Call the Midlife (8 page)

Before going to see Dr H, I checked with my mum and asked her if people’s reasons for getting married were any different in her day. Her answer surprised me:

‘Not really, to be honest. I mean, marriage did have more of a function back then in as much as it made a relationship more respectable in the eyes of society at large. A young couple being very much frowned upon if they had been together any length of time and not considered tying the knot. They might even be deemed “suspicious”, which sounds hilarious today. But other than that, no. People met someone and if they got on with each other marriage was just the next step.

‘Now, as for having a child out of wedlock, that was regarded as most unacceptable. I remember thinking at the time: Well, what on earth did they think Adam and Eve were up to?’

But the pressure back then must have been unbearable, with phrases like, ‘It’s time you made an honest woman of that young lady,’ constantly doing the rounds. And young men going off to war, desperate to know they had a sweetheart to keep the home fires burning.

Then there was the pressure coming from older generations. A pressure that still exists in certain cultures today, and in my experience is usually nothing but destructive. This reminds me of a wizened, stale fag of a ‘journalist’ who once took me to task over embarking on my third marriage, the previous two having ended in divorce.

‘It’s your job to stay married,’ she huffed disapprovingly, and as animatedly as her lolloping old black-coffee-soaked bones would allow. The worst advert for ‘hanging on in there’ you could imagine. I couldn’t wait to get her out of my house. It was like having death in the room.

The polar opposite of what it feels like to be in the company of Dr H.

‘In the eyes of many, marriage is simply an old behavioural habit that seems to have slipped through the net of prejudice to swim another day. Bye-bye beheading. Bye-bye hanging. Bye-bye lynch mobs. And witch hunts. And all manner of barbaric goings on. But marriage – NO! You stay, dear. Pull up a chair, old girl. I’ll put the kettle on. Let’s have a cup of tea. You’re all right.’

And I suppose that might be the long and the short of it. While marriage is around, at least we all get a nice day out, a free meal and the bride, her mates and her mum get to look nice in the pictures.

So where does marriage come from?

‘Ah, that’s a good one. Did you know marriage as an idea was originally conceived over five thousand years ago? It was primarily a legal and binding agreement to proclaim ownership of a woman by a man. A far clearer, albeit outrageously immoral, reason for a
contract than any we have today. Marriage often didn’t change the man’s life at all, as there was no commitment required from him whatsoever. All it meant was that he could stick a “keep off my grass” notice outside his new wife’s door. As for the poor wretched woman in question, she had little or no say in the matter.’

So marriage, how and why does it happen? Or perhaps now let’s drop the marriage question and simply talk about relationships. Why on earth do we think, how dare we think, that the random encounters of this modern age could/should/would lead to anything more than a brief fling?

For example: I met my first wife at a radio station. My second when she came on my TV show as a guest. And my third on a golf course in the middle of Buckinghamshire.

According to Dr H: ‘The causality of meeting, the random ways in which almost all of us get together, is wholly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. One person’s piercing arrow across a crowded dance-floor is another person’s methodical study of countless Internet dating sites. The virtual dance hall of its day minus Glenn Miller and the need for a spare pair of flats for the walk home.’

Dr H is a big fan of the Internet.

‘More diverse characters getting together from more diverse walks of life can only be good for the sustainability of this ever-simmering melting pot of humankind! Plus, Internet dating can be much safer and more efficient, usually carried out with the added bonus of a sober state of mind.’

More efficient, Dr H? Isn’t that a little too unromantic?

‘I’ll tell you what’s unromantic: domestic violence, a life of depression – sometimes leading to suicide – or losing all you’ve ever worked for when it wasn’t even you who had the illicit liaison with the builder, or the yummy mummy next door. Perpetual romance is for fantasists, who frankly have a lot to answer for. Science fiction has nothing on “romcoms”. Just that phrase makes me want to scream.’

Excellent point, well made.

‘Except for
Sliding Doors
. That film is a perfect representation of
how random all this relationship stuff is. Or at least how random it is when it first begins. All coupling up is born out of millions of sliding-doors moments. So we don’t need to concern ourselves with “how we met”, just what’s happened “since we met”.

‘You met your wife on a golf course. You probably thought about not going that day. And had you not, those two amazing little boys that you dote upon every single waking moment wouldn’t exist. But you can’t think like that, it’s a recipe for insanity.’

I’m struggling to write all this gold down quick enough, and frankly in a bit of a flap, when Dr H stops me in my tracks.

‘May I ask you a question now please?’

Eek.

‘I’m getting a little paranoid answering all yours, it’s usually the other way round in this room.’

‘Of course, go ahead.’

‘Do you think some people prefer to be with someone rather than on their own?’

‘Yes, I do.’

‘Well, there you are, that’s really all that matters. It’s when they stop feeling like that they come to see me.’

So how and why does that happen? This was what I’d come to find out.

‘Almost without exception,’ Dr H says, ‘there are two things that come to light when couples have a problem with their relationship. The first is that a gradual and almost invisible breakdown in basic day-to-day communication has occurred somewhere along the line. If it goes unchecked this can culminate in a permanent disconnect. The second is that as a result of this breakdown in communication, one or both parties begin to suffer from some sort of trauma (long- or short-term) that they or their partner are not aware of. It’s actually all so frustratingly simple.’

I’d heard that some experienced relationship counsellors can tell immediately if a couple are not destined to be together. Is that possible?

‘I try to avoid doing that, but it is sometimes more evident than
not. In such cases there are usually two predominant defining factors. The first is the refusal of one party to respect the things the other party considers important in life, regardless of whether the rest of the world agrees or not. And the second is a terminal decline in any shared commonality. In other words, reasons to enjoy and feel fulfilled about being together.’

Again, Dr H reiterates it doesn’t matter how or why people get together in the first place, a theme she returns to again and again, as if to hammer it home. Like when she explains that even many of the most perfectly matched couples she sees end up going their separate ways for the sake of everyone concerned.

‘What a lot of people don’t realize is that often my job is the successful management of couples who have decided to part. Sometimes it’s better to agree to dance in the rain instead of sticking together, being miserable in the sun.’

‘Should more couples seek help than actually do?’ I ask.

‘People have to realize first that they need help and second that they want help, it’s counterproductive otherwise. So the direct answer to your question is no, but if you were to ask me would more couples benefit from counselling then the answer would undoubtedly be yes.’

‘So why don’t they?’

‘Because unlike a bleeding wound that’s spilling out on to the floor, feelings and emotions are not visible to the naked eye. And if something’s not visible, people think they can hide it, even from themselves. They say seeing is believing, but I’ve found often in life it’s the opposite.

‘Some people see counselling as an admission of defeat or a sign of weakness, especially if they’re successful in other aspects of their life. Though this attitude is entirely understandable, it’s about as logical as saying you’re never going to brush your teeth again because that would mean having to admit they might be furry.

‘The simplest thing about anything breaking down, especially relationships, is to try not to let things get out of hand in the first place. Get to know the danger signs and look out for them on a
daily/weekly basis. If you keep watering the flowers, they stand a better chance of living longer than if you forget.

‘This is the best approach. For example, I am a huge fan of dedicated and regular date days for couples. Never be afraid of it just being the two of you – you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Remember that’s how you started, for heaven’s sake. A daily half-hour catch up, or dinner sitting opposite each other without the kids, phones off – all the obvious stuff. But sometimes so obvious people we mistake thinking about doing it for actually doing it.’

How about not having enough time?

‘Quite frankly, make time. You would if the Queen suddenly turned up unannounced. Well, just imagine she has. Half an hour every day out of twenty-four is nothing compared to how much it will benefit you.

‘In essence, treat your relationship with your partner, and the whole of your life for that matter, like you would a car. Regular maintenance is the key to it running smoothly and sustainably. The topping-up of levels and the checking of temperatures and pressures, plus a ten-thousand-mile major service at least once a year is vital.

‘If you can’t be bothered to look after it, then don’t be surprised when it eventually gives up on you. Especially when the road gets, rocky, sticky and sweaty.’

And with that I sensed my time was up. She’d given me the look. My cue to chance my arm with the question I’d decided days before would be my last:

If she could suggest a cheat sheet of handy hints for a healthy marriage, what might be on it? Reluctantly she turned around, reached into her desk drawer and handed me a printed sheet.

‘Now, whatever might be on there, there’s no guarantees to any of it, that’s the most important thing I ask you to remember. Don’t read it now, save it for later.’

Back downstairs, the descent far more manageable than the climb up, Dr H smiles as she shakes my hand, this time much happier to hold my gaze.

In the car all I can think of is getting home to read the magic recipe, resting in the crisp white envelope on the passenger seat next to me. Several times during my journey I glance across, desperate to take a look. But no, this is too important to speed-read every time I hit a red light.

Eventually I arrive home, the world outside Dr H’s inner sanctum already filtering its way back into my consciousness. Immediately through the door, I put the kettle on, make a cup of tea and bounce upstairs. I plonk myself on the bed and unfold the three sheets of A4.

The highlights of which were:

Top Ten Golden Nuggets to Keep a Relationship on Track:

Who would have thought?

‘Not everyone needs therapy,’ Dr H told me. In fact she fairly rails against the idea of serial therapy, ‘just for the sake of it’.

She thinks it’s a nonsense and a waste of everybody’s time. She considers therapy addicts a nuisance, a drain on her surgery and on the world in general. She is also highly respectful of the fact that different people have different ways of working through their problems and some never need to go to see anyone and figure things out for themselves. It’s very much a case of whatever works for the individuals concerned.

But the key is, fixes don’t just happen. Things don’t just ‘sort themselves out’. Issues need to be addressed, understood and worked through. If that means going fishing once a week or never going fishing again, so be it.

That said, I don’t believe there’s anyone in the world who wouldn’t benefit from having someone like Dr H available to them for the odd hour every now and again. Relationships are frustratingly elaborate for a whole host of reasons, but most of all because they consist of two sources of free will instead of one. When we contemplate how much trouble we have managing and understanding ourselves, it’s no wonder things become mind-numbingly complicated when we attempt to try to include and understand someone else as well. So why do we bother?

Truckloads of conflict with only pipettes of resolution, that’s about the size of it.

To me the meaning of life is to get life to mean what you want it to mean. Being with someone is not dissimilar. Things don’t have to be justifiable or logical to work. And sometimes things don’t work simply because they’re justifiable or logical.

I think all the best things in life are like miniature versions of the Big Bang. We may not have the first clue of how they came about, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy every fragment of them born out of the fact that they did.

And talking of Big Bangs . . .

Sex

Top Ten Passion Killers: