Call the Midlife (15 page)

We meet at my house in London on a Friday morning. The early spring sun has already taken the chill out of the air, the pink and white April blossom is being toyed with in the breeze outside the window, all is good with the world. A great day to meet a great man. Actually we’ve met before: Guy came for what was meant to be a brief interview on my radio show but ended up staying on the air for over half an hour, such was the reaction of the listeners. And not only during the show, as he later informed me; following his appearance he very swiftly shifted no less than three and a half thousand copies of his book,
The Sleep Book: How to Sleep Well Every Night
.

Well good for him, and even better for us that he does what he does. In an ever more insane world, we continue to deny ourselves the basics we need to be healthy, happy and successful.

‘There’s a story I was once told about a Portuguese fisherman who was talking to a friend while playing his guitar on some rocks and enjoying an afternoon glass of rosé wine. His friend suggested that as he was such a good fisherman and able to come home early
as a result, he might want to stay out a bit longer, catch even more fish than everyone else and then use the extra money to buy another boat and perhaps employ another fisherman to fish on his behalf. As his new employee would have the best teacher for miles around, surely it wouldn’t be long before he too was then bringing home a bumper haul. Then with even more money his friend suggested the fisherman buy another boat and then a third and a fifth and more and more until he had his own fleet and had become the richest fisherman in the whole of Portugal.

‘“And then what would I do?” asked the fisherman.

‘“Then one day, when the time is right, you could sell your business and do whatever you want to.”

‘“But that’s what I’m doing now.” Exactly what he was doing anyway: sitting on the rocks, playing his guitar and enjoying a glass of rosé.’

And so it is with us and sleep. Most of ‘civilized’ society is clinging more and more to the belief that amassing more stuff will lead to more of what we want, when of course the opposite is really the case. There’s that amazing film documentary,
Happy
, that tells us there is a vast difference in the basic quality of life between someone who earns £50,000 a year as opposed to some poor soul who only earns £10,000 a year, but relatively little actual difference in the basic quality of life between someone who earns £50,000 and £50,000,000 a year.

Chasing anything, except perhaps a bus, train or plane, is usually counter-productive, yet still we continue en masse to fritter away what little time we have here on planet Earth doing just that. Sure, it’s good to chase our dreams, if they are worthy of both us and the world; the same is true of the desire to find a like-minded, supportive and loving life partner. But other than that, why bother chasing anything that takes away from what we already have? Especially if that chase leaves us dog-tired, bleary-eyed, looking like death and grumpy and grouchy all the next day, week or even year. People in Japan are now dying of exhaustion on a daily basis.

‘The problem with being tired is the more tired we become, the
less we are able to cope with the demons that keep us awake,’ says Dr Guy.

This makes it all the more galling when he tells me about the proven benefits of sleep. A ten-minute power nap in the afternoon does more for performance, mood and general well-being than any energy drink, protein bar or coffee and cigarette break could ever do. Can you believe a nap as brief as this can enhance alertness by 100 per cent and performance by 34 per cent for up to a few hours afterwards? And all for free! Not only money-free but calorie-free, guilt-free, packaging-free, unenvironmental additives-free. And how about the extra two hours of sleep a night that saw an American collegiate basketball team increase their sprint times by 5 per cent and the accuracy of their free throws by 9 per cent? Everything of any use begins to leave us as we grow tired. For our body and mind to rest, repair and regenerate, sleep is vital. Without sleep, we are fighting an uphill battle, every step of which yields only yet more fatigue, yet more frustration and ultimately less and less sleep.

As Guy talks to me about his passion to get the world sleeping better, to remind us all what we have stupidly forgotten, his face wears a permanent smile. Though I suspect it may be a slightly pained smile, born out of frustration at having to watch us lot, forever claiming we are desperate to sleep more than we do, but doing bugger-all about it.

Guy himself sleeps extremely well, testament to which is the fact that today he tells me he’s ill. So ill in fact, he’s just been to the doctor, something he rarely does, to ask for some medication for a stinking cold he’s been unable to shake off. Well, I’m sorry, but he could have fooled me. Despite his sincere claims to be full of phlegm, he looks an almost perfect picture of health. No sign of red or watery eyes or that general ear-nose-and-throat malaise so often evident on the visage of someone with a troublesome sniffle. In fact I’d happily go as far as to say that even when I’m well I may never have looked as healthy as Guy looks this morning, claiming to be under the weather.

‘I’m lucky, I simply rest my cheek on my pillow, usually my left
cheek, and within moments I’m gone.’

Apparently it annoys the hell out of his wife, which in turn leads us nicely on to a couple of more interesting twists in the whole sleeping shooting match.

‘The majority of people who contact me are women.’

This is interesting; I’ve always assumed insomnia was more of a male issue.

‘Not at all. More men may well suffer in silence, we can’t be sure, but women suffer in anything but silence. It’s often their spouse’s snoring which drives them to distraction and not being able to get to sleep themselves.’

But it’s not only us blokes that cause our unfortunate beloveds to miss out on their beauty sleep. Women are at the mercy of the physical states brought on every twenty-eight days by the menstrual cycle, playing havoc with their body temperatures, brain patterns and internal biorhythms. And as if that’s not enough, they tend to worry more (about things that actually matter!), they are more sensitive to nature’s night-time alarm signals due to their mothering instinct, and then there’s the life-changing female menopause for them to contend with – which we are now hearing can last up to FIFTEEN BLOODY YEARS.

Our girls temporarily kiss goodbye to their bodies while all this is going on, so it’s little wonder they have trouble finding the incentive to get back into shape when all that’s waiting for them on the other half of the mattress is a snoring, grumbling, fat-necked fart machine.

‘Ah, that would be the bed-sharing issue you’re referring to there,’ interjects Dr Meadows. ‘Or, as I like to term it, the sleeping burden of togetherness.’

As Guy calmly and sagely utters this almost ironically poetic phrase with a knowing, reverent nod of the head, I can hear the strained vocal cords of millions of women silently screaming, ‘WELL, THAT’S ONE WAY OF PUTTING IT!’

Guy is the mutt’s nuts. If anyone from Oprah Winfrey’s office ever reads this, they need to book him for a slot every week for the
next ten years. He’d be her next Dr Phil, or Paulo Coelho or whoever she’s championing at the moment.

The key to cracking the ‘sleeping burden of togetherness’ is – guess what? The biggest bed you can possibly afford and/or accommodate.

‘It’s the best way by far.’

‘How about separate beds?’ I suggest, having secretly hankered after this situation domestically myself in each and every relationship I’ve enjoyed, even the most fruitful and compatible ones.

‘Well, you can if you like, and many people do. Some even go so far as having their own rooms or even own houses, but I would always counsel loving, albeit perhaps sometimes challenging nighttime companionship, over the drastic chasm of separation.’

Nicely put. Although I have to say, I secretly believe that Tash and I function much better and are much happier the morning after when we sleep separately, as long as it’s under the same roof. Tash tends to lash out at me unconsciously (I hope) while asleep, sometimes resulting in acute physical pain on my part, while I am one of life’s great snorers. We also both seem to emit mutual waves of boundless energy. Can there be too much energy in one bed for that bed’s incumbents to drop off satisfactorily?

‘Yes, absolutely. Energy often equals restlessness and heat. Too much heat is terrible for getting to sleep, as is not enough fresh air in your bedroom. Air flow and the right thickness of duvet for the time of year are vital ingredients. Remember, most people spend more on their televisions and computers than they do on their whole bedroom, including their bed. That’s simply insane. We spend a quarter to a third of our life sleeping, or at least trying to. We really should take it more seriously.’

How about sleep as we get older?

‘As we get older, our natural energy levels tend to deteriorate, as does, ironically, our ability to achieve consolidated sleep. Unlike in our teenage years, when most of us temporarily become sleep aces, our talent for consolidated sleep, the most essential of sleeps, gradually reduces as our general sleep becomes more fragmented.
The glorious solid blocks of better quality sleep in the past become rarer and rarer as we mature.’

Guy goes on to explain that our natural circadian rhythms, which govern our ninety-minute and two-hour cycles of sleep, become more prone to being separated by periods of wakefulness, whereas when we’re younger we’re more resistant to the grouting that might wake us up in between our sleeping tiles. Consequently, lots of us try to catch up with daytime sleeps, which although we already know are useful and lauded in many parts of the world as a necessary skill to be proud of, nature would much prefer us to sleep at night, as we were designed to.

Our eyes have now been proven to contain light-sensitive cells that send messages back to our body clock, which helps us tell ourselves what we should be doing as well as helping govern our levels of melatonin, the chemical that regulates our sleeping patterns. The book of how to live life has long since been written, it’s just that we have forgotten how to read it.

At this point in our conversation Guy drops the bombshell that the main issue with using electronic devices to read from, work on, or play on in bed at night is that the blue light they emit is exactly the same wavelength as blue sky, measuring 465 nanometres. Thus tricking our internal body clock into thinking we should still be awake. This, he says, is a HUGE PROBLEM. Especially when it comes to children, who need their sleep more than anyone else because of the immense physical, emotional and mental changes their bodies are going through. Sleep is both the sun and the rain in the garden of human growth; without the right amount life will never be as fulfilling as it could be.

The other big sleep issue for midlifers is weight gain and all the associated risks like type-2 diabetes and cardiovascular problems:

‘Lack of sleep not only leads to the increased production of ghrelin, a chemical which makes us feel hungry, but also a reduction in leptin, one of the chemicals that lets us know when we are full. Therefore, this is a pincer movement attacking our waistline from two opposing fronts. Not good. Not good at all. And spare a
thought for those tens of thousands of shift workers, who are constantly being battered by a barrage of illogical signals made up of some or all of the above.’

My mum was a nurse who worked nights for over twenty years. I now feel even worse than I already did for the selfish nonsense my sister, brother and myself put her through when she was obviously dead on her feet.

Sorry, Minnie.

As the years pass by, we also have a tendency to convince ourselves we deserve more treats. And when are we most likely to succumb to such temptations? Yup, you guessed it: at night, when we’re tired and relaxed and our natural resistance is at its lowest ebb. Tomorrow suddenly seems a lifetime away and so why the heck not have a cheeky nightcap or two, with the odd choccie biccy, scoop of ice cream or packet of salt and vinegar crisps.

None of which does us any good at all when it comes to getting off to sleep.

‘Sugar and alcohol are stimulants and will return to haunt us soon after our heads hit the pillow. Our bodies are left with the task of having to metabolize our various vices while we pass out, thus interrupting that all-important REM sleep, the sleep that really makes the difference when it comes to rest, relaxation and regeneration. Potholes in the road of our own making. See also diuretics, beta blockers and anti-depressants.

By this point I was practically begging Guy for some middle-aged sleeping super-tips.

‘The key thing is duration – make time for sleep. Make sleep a priority. Try to go to bed at the same time as much as you can every night. And then, once in bed, stick to a routine that tells you sleep is coming. You are cleared for final approach, the day is giving way to the night, your energy and effort can begin to slow down until they come to a halt.

More nature, less technology, more books and crosswords, less Internet and emails. Actually, to be frank, ZERO Internet and ZERO emails. Remember the blue light. Also, at weekends don’t
sleep in for hours more than you would in the week. Likewise, don’t feel the need to stay up extra late on a Friday and Saturday night merely to fall asleep in front of the television in an attempt to prove to yourself you have the weekend off. Madness.

GO TO BED!!!

The more energy you have in the day at the weekends, the more fulfilled you’ll feel generally and the less you’ll feel the need to stay up late anyway. It’s an upward spiral once we realize how much we’ve been swimming against the sleep tide and for how long.

‘Work out how much sleep you need by keeping a sleeping diary for a few weeks. It’s quite true that some people really do only need four hours a night, whereas others struggle with anything fewer than ten. For the record, the average UK adult requires between seven and eight hours of good sleep per night. But it’s both enlightening and interesting to try to figure out your own bespoke required hours.