson’s voice. How is this possible? I thought he had been committed to a psychiatric facility.

“They let me go,” he says in a hideous rasp. “It turns out that I’m not as crazy as you’d think.”

“How did you find me?” I ask him. My breathing is quickening.

“I found out where the doctor worked and followed you two home from the hospital. This is a nice little setup he’s got here.”

“What did you do to him?” I ask
. I haven’t heard Liam’s voice since before he answered the door. I can’t even hear his breathing or moving.

“I hit him on the head with a crowbar,” Grayson says with a laugh. “Too bad his fancy martial art
s couldn’t protect him from that.”

“But your arms,” I say in a hushed tone. “They’re broken...”

“This ugly son of a bitch only broke one of my arms. The other one was simply dislocated. And I can still swing a fucking crowbar into his skull. Too bad you can’t see this, Helen. I’m going to do it again. This time, I’m going to smash his brains until all his memories of you leak out onto these shiny hardwood floors. You belong to me.”

“No!” I shout as I spring into action. I am no longer paralyzed with fear. I reach to my side and grab one of the chairs I had been sitting on and throw it at Grayson with all the strength I can muster. I hear the chair smash against his body, and
I run to the kitchen to grab the biggest knife from Liam’s set. “Get the fuck away from us!” I scream as I brandish the knife and move toward Grayson.

A sharp pain shoots through my hand as he swings the crowbar and hits me in the wrist. I gasp as the knife clatters to the floor.