Cattleman's Courtship (23 page)

Cara couldn’t say anything. She bent her head and let her aunt’s words wear away the walls around her heart.

“And I hope you also realize that God loves you in spite of how you feel about Him,” Aunt Lori continued. “That though we hurt Him over and over, and I include myself, your uncle and every person in this world when I say that, His love is unconditional and enduring.”

Her aunt’s words ignited a new sorrow. She had been so wrong to push her aunt and uncle away. To push God away.

To keep Nicholas at arm’s length, blaming his work, his choices.

Tears thickened her throat. Tears of regret. Sorrow.

But this sorrow had a cleansing quality. And as she laid her head on her aunt’s shoulder, she felt surrounded not just by her aunt’s arms, but also by the love of God. A God who knew her before she was born. Who hemmed her in behind and before.

When the sorrow abated, she lifted her head again. The pain was still there, but now she had a companion, a support in the darkness.

She was about to close the Bible when a phrase caught her attention.

She stopped and read it again.

My heart and flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home.

Something niggled at her, but she couldn’t seem to catch it and pin it down.

Aunt Lori stroked her niece’s cheek, stifling a yawn. “I’m sorry, my dear, but I have to go to bed.” She laid her hand on Cara’s shoulder. “Are you going to be okay?”

Cara nodded. “I’m staying up for a bit. Read some more.”

“I’ll be praying as you make your decisions.” Aunt Lori cupped her chin, then dropped a light kiss on her head. “And you know that no matter what you decide, no matter where you go, your uncle and I will always love you and this will always be your home.”

As she left, her aunt’s words kindled warmth and yearning in Cara.

Home.

She glanced around the familiar setting of the living room as echoes of conversations held here, memories of family games and times spent reading, hovered in the quiet.

A few memories of living with her mother slipped in, as well, but they were less clear. She had no memory whatsoever of a grandmother and nothing to remember her by.

She thought of Nicholas, and of the antiques that had been handled by his grandparents and great-grandparents. They were no mere artifacts. They were part of his history and had stories attached to them. Stories woven into the fabric of his life and rooted in his history.

And she knew despite her anger and hurt, she still cared for Nicholas and because the caring was so strong, the hurt at his choice was so great.

Was he really choosing the ranch over you?

She shook her head as if to dislodge her doubts, but other thoughts returned. Memories of the pride in Nicholas’s voice as he pointed out the places on his ranch that meant so much. Places that had history and stories. Nicholas was rooted and grounded in that place. It wasn’t competition for her, it was a part of who he was. And if she were honest with herself, she would realize that if she loved him, then she had to love what made him who he was.

She felt a moment of freedom at that thought and she looked down at the Bible again. She hadn’t turned the page.

Even the sparrow…

As it had before, the single word caught her attention.

Sparrow. Sparrows flying around the barn. Sparrows clustered around a waterer. Sparrows dead on the ground.

And she had a good idea of what had happened with Nicholas’s cattle.

The view from the hotel was amazing. At least according to the project manager who put him up here after their meeting last night. The beds were purported to be the most comfortable in the city, guaranteeing him the best night’s sleep.

But Nicholas had spent most of the night clutching his cell phone, second thoughts bouncing around his skull.

Was he doing the right thing?

Should he phone Cara? Talk things over with her?

And what could he say that hadn’t been said on the porch? Things between him and Cara had been coming together. And his feelings for her were stronger than before. Deeper.

But what choice did he have? Losing the cattle meant losing income he did not know how else to replace. The ranch couldn’t absorb that kind of loss. And there was no way he was going to make a commitment to Cara unless he knew for sure he could provide for her.

He’d finally fallen into busy dreams around two o’clock and had woken up an hour ago.

An airplane soared past his window and beyond that the Rocky Mountains thrust rugged peaks into a sky pink from the sunrise.

Below him, he could see the suburbs of north Calgary. A maze of houses and streets flowing over the hills and leading to the mountains. In another hour people would be leaving home for work for the day and returning at night to their families.

In half an hour he had to leave for the airport, cram himself into a seat meant for someone four inches shorter and look forward to twenty-five hours of flights and stopovers. And after that?

Twelve-hour workdays. Evenings spent watching television with men who were also far away from their homes.

He leaned his head against the window. He was already missing Cara.

What am I supposed to do, Lord? How can I find my way through this?

Going out to do this work was the only way he could guarantee the ranch could provide for his family. For Cara.

I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

The words from Philippians that he had spoken so blithely to his father seemed to taunt him.

But that was before he found out his cattle herd and his plans for a future living on the ranch with Cara were wiped out with one visit from the vet.

Do they have to be?

Nicholas pushed himself away from the window, and grabbed his suitcase. He’d already told his boss he was leaving. Had the plane ticket in his pocket. He was committed.

And what of your commitment to Cara?

He paused, his hands wrapped around the handle as indecision dogged his every move.

He looked out the window again. The sun was above the mountains, bathing the city in a pinkish glow. Once the heifers were shipped out, he had hoped to take Cara out early one morning and show her the sun coming up over the ranch.

He’d imagined himself standing behind her, his arms wrapped around her, holding her close. Then he’d imagined himself asking her, quietly, if she’d consider making their relationship more serious. If she would consider a future with him.

And you walked out on that?

What else was he supposed to do? Stay around and watch his herd of cattle being destroyed? His plans for the future?

I have learned the secret of being content in every situation…I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

Nicholas let go of the suitcase and dropped on the bed behind him. So if he went and made his money, he’d have his ranch.

But he wouldn’t have Cara.

He tried to imagine his life without her. He’d done it before, but he knew, this time, losing her would not just break his heart, it would destroy it.

Lorne had told him love was a risk.

Maybe he didn’t dare take that risk with Cara the first time. Maybe the first time, when he chose his work over her, maybe it wasn’t just about the work. Maybe, deep down, it was also about the risk of loving someone who could potentially break his heart.

Who could potentially leave.

So, simple answer to that, be the first to leave.

A chill surrounded his heart, the same heart he had unwittingly protected as the words took root. And he knew this was the biggest part of his struggle.

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

He had treated Cara badly. She was right to be concerned that he had chosen the ranch over her.

And behind that thought came a more chilling one.

He was just like her mother.

Just like his mother.

He lowered his head into his hands as he struggled to let go of the thoughts, the concerns, the worries.

Forgive me, Lord. Forgive my need to be in charge. To be in control. Forgive me for not putting You first in my life and for not making Cara a priority. Help me to serve You, Lord. Help me to lean on You for wisdom and for strength. Show me what I should do.

He waited a moment, as if for an answer, but as the silence of his hotel room filled his ears, a conviction grew deep within him.

And accompanying that, a sense of release.

He wanted Cara in his life. And he wanted to stay on the ranch regardless of what might come. To build a life with her there. Every day. And he had to trust and believe that she meant every word when she said money didn’t matter. That she would sooner have him around every day than a financially secure ranch.

Please, Lord. Give me the strength to follow through on this.

He waited a moment, then added:

Please let Cara still be there.

Chapter Seventeen

“I
think it’s worth a shot. You’ve got nothing to lose.” Cara stood in front of Dale Chapman, stifling her frustration with the man.

“Except my time,” Dale growled back.

Cara shot him an exasperated frown. This morning she had gone directly to the vet clinic with her new information, hoping to convince Gordon to hold off on the order to destroy the cattle. He hadn’t budged.

Now she faced the same unyielding behavior from the man who had the most to gain from her coming here.

“I thought you wanted to save the cows.”

“How do you figure you know more than that Gordon fella? He’s been a vet longer than you have.”

And been moving from clinic to clinic ever since he’d received his license, Cara found out.

“Because he doesn’t care. He’s here because he can’t get work anywhere else. It doesn’t matter to him that the entire herd you and your son have spent years building up could be destroyed with one stroke of his pen.”

“And you do care?” Dale challenged.

“I care a lot more than he does. I don’t want to see the ranch lose any more money.”

“Nicholas isn’t here, you know.”

“I know. But I still want to do this for him.”

“I still think it’s a waste of time.”

Cara finally couldn’t stand this anymore. “Your son is heading out to a dangerous job so he can save this ranch. He’s willing to put his life on the line for this place and you can’t put aside your own stubborn pride or your unreasonable dislike of me to let me run one single, simple, lousy test?”

Dale looked taken aback at her anger, but she wasn’t near done.

“How dare you act as if I don’t know what I’m doing?” Cara’s voice grew quiet. “From the first moment you met me you’ve judged me and made me feel like I don’t deserve your son. Let me set one thing straight, my uncle feels the same way about him. Neither of us deserves the other but I know that in Christ, he and I are equal and you and I are equal. I don’t know what I’ve ever done to make you dislike—”

“How about leaving my son? Just like his mother left me and him?”

“You disliked me even before we broke up so don’t use that excuse,” Cara snapped. “And you’re right. I shouldn’t have left him. I should have stayed. But I had my own reasons and I don’t think they were wrong.”

“This ranch is important to him, missy. You have to know that.”

“Do you think I don’t?” Cara’s voice grew more intense. “I’ve seen how the light shines in his eyes when he looks around this place. I know how his voice gets soft whenever he talks about it. I know it’s in his blood and his soul and I know he shouldn’t have to leave it every time this place needs something fixed.”

“His mother couldn’t make the sacrifice to stay, what makes you think—”

“Don’t even mention us in the same breath. I’m not like her.” Cara’s voice rose with each sentence and she didn’t care anymore. Her anger was burning white-hot. “And if you think I can’t make any sacrifices for Nicholas or for this ranch, you might want to talk to my supposed boss in Montreal, who I called this morning to tell him that I won’t be coming on time because I want to do an acid-fast test on sparrow poop. And he told me not to bother coming at all, so technically, I don’t have a job because I want to find a way to save Nicholas’s cows.”

She caught Dale looking past her and she was about to grab him to make him look at her when she caught the puzzled look on his face.

She turned and her heart stopped, then flopped slowly over.

Nicholas was striding toward them, his gaze intent on her.

“What you doing here, son?” Dale asked. “Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane?”

Cara couldn’t speak. She could only look at him, soaking in the reality of him standing in front of her.