Catalyst (11 page)

My tension released in a whoosh. I went limp.

“It’s not the first time he’s come in here to watch us,” Bastian whispered. “He doesn’t know that I wake at the slightest sound and have since I was young.”

I didn’t say anything, couldn’t.

“He’s a good man, Vala.”

I turned in his arms, wishing I’d left some of the crystals uncovered so I could see his expression. “Bastian, do you like him?”

“I do. But you love him. You’ve loved him a long time, haven’t you, Vala?”

“Yes,” I said softly. “I made a complete fool of myself as a teenager following him around.” I stroked my hand over Bastian’s arm, loving the feel of silken skin over muscle. “He was really in love with Crichton. The two were inseparable and you should have seen the way they kissed. Having him disappear like that? Knowing he had something to do with setting you up? I can’t imagine what Jacks is feeling.”

“You can. You spent all these years thinking Jacks had disappeared after blowing up your home.”

I was silent as I mulled that one over. He was right.

“What you felt for him then was real love, not some crush, wasn’t it?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know how to, when a big part of me was coming to care for this man, too. “Bastian?”

“Hmm?” He stroked hands over my hair.

“I’ve seen the way you watch him sometimes. Are you attracted to Jacks?”

He was silent so long, I thought he’d fallen back to sleep. He finally let out a long breath. “I am. But it’s not that easy for me. I don’t sleep with men.”

I sat up, surprised. “You don’t? But when we were first together on the ship, you said you’d gone down on men.”

Bastian sat up too, then leaned over the bed to pull the cloth off the small bowl of crystals. Soft light filled the area around the bed. His features were pulled tighter than I’d ever seen them. He looked at me through a fall of auburn hair and my belly tightened. I had a feeling I didn’t want to hear what he was about to say. But I needed to. I was falling for him and starting to accept that I wanted both men. But it wouldn’t work if Bastian didn’t want that too.

Bastian squeezed my fingers. “You want him, Vala? I know you still love him. Would you rather be with just him?”

“No. I’m not even sure he feels the same way about me.”

“Oh, he does. And you know that.”

I didn’t know it, but I suspected it. The way he’d watched us just now, the way he did all the time.

Bastian looked away from me, his lips tight.

I laid my hand on his arm. “I want you, Bastian. When we go home, I’ll still want you. Do you understand? I’m starting to think we’ll need a lot more time to explore what we feel for each other.” It made me a feel a little better when he looked back at me. “But, Bastian. You’re so young. You have lots of adventures ahead of you, so I’m not talking about filing family status or anything like that. Think about all the years you’d miss out exploring all the different bodies out there.” I winked. “I know I’m not that much older, but I’ve been out there.”

He cupped my cheeks in his palms. “I’ve already explored different bodies. More than you can imagine.” His eyes darkened, his brows drew together and he took a deep breath. “You know where I grew up.” It wasn’t a question.

I nodded. Grimaced. “An orphanage on Sector Two.”

“When I was five years old, my mother disappeared. I don’t know for sure what happened, but I did know she would never have walked off and left me. She must have died.” He pulled the sheet up over his legs. Looked at his hands. “I went into that orphanage, and for the next eight years no one touched me.
Ever
. The woman who ran the place thought Gwinarians were sex freaks, and she wouldn’t let me share a room with the other kids, eat with them. I was so starved for human touch, I ran off with the first person who paid attention to me. His name was Rulan.” A soft smile, one full of good memories, turned up his mouth. “I was thirteen. He was fifteen. It was innocent. We slept holding each other, we touched.” He stopped speaking, drawing the silence out. “We were starting to get more adventurous, but an entertainment scout found us and put us on a ship.”

Horror slashed through me. I knew about entertainment ships. Everyone did. Governments had spent years trying to shut them down, then given up because it took too much time and money, and so many places were willing to hide them. Now they traveled from planet to planet, never staying in one place long. Any sexual fantasy or perversion a person wanted could be found on those ships. For a price.

He nodded. “Yeah, one of those. So, I’ve had sex. With a lot of different bodies. Most of it wasn’t consensual, but some of it wasn’t so bad.” He let go of me and leaned back against the stone wall, then winced and jerked forward. “The wall’s like ice.”

I hugged my arms around myself. I’d gotten caught up with space pirates and very nearly got into trouble a few times, but I’d always managed to keep from being taken against my will. “You were a slave?”

“Does this make you not want me?”

True shock stole my breath for a second. “Of course not! You were a child. And even if you’d willingly chosen that sort of life, I wouldn’t sit in judgment. Hell, I haven’t been a saint, you know.” I placed my hands on his legs. “So you don’t sleep with men because of that?”

“Yes. One in particular hurt me a lot. I got out. Couldn’t find Rulan. I should have looked harder, but I didn’t know if he’d been traded off ship or if like me, he was kept in a room. They’d allowed us to see each other every once in a while the first few years, then nothing.
But I should have kept looking
, should have never left him there.”

I covered my face.

“Hey,” he whispered. “Look at me. I’m fine now. But I’ve got a few demons to work out, Vala. I got out by trading a year of my life for passage back to Kithra.”

I lifted my head, knowing he’d see the tears I couldn’t stop. “What do you mean a year of your life?”

“Let’s just say, I traded for something far worse than what I’d had and leave it at that.” He swept his thumb under my eyes, wiping away my tears. “Vala, I love men. I loved Rulan. A part of me is so attracted to Jacks, I want to haul him into bed with us. But, I’m a little nervous.”

“I’m surprised you like sex at all.”

The smile that curled his lips was so sweet, my aching heart eased a bit. “Like I said, not all the sex I had was bad and you… I wanted you the second I saw you. I don’t think that will ever go away. I love the tattoos on your arms, love the way you focus so intently on whatever job you’re doing, even if it’s the most boring job in the world. Love the way you and your sister are so affectionate with each other.” He touched my top lip. “I love this funny little off center dip in your lip. The only reason I haven’t been reaching for you at night is I feel bad for Jacks.”

I licked my lips, noting with amusement that his gaze narrowed on my mouth. “Bastian, Jacks look at you, too. He may be bossy but he’d never hurt you.”

“I’m too big to be hurt like that again, Vala.”

“There are many ways to be hurt.”

“Look, I want you to understand that I won’t be upset if you want to be with Jacks. Truth is, I’m surprised he pays attention to me at all. He’s crazy about you and apparently his brother knew that. And…if he had such a problem with the difference in
your
ages, he damn sure has to have a problem with the difference between us.”

“True. He was always stupid about that.”

“You did say that stupidity ran in his family.” The corner of his mouth lifted.

“So what do you want to do about this situation? Because I feel bad sleeping in his bed. I can’t help it.”

“Then bring him into it.”

I shook my head. “Not without you.”

“I don’t mind. Vala, I think he really needs you. I can’t imagine what it’s been like living here alone all this time. Just reading those damned conversations, digging into files.”

“He’s done nothing but try to right what happened.” I put a pillow behind Bastian and pushed him back against it before turning and snuggling between his legs, resting my back to his chest. He wrapped those long arms around me, and I reached up to pull some of his hair over us, so I could touch it. He had such soft hair. “I do still care for him. But I also care for you. We’ll figure out a way to make this work.”

Jacks set one of the purple fruits on the table next to Bastian and continued on to his workstation. He’d dumped his clothes and blankets off the table in the sleeping area and dragged it in here, setting Bastian and me up on it. I found it awfully amusing that he had extra vidscreens for us to use yet so very little in the way of luxuries. But I also watched him stroke his hand over a small, powerful power supply as he described its properties to Bastian—who looked suitably impressed. The two shared a fondness for technology, which was fantastic, because it gave them something to talk about. Helped cover up the building sexual tension.

Between all three of us.

It seemed to be ever-growing, and it interfered with that concentration Bastian so admired about me. I looked at the vidscreen and all I saw was the three of us naked and giving that small bed of Jacks’ a workout.

Bastian lifted the fruit, sniffed it with closed eyes before he sent a shy smile to Jacks. “Thanks.”

“Looked like a good one,” Jacks muttered before settling into his seat. Within a second, he was touching screens, opening windows, a frown pulling his dark brows together as he watched the displays.

Red flushed Bastian’s cheeks as he stared at the lush piece of fruit. If I hadn’t known about Jacks’ problem with age differences, I would have sworn he was wooing Bastian. I chuckled and Bastian glared at me.

“Shut up,” he murmured before biting into the fruit and moaning.

I didn’t miss the heated glance Jacks shot Bastian even though I didn’t want to pull my eyes off him. Bastian was just so sensual. About everything. Taste, smell and especially touch. Though knowing about his past explained so much.

An image of him, the lone Gwinarian child in a house full of strangers, run by a person who loathed
what
he was instead of appreciating
who
he was, filled my mind and I quickly looked down. Eight
years
without touch. Blinking back the stupid tears that burned my eyes, I pushed away from the table. “Need a break,” was all I said before stalking out of the room.

I hurried through the chilled cavern hallways and grabbed the dirty clothes Jacks had planned to wash in the pools later, before making my way to the court. Bastian and I had both fallen in love with the small, treed oasis in the center of the ancient ruins. I’d yet to be out here during one of those awful, hot rains, but Jacks told me the best time to swim was after one when the water heated up.

I washed my black vest and pants and hung them up to dry on a tree branch, then caved to the lure of the water. Stripping, I stepped into one of the deeper pools. Leaving the rest of the dirty clothes on the side of the pool, I closed my eyes in pleasure and lifted my legs to float on my back. I loved the gentle lapping of water against my skin, the breeze over the exposed top of my body. Trees grew as tall here as they did on Kithra, but here around the pools, some twisted and leaned, creating pockets of shade. Branches bent toward the water, long, feathery green leaves submerged—as if the trees had decided to dip in their toes. I ran my hands over the leaves, finding them soft. A faint, minty smell was released, and I thought about the beauty to be found on my home planet—beauty outside the domes and tube systems. Beauty we often didn’t get to touch.

This place, this ancient planet, had a lush, visceral feel to it. It made me want to strip and wallow in the water, to eat fruit off the trees and lie on the cushiony grass.

I lifted one arm and looked at the electric green tattoo of a vordun flower. They grew high on the trunks of vordun trees on Kithra, bright and sharp against the blue backdrop of the leaves. When they first opened, the shiny black centers captured the eye.

Cahn had painted a kind of tribal design in black around two vordun flowers on my left arm, linking them. He’d repeated the black design in several places on both arms. Thinking about my tattoos made me wonder how he and his wife were doing, if they’d ever found the daughter who’d been kidnapped off Kithra.

“I can’t stop looking at your tattooes.”

Lost in my own world, I hadn’t heard Jacks approach. He squatted next to the pool, a dark figure in his black pants, shirt and boots. The color only made his light blue eyes stand out all the sharper. Those eyes were locked to my arms.

“What do the black designs mean?”

“Nothing. They’re only decoration. The tattoo artist had them in most of his designs, even had them painted on the walls of his home.” I lifted my right arm, turned it so he could see the back. “He did this tattoo of a leeto first. I loved it so much, I gave him carte blanche with both arms.”

“I like the tawnlet flowers. I always thought they were pretty. Like Gwinarian hair.” He dipped his fingers in the water. “Bastian sent me out to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. Just needed a little fresh air and exercise. I don’t know how you can stand sitting so much. My jobs keep me on the move.”

His gaze slid to my breasts before it came back to meet mine. “You grew up to be very beautiful, Vala.”